Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

It always does my heart such good to see participation in this thread !!
You all play a huge role in not only our recovery, but the ones who don't post in here for all to see.. so thank you all for sharing such a personal side of yourselves...

A little update on me:
Everyday is still a struggle.. The desire to binge, the desire to purge.. i am convinced that never goes away.. But right now what i find increasingly difficult, is that i get overly obsessive.. About foods, definitely.. About numbers as well.. But, lately i am finding other things to get really obsessive about in order to try and get away from obsessing food..

i can completely understand how some people have gone from one addiction to another, it wouldn't be that hard at all..But lately, what i obsess the most is my recovery, believe it or not.. Everyday, i throw myself into the books, the meetings, the email support groups.. i read, i answer questions, i dig and i dig.. Which is all GOOD stuff. However, when i am balancing a household, working full time hours, running errands - putting hours and hours of recovery work in is exhausting the hell out of me.. i get emotional, i get bent and then the vicious cycle begins.. and if i don't put in so much work, i get so hard on myself.. When i get hard on myself, i obsess, when i obsess i set myself up.. And when i set myself up, my whole damn day is shot .. Because i spend that day (or many more days) trying to work through that issue, and balance everything mentioned above..

Also, my OCD has gotten much worse than it's ever been (housework, for instance....my oh my..) It's not a good thing either, i'm already a cleaning addict, but when something is out of order, unorganized or well.. if i have no control on how the house will look when i get home from work, for instance.. my whole day becomes an upset.. And i'll spend my time tidying and cleaning - but even worse, the fretting and the being hard on myself.. i have 2 teenagers, that definitely don't clean to my standards, lol.. So the house will never be as perfect as i want it, unless they aren't home and everything is how i left it..

So i'm really struggling with the obsessiveness of the disease right now.. i know i need to be easier on myself - easier said than done.. i have put some things into motion as far as the teenagers go.. They are 16 and almost 19, and it's time they help Mom out - they don't like the rules put in place and certainly aren't happy i'm sticking with it, but things have to change.. In the meantime though, i really need to work through this challenge of mine..

i still do great with using my daily tools..
i'm attending meetings daily, see my dietician and doctor regularly..
i am working the steps, in my workbook, reading literature, and working with a Sponsor also..

i do feel i've come a long way in a year, but i also know i've a long way to go.
This 'is' a lifetime commitment, and very grateful for each of you who share your journey and ESH as well.. It makes a world of difference for me to have this support, advice and some place to turn and ramble these thoughts..

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(((Chancie & MsTinkerbelly))) Welcome!
& Aishah, thank you so much for the informaion & links, so appreciated!

[dark_crystal]

Body dysphoria is freaky, ya'll

I my recovery weight stabilized last January and has been the same ever since no matter what i ate or did not eat or burned or did not burn

(set point theory is true!)

However in the last 2 months i have worn 3 different sizes of underwear. I bought some yesterday that are two sizes smaller than the ones i bought in February and one size smaller than the ones i bought in March

Why is my underwear size changing when my body is not?

Because the way i percieve my body is not related to reality!

Although it does seem to be getting closer since the sizes are going down

[sylvie]

So i've had a difficult ohhh 10-12 days or so..
But, the hard moments follow with a lesson and growth for me usually.
For that i am grateful.

i could feel myself disconnecting from my recovery, bit by bit.
Complete lack of motivation, and overwhelmed and completely exhausted..
But, the reason for that is because i set myself up to make that happen, continuously everyday..i have tools that i use daily (plan of eating, meetings, blogging, meditation, the list goes on..) Some days i am busier than others, my work shifts change each day.. And i have a tendency to pile tasks on myself and i am unrealistic about what kind of load i can handle..

When i can't handle the list of to-do's for the day, i take it out on myself.. That inner bully within resurfaces and suddenly i am creating all the excuses i need to abuse myself with food and behaviors - and it's a vicious circle.

Yesterday, i finally reconnected - and am slowly reeling myself back in.. SO hard to be honest with myself and admit that i set myself up like i do, but really i need to lose the supergirl cape and accept the fact that i'm human and can only take on so much each day..

An example:
i am a member of 6 email loops within Overeaters Anonymous, which send out writings each day sharing their experiences, and then send 3 questions .. So, 6 loops, and i fell behind for 12 days, = 72 emails of 3 questions each.. Yesterday was my day off, so i tasked myself (after doing housework, laundry, going to the gym, etc) to catch up and do those 72 emails and send them in... i started at 4pm.. By 5pm, i answered one email of 3 questions, because i'm longwinded and really dig deep when i am doing these things.. They're a great help in my recovery and learning about myself - but i was getting really overwhelmed and upset with myself that i would probably be up all night and *still* not catch up, that it would take days, and then i would be behind in *those* days too..

For the first time in my life, i made a decision that i could *not* do it, and i deleted all the emails, knowing i could not catch up, and made the decision to leave a couple of the unnecessary loops as well, and keep the important few.. So today, i start new, and i am accepting the fact that i was being unrealistic with myself and completely setting myself up to fail.. Doing so, would have allowed me to beat myself up with food & behaviors, and i simply cant move forward in my recovery that way.. If i can't do the questions, it's not the end of the world.. i never *have* to do the questions, i just expect myself to because i look forward to the growth and learning about myself and that is a great thing, but if i keep doing this i'm really not allowing myself that room to grow and learn.. And i'm holding myself back instead..

my Workbook, i'm still on Step One.. i carry it with me everywhere along with my 12x12 book.. That way, if i get spare moments at work, home or whereever i am, i can work in it.. But, it's been in my little bag for over 2 weeks, untouched.. i have been procrastinating the things that i really need to do to help me move forward,and i cling to the stuff that holds me back..

So, hard lesson & realization for me yesterday..
Today, i woke up with a few emails, don't work until 4pm..
So i am setting a realistic goal, of completing one question in that workbook, reading my literature, and completing today's questions and sending them in..

One step at a time, WHEN i have time..
And being more mindful of what i can handle each day, so i'm not setting myself up..
And not going to be hard on myself for 39 years of obsessing, behaviors and setting myself up - it's about letting go & moving forward..i will have stumbles, this i know.. but, that means more growth ahead.