Eating Disorders ~

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Hmm well I have been avoiding admitting this publicly and even "try" or think I am hiding this from my friends and family but I know it is no secret. I see everyone watching my food intake and hear the probing questions which doesn't help my addiction or controlling behaviors with regards to food but that is my issue and not theirs to deal with.

I have come to a point where I am ready to be done with the control food and calorie counting have over my life. I have a long history of what some might call anorexia while I still carry much denial and simply call it not being hungry or too busy to eat which is BS and I know it.

I obsess over carb and calorie counting as well as controlling the amount of fat grams I consume. I restrict all types of food especially meat and rarely eat in front of people....It is a ritual when I do eat. Everything is weighed out. Not sure how or why I got to this point but it is extremely unhealthy and I need to make this change. I have SLE and I know my eating habits are helping to hurt my overall health. I have no been in remission with my Lupus for some time now and the flares are constant.

So there it is. I despise food and am a restrictive eater that borderlines on Anorexia. Not sure where to start but just wanted to purge

Hi, Miss Diva. I just wanted to thank you for posting and congratulate you for taking a step.

I am almost two years in recovery from anorexia. One of the hardest days of my early recovery was my first nutritionist appointment

i wanted to hear "just eat, it's ok," but she gave me a meal plan that still required counting.

i didn't truly recover until i let that go. i went on a trip to Paris and just couldn't see counting calories in that situation, and when i got back i had a new love and too much going on to have the energy to put into the rituals anymore

i was really lucky that those two things happened close together like that, as they really created a big break between my old life and a new one.

i know other people can't expect to get that lucky, so this isn't advice, just a story

[Lady_Di]

I want to personally thank each and everyone of you for sharing in this thread. It is not easy to talk about.

Keep Coming Back!

ODAAT,
Di

[sylvie]

Aishah, i would love to know more about WRAP, i have support networks and wellness tools, but not familiar with WRAP, that i know of anyway..
One thing i will say, is there isn't one person that my recovery, obsessive behaviors and needs for wellness have been identical with.. Everyone is different.. What works for you, can't be wrong - only we know ourselves and what works for us.. i have a lot of similarities and share a lot of things like other compulsive eaters and bulimics, but their plan of eating can be so completely different from my own.. It's hard not to compare, it's something i do often as well.. Be easy on yourself, stop and breathe often and ask yourself questions to figure out the feelings surrounding the behavior or thoughts...What you say makes total sense though, i get it, have been there, and often still am there... Thank *YOU* for sharing here as well, keep coming back! (((hugggs)))

MissItalianDiva, thank you for posting and taking the step.. Welcome!
i can soo relate with the numbers.. Counting calories consumed, doing the math and breaking down the calories burned, figuring out the difference from meals eaten the day before, weighing my food, measuring it all out, counting the steps i walk each day, -- the list goes on... Numbers consume me, if i let it.. i am currently doing a program called intuitive eating with my dietician (for eating disorders) and it comes from a book with that exact title, and it's helped me a great deal so far.. It has helped me to work through my diet mentality and let go of things that help me obsess (like my pedometer and calorie counting websites and diet magazines etc...) That was just the first step, it gets much more in depth.. This is my first experience with a dietician/nutritionist and while i am completely stubborn and never accept things when she tells them to me (it takes me weeks of accepting them on my own time, with argument, frustration and much grrr'ing, i'm sure..) it's truly one tool i have that helps me embrace this more and motivates me to work through it.. i'm really proud of you for taking the first step, we're all here for you! Keep coming back! (((hugggs)))

Di, HI! Welcome and thank you!!
So glad you are here with us... (((huggz)))

[aishah]

missitaliandiva and di, i am so happy you are both in this thread

sylvie thank you for your sweet message!

wrap is a sort of workbook-style recovery thing where you devise your own plan to maintain wellness. you write down what you are like when you are well, and daily/regular actions you need to do to be well; your 'wellness toolbox,' or things that help you stay well or help you when you are struggling; your triggers; what it looks/feels like when things start breaking down (usually at this stage you can tell something's wrong but others can't); what it looks/feels like when things are getting worse and others can tell something is wrong; and your crisis plan. your crisis plan can also be sort of an advanced medical directive in some states - you can dictate who you want to help you when you are in crisis, what treatments/medications/facilities, etc. you want and don't want, and what procedures you want to be followed in case you aren't able to make decisions for yourself. you can also put together a post-crisis plan for how to transition back to "normal."

i'm not at a point now where i feel like i need a crisis plan but i'm grateful to have it to help develop one. i do really love the first parts though - i've found the daily maintenance plan/keeping track of what i need to do to stay well and what my "warning signs" are to be EXTREMELY helpful, because i find that i forget a lot of those when i'm in the middle of stress.

this is the main wrap website: http://www.mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrap/
and here are some other useful sites in case you're interested http://psychcentral.com/library/id239.html
http://www.mentalhealthaction.org/We...ctionPlan.aspx (the wrap part starts about halfway down the page)

[MsTinkerbelly]

In my late 20's I was completely out of control...I would binge and purge, stay out drinking all night, screw anything in pants...desperately trying to feel something, anything to take away the pain I felt from childhood sexual abuse and the attempt to prove I wasn't gay. It all culminated with me marrying my daughter's father because he was a good man and I was going to be straight even if it killed me.

Well I'm okay with the lesbian part now, and I no longer "diet" in an attempt to lose weight; I have changed my eating habits to help my heart. BUT.... I still get the urge to binge and purge if I over eat, and I weigh every single day....sometimes twice a day. I know how easy it would be to slip back into the binge purge cycle, which is why I haven't really "dieted" in 20 years. I have to be in control when I diet, and it leads me straight to the b&p to regain control if I stray from the "allowed" calorie count.

Thank you sylvie for starting this thread...as lady di says, ODAAT.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

In my late 20's I was completely out of control...I would binge and purge, stay out drinking all night, screw anything in pants...desperately trying to feel something, anything to take away the pain I felt from childhood sexual abuse and the attempt to prove I wasn't gay. It all culminated with me marrying my daughter's father because he was a good man and I was going to be straight even if it killed me.

Well I'm okay with the lesbian part now, and I no longer "diet" in an attempt to lose weight; I have changed my eating habits to help my heart. BUT.... I still get the urge to binge and purge if I over eat, and I weigh every single day....sometimes twice a day. I know how easy it would be to slip back into the binge purge cycle, which is why I haven't really "dieted" in 20 years. I have to be in control when I diet, and it leads me straight to the b&p to regain control if I stray from the "allowed" calorie count.

Thank you sylvie for starting this thread...as lady di says, ODAAT.

((((((((((((( Tinkerbelly )))))))))))))) i don't think the urge ever goes away, i struggle too. it's been 20 years for me and i still struggle. The urge is there but the control is there too. Getting rid of what you eat to me is a way to unload emotionally as well and therein lies the problem.

i used to weigh in all the time and a couple of years ago the scale got taken away from me, that helped break the compulsion to stop weighing myself constantly but i thought about it every day. i am better about that now but i want to have control over that scale so i have worked on being able to have one without giving in to it.

Baby steps.