Do you think saying "I love you" always has strings?

boobookitty · 03-09-2012, 04:27 PM

Life has ways of making the simplest things complicated. I can say things like, "I adore you." - "You are importaint to me." - "I am so grateful to have you in my life!" --so I say it out loud in other ways-- but not, 'I L-O-V-E you.'

I feel the responsibility. Those words really mean something to me. And I posted this as a 'poly' thread because she is not my primary, and never will be.
It is a 'friends with benefits' relationship, and she lives 4 and a half hours away, one way. We might get to see each other/ spend time together, 6 times a year and we are not fluid bonded. We have known each other over a year.

I worry (sort of) about her getting hurt, I would like her to date others. But she isn't out. She was many years ago, but when that realtionship fell apart she married a man, and stayed with him 8 years, and has now been divorced from him 3 years. This is not a problem for me, just a bit of history to show why I worry about her feelings. She grew up being told and believeing she is going to hell... ~yadda yadda~

So, to shorten the story... I am her 3rd voluntary relationship in her whole life. She is 44 now, I am 47. (just for reference and I have had MANY relationships)
regarless of how I 'feel' .. I think I need to protect her, form a lack of relationship experience... I have promised to always be her friend before anything else.

So I struggle with the balance.

(and I need to talk it out some of my own feelings and thoughts before I say something to her) We have talked frankly about the difference between "love" and being... "in love"

we talk several times a week... she has been to my home and met my family I have been to /stayed with her at her home and met her family.

I REALLY don't want her hurt!

(chuckles)
I did try to scare her off... but d*mn she has read almost everything I have ever posted on line. She knows almost as much about me as I do!

princessbelle · 03-09-2012, 04:49 PM

I guess i've worked too much today and i'm too tired but i don't see what the problem is....

You have this girl who is not your primary, will never be and your relationship is friends with benefits and that's cool with the both of you.

Now you are wanting to say i love you to her but you are not in love.

So...why say it then. Don't rock the boat. Don't fix what doesn't need fixin. Sounds like from your posts, she may be more into you than you are her...and you want to say "I love you?". Ummmm, not a good idea...IMO.

Maybe i'm missing something....

If it is a raw need YOU have to say it....just remember...

All choices we make in life equate to some type of consequence, whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

Let sleeping dogs lie and just enjoy what you have....

Oh and PS. I also think that saying I love you and being in love are different. But, to peeps that don't get it....it is a hard rocky road.

MysticOceansFL · 03-09-2012, 04:57 PM

I agree , never tell someone that you " love "them because if your not inlove with the person your with 1. why are you with the person and 2. why are you telling the person you love them when in fact your not "inlove" with them?

boobookitty · 03-09-2012, 05:15 PM

I have to say, I felt a rush of peace... as I read these responses,
My common sense feeling all along has been to not say it.

I have waited and tried to get the relationship passed the, early stages of "its so wonderfull to have someone in my life" phase...

I have struggled with feeling like a jerk.. because I have not been completely upfront with her about this issue,... I can talk things to death!

I think my life experience is warning me ...that she will feel more attached if I said what I feel. It never would have gone this far if I didn't care for her. But, I can love someone and walk away... she has said she can too.

but I think, ... my gut is warning me that ..she really isn't at that level.
the conflict.. has been I am a very open and honest person... and I haven't told her. (but, I may have told everyone else in the whole world.)

---
And I very much appreciate everyone hashing this out with me.

laruss · 03-18-2012, 10:27 PM

I spent many, many years inside my own head, worrying about how what I said or did would be perceived. I never put myself out there unless I was sure that the other person felt the same way.

Recently I realized how important it is to let the people you care about know how much you care about them. I tell everyone that I love, that I love them, that I appreciate them, that I am glad they are in my life. Life is too short to keep that important information to yourself.

It is amazing how the more you share your love for others the more it is shared with you. I am truly blessed to have so many people in my life to love.

Risk is a part of life, but if you don't risk you don't really live.

Good Luck,
L

Gemme · 03-19-2012, 06:17 PM

Yes, it comes with strings. Stringy, sticky, tangly ones.

Don't say it unless you mean it.

If you mean it, say it.

kittygrrl · 03-19-2012, 06:58 PM

how about bringing something delectable to bed..something you can feed her and just say something sweet like.." i love the way you make me feel" or ' i love the way you kiss me" etc. you are using the word love but in an appreciative way most women would enjoy hearing.

Gemme · 03-19-2012, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KerrieH

I consider myself a butch and my whole world has been torn apart over this, so I cannot imagine how bad it would be for a femme who may be emotional.

Whoa.

This is not okay.

grenade · 03-09-2012, 05:12 PM

I love you all.

03-09-2012, 04:27 PM	#1
boobookitty Member How Do You Identify?: I like the tag Lipstick Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: not picky, but male pronouns are soothing to the psyche Relationship Status: not looking for more than friends Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: central USA Posts: 119 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 70 Thanked 215 Times in 59 Posts Rep Power: 1451775	Life has ways of making the simplest things complicated. I can say things like, "I adore you." - "You are importaint to me." - "I am so grateful to have you in my life!" --so I say it out loud in other ways-- but not, 'I L-O-V-E you.' I feel the responsibility. Those words really mean something to me. And I posted this as a 'poly' thread because she is not my primary, and never will be. It is a 'friends with benefits' relationship, and she lives 4 and a half hours away, one way. We might get to see each other/ spend time together, 6 times a year and we are not fluid bonded. We have known each other over a year. I worry (sort of) about her getting hurt, I would like her to date others. But she isn't out. She was many years ago, but when that realtionship fell apart she married a man, and stayed with him 8 years, and has now been divorced from him 3 years. This is not a problem for me, just a bit of history to show why I worry about her feelings. She grew up being told and believeing she is going to hell... ~yadda yadda~ So, to shorten the story... I am her 3rd voluntary relationship in her whole life. She is 44 now, I am 47. (just for reference and I have had MANY relationships) regarless of how I 'feel' .. I think I need to protect her, form a lack of relationship experience... I have promised to always be her friend before anything else. So I struggle with the balance. (and I need to talk it out some of my own feelings and thoughts before I say something to her) We have talked frankly about the difference between "love" and being... "in love" we talk several times a week... she has been to my home and met my family I have been to /stayed with her at her home and met her family. I REALLY don't want her hurt! (chuckles) I did try to scare her off... but d*mn she has read almost everything I have ever posted on line. She knows almost as much about me as I do! __________________ [I]LOL...yeah, I'm a cisgender heterosexual male crossdresser trapped in a womans body. [/I]:sunglass:

03-09-2012, 04:49 PM	#2
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,496 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I guess i've worked too much today and i'm too tired but i don't see what the problem is.... You have this girl who is not your primary, will never be and your relationship is friends with benefits and that's cool with the both of you. Now you are wanting to say i love you to her but you are not in love. So...why say it then. Don't rock the boat. Don't fix what doesn't need fixin. Sounds like from your posts, she may be more into you than you are her...and you want to say "I love you?". Ummmm, not a good idea...IMO. Maybe i'm missing something.... If it is a raw need YOU have to say it....just remember... All choices we make in life equate to some type of consequence, whether it be good, bad or indifferent. Let sleeping dogs lie and just enjoy what you have.... Oh and PS. I also think that saying I love you and being in love are different. But, to peeps that don't get it....it is a hard rocky road. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

03-09-2012, 04:57 PM	#3
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I agree , never tell someone that you " love "them because if your not inlove with the person your with 1. why are you with the person and 2. why are you telling the person you love them when in fact your not "inlove" with them? __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

03-09-2012, 05:15 PM	#4
boobookitty Member How Do You Identify?: I like the tag Lipstick Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: not picky, but male pronouns are soothing to the psyche Relationship Status: not looking for more than friends Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: central USA Posts: 119 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 70 Thanked 215 Times in 59 Posts Rep Power: 1451775	I have to say, I felt a rush of peace... as I read these responses, My common sense feeling all along has been to not say it. I have waited and tried to get the relationship passed the, early stages of "its so wonderfull to have someone in my life" phase... I have struggled with feeling like a jerk.. because I have not been completely upfront with her about this issue,... I can talk things to death! I think my life experience is warning me ...that she will feel more attached if I said what I feel. It never would have gone this far if I didn't care for her. But, I can love someone and walk away... she has said she can too. but I think, ... my gut is warning me that ..she really isn't at that level. the conflict.. has been I am a very open and honest person... and I haven't told her. (but, I may have told everyone else in the whole world.) --- And I very much appreciate everyone hashing this out with me. __________________ [I]LOL...yeah, I'm a cisgender heterosexual male crossdresser trapped in a womans body. [/I]:sunglass:

03-18-2012, 10:27 PM	#5
laruss Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She or Goddess Relationship Status: Settled in Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Edmonton Alberta Posts: 1,322 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,849 Thanked 5,329 Times in 1,045 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Choose Love I spent many, many years inside my own head, worrying about how what I said or did would be perceived. I never put myself out there unless I was sure that the other person felt the same way. Recently I realized how important it is to let the people you care about know how much you care about them. I tell everyone that I love, that I love them, that I appreciate them, that I am glad they are in my life. Life is too short to keep that important information to yourself. It is amazing how the more you share your love for others the more it is shared with you. I am truly blessed to have so many people in my life to love. Risk is a part of life, but if you don't risk you don't really live. Good Luck, L

03-19-2012, 06:17 PM	#6
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,925 Times in 25,666 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	Yes, it comes with strings. Stringy, sticky, tangly ones. Don't say it unless you mean it. If you mean it, say it. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

03-19-2012, 06:58 PM	#7
kittygrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: witchy Preferred Pronoun?: gf Relationship Status: Uranus will retrograde in Gemini Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in the wild mushrooms Posts: 9,632 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,701 Thanked 22,134 Times in 7,205 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	how about bringing something delectable to bed..something you can feed her and just say something sweet like.." i love the way you make me feel" or ' i love the way you kiss me" etc. you are using the word love but in an appreciative way most women would enjoy hearing.

03-09-2012, 05:12 PM	#9
grenade Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Full Flavor Femme Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Midwest Posts: 2,929 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,925 Thanked 8,058 Times in 2,121 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I love you all.