Abuse in butch-femme relationships

Mtn · 03-29-2012, 09:28 PM

You don't hit girls, simplistic, but really not. Good luck to you.

SugarFemme · 03-29-2012, 09:33 PM

I am truly very sorry for you had to go through and continue to deal with. It's awesome that SHE is going to counseling, but I would highly recommend that YOU go get counseling as well. When you are educated on Domestic Violence and also have a therapist helping you through what had happened, hopefully it will give you a much stronger foundation to deal with the past and prevent it from becoming a part of your future. I cannot implore you more to educate yourself and get counseling. Good luck to you.

NorCalStud · 03-29-2012, 09:45 PM

I agree you both need counseling. Even if you were not dealing with your own hand hitting....Im gonna say what I think should happen and then take what you want and throw out the rest:
She in couseling
you in counseling
You two in couples counseling ONLY. No dating or sex... just healing.
Then after three months check it out but continue counseling for a year.

OR....run...she had a knife....thats very serious...she really isnt that perfect person who is everything to you....she threatened you . Believe me there are mass great handsome butches out there who know how to take a femme out and have fun

Electrocell · 03-29-2012, 09:37 PM

I agree with Mtn you don't hit women period . If you are mad enough to hit her then you best be walking away until you cool down. I have however had some women to try and come after me and keep the arguement going and some that have actually hit me. My opinion run like hell and never look back.

Random · 03-29-2012, 09:49 PM

No contact...

Sometime the love can be there but it's toxic...

How can you ever trust that she will not hit you again?

That trust is gone...

I know this is going to sound harsh, but you are only 22.. At 22 you are just starting to get a clue about life and about who you are/will be...

You will meet someone you makes you feel this way again... Honest, you really will...

I recommend you NOT look for another butch until you get some therapy to help heal from the last....

(Wishes she had taken this advice when it was given to her.....)

*Anya* · 03-29-2012, 09:51 PM

Whether it be a male or female abuser- you are putting your life at risk if you go back to her.

My abuser was my ex-husband. I was young, just like you are. Abusers always have an excuse: you made them upset/angry; they had a bad day/night; too much alcohol/drugs, etc., etc.

They are always remorseful, it will never happen again; until it does.

My ex-husband started with pushing, shoving, escalating to slaps-until the time I was 8-months pregnant with my second baby at age 20, when he sat on my stomach and punched me in the face several times.

Get therapy for yourself or anything that you need to help you to believe that you do not deserve abuse. It is great that she is in intensive therapy but it could take years for her to get a handle on her anger and acting out. Cutting down on her drinking may not be enough for her either. She may need to get clean and sober.

That you also slapped her, also reflects that the two of you are a volatile couple. It does not bode well for your future as a couple or that it is healthy for either of you to be together.

There are so many loving butches out there that would never dream of hurting you. Give yourself a chance to find this out for yourself. You can break the cycle.

Best of luck.

03-29-2012, 09:28 PM	#1
Mtn Member How Do You Identify?: Stone butch, daddy type Relationship Status: sylvie calls me her studmuffin Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: OR Posts: 691 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,005 Thanked 3,834 Times in 617 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	You don't hit girls, simplistic, but really not. Good luck to you. __________________ If you don't sleep in my bed, or sign my paycheck, your opinion probably does not matter to me...

03-29-2012, 09:45 PM	#3
NorCalStud Member How Do You Identify?: gaea's Daddy and Fiance Preferred Pronoun?: Ours Relationship Status: Engaged with gaea:-) Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Island Mountain Posts: 440 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,630 Thanked 1,465 Times in 359 Posts Rep Power: 18918589	Take hope I agree you both need counseling. Even if you were not dealing with your own hand hitting....Im gonna say what I think should happen and then take what you want and throw out the rest: She in couseling you in counseling You two in couples counseling ONLY. No dating or sex... just healing. Then after three months check it out but continue counseling for a year. OR....run...she had a knife....thats very serious...she really isnt that perfect person who is everything to you....she threatened you . Believe me there are mass great handsome butches out there who know how to take a femme out and have fun __________________ "Love the questions" ...Rainier Marie Rilke...Letters to a young poet Che

03-29-2012, 09:37 PM	#4
Electrocell Member How Do You Identify?: Stonebutch Preferred Pronoun?: he/hy Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: TN Posts: 1,334 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,535 Thanked 2,768 Times in 981 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I agree with Mtn you don't hit women period . If you are mad enough to hit her then you best be walking away until you cool down. I have however had some women to try and come after me and keep the arguement going and some that have actually hit me. My opinion run like hell and never look back. __________________ Love and accept me for me not someone you want me to be.

03-29-2012, 09:49 PM	#5
Random Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: back in the land of trees and snow Posts: 2,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,017 Thanked 5,327 Times in 1,378 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	No contact... Sometime the love can be there but it's toxic... How can you ever trust that she will not hit you again? That trust is gone... I know this is going to sound harsh, but you are only 22.. At 22 you are just starting to get a clue about life and about who you are/will be... You will meet someone you makes you feel this way again... Honest, you really will... I recommend you NOT look for another butch until you get some therapy to help heal from the last.... (Wishes she had taken this advice when it was given to her.....) __________________ ~Volunteer~ "It gets in your blood"

03-29-2012, 09:51 PM	#6
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,445 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Whether it be a male or female abuser- you are putting your life at risk if you go back to her. My abuser was my ex-husband. I was young, just like you are. Abusers always have an excuse: you made them upset/angry; they had a bad day/night; too much alcohol/drugs, etc., etc. They are always remorseful, it will never happen again; until it does. My ex-husband started with pushing, shoving, escalating to slaps-until the time I was 8-months pregnant with my second baby at age 20, when he sat on my stomach and punched me in the face several times. Get therapy for yourself or anything that you need to help you to believe that you do not deserve abuse. It is great that she is in intensive therapy but it could take years for her to get a handle on her anger and acting out. Cutting down on her drinking may not be enough for her either. She may need to get clean and sober. That you also slapped her, also reflects that the two of you are a volatile couple. It does not bode well for your future as a couple or that it is healthy for either of you to be together. There are so many loving butches out there that would never dream of hurting you. Give yourself a chance to find this out for yourself. You can break the cycle. Best of luck. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

03-29-2012, 09:33 PM	#2
SugarFemme Member How Do You Identify?: Fierce Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Singular Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Southwest Posts: 1,029 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 650 Thanked 4,458 Times in 854 Posts Rep Power*: 21474852	I am truly very sorry for you had to go through and continue to deal with. It's awesome that SHE is going to counseling, but I would highly recommend that YOU go get counseling as well. When you are educated on Domestic Violence and also have a therapist helping you through what had happened, hopefully it will give you a much stronger foundation to deal with the past and prevent it from becoming a part of your future. I cannot implore you more to educate yourself and get counseling. Good luck to you.