Friends of Bill W.

[FtMGuy]

This is going to be a tough time as you well know , I suggest if you dont mind, drink lots of water it really does help get the crap out of your body I tell the guys the same thing before and after surgery it helps get all the crap out of your system, also SLEEP your body needs to heal it needs some TLC from you!
Be nice to your self and be patient!
you are doing great ya only need to worry about today not tomorrow or yeserday just today!

Originally Posted by Incubus

Now I got the itches. The back of one hand is scratched sore since last night.

Why the hell do I keep waking up feeling like crap? I could sleep and sleep past lunchtime as in my old drinking pattern but I'm not letting myself and have risen before 10am every day...my Pops thinks that this is part of making me a 'normal' person...but each day I feel like utter crap; it does improve throughout the day mostly but not always; yesterday I was half asleep and useless all day. I wanna stamp my feet like a petulant child and say "It's not fair!" but no-one said getting sober would be fair or easy, it just is the way it is.

I have to try study again today but my poor addled, pinging brain will barely stay still for me to grab what it knows out of the ether. I'm hoping my tutor will understand and extend until next Friday.

By the grace of God and the first three (well, two really) steps, today is Day 18

Originally Posted by FtMGuyLondon

This is going to be a tough time as you well know , I suggest if you dont mind, drink lots of water it really does help get the crap out of your body I tell the guys the same thing before and after surgery it helps get all the crap out of your system, also SLEEP your body needs to heal it needs some TLC from you!
Be nice to your self and be patient!
you are doing great ya only need to worry about today not tomorrow or yeserday just today!

Day 19

Cheers for your experience and encouragement Guy. It is getting a little tougher as the initial 'honeymoon' of being sober wears off a little and the reality of life kicks in and I still wanna play the addict avoidance game.

I don't think I could physically drink any more liquid than I am already doing. Fizzy water, tea, decaff tea, rooibos, decaff coffee (with evaporated milk to make it creamy)...night time I have a change and drink diet tonic water with a little grapefruit cordial until I go back to decaff tea and water in the couple of hours before bed. I feeling like I'm swimming from the inside in bloody liquids...and I'm never off the loo - one in, one out!

Playing the avoidance game whilst sober is odd. I can still beat myself up about it but I remember the 'beating' the next day At the moment I'm avoiding writing one of the essays I'm meant to be catching up with from last semester; the one I've had several benders over. I'm being very successful at that avoidance too. I'm also avoiding dealing with some official stuff that will have ramifications if I don't get on with it and then I can cry 'Poor me' when it comes crashing down round my ears. Bloody numpty!!

My daft addict brain is pinging all over the place and driving me nuts, it just won't settle down to concentrate on anything. Something else to beat myself up about because I'm gonna have to re-negotiate all my extensions at uni. I hope they understand.

As to sleep: I've been insomniac for a couple of years now but I'm coming to realize that it probably wasn't man-0-pausal insomnia as I thought but bloody booze insomnia...sitting chatting (talking crap you'll never remember) on the internet and wine goes together wonderfully. I'm now trying to give myself a daily curfew for stopping chatting and getting myself in bed to chill with either crap telly or with Radio 4. I'm getting better at this as the days go on and haven't had too many nights that have gone past 2am, which is what I used to do every night. Last night I was very good and switched my computer off at 12.30 and slept until 10am this morning. Probably the longest sleep I've had since I was on detox meds. ...and I'm still knackered but that will change with patience and time.

I'm trying hard to be patient but I'm an addict and patience with myself is not my strongest point. I keep trying though and that's the important thang.

So, after all that waffle; Today and just for today I'm grateful to be alive and sober

[Prudence]

Just going to throw out some random thoughts.. things I have picked up on my journey..

"If you don't take of your business, your business will take care or you."

"Get out of your own way" "Leave yourself alone."

I know for me, rearranging my home helped . I drank in the same spot, in the same room, looking at the same pictures on the same wall. I had to change the view.. "nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Originally Posted by Prudence

Just going to throw out some random thoughts.. things I have picked up on my journey..

"If you don't take of your business, your business will take care or you."

"Get out of your own way" "Leave yourself alone."

I know for me, rearranging my home helped . I drank in the same spot, in the same room, looking at the same pictures on the same wall. I had to change the view.. "nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Ta ever so much Pru *kotc*

All very true. The first two are probably more easily achievable than the last oddly. I have taken care of some of the 'business' that needed doing this week. Next week I resolve to tackle the other three bits of 'business' that need tackling. Two of them are only phone-calls, one of which may lead to a real bit of hassle but I have to do it or I'll have nothing to live on.

The third: Not so easy without help and we're crap at asking for help aren't we? I can't get away from the same place for now as my desk is so large...I think having a whole sense missing helps make it not a bad place to be. I drank all over the house so there really is no place to 'get away' from it. I don't actually find it too much of a problem PTL (Praise the Lord - I know I'll use the acronym again so this first time I'll explain )

Thanks again for you wisdom and experience.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 18

THIN ICE




The ice is brittle, transparent and breaking away. I brace for destruction, turmoil and frigid descent. I am stuck in my topside thinking and can not realize the chance for freedom the cracking expanse promises. I am an oceanic creature. I can escape my watery bonds with the splitting of the ice. Trapped in a hole I keep open only through the friction of my unrest, I am kept from the community of life to which I belong. My reflection mixes with my view of the sky and I forget my place, forget my name, forget how I have come to be trapped here. The pining after what is not mine to have has brought me to this thin edge. I must break through to be who I am; in doing so I shatter the illusion of who I thought I was. Zeal to zenith I must move away from the phantasm and mockery and take refuge in what I am.


Remember your genius.

*

Hiding
“Defeat is what you make of it,” says my sponsor.
“Fighting a thousand secret battles
when you claim that you want peace is not right.
The agony of defeat is when you keep on fighting.
There is no honor in waving the white flag,
but never laying down your arms.”
“I can’t just give them up
they have been in the family for years,”
my whining retort.
“I’m sure they have, darling, I’m sure they have,
and haven’t done any of you a lick of good either,”
her smug reply.

“They are good for sabotage,”
I begin my running start at her.
“Sabotage is something you only do to yourself,
because who else can you really sabotage?
Who do you really hate enough other than you?”
“My hobby is denying that you know.”
“Yes, and sweet lot of good it does you,

The war rages within you
and outside you say it’s harmony,
no matter all the signs of discord.”

“And if I were to really give up. If, I were really tired enough,
how can I insure my safety?”
I asked with my hands nearly in the air.

“Tell the truth, even if it’s only to yourself.
Put space between you and weapons of mass destruction.
Oh, and make sure you surrender to a friend.”

Day 20

My word don't the days build up...just not quickly enough; although there was a time in the very recent past where I couldn't even manage one day. Who wants to run before they can even walk huh? *puts hand up*

I must have consumed over 6/7 litres of liquid yesterday

After playing the addict fear, avoidance, self-hating game (posting here mostly) for most of the day yesterday and intermittently staring at a blank Word document I got myself along to an early evening meeting which is about 400yards from my front door - how cool is that? There was only 4 of us and a rather noisy child (I was the only person who doesn't have kids and found it really hard to shut out the racket he made all through the meeting but stuck in there anyway). I shared about how many benders this particular essay has led me to indulge in and how I'm still doing the same thing but sober. It's sick, sick thinking; something to beat myself up about but then I remember that I'm only just about 3 weeks sober and the first week of that was spent flat out in bed sleeping for 20hrs a day.

One of the guys at the meeting had really thought about my essay question as I'd mentioned it on Wednesday. We had a great conversation about it and he challenged me to go home and put down some words, any relevant words, on virtual paper. Walking the 400 yrds home was enough time to have a wee chatette with God and ask for some words. No bargaining though; no if you do this for me I'll do 'that' - God doesn't make bargains. I managed 106 words! Better than nothing and I'm grateful that my Word document is no long blank.

I need to email my wonderfully supportive 'kick-yer-butt-lady' today and let her know what's going on.

I was a good lil addict again last night and switched off my computer at 12.30am and went to bed to rest even if sleep didn't come for a while. I'm rather liking making this a regular routine, it feels 'normal' - jeepers I've never aspired to be 'normal', how bizarre.

Today, I'm really grateful to be sober.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 19

LIFE IS UNFAIR




Assuring myself I will not be permitted through the gate, I walk the perimeter, assessing the fence, looking for a place to exploit, a wire slightly high. Trying to look graceful, I duck under the fence, telling myself I prefer life on the edge. The water is less dangerous here on the fringe; I wouldn’t want to be swept away. I stay clear of my peers. I stand in the baby pool and feel confident I won’t drown, brushing from my conscience that I won’t swim either.
Struggling to the top of the pile or scurrying underneath is a blatant lack of humility. Skirting the margin is the same. Facing life and finding it unfair, I take to the world of exception and hope to slip through the cracks to a life of safety. In that act I discount my talent and ability. Worst of all, I disconnect from God.


Toy with your thoughts, play with your food.
*


Jenny

Though ignorance may be bliss,
living in the shadow of someone else’s
ignorance is sheer hell.
The confusion is bad, but the lies are worse.

Want to cripple a child for life
give it to a well meaning fool
who has the rule book to the wrong board game,

That child will grow to need crutches they don’t make
and medicine they can’t brew.
Dependent on misguided insanity the child will require
a miracle cure and may lack the ability to ingest it.

Best case scenario the kid makes a brave escape
into a world she can barely comprehend,
worse case she turns the rule book upside down
and reads it backwards to her own unfortunate brood.

Ignorance is always a twilight proposition,
half agreement the other half handcuffed nightmare.
Full consent is by necessity impossible
while blameless innocents is similarly unachievable.

The only suggestion I can make
from this side of the looking glass
is to pick your poison and plan your getaway.