Original Bad Prose or Stories!

Cin · 01-05-2012, 11:27 AM

Bless Her Little Pointed Head

She couldn’t believe she’d blown it like that. They say everything happens for a reason but she couldn’t see what that reason might be, still ours is not to reason why. But what was the rest of that? Ours is just to do and die? Well that's not very helpful. Ours is just to do or die? Ya,that was it. She supposed most would pick do rather then die. Well, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Hmm. But if everything happens for a reason and you failed yet then you succeed doesn’t that go against your not succeeding the first time because everything happened for a reason. She was getting confused and she couldn’t think of an axiom to explain it all for her. She never felt comfortable when she didn’t have an accepted adage to help her understand. Well, every day’s a brand new day isn’t it? Hey!! That’s the answer. Everything resets every twenty-four hours. So she would just bide her time and try again tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day.

Truly Scrumptious · 01-06-2012, 02:35 PM

Lou-Anne believed in the power of positive thinking. She was a “glass is half full” kind of gal, oh yes she was. She wore her rose coloured glasses even in the dark, and could find a silver lining in the darkest, stormiest of clouds. When her husband snored loud enough to wake the dead in bed beside her, (not that the dead were in bed beside her, you understand. But the cemetery was not far away, and Lou-Anne thought if anything could wake those souls up, it would be Jeb’s snoring.) she said it was wonderful that she didn’t need an alarm clock, and that people overestimated their need for sleep anyway. The day the roof began to leak, she said it was nature’s way of providing her with a humidifier. When that leak became a substantial hole, she said she’d always wanted a skylight. When the deer started eating her sweet williams, she was secretly flattered that it was her flowers that had been chosen rather than her next door neighbour Vera’s very ugly, scrawny geraniums. When she burned the cookies she made for the bake sale, she cheerfully got out a wire hanger, her glue gun, a little glitter paint and some pipe cleaners, and made wind chimes. (The fact that when the wind blew, those wind chimes chimed against each other and broke into pieces was kind of a bonus, because it turned out that squirrels like burnt cookies, and she liked squirrels, even though Jeb called them “rodents with good PR.”) Even when Tiffani over at the Kut ‘n Kurl left Lou-Anne’s permanent solution on much too long while she was arguing with her boyfriend, Lou-Anne saw the bright side. She said she’d never need another perm for as long as she lived, and was going straight over to Kmart to buy herself something sparkly with all the money she’d save.

Yes, Lou-Anne was a “glass is half full” kind of gal, right up until the day Jeb came home from work and said that he didn’t care if it was Tuesday, he didn’t want meat loaf. Now, maybe it was because the cable had been out that day and Lou-Anne couldn’t watch her stories, or maybe she thought he was criticizing her meat loaf, (he wasn’t) but something inside Lou-Anne snapped and try as she did, she could find no positive spin, and she started to cry. She cried and cried and cried some more, until her face was as crumpled as the soggy tissues Jeb helplessly handed her, and that she threw on the floor. She started hiccupping horrible gasps similar to the sounds a mouse might make when the trap closed on him, sort of a mixture of terror and surprise. And still she kept crying.

The night they took Lou-Anne away was dark (because of course it was night) and hot and sticky (and truthfully, a bit stinky because of the abundant fertilizer) and with no hint of a breeze and was all in all the kind of night that could only dream of being a dark and stormy night with rain coming down in torrents, but the only thing coming down in torrents were big buckets of tears because it seemed Lou-Anne had been crying forever.

WomenMoveMe · 01-08-2012, 09:33 PM

It was sorta like that time she was almost at the end of her six hour trip and realized she had forgotten the bag she had packed with everything she would need to meet the woman she had been talking to for five days before she and the woman decided to find out if they were meant to be together by meeting up for a real life meeting because she was nervous and that is why she had not remembered to put the bag in the car because she thought that maybe this woman had everything she had looked for for so long, you know? She was tall which was good because she was tall and her back was starting to go out on her and bending over for kisses was not quite the joy it had once been and she was very funny every time they talked on Skype which was everyday since they first talked and funny was a good thing because she wasn't very funny and one of them needed to be the funny one. She was smart and had a real job that was not picking up road kill like her last girlfriend who was not really smart enough to do much of anything else and even though her girlfriend had been very pretty and pretty people can usually get a pretty good job just because people like to have them around to look at them, her last girlfriend could never hold those jobs because let’s face it she had just been really dumb and pretty will only get you so far. It was sorta like that, but not really.

Hollylane · 01-10-2012, 01:24 PM

Whatever it said, she couldn’t put her finger on it. Not even one of the two perfectly good ones she had left on her right hand after the lawn mower incident, that wasn’t truly her fault, because due to the labels being worn off by weather, she thought the the start button was the primer button and so she didn’t have any guilt about filing that claim. Anyway, she was having trouble reading the letter from the claims department with the one perfectly good eye she had left after the incident with the super glue tube that was not really her fault because it didn’t say specifically it could not be used for false lashes and the settlement for that accident was not making the words any easier to read.

Hollylane · 01-11-2012, 01:50 AM

Smoke gets in their eyes….

She entered the room, but only after awkwardly tripping over the door sill in her black negligee and in her high heeled black shoes she stumbled to the bed and lifted a leg to place one foot on the footboard and tried to strike a pose that she’d seen her favorite porn star making on the stained cover of her favorite raunchy movie, but if you'd been there, it would have looked more like she was about to urinate on the bedpost. She looked down at his slumbering, no, slobbering form, and wished not for the first time that he was really more like Ron Jeremy, or at least had his neck, back and chest hair. She sloshed her martini as she fished out the olive and plopped it into his belly button. Or was it his man cave? Man cave, cave man, didn’t really make a difference as she cracked her knuckles before applying one hand in a sharp sting to his protruding belly, waking him so quickly that he slapped her glass out her hand and his explosive flatulence ignited the romantic cock shaped candle on the bedside table which set flame to the fringe of the gold tasseled curtains that framed the velvet picture on the wall behind the headboard of the King in all his sequined glory. No sex was actually had that night, but later when the fire department was unable to extinguish the flames they declared the scene an untamable hunk of burning love and put away their long hoses in despair.

Truly Scrumptious · 01-13-2012, 02:53 PM

In My Defence

And the last thing that I needed first thing in the morning
Was to hear about the time you had last night
If you go digging through the fields of my heart without warning
You won’t be digging up a pretty sight
And the closest that I’ve come to wishing for a gun
Was when you woke me up to say goodnight
And I knew that I would leave you then, I knew your life would have to end
So I stabbed you several times with all my might.

SoNotHer · 01-15-2012, 12:36 AM

The Thing

She wondered about those pantyhose.

And then she just wondered about those.

She forked around some peas, as she was won't to do.

And then she just got stuck in a pea or two, or some,

which was only briefly assuaged by thoughts of these.

Still,

she knew the dreaded mother-of-all-mind muddle was coming.

Yes, it was familiar strange to her on nights like these -

nights destined to be lost to the pout-inducing deflation

of unclear pronoun references.

01-05-2012, 11:27 AM	#1
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,815 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,409 Times in 2,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Bless Her Little Pointed Head She couldn’t believe she’d blown it like that. They say everything happens for a reason but she couldn’t see what that reason might be, still ours is not to reason why. But what was the rest of that? Ours is just to do and die? Well that's not very helpful. Ours is just to do or die? Ya,that was it. She supposed most would pick do rather then die. Well, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Hmm. But if everything happens for a reason and you failed yet then you succeed doesn’t that go against your not succeeding the first time because everything happened for a reason. She was getting confused and she couldn’t think of an axiom to explain it all for her. She never felt comfortable when she didn’t have an accepted adage to help her understand. Well, every day’s a brand new day isn’t it? Hey!! That’s the answer. Everything resets every twenty-four hours. So she would just bide her time and try again tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day. __________________ The reason facts don’t change most people’s opinions is because most people don’t use facts to form their opinions. They use their opinions to form their “facts.” Neil Strauss

01-06-2012, 02:35 PM	#2
Truly Scrumptious Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: She's my mirror twin, my next of kin Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Entre Lajeunesse et la sagesse Posts: 667 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,047 Thanked 1,780 Times in 557 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	The curious incident of the meat loaf on Tuesday Lou-Anne believed in the power of positive thinking. She was a “glass is half full” kind of gal, oh yes she was. She wore her rose coloured glasses even in the dark, and could find a silver lining in the darkest, stormiest of clouds. When her husband snored loud enough to wake the dead in bed beside her, (not that the dead were in bed beside her, you understand. But the cemetery was not far away, and Lou-Anne thought if anything could wake those souls up, it would be Jeb’s snoring.) she said it was wonderful that she didn’t need an alarm clock, and that people overestimated their need for sleep anyway. The day the roof began to leak, she said it was nature’s way of providing her with a humidifier. When that leak became a substantial hole, she said she’d always wanted a skylight. When the deer started eating her sweet williams, she was secretly flattered that it was her flowers that had been chosen rather than her next door neighbour Vera’s very ugly, scrawny geraniums. When she burned the cookies she made for the bake sale, she cheerfully got out a wire hanger, her glue gun, a little glitter paint and some pipe cleaners, and made wind chimes. (The fact that when the wind blew, those wind chimes chimed against each other and broke into pieces was kind of a bonus, because it turned out that squirrels like burnt cookies, and she liked squirrels, even though Jeb called them “rodents with good PR.”) Even when Tiffani over at the Kut ‘n Kurl left Lou-Anne’s permanent solution on much too long while she was arguing with her boyfriend, Lou-Anne saw the bright side. She said she’d never need another perm for as long as she lived, and was going straight over to Kmart to buy herself something sparkly with all the money she’d save. Yes, Lou-Anne was a “glass is half full” kind of gal, right up until the day Jeb came home from work and said that he didn’t care if it was Tuesday, he didn’t want meat loaf. Now, maybe it was because the cable had been out that day and Lou-Anne couldn’t watch her stories, or maybe she thought he was criticizing her meat loaf, (he wasn’t) but something inside Lou-Anne snapped and try as she did, she could find no positive spin, and she started to cry. She cried and cried and cried some more, until her face was as crumpled as the soggy tissues Jeb helplessly handed her, and that she threw on the floor. She started hiccupping horrible gasps similar to the sounds a mouse might make when the trap closed on him, sort of a mixture of terror and surprise. And still she kept crying. The night they took Lou-Anne away was dark (because of course it was night) and hot and sticky (and truthfully, a bit stinky because of the abundant fertilizer) and with no hint of a breeze and was all in all the kind of night that could only dream of being a dark and stormy night with rain coming down in torrents, but the only thing coming down in torrents were big buckets of tears because it seemed Lou-Anne had been crying forever.

01-08-2012, 09:33 PM	#3
WomenMoveMe Member How Do You Identify?: I just wander about and be! Relationship Status: Caution: Dead End Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Kentucky Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,473 Thanked 2,099 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Sorta Like That It was sorta like that time she was almost at the end of her six hour trip and realized she had forgotten the bag she had packed with everything she would need to meet the woman she had been talking to for five days before she and the woman decided to find out if they were meant to be together by meeting up for a real life meeting because she was nervous and that is why she had not remembered to put the bag in the car because she thought that maybe this woman had everything she had looked for for so long, you know? She was tall which was good because she was tall and her back was starting to go out on her and bending over for kisses was not quite the joy it had once been and she was very funny every time they talked on Skype which was everyday since they first talked and funny was a good thing because she wasn't very funny and one of them needed to be the funny one. She was smart and had a real job that was not picking up road kill like her last girlfriend who was not really smart enough to do much of anything else and even though her girlfriend had been very pretty and pretty people can usually get a pretty good job just because people like to have them around to look at them, her last girlfriend could never hold those jobs because let’s face it she had just been really dumb and pretty will only get you so far. It was sorta like that, but not really.

01-13-2012, 02:53 PM	#6
Truly Scrumptious Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: She's my mirror twin, my next of kin Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Entre Lajeunesse et la sagesse Posts: 667 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,047 Thanked 1,780 Times in 557 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	How about some very bad poetry? In My Defence And the last thing that I needed first thing in the morning Was to hear about the time you had last night If you go digging through the fields of my heart without warning You won’t be digging up a pretty sight And the closest that I’ve come to wishing for a gun Was when you woke me up to say goodnight And I knew that I would leave you then, I knew your life would have to end So I stabbed you several times with all my might.

01-10-2012, 01:24 PM	#4
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	Whatever it said, she couldn’t put her finger on it. Not even one of the two perfectly good ones she had left on her right hand after the lawn mower incident, that wasn’t truly her fault, because due to the labels being worn off by weather, she thought the the start button was the primer button and so she didn’t have any guilt about filing that claim. Anyway, she was having trouble reading the letter from the claims department with the one perfectly good eye she had left after the incident with the super glue tube that was not really her fault because it didn’t say specifically it could not be used for false lashes and the settlement for that accident was not making the words any easier to read.

01-11-2012, 01:50 AM	#5
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	Smoke gets in their eyes…. She entered the room, but only after awkwardly tripping over the door sill in her black negligee and in her high heeled black shoes she stumbled to the bed and lifted a leg to place one foot on the footboard and tried to strike a pose that she’d seen her favorite porn star making on the stained cover of her favorite raunchy movie, but if you'd been there, it would have looked more like she was about to urinate on the bedpost. She looked down at his slumbering, no, slobbering form, and wished not for the first time that he was really more like Ron Jeremy, or at least had his neck, back and chest hair. She sloshed her martini as she fished out the olive and plopped it into his belly button. Or was it his man cave? Man cave, cave man, didn’t really make a difference as she cracked her knuckles before applying one hand in a sharp sting to his protruding belly, waking him so quickly that he slapped her glass out her hand and his explosive flatulence ignited the romantic cock shaped candle on the bedside table which set flame to the fringe of the gold tasseled curtains that framed the velvet picture on the wall behind the headboard of the King in all his sequined glory. No sex was actually had that night, but later when the fire department was unable to extinguish the flames they declared the scene an untamable hunk of burning love and put away their long hoses in despair.

01-15-2012, 12:36 AM	#7
SoNotHer Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Professional Sandbagger and Jenga Zumba Instructor Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: In the master control room of my world domination dreams Posts: 2,811 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,587 Thanked 4,735 Times in 1,409 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	The Thing She wondered about those pantyhose. And then she just wondered about those. She forked around some peas, as she was won't to do. And then she just got stuck in a pea or two, or some, which was only briefly assuaged by thoughts of these. Still, she knew the dreaded mother-of-all-mind muddle was coming. Yes, it was familiar strange to her on nights like these - nights destined to be lost to the pout-inducing deflation of unclear pronoun references.