Poly Relationships

[femmebaker]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

[Linus]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

[femmebaker]

Originally Posted by Linus

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices?

[LieslKate]

"Big Love" is related to poly relationships inasmuch as "The L Word" was to real life for Lesbians... a Hollywood farce.

I would be interested to know a couple of things from anyone currently or previously involved in a poly relationship:

1. the duration of the relationship in years

2. the makeup of the relationship ie: Butch/Trans to Femme or Boi ratio

3. What lead to the demise of the relationship (if it has ended)

4. Was it a real time/life either living together communally or separate or an online relationship.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Thanks...

[Linus]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices?

Hrm.. I wouldn't say that I'm entirely naive but neither am I experienced a few times around the block. I think right now opportunity hasn't fully presented itself and exhaustion from work has taken priority of late. That said, my ideal as it were -- if I was secondary (and I do agree in that I dislike that term) -- would be to be possible buddies with the husband/other partner. Although I admit that K and I would prefer to find a couple that we could be attached to.

There isn't -- in my book -- a best practise or theory, other than it's similar to other relationships. What works for you and yours may not work for me and mine. I've tried detached before and it worked ok but if I could be buddies then there could be an opportunity to him/hy/her and myself to hang out and do things (I need that occassional cigar buddy or sports buddy).

I suppose a lot of this is because I want to ensure open communication by all parties and don't want anyone to be without love, whether from me or others in the partnership.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Interesting. My experience has been different. I've seen long relationships with vanilla people (A hetero friend of mine has been going on for over 10 years now and an FTM buddy of mine has had one for well over 6 years) as much as others (leather/BDSM/<insert other sexual choice>). Poly, to me, isn't about the sex but rather about the intimate bonding with others (they may or may not tickle my sexual "pickle").

[femmebaker]

Linus,

Thank you for your thoughts. I, too, am attached to the idea of everyone getting along as friends at the very least. The notion of two couples coming together for friendship, affection, love, sex in a variety of combination is hugely appealing. It seems incredibly unlikely most of the time, but appealing all the same. It also would seem that if everyone know and likes one another (if not "loves"), there would be less potential for undermining and jealousy issues to surface. It's nice to dream...

[Lady_Wu]

I am in a polyandrous (two masculine people) marriage. This took us a long time to work out. Both "men" -one a FtM, the other a Karma male, hard to explain but not male in body-are intensely possessive. We were involved in a long term relationship for 4 years. Then X disappeared, leaving J and me bewildered and grieving. When he reappeared, we talked about what we wanted in life. They decided together that what each wanted was MY happiness. Since I loved and had loved both of them for a long time, they got together, drew up a Taoist/Confucian marriage contract and presented it to me. When I read it, I was thrilled. It was what I had wanted for all of my life. I in essence belong to each of them. The only thing I can do the would invalidate the marriage (witnessed and contracted by a Zen Priest) will be to go outside the marriage to another person. I am extremely happy. I am Empress of the household. They are supportive of each other and good friends. We live together in a small house. I would say that communication, respect for each other, clear boundaries, kindness, and love (in this case love for me) are paramount in keeping this marriage working. We are all happy with our decision and expect to be together for the rest of our lives. X is the eldest of us but in the best health; J is in his mid-fifties, and I am in my late 40s. They are the reason I remain in WV. I love both so dearly that I think that I would, and almost have, grieve to death without each of them. We have been together for almost 6 years now. This is rather unusual in that it is a polyandrous (2"men") rather than a polygamous (2 or more women) marriage. I feel extremely lucky in having the love of two such extraordinary "men". I am loved, cherished, and protected. Each would gladly die for me, and I for them. This is our life.
Lady_Wu, Kikkion to the Yellow Emperor and to the Lin.

[JustAGirl]

Wow, LadyWu! As a lover of man in general, my first though in mind (as I ingest and contemplate this thread) is how "the norm" view poly relationships i.e. it's almost every man's dream to have 2 girls sexually accessible...

I just wonder (if in poly relationships) if things turn territorial in other poly relationships. For instance, I can't sleep/fuck there if I know my lover has been in the bed with another. :/ Too close to "home" baby.

The older I get the more I can separate love and sex...

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

Just wanted to add my voice here and say that being upfront and honest is the only way you will find what you are looking for. In my opinion there are more than most realize and this post of yours makes you more appealing imho because you are being real and open and sad to say that is a rare thing in the world. I would be willing to give my heart to someone who was happily married if said person was the right one it would all work out. What's meant to be will be w true committment and selfless love. So I think anyway.

[Bad Bad Boi]

Hey all,

Have really enjoyed this discussion and am subscribing to the thread.

I am new to the idea of poly possibilities in my own life.

I have known they exist but never had any idea how they could possibly work.

But recently I have had to come to grips with the fact that I love a woman in CA - who we only get to see each other 2 - 3 times a year. I thought at first that as I dated others, my feelings for her would dim... but Noooo.

So now I am considering the possibility of finding an East Coast relationship in which jealosy isn't the primary ingredient... allowing me to maintain a relationship with my CA love.

I do understand that it is more than possible to love and care about more than one person at the same time.

So thanks for starting this thread and the great discussion that is found here.

Peace and Blessings,

David

[princessbelle]

I know poly can work. I've seen it work. People in this thread and site show that it can work.

I was in a poly relationship that went wrong and I was hurt beyond any pain I could imagine possible. But, I do realize that there were so many things that were done wrong by my partner and by myself and by the other girl that it is no wonder it ended in disaster. It has taken a long time to heal, and parts of me are still in mourning, however getting better all the time.

So, even though I have been there done that and suffered through what I thought had destroyed my life, I have evolved from the pain to a stronger and more self nurturing person. I am open minded enough to realize that poly can be a very healthy, fullfilling, loving and a wonderful life for the right people.

Would I ever do it again? Doubtful, however never say never.

signed....

one who keeps all possibilities open when it comes to happiness....

[Isadora]

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.

[girl_dee]

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

[girl_dee]

anyone watch the series Sister Wives?

[Jesse]

I've seen it a few times, also watched the special the other night.

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by Isadora

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.

Refreshing the page and the thread


"""Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me."""



Thank you Isadora. . I enjoy reading and re-reading your posts and the link above[/B]

[The_Lady_Snow]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.

Well said, time well spent.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.

yes yes!

Also there have been a few times where Master was asked to discuss *stuff* to help sort it out....and as it turns out the subs had it figured out and didn't need to bother Her..

always learning and growing.

[Soft*Silver]

This has been an interesting season in my life where alot of my "nevers" have been turned inside out, like you do for wash, and discovered where the roots came from and if they were just social taboos or some other goose liver pate', I really examined them.

Many of them became possibilities and some became realities. Like strap ons. I use to say I would never strap on. Oh Pshaw. That went out quickly. So did "I will never do a femme". Nonsense. I know what to do with a femme! I am one!

I have also said, I would never do Poly. I am too selfish. I could never share.

I think this is another self-lie based on cultural norms to fit in, based on heterosexual pairing. I like being coupled. I also know if given mature stable people who abided by consensual mutually agreed upon rules of the unit, it could be done.

However I am not planning on testing that out right now. But I do know never say never....