Eating Disorders ~

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

As for numbers.. i am working on NOT obsessing the numbers still.. It was part of step one of my Intuitive Eating course.. And so i've been avoiding the calorie counting, the pedometer, and anything that pertained to logging numbers, because i get a little obsessive with adding and subtracting and figuring out how many calories i can have etc.. i kept that so hidden, until recently and it's something i've depended on doing for years - it's hard to let go of these behaviours..

IT IS!!!! it is a temptation for me every day. I just don't let myself get out the calculator- and since i hate math, when i try to add it up in my head it get over it real quickly

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

IT IS!!!! it is a temptation for me every day. I just don't let myself get out the calculator- and since i hate math, when i try to add it up in my head it get over it real quickly

Oh i'm horrible with math in my head, so i agree, just putting the things away helps me to not do it.. i admit i do try and try with all my might to keep track of it all and do the math in my head but i get frustrated with that easily..

It's been really hard not getting bummed out or peeved off about the inability to keep track.. i get terribly hard on myself at times - When it's something you've done for years, it's hard to turn that off, isn't it?

[aishah]

yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by aishah

yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.

Hi Aishah! Welcome..
5 years in Recovery is wonderful! April will mark one year for me i think, need to go back and check on my blog, but a lot of ups & downs - i'm still learning, i've yet to work the steps.. Small steps, but getting there..Definitely a lot of progress in this year...and quite the way to go..

i agree, it is hard to see calories written everywhere, but i know that's something that won't change. So i'm struggling to find ways around that or change my mind somehow, it might always be a struggle.. i was looking through recipes in a book i have and was getting way caught up in the calories as well, or when i research exercises i get caught up in calories burned.. But i'm trying to stop one thing at a time, so right now, as long as i'm not hauling out my calculator or a piece of paper and doing the Math i know i'm on the right track..

(((hugggs to you)))
Thank you for sharing!

[sylvie]

Had a bit of a challenging night last night..
Worked on taking my abstinence list (which was 2 pages long) down to half a page of only the items i would binge...
And am trying to make good decisions about the foods i eat, rather than remaining abstinent from them...

While being free of a 2 page abstinence list is a wonderful thing.. the obsessing over foods i put in my mouth and then beat myself up over is making me crazy.. i get very hard on myself but i know it's necessary to do for this Intuitive Eating program i am doing.. Why is it so hard to let go of things? Because it felt like a safety net for me to have all of those foods on that list , and having myself convinced it was an absolute no-no..

So now, i need to learn to let go.. Easier said than done..

In other news, i now have a blog where i post occasionally, about this journey i am on, if anyone wants to see..
http://a-sylly-journey.blogspot.com/ ... Not just about the eating disorder, but also building my self esteem, my weight loss journey, that sort of stuff..

Lastly, i finally received my 12x12 workbook, and have started working the steps.. Am on step one, intense stuff... And i've only just begun..i am working on this workbook along with my Sponsor..
No wonder my emotions are all over the place these days!
This morning i woke up, and decided i needed some 'me' time just to get myself in a better mindset about all of this.. So after my workout, i ran myself a nice hot, relaxing bubble bath, and pampered myself for almost an hour.. i meditated, i read some, and now i'm ready to go to work and take on the day , and take all of this stuff on as well..

Think i just needed to get right with myself, and a good night's sleep, a warm drink & some meditation helped last night too..

i feel recharged.. needed that!

[ScandalAndy]

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

{{{{hugs}}}}
i know how it feels to think "I don't understand recovery." i knew i was in trouble for a year and a half before i sought treatment, because it just seemed impossible that any other way existed.

i will say that one thing i have learned about "toughening up and cracking down" is: letting go of that constant focus on eating less will eventually cause you to eat less. I trick myself with that whenever i start obsessing: "I need to eat less, therefore i better stop thinking about eating less." Because in my case all i really need to do is leave myself alone

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

(((((((((( you )))))))))

don't think that you are alone! Most of us are holding on to something.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

((((huge huggs))))
i know i avoided making this thread & then i finally pushed myself to.. Having done so, i rarely post in it, because i get anxious and am scared as well.. and in all honesty, i struggle with my recovery every single day still.. i still hang on to numbers, i still set myself up and i still am battling that inner bully and critic that just looooves to pick me apart and make me feel badly.. So i totally understand, and i know everyone here does as well.. You aren't alone... The reason i created this thread, was so i had a place to come at the end of a day , whether to celebrate any success or to share my challenges, because for me, sharing it helps me as much as it might help others..i didn't know if anyone would post, or not.. Hoped so, though!

After having posted in here, i have gotten alot of advice from people (who don't post publicly) as well as the people who do post publicly in this thread, and it's all been very helpful to me.. The fact you posted in here today might even feel like having taken a first step for you, i know it did for me when i did - it's so hard to put it out here for all to see, and moreso even harder to be honest with ourselves.. and that's something we all understand here.. Give yourself a pat on the back for that .

i am only in the beginning stages of Recovery myself, and i totally get the mixed emotions and confusion.. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves.. Post here anytime, & message me anytime (& i'm sure the others here as well feel the same).. The support & understanding is wonderful here.. & i know it really helps bring me some understanding, and helps me know i'm not alone, and that in itself is a huge help.. ♥