Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

i forgot to come & post here, about my Dr Appt..
As i mentioned my doctor is out for a couple of weeks and a different doctor in the clinic is seeing her patients .. i've seen her before when my doctor was out and she's really got a good bedside manner, unlike my own doctor..

When she came in, she immediately sat down and just looked at me and smiled.. Then asked what was up? If it was my own doctor, she comes in the door, shuts it and hangs on to the door knob, ready to walk back out again.. She's always stressed and impatient, it bothers me... So, when she sat down, that let me know she was willing to listen..

i explained to her what struggles i've had finding some counselling.. That i had 4 sessions through EAP (employee assistance program) through work but they only offer short term (the 4 sessions a year).. That they sent me to Mental Health, and after doing an intake with them, they said they had nothing to offer to me for eating disorders in the form of counselling, but they could offer a course on stress, proper breathing techniques, etc.. i explained that while having OA meetings i can go to, and using some of the tools i do daily, a big part of me knows i need that counselling, because the 4 sessions i had at the beginning of the year (although they werent focused on my eating disorder) were so helpful..

She said the only option i had was one place, which offers counselling for a price, and i explained that's where i was in a pickle.. While i can pay some, the prices were far too much for me, i have 2 teenagers, and one income.. She completely understood, and wrote me a referral, asking for a reduced rate, and said having a referral might also help me get some counselling through my health plan at work.. She also asked questions to find out where i am at right now with it all, my history of it and offered some comforting words... Also said to contact her if the referral didnt get me someplace, and we'd try and figure something else out..

As soon as i got home, i made the phonecall to the place she suggested.. They said no, they do not accept doctor's referrals and wanted to know why my doctor would do such a thing.. So i explained the financial difficulty, as well as why i needed counselling, and the daily struggles i have ... Suddenly, she switched gears and offered me a few sessions free, and then reduced the rate to half price, 40 dollars a session, and rather than weekly, we'll do appointments bi-weekly.. i can handle that, i'll find a way because i know i need this, and 2 appts a month is more than i get now.. i thanked her so, so much...

Also, i went to work that evening, and went to Human Resources and found out my work will offer up to 500 dollars in a 12 month period towards counselling WITH a doctor referral.. lovely, so, i did the math (and have to do so with full priced sessions i'm thinking) which will give me 6 more covered sessions before i have to start paying the reduced rate..

So, i'm so happy for this, i know i need this and i know good things come from counselling.. my first appointment is on Dec 13 ...

Lastly, the doctor also offered medication as a last resort, to help with the urges to binge & purge.. it cuts the appetite down as well.. Has anyone here had to use medication? i am trying to be open to it.. However, i get really obsessive also about putting medications into me.. i am petit mal epileptic and continually take myself off medication and work on my health naturally, and years ago i was put on depression medication and did the same thing.. And sadly, did the same with high blood pressure medication the first time i was put on it some time ago.. (i was put back on it, and took it faithfully until she told me i didn't have to anymore.. ) So, taking medication scares me, but as i said i am trying to be open to the possibility of it.. She asked me to take the names of the medication home and research them - get some comfort with what they can offer, and to try counselling for a few sessions and see how that goes first..

Lots of moving forward, i wish i could adopt this doctor as my own.. She cares!

[sylvie]

Very hard day yesterday
my emotions were all over the place, my behaviours were in full swing..
i started the day off really great - but then put something in my mouth i shouldn't have (i won't say what for fear of triggering someone).. And it all went downhill from there for me..

i will put this next part in white:
i started to purge about 5 mins after i'd eaten it, tried 3 times actually, and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, and while i kept on trying, it just wasn't coming up.. At first, i felt guilty because i couldn't purge what i'd eaten.. Fact is, i haven't purged in SO long and as i started to get some sense over what i'd done, then started to ALSO feel guilty for having even resorted to that. i get very agitated, when a food is in me that i don't want there, and felt increasingly agitated when i couldn't get it out of me.. i then probably overdid it exercisewise.. i figured out how many calories i needed to burn, and then tried doubling that, just so i would maybe feel a bit better about having done so.. After pushing myself so hard, and then following up with not one but 2 meetings, i still found myself wanting to set myself up all evening to eat more, overeat portions and ahh the inner self abuse.. Not good.. Been a long while since i've had such a challenging day..

Now today, i feel a bit stronger, but i'm finding it very hard not to get those obsessive thoughts going again.. i'm trying not to super count out my calories, i'm trying not to convince myself if i don't eat meals then it'll make up for calories eaten yesterday, and i'm trying not to be overemotional and super sensitive about food.. Damn food!

i often tend to feel so lonely and scared within, regarding this disease.. Especially on days like yesterday.. There are SO many people in my life, especially at work, that simply do not want to try and understand what i go through.. For instance, we have a Christmas party coming up on the 13th, where they are ordering takeout of a certain kind, along with a dessert (wont mention them in here).. i don't feel strong enough to be in that setting this year, i had contemplated making my own healthy foods to bring along, but smells of takeout food are a definite trigger for me right now and while i might behave at that party, i'm scared i won't once i get home.. It's not fun to miss out, of course.. i don't choose to sit this one out because it'll be fun to do, i choose it right now for my own well-being until i can get some sense of myself.. It's very difficult to manage - my first priority has to be me and my health.. Of course, i get poked at and mean comments about my struggles with food, and it really makes my days challenging as well..

There is so much shame and guilt , each day with this.. i'm forever apologizing and feeling guilty and completely embarrassed with certain situations and around people.. i really need to work the steps of OA, and find myself a sponsor.. These are my goals this month, so i can start 2012 a little stronger, with more tools in my pocket and hopefully, less days like yesterday... And i start counselling on December 13.. 12 more sleeps..

*breathes*

[LeftWriteFemme]

I don't know if this has been posted here before, but I thought I would


A post from JK Rowling

Being thin. Probably not a subject that you ever expected to read about on this website, but my recent trip to London got me thinking...

It started in the car on the way to Leavesden film studios. I whiled away part of the journey reading a magazine that featured several glossy photographs of a very young woman who is either seriously ill or suffering from an eating disorder (which is, of course, the same thing); anyway, there is no other explanation for the shape of her body. She can talk about eating absolutely loads, being terribly busy and having the world's fastest metabolism until her tongue drops off (hooray! Another couple of ounces gone!), but her concave stomach, protruding ribs and stick-like arms tell a different story. This girl needs help, but, the world being what it is, they're sticking her on magazine covers instead. All this passed through my mind as I read the interview, then I threw the horrible thing aside.

But blow me down if the subject of girls and thinness didn't crop up shortly after I got out of the car. I was talking to one of the actors and, somehow or other, we got onto the subject of a girl he knows (not any of the Potter actresses – somebody from his life beyond the films) who had been dubbed 'fat' by certain charming classmates. (Could they possibly be jealous that she knows the boy in question? Surely not!)

'But,' said the actor, in honest perplexity, 'she is really not fat.'

'"Fat" is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her,' I said; I could remember it happening when I was at school, and witnessing it among the teenagers I used to teach. Nevertheless, I could see that to him, a well-adjusted male, it was utterly bizarre behaviour, like yelling 'thicko!' at Stephen Hawking.

His bemusement at this everyday feature of female existence reminded me how strange and sick the 'fat' insult is. I mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I'm not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain...

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn't seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? 'You've lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!'

'Well,' I said, slightly nonplussed, 'the last time you saw me I'd just had a baby.'

What I felt like saying was, 'I've produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren't either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?' But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

So the issue of size and women was (ha, ha) weighing on my mind as I flew home to Edinburgh the next day. Once up in the air, I opened a newspaper and my eyes fell, immediately, on an article about the pop star Pink.

Her latest single, 'Stupid Girls', is the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness. 'Stupid Girls' satirises the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models: those celebrities whose greatest achievement is un-chipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs.

Maybe all this seems funny, or trivial, but it's really not. It's about what girls want to be, what they're told they should be, and how they feel about who they are. I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before 'thin'. And frankly, I'd rather they didn't give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls. Rant over.

[dark_crystal]

-- 42% of kids in first through third grades wish they were thinner

-- 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of becoming fat

-- 51% of 9- and 10-year-old girls say they feel better about themselves when they are on a diet

-- significant numbers of normal-weight and underweight kids are also dieting: 16% of girls ages 8 to 11, and 19% of girls ages 12 to 15.

CNN: "The scary trend of tweens with anorexia"

[sylvie]

Hard day for me yesterday.
In the morning, i had an appointment with my Dietician. She is fantastic, and knows her stuff surrounding eating disorders.. In January, we start a 10 step program on Intuitive Eating..It will help me with recognizing hunger vs cravings, help me start on making peace with food, coping with emotions without using food, discovering "fullness" & "satisfaction factor" , along with other things.. We start this on Jan 5th when i go back to see her..

She feels there are things on my abstinence list which she can introduce back to me over a period of time, so i keep only my binge foods on my abstinence list and i won't be as overwhelmed..

Also, last night was my first counselling session..
i've been emotional, and i feel exhausted. i went to bed early last night and slept right through til morning, then got up and went back to bed.. Very unlike me, i love my mornings.. my head is still buzzing from it all.. Needless to say we had an intense session..

i feel so scared in all of this..i feel overwhelmed, i feel some anger, and i feel ashamed and guilty mostly...

[sylvie]

i started a 30 day Orientation Program for Newcomers to OA on Saturday..
It actually started 19 days ago, but i procrastinated it of course..
And this weekend i decided i was pushing myself to do this, so i rounded up all of the literature i had to read and with each day was a set of questions to answer about me , pertaining to the literature i just read..

It took me all weekend to get caught up with everyone else and send it all in.. SO much work, but i've learned so much already, about OA, the website, the steps, the traditions and a plan of eating.. New topic starts today, i'm on day 19 today.. At least now i can do it a day at a time , feels good to be caught up and feels great that i pushed myself to do it.. Sometimes i just need to push myself quick, if i overthink it, i procrastinate and then miss out on the chance altogether.

Once i am through with this program, i will be ready to get a sponsor, and really tackle the hard work, by working the steps and setting up a plan of eating etc.. All of this, along with counselling (my 2nd session is January 10) and then the program i start with my Dietician on Intuitive Eating on January 5... Plus the tools i do daily, (meditating, meetings, exercise, journalling, food journal, etc...) i'm starting to feel somewhat stronger and much more on track.

Of course, the hard part about all of this is i feel like i never get a day of rest.. But, it's worth it if it helps me through each day with minimal urges to binge & purge and carry on with my behaviours and obsessing.. i have real issues with putting myself out there.. i find it hard posting in this thread even at times.. Putting it out there for people to see - but it keeps me accountable right now.. It's difficult, but necessary for me..

The support & the reps & the messages & the encouragement i get from you all here , whether posting for all to see or messaging me privately is So motivating and wonderful, thank you all for being in my corner, and know that i am in your corner too.. ANYtime..♥

[sylvie]

Happy New Year...
Thought i would leave some updates, about where i am at in this New Year.
i completed the Newcomer Orientation course for Overeater's Anonymous, got my virtual chip and Graduated.. It's the first time i have literally followed through with something, without making excuses or procrastinating until it was too late..

< --- Queen of excuses at one time, lol.. (& still can be, if i'm not careful..)

i registered for the next course which is called WTS (working the steps) and i am actively seeking a Sponsor now, which i have procrastinated for so long because i know this is where the hard stuff comes in.. i feel ready, though....i think... i've convinced myself i am NOT ready many a time, but realistically, i know i am VERY ready and i need this, desperately..

i got through the holidays without touching even one bite of all the temptations around me.. At work, everyone brought in SO many Christmas treats and i was surrounded for about 3 weeks solid - i was so scared for the holidays because of that - however, i DID IT! i am so grateful for that.. i stopped exercising everyday because of all of the hours i was working, but because i ate healthy i was able to maintain my weight and not gain anymore..

*happy dancing*

my Dietician appt is day after tomorrow, which i'm quite excited about.. i start the Intuitive Eating program with her, and then on Jan 10th will be my 2nd Counselling appointment..

So big steps for me.. Programs, actively seeking a sponsor, maintaining my appointments without procrastinating or making excuses & getting through the holidays...

Today i am working on Day 3 of Abstinence - While i've probably had many Abstinent days, i didn't feel 'ready' to start counting those days... i feel quite ready, and taking it one step at a time - hoping i've got this..

~~~~~~~~~

i am working on a Personal Blog, which will be geared towards my eating disorder, addiction, healthy journey (& of course other stuff) but , once it's ready i will post the link... For me, it helps putting everything out there for all to see.. While it's difficult, and embarrassing - it's a way to keep myself accountable and really work through the hard stuff.. During all of this, i am SO very grateful for all of You who rep, who write me, who make it a point to either encourage me along or share a part of you too.. Also those of you who post here in the thread as well.. Thank you for trusting me to do so, it'll always stay with me & me only... And i'm SO here for all of you, anytime you need.. ♥ ((((((huggggz)))))))

[sylvie]

i did it.. finally!
i stopped procrastinating, and got myself a sponsor..
*breathes*

i'm an odd assortment of emotions right now..

i am scared, SO scared.. i know this is where the hard work begins, dealing with inner stuff, pain, emotions..

i am also excited, because i know that some healing and self forgiveness begins.. To think i might get myself to an easier place, or not be so hard on myself each & every day, or slow down with the obsessive behaviours.....Wow.

i am also proud of myself - because i took a step out of my comfort zone..WAY out of my comfort zone, in fact..It's why i have been procrastinating so long.. Admitting i need help is one thing, putting it all out there and holding myself accountable is another thing, but to literally do something to help myself - this feels really, really good right now..

~~~~
Also, day one of my Intuitive Eating program went well.. It's a 10 step program and Step One was "Reject the Diet Mentality" which is what i am working on this week.. It's a hard one to grasp for me, but i'm doing everything i am supposed to do & making some positive changes ... i had no idea how much i was thinking in terms of the Diet Mentality..

Lastly, my 2nd counselling session is tomorrow night... i can do this... i think..

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

~~~~
Also, day one of my Intuitive Eating program went well.. It's a 10 step program and Step One was "Reject the Diet Mentality" which is what i am working on this week.. It's a hard one to grasp for me, but i'm doing everything i am supposed to do & making some positive changes ... i had no idea how much i was thinking in terms of the Diet Mentality...

For me this has been the most important thing! It is so hard to know if you are doing it "right" though. I had to get completely out of the calorie-counting habit, and focus on making sure I am just watching the carbs and emphasizing plants. I focus on that and I feel like I am doing it but there is always that part of me that thinks "maybe I better sit down and make a plan" and a plan is too much like a diet to be a safe thing for me to consider

[dark_crystal]

i feel bad. i just kinda went off on a coworker. He always jokes with me when he sees me eating and says things like "watch out you are going to get fat!"

That is a terrible thing to say to a recovering anorexic and could potentially be triggering to the point of relapse (and he does know i had anorexia).

It has been bothering me for a while but i didn't say anything b/c i hate confrontation

today he did it again and i didn't yell but i got that not-loud-but-obviously-agitated tone and i told him "do not say things like that! do not every talk to me about my food or my weight! you are going to give me a relapse"

he went down to his office and hasn't come back

I feel bad for getting stern with him

but what he's been doing is all kinds of dickish, right?

[*Anya*]

Yes Jenny, very, very dickish!

I am glad you set some limits with his very inappropriate behavior.

Hugs my sister,

[sylvie]

That was dickish, indeed.
It's something i struggle with often, between my father & some co-workers..
And it's difficult when the insensitive people are 'that'.. - insensitive!
Sometimes we share our struggles with others so that people we are around often, understand our limits on certain situations we face each day, but certainly doesn't give them the right to poke fun at you on any level.. i'm so sorry Jenny!

But, hopefully it will break the cycle now.. And that he'll see how it affects you when he says things like that to you.. Sometimes it's a lack of knowledge - but it had to be said..

Confrontation isn't something i'm fond of either, and i avoid it almost everytime.. but, i have to be willing to stand up for myself if i'm willing to put myself out there, i'm told.. Don't feel bad for getting stern with him Jenny.. We have to take the best care of ourselves and that's exactly what you were doing.. Be proud of you! i know i am! ((((huggggz))))

[sylvie]

i have to say, i get so mentally exhausted with all of the work sometimes..
However, there are days like today where i can breathe and know that i keep on, because i know it's paying off..

- Daily meetings..
- i also have a new sponsor, the last one didn't work out because of her lack of time..But this one is promising, i'm waiting for the 12 + 12 workbook to arrive in the mail this week to get started on working the steps..
- i am still working the Intuitive Eating program (once a week) with my Dietician.. We are on Step #3 of that - which is making peace with food and keeping the actual binge foods on my abstinence list.. Scary step for me, but working hard at it..
- my next Counselling appointment is on February 16 (which is also the date of my next Dietician appointment to start Step #4 as well)
- i am a member of some forums & email loops that put out daily questions, all recovery related and they're so helpful in helping me learn about myself, my disease and admitting those hard truths...
- Also everyday, i blog, i meditate, i have a list of things i do actually just to help me through my day and it all helps..

But, lately i feel an ease i've never felt.
- i love cooking again, this is something i've hated for years due to my anxiety over food and of course bingeing junkfoods everyday in place of my meals. So, i love that i am able to enjoy cooking again, i've missed this, greatly!
- i'm doing well with isolating.. i am putting myself out there again, welcoming family & friends back into my life (slowly), and getting out of the house and even looking forward to it sometimes, lol... HUGE step for me, seriously..And branching out and trying new things, even.. It's still extremely challenging for me, but i'm doing it in bits! Proud of myself..
- i still get a little panic going on around foods people eat that i once binged..my behaviours come out a bit, but nothing like it used to be - and that is some serious growth right there.

So, i have a 3 page long abstinence list to work with this week.. Some foods aren't binge foods, in fact most aren't... my binge foods would probably be about half of a page, maybe a little more.. SO i guess i'll start there, but having the other foods on this list was a safety net for me and it's hard to let go of that.. However i am determined to follow through and get myself in a healthier headspace about foods, so that i am not so damn overwhelmed. But it's hard, very hard..

As for numbers.. i am working on NOT obsessing the numbers still.. It was part of step one of my Intuitive Eating course.. And so i've been avoiding the calorie counting, the pedometer, and anything that pertained to logging numbers, because i get a little obsessive with adding and subtracting and figuring out how many calories i can have etc.. i kept that so hidden, until recently and it's something i've depended on doing for years - it's hard to let go of these behaviours.. They feel like something i 'need' and that i'll fight to keep.. it's hard to get it in my head how unhealthy it is.. While i hear what people say and understand, convincing myself is another thing altogether.. It's been a lot of work letting go, have i completely? Oh hell no.. But i'm still working at it, that's what counts.. So, my pedometer is locked up, weight scale is hidden and i only attempt calorie counting on days i feel i can, but i've hung up Spark People for awhile on the days i know i can't do it without throwing the numbers around..

i get a lot of inner anger with myself over these things..
This really feels like the fight of my life - FOR my life even.
& it gets very confusing separating the weight loss journey from the food addiction/ eating disorder journey.. While i know this can't be solely about the weight loss, i know the weight loss is necessary for my health, but i really do try not to obsess the weight loss either.. This is about my health, overall..

Just needed to vent a little..
Or whine, maybe... Why can't there be easy days, and days i can shut off my brain, even for a few minutes?
i really do try not to complain, i'm very grateful for the ability to have all of these programs and people who support me and help me in this journey..If it wasn't for all of these things, i wouldnt be even half the way i am today in recovery - this i know.. It's one step at a time for me, not one day at a time..

Lastly, i am SO blessed for Mr. Mtn in my life.
Truly, to have someone love me so deeply, and be SO supportive as He is of everything i am going through, and all the things i must do daily.
He gives me the push i need when i am sinking, He is always so downright honest even when it's something i don't like hearing, and He loves me, SO furiously, each and every single day & is as passionate about my recovery as i am.. (i love You Daddy♥ xox)

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

As for numbers.. i am working on NOT obsessing the numbers still.. It was part of step one of my Intuitive Eating course.. And so i've been avoiding the calorie counting, the pedometer, and anything that pertained to logging numbers, because i get a little obsessive with adding and subtracting and figuring out how many calories i can have etc.. i kept that so hidden, until recently and it's something i've depended on doing for years - it's hard to let go of these behaviours..

IT IS!!!! it is a temptation for me every day. I just don't let myself get out the calculator- and since i hate math, when i try to add it up in my head it get over it real quickly

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

IT IS!!!! it is a temptation for me every day. I just don't let myself get out the calculator- and since i hate math, when i try to add it up in my head it get over it real quickly

Oh i'm horrible with math in my head, so i agree, just putting the things away helps me to not do it.. i admit i do try and try with all my might to keep track of it all and do the math in my head but i get frustrated with that easily..

It's been really hard not getting bummed out or peeved off about the inability to keep track.. i get terribly hard on myself at times - When it's something you've done for years, it's hard to turn that off, isn't it?

[aishah]

yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by aishah

yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.

Hi Aishah! Welcome..
5 years in Recovery is wonderful! April will mark one year for me i think, need to go back and check on my blog, but a lot of ups & downs - i'm still learning, i've yet to work the steps.. Small steps, but getting there..Definitely a lot of progress in this year...and quite the way to go..

i agree, it is hard to see calories written everywhere, but i know that's something that won't change. So i'm struggling to find ways around that or change my mind somehow, it might always be a struggle.. i was looking through recipes in a book i have and was getting way caught up in the calories as well, or when i research exercises i get caught up in calories burned.. But i'm trying to stop one thing at a time, so right now, as long as i'm not hauling out my calculator or a piece of paper and doing the Math i know i'm on the right track..

(((hugggs to you)))
Thank you for sharing!

[sylvie]

Had a bit of a challenging night last night..
Worked on taking my abstinence list (which was 2 pages long) down to half a page of only the items i would binge...
And am trying to make good decisions about the foods i eat, rather than remaining abstinent from them...

While being free of a 2 page abstinence list is a wonderful thing.. the obsessing over foods i put in my mouth and then beat myself up over is making me crazy.. i get very hard on myself but i know it's necessary to do for this Intuitive Eating program i am doing.. Why is it so hard to let go of things? Because it felt like a safety net for me to have all of those foods on that list , and having myself convinced it was an absolute no-no..

So now, i need to learn to let go.. Easier said than done..

In other news, i now have a blog where i post occasionally, about this journey i am on, if anyone wants to see..
http://a-sylly-journey.blogspot.com/ ... Not just about the eating disorder, but also building my self esteem, my weight loss journey, that sort of stuff..

Lastly, i finally received my 12x12 workbook, and have started working the steps.. Am on step one, intense stuff... And i've only just begun..i am working on this workbook along with my Sponsor..
No wonder my emotions are all over the place these days!
This morning i woke up, and decided i needed some 'me' time just to get myself in a better mindset about all of this.. So after my workout, i ran myself a nice hot, relaxing bubble bath, and pampered myself for almost an hour.. i meditated, i read some, and now i'm ready to go to work and take on the day , and take all of this stuff on as well..

Think i just needed to get right with myself, and a good night's sleep, a warm drink & some meditation helped last night too..

i feel recharged.. needed that!

[ScandalAndy]

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

{{{{hugs}}}}
i know how it feels to think "I don't understand recovery." i knew i was in trouble for a year and a half before i sought treatment, because it just seemed impossible that any other way existed.

i will say that one thing i have learned about "toughening up and cracking down" is: letting go of that constant focus on eating less will eventually cause you to eat less. I trick myself with that whenever i start obsessing: "I need to eat less, therefore i better stop thinking about eating less." Because in my case all i really need to do is leave myself alone