Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

((((huge huggs))))
i know i avoided making this thread & then i finally pushed myself to.. Having done so, i rarely post in it, because i get anxious and am scared as well.. and in all honesty, i struggle with my recovery every single day still.. i still hang on to numbers, i still set myself up and i still am battling that inner bully and critic that just looooves to pick me apart and make me feel badly.. So i totally understand, and i know everyone here does as well.. You aren't alone... The reason i created this thread, was so i had a place to come at the end of a day , whether to celebrate any success or to share my challenges, because for me, sharing it helps me as much as it might help others..i didn't know if anyone would post, or not.. Hoped so, though!

After having posted in here, i have gotten alot of advice from people (who don't post publicly) as well as the people who do post publicly in this thread, and it's all been very helpful to me.. The fact you posted in here today might even feel like having taken a first step for you, i know it did for me when i did - it's so hard to put it out here for all to see, and moreso even harder to be honest with ourselves.. and that's something we all understand here.. Give yourself a pat on the back for that .

i am only in the beginning stages of Recovery myself, and i totally get the mixed emotions and confusion.. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves.. Post here anytime, & message me anytime (& i'm sure the others here as well feel the same).. The support & understanding is wonderful here.. & i know it really helps bring me some understanding, and helps me know i'm not alone, and that in itself is a huge help.. ♥

[Daddislilgrrl]

My name is Daddislilgrrl aka Lisa. I am a compulsive overeater and I have been in program for 3.5 years now. I am on steroids for lymphocytic colitis and it's been impossible for me to lose weight. However, the peace and sanity I have thanks to a strong program has saved me from myself. I no longer carry the compulsion to overeat, and I eat within my Plan of Eating. I don't believe in diets cuz frankly, they have never worked for me. I am also a gastric bypass patient who's bypass went horribly wrong.

I hope to talk to people who understand. Thanks for reading me and I would love to participate more.

Hugs and love,
Lisa

[sylvie]

Welcome Lisa ..

3.5 years, that's wonderful, good for you!
i am currently working step one of the program in the workbook and i have strong days and challenging days - i am working on a stronger plan of eating as well with my sponsor and attending meetings as often as i can. Diets never work for me either, so far the program is helping me so much, i still have a lot of self-honesty and feelings to deal with i think ..
Please do share and participate more, we'd love to hear more from you!

(((hugggs)))

[sylvie]

Damn emotional rollercoasters..

Right now, i am struggling with showing my emotions and feelings..
This week has been difficult.. In my recovery work, i shared with a group one thing about my feelings on something, and i hit send..
i couldn't get it back, people could read it, and panic set in...

i feel so overwhelmed, my character defects are so highly protected by me, i hold them close still.. i am still working on Step One in the workbook, and sometimes i feel like i am doing so good and then something happens to remind me that i still have so much to work through..

i know this isn't easy stuff..i also know it can't be rushed and i have to take it at the pace i need. (which is a very, slow.. long.. pace, apparently) or feels like it..

Guilt, i am loaded with so much guilt, about so many things.. Some of it healthy, most of it unhealthy things to feel guilt about.. So, that is why i panic when it comes to sharing my feelings.. a/i worry about what others think of me and what i say far too much and b/i have stuffed it all in since childhood and internalize , internalize, internalize..

So breaking through this well protected layer of myself has been challenging, and will continue to be challenging.. i come in here and share bits & pieces of my journey and recovery even though it feels so completely embarrassing because i know i learn from doing so as much as others might too. It keeps me accountable, and keeps me moving forward when i acknowledge the imperfections... Much as i try and try and try to do things perfectly, i am finally starting to accept i will not do things perfectly because i am NOT perfect.. And it's okay to have flaws..

So, this week is about staying positive, keeping myself afloat despite emotions with my grandmothers and family stuff, and it's about self-care.. Taking care of me, because i deserve this recovery.. It's about working through this hard stuff, remembering i am NOT alone, and keeping it real.. So, it's time to get to sharing the hard stuff, here & on my blog.. Despite my feeling so ashamed over my past choices, and patting myself on the back for the hard work i have done this passed year already..

Please know, that there are always people who care around, i am one of those people... When there are hard days, or hard weeks, shoot me a message.. i know most don't & won't post in this thread (and that's soooo very okay!) because i am overjoyed that i'm trusted enough to be there for you, in whatever way you need that.. And thank you all, for being willing to be there for me too..

i know my journey of recovery is really only just beginning..
It's scary, it's emotional - but so needed..
*takes a deep breath*
i will be sharing the good, the bad & the ugly from now on..
saying this, now makes me accountable..

Reminder to myself in reading back: Take a deep breath, you've got this.

[aishah]

dear sylvie...thank you for sharing your journey here. *hugs* i am thinking of you and sending love. speaking up and being honest (with ourselves) about our struggles is hard.

for you (or others in the thread)...has anyone worked on wrap (wellness recovery action plan) as part of their recovery process? it's something i've been working on lately since i have a really hard time with maintaining my recovery. it's a process by which you identify your wellness tools, support networks, etc. and what things are like for you when you're well and things you can do to cope when struggling.

lately i've been struggling a LOT with maintaining good habits, like eating as often as i need to, as much as i need to, eating the things that i need to. (i've been skipping meals a lot and not eating enough.) i'm not actively hurting myself but i have been falling back into bad habits and i think i got complacent and forgot how much i need to stay accountable for taking care of myself. i have also been struggling with comparing myself to others...i have several friends who are also in recovery and have been talking about daily eating habits with one lately, and her food/caloric needs are a lot different from mine, and since i need more it's been a struggle not to feel like i'm "doing it wrong." if that makes any sense.

[MissItalianDiva]

Hmm well I have been avoiding admitting this publicly and even "try" or think I am hiding this from my friends and family but I know it is no secret. I see everyone watching my food intake and hear the probing questions which doesn't help my addiction or controlling behaviors with regards to food but that is my issue and not theirs to deal with.

I have come to a point where I am ready to be done with the control food and calorie counting have over my life. I have a long history of what some might call anorexia while I still carry much denial and simply call it not being hungry or too busy to eat which is BS and I know it.

I obsess over carb and calorie counting as well as controlling the amount of fat grams I consume. I restrict all types of food especially meat and rarely eat in front of people....It is a ritual when I do eat. Everything is weighed out. Not sure how or why I got to this point but it is extremely unhealthy and I need to make this change. I have SLE and I know my eating habits are helping to hurt my overall health. I have no been in remission with my Lupus for some time now and the flares are constant.

So there it is. I despise food and am a restrictive eater that borderlines on Anorexia. Not sure where to start but just wanted to purge

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Hmm well I have been avoiding admitting this publicly and even "try" or think I am hiding this from my friends and family but I know it is no secret. I see everyone watching my food intake and hear the probing questions which doesn't help my addiction or controlling behaviors with regards to food but that is my issue and not theirs to deal with.

I have come to a point where I am ready to be done with the control food and calorie counting have over my life. I have a long history of what some might call anorexia while I still carry much denial and simply call it not being hungry or too busy to eat which is BS and I know it.

I obsess over carb and calorie counting as well as controlling the amount of fat grams I consume. I restrict all types of food especially meat and rarely eat in front of people....It is a ritual when I do eat. Everything is weighed out. Not sure how or why I got to this point but it is extremely unhealthy and I need to make this change. I have SLE and I know my eating habits are helping to hurt my overall health. I have no been in remission with my Lupus for some time now and the flares are constant.

So there it is. I despise food and am a restrictive eater that borderlines on Anorexia. Not sure where to start but just wanted to purge

Hi, Miss Diva. I just wanted to thank you for posting and congratulate you for taking a step.

I am almost two years in recovery from anorexia. One of the hardest days of my early recovery was my first nutritionist appointment

i wanted to hear "just eat, it's ok," but she gave me a meal plan that still required counting.

i didn't truly recover until i let that go. i went on a trip to Paris and just couldn't see counting calories in that situation, and when i got back i had a new love and too much going on to have the energy to put into the rituals anymore

i was really lucky that those two things happened close together like that, as they really created a big break between my old life and a new one.

i know other people can't expect to get that lucky, so this isn't advice, just a story