Friends of Bill W.

[RockOn]

Incubus, I'm pulling for you. Keep the main thing, the main thing. By all means, do see a doctor.

Baby steps, baby steps. Take care not to place yourself in a stressful situation - you are fragile right now with vulnerable emotions. Hope you are hanging with others in recovery. For me, when I got to feeling better physically and fell back in with a using/drinking buddy or six, my lying mind would tell me, "oh, that physical sickness was not so bad" ... then I'd be "coming to" ... wondering how I could have let it happen again ... but still continued cycling through it over and over. Incubus, the recovery people told me at a meeting that I would not ever have to feel so sick again from deliberate ingestion of mood altering substances ... if I didn't want to because I now had a choice if I hung with them and did what they did. I hated, purely hated things they said to me in the beginning but they were right. That is how it was for me.

I sure hope you make good choices for you. I'll check back to see how you are doing.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 7

THE SEAMLESS DOOR


Tongue and groove fit tight; the pickled boards do not belie the passage. Hinges buried deep, secreted inside the place with no words, the door remains shut, hidden. The air, candy sweet, the space, filled with the unbroken stream of surreal childhood. What can I tell you of this living snapshot? Nothing but the haltings, stops and shudders of a life encapsulated. Proudly, I walk from this train wreck only to find the tether stitched to my heart, my soul, my mind. Flashing through the room, I weary and wonder. I have often found myself outside this confusing destination, but never have I seen the door. Always, I believe, this time I am free of it. When I find myself again within this realm, I know it is something I can not be parted from.
Then what of the door? The undetected portal was spied by me one day while it swung in the breeze. I saw the simple barn and the open loft door; I never thought my incubus to be housed in so plain a construction. There the turmoil of my forward motion stored in the attic of the pony shed. So many tragic contrivances are stored in such candid spots. Accessibility is the beginning of approach; I take the stairs.

Remember willingness doesn’t need to float; it swims

*
Two Powers



The river and the bridge;
one force swift and roiling
the other stolid and stoic,

The first carries me away
and the other carries me over.
For the love of liquid, current and life
I have slipped in to the water
and washed; my life abandoned.

For love of upright contact,
terra bound movement and love
I cross the bridge.

Will I be deposited in the Ocean
or wend to the City and back?
Where is the greater power
in Surrender or Choice?

Originally Posted by Brock

Incubus, I'm pulling for you. Keep the main thing, the main thing. By all means, do see a doctor.

Baby steps, baby steps. Take care not to place yourself in a stressful situation - you are fragile right now with vulnerable emotions. Hope you are hanging with others in recovery. For me, when I got to feeling better physically and fell back in with a using/drinking buddy or six, my lying mind would tell me, "oh, that physical sickness was not so bad" ... then I'd be "coming to" ... wondering how I could have let it happen again ... but still continued cycling through it over and over. Incubus, the recovery people told me at a meeting that I would not ever have to feel so sick again from deliberate ingestion of mood altering substances ... if I didn't want to because I now had a choice if I hung with them and did what they did. I hated, purely hated things they said to me in the beginning but they were right. That is how it was for me.

I sure hope you make good choices for you. I'll check back to see how you are doing.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience Brock...yes it sure is baby steps, vulnerability and high emotion.

Sadly, I have to admit I've done these baby steps before. Once ago, a very long time ago in another lifetime I was at this very point. If I hadn't made a conscious decision to start drinking alcohol again after 16/17 yrs sobriety I would be celebrating my 26th sober anniversary this year. Alas that is not to be.

I remember quite a bit. Some of the steps, especially the first one is stuck in my mind at the moment as well as the serenity prayer. I still even have a copy of the 'The Big Book' and other such publications somewhere. I am however not being complacent about having a little background knowledge. Nothing substitutes for fellowship with other sober folks, meetings and other opportunities we can take to continue our healing. Right now I'm aiming to be getting acupuncture which is available for free Mon-Thurs at the local ADS (alcohol dependency services) and on Thursday am attending a way meeting with my detox nurse and the Blackpool Alcohol Team who have various channels of help that I may be able to avail myself of. I also have a list of the local meetings on my living room door. I'm lucky there is a Friends Meeting House very locally which hosts quite a number of meetings both in the day and some evening ones.

I am not totally hanging with sober folks as my long term friends aren't. I did the same when I gave up smoking too though. All my friends are very supportive of my decision to quit.

Day 8 and I'm feeling clearer headed than I have in a long time. I'm dog tired though; my sleep pattern is all over the place - I'm man-0-pausally insomniac anyway but I'm sure that it will settle down some.

Feather by feather the phoenix shall arise!

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 8

ACCIDENT OF BIRTH



We are here together, born the millstones about one another’s necks. Parentage equates to persuasion and I hold these strangers to my breast. Minds having chosen, violent turns skew off radar’s blip. I am held by guilt’s tight sutures to this motley mass. I long for the freedom of birds to fly far from my nest mates. Possessing sense enough not to neighbor with owners of my same genetic skin, I dream to be a turtle of the sea and meet each other in neutral waterways, friends for seasons of choice, far from the family shore. Accidents brought us together. Let kindness emancipate us.


Test your mind with poetry.

*


From Pen to Progress



“Leave those gaters in the paddock
awhile longer,” said my sponsor.
I gave a little better than a cursory glance
at the hulking forms
though I did stay strictly on my side of the fence
and grasped tighter the hand of my custodian.

The onceover, worked fine as my first pass through
the creatures of the swamp,
I didn’t fully grasp what lay beyond the petting zoo,
but given my newness this wasn’t entirely a bad thing.

On second run I was in a boat
with a glass bottom and a guide, I had vision, clarity.
Third time through was a charm,
swim fins and a rope tied about my waist,
it was all too real.

I floundered and had to be hauled bodily
by my home group, my sponsor stood anchor.
I have numbered and charted these murky waters now
and I see the lure they have for my ailing, twisted mind;

The intensity of the brutes awash
and the dark calling to dark
makes that sick sense that only an alcoholic can parse.

I have to take to those byways
with supplies and reinforcements.
Never swim alone!

Day 10 (31st Jan was my date)

I had the best nights sleep I've had in years last night. I slept and slept and slept - on the sofa...then slipped myself into bed in the early hours (6am) and fell straight back to sleep; something totally unheard of, it would usually have taken a big fat drink or three to go back to sleep. Yesterday's acupuncture did something for sure. Sadly I can't make todays session but I'll be there on Monday; I finish a class at uni just about in time to get to the venue, for more of those relaxing needles.

There's stress at the moment which I could easily use as an excuse to hide away and drink but I choose not to. The Government may need me to jump through more hoops of fire so that I can continue to survive but I shall do it and do it sober.

I shall remind myself as I remind the guys in the quitting smoking thread...May the force be with you

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 9

READY



Ready or not here it comes: life on terms of its own. Bracing for the onslaught of gravity I grip too well the implements of past days. Fearing the pressure, I lay in my shallow grave, the ground having been scooped out by hand. Withering from expectation, my blood runs slow and dark, reducing to coagulated futility, losing my life in anticipation of death. Attempts at being less as means of protection fail. Less is not a solution; fading does not make life more livable. It makes me unavailable. Readiness is my responsibility; it is momentary. Momentary is sufficient. Sobriety is nothing more than lining myself up with the needs of this instant. I need go no further. Whole solutions, not my department. Showing up, dressed and washed, ball and bat in hand if possible, but just making it to the lineup is my full time job. Even if I never swing, it is still better than being buried in the field.


Put a joke in your pocket.
*
Simultaneous Acceptance



Being typical is a difficult thing to live with,
but I am typical.
Being extraordinary is a challenging thing
to live up to, but this is also mine to bear,
you see I am a typical alcoholic after all.

Walking with one foot in each camp is not enough.
I must simultaneously accept both
my common commonality
and my lottery winner uniqueness
If I am to travel hand in hand with my Higher Power.

If I don’t integrate this double reality,
allow it to imprint my thoughts
the way it is tattooed in my DNA
I can not possibly take the biggest step of all.

Drop my judgment of these things
so that humility can dwell within.
You see there is not enough room in the vortex
of my humanness to accommodate the jags of verdict

And the desire for the sublime smoothness of humility.
I can’t chase humility, I have had to face that,
but I can remove the impediments to its residence.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Day 10 (31st Jan was my date)

I had the best nights sleep I've had in years last night. I slept and slept and slept - on the sofa...then slipped myself into bed in the early hours (6am) and fell straight back to sleep; something totally unheard of, it would usually have taken a big fat drink or three to go back to sleep. Yesterday's acupuncture did something for sure. Sadly I can't make todays session but I'll be there on Monday; I finish a class at uni just about in time to get to the venue, for more of those relaxing needles.

There's stress at the moment which I could easily use as an excuse to hide away and drink but I choose not to. The Government may need me to jump through more hoops of fire so that I can continue to survive but I shall do it and do it sober.

I shall remind myself as I remind the guys in the quitting smoking thread...May the force be with you

Yes, may the force be with you! I am so excited that you are accruing day and getting sleep. I hope the hoop jumping goes well and that you continue to have those sweet nights of sleep! Big hugs, Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 10

FORGIVENESS



“Forgiveness is not something to force on people like unwanted coffee,” says my sponsor.
Everyone tells me forgive, forgive, forgive.
“These are the same folks who said, ‘stay and have another drink.’ It is only appropriate to forgive people who ask for forgiveness and show you with their behavior that they want it. It is never appropriate to shove forgiveness on people who haven’t asked, show no signs of wanting it, or demonstrate just the opposite.”
I thought forgiveness was to help me feel better.
“Letting go of resentments is to make you feel better. Making amends to the people you’ve hurt, and cleaning up your side of the street is to make you feel better. Keeping an open mind and heart will make you ready for the possibility of someone coming to make amends. Forgiveness is a two-way street; anything you have to throw over someone like a net is usually a mistake,” she says with a wink, and then she has the nerve to curtsy.



Design your dream tea.
*


Hospitality


What unites us, heals us, serves us,
is the hospitality of the program.
Fellowship encircles us and draws us close,
in a word unites us, hospitality is our core.

Hospital is the root of hospitality
and recovery is the route to health,
hospitality is the skeleton of recovery.

Hospitable aid,
the true gift of self is hospitality;
hospitality the master of A.A.

Day 11...

...and another great nights sleep. Feeling a bit odd today though, sorta shaky and and a bit anxious but I'm sure I'll cop; it's just one of those days. It's better than feeling hung-over.

I'm going to go my first meeting in 26yrs tonight at the local Friends Meeting House which is a 5minute bike ride away. I have a little anxiety about it but I know folks will be friendly and I'll just slip right in there......I'm not a shy chap