Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[Estella]

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

[StrongButch]

I think so after time has passed I think it is healthy

[Soft*Silver]

I am currently friends with most of my exes. I can tell you that the exes who DONT want to be friends with me, do so, so I wont tell their tales....they are wayyy to ashamed of themselves and how they acted with me to let me near their life now.

[macele]

the chance of being friends is much better with a sisters or brothers ex LOL.

i do talk to an ex girlfriend. we laugh. we talk about day to day stuff. but there are different types of friends. she's not one that i can tell absolutely anything to. but yeah, a communication line can be achieved.

a lot depends on where the heart is, ... has it moved on. it's certainly not healthy, mentally, to extend a hand when loneliness is present (personal experience). as bad ass strong as i think i am, i can let my guard down, ... when lonely creeps in.

i'm not so sure it can ever be a complete friendship. maybe no more than hello, how are you? with a laugh thrown in. i certainly don't want to be friends on a level where current girlfriends meet the exes over dinner.

i do hope all works out for you, cuddles.

[Skittlesluver]

I think this really depends on each other's feelings and each individual person. If both of you can keep your friendship going and not bring up the past or the "relationship"...maybe...but as mentioned in previous posts here....things are "different" after you have engaged in an intimate relationship with someone.
There is not right or wrong answer to this question...it's totally based on each person's personal preference...(try saying those three words fast)

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Fenchurch

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

For me, this is just MHO, i don't have a "need" to be a friend with my exes. But, I do believe it is great when friendships can come out of relationships and that has most certainly happened for me a couple of times. I've seen this from others as well and it always warms my heart and makes me think "good for them".

And even the term friend can be dissected as to it's true meaning. A close friend, a friend you rarely talk to, someone who has your back, etc. It varies, IMO with each person that we consider a "friend".

I have a couple of exes i never speak to, the break ups were not exactly hunky dory. But, i would still help them if they called, for instance, saying they had cancer or someone in their family did and needed a shoulder or a friend or nursing guidance. I would for anyone, and most certainly for someone that i once cared about evidently enough to be their partner.

But, again, IMO, there has to be boundaries in every type of relationship and most certainly with an ex. Would it break my heart if an ex didn't want to be friends with me? Maybe, but i'd get over it...probably rather quickly.

[girl_dee]

Also if you have kids involved, that could influence things. Maybe for me the relationship/breakup was painful and i just don't want that energy in my life.

[BullDog]

Currently I am not really friends with any of my exes, but I have been friends with some of them in the past. Others I haven't wanted to speak to ever again after things ended.

I have one ex that at first we did keep in some contact. It wasn't a good relationship and didn't end too well. After a while I didn't feel she was being respectful of me and didn't want to continue the friendship. I asked her not to contact me anymore. She honored my request.

One of my exes was my partner for 12 years. I made the decision to break up. She is a great person and always treated me well. The passion was just not there for either one of us. When I moved out and got a place of my own I had a party. I felt weird about inviting her but also weird about not inviting her. So I did ask her but said I would totally understand if she didn't want to come. Well she came to my party and met a friend of a friend. They started dating and have been together ever since. It's been about 10 years. Lesbian cliche I guess, lol. Actually among my lesbian friends it is quite common for people to be friends with their exes.

[genghisfawn]

I've discovered a few circumstances:

1) You can be friends because there was no romantic chemistry but you got along beautifully otherwise;

2) A friendship is possible until either one of you gets a jealous partner;

3) There's no way you'd have that person as a friend simply because they've proven that they're not good at the things that make a friend (honesty, compassion, loyalty, etc.)

My only recommendation is to tread carefully and don't become friends if either of you still have feelings. Ex sex is awkward. Good luck!

[girl_dee]

Being honest about the ex relationship is crucial.

If you are not up front about all of it and respect boundaries, the new love of your life may have reason to be *jealous*.

[Syr]

Originally Posted by Fenchurch

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

Well said. My sentiments exactly.