What is Forgiveness?

[UofMfan]

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

The way I was taught about forgiveness… Mauri Ora – Wellbeing. Kia Mauritau – Be peaceful.

I was taught that forgiveness is not always necessary because not every person that hurts us can be forgiven. We are not responsible for another’s motives. A person’s actions say more about them, than it does about us.

I was taught that each of us holds the ability to find peace within ourselves for what that person(s) have done to us. I was taught to own my own feelings and emotions and work through them to the best of my abilities; this does not mean take revenge for my pain, but, if I feel the need to cry from hurting, then I do and let the anger out by punching a pillow. Also, to accept or a least acknowledge that feeling stupid for a day or two because I didn’t see it coming, isn’t a bad thing.

I was taught to let Karma take its course. The Maori have a saying: “So, let the user be responsible; not to me; or you; or other mortal beings, but to one mightier then the user; so by all means, do what you wish.”

[Glenn]

Forgive everything And forget Nothing.

[~ocean]

when u learn to accept forgiveness follows

[Darbonaire]

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D4VMZb8wLY&feature=related"]Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting go - YouTube[/nomedia]

This helped me a lot.....maybe it will help another......I think it is beautiful !

[Julien]

I find it easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself for things I have done. No one is harder on me than I am on myself.

[princessbelle]

I doubt this will be a majority of the views in this thread. Could be many don't agree with how i personally deal with forgiveness. But, it is what it is and it is how i handle it.

I've heard the phrases and beautiful statements and sentiments regarding forgiveness all over the place, in which to forgive someone is a gift to yourself and all that. That's wonderful if that is how peeps want to view it. Truly i'm not dissing it, i just see things differently sometimes...not always.

If someone has hurt me, F that. I don't have to forgive them, i don't want to forgive them and i don't forgive them. It is my decision and i'm in control of that, not them. Sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness and i'm really good with that. It doesn't make me feel bitter or whatever, again it's my decision and i don't see how this could be hard on me at all.

Forgive and forget? Sometimes, for me, it's both and sometimes it's latter. What i CAN do however is forget them.The feeling in my mind is equal, because it is closure.

IMO you don't have to forgive everyone to be happy with yourself. Standing up for yourself and protecting yourself from mental/physical harm without forgiving someone is sometimes an ok thing to do.

[deedarino]

Originally Posted by UofMfan

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!

I love this article...I have always called it forgiveness but sometimes that word just sticks in my throat.

I know acceptance. I can accept that others are just who they are. That they have their own road to travel and how they touch others along their path is their journey, not mine. I can also accept that this person isn't right for my path and move on.

Forgiveness is saved for those who seek it out, who truly work to find it. Who seek true amends.

[Raven.]

when i find the answers in me, then I will think about what sits as a very secondary process. Forgiveness is the wrong language. My relationship with this word sits largely with religious practice and I link the expectation of forgiveness to a patriotic construct. History says women should forgive and move on.. blame sits with them for not "letting go" of what for many can only be described as horrendous atrocities. The prognosis of my life story and my desire for normalcy comes at a cost that many would not understand. Personally,whilst I bare such cost at the expense of another, I will never forgive.

You cannot be forgiven until you learn to forgive.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by UofMfan

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!

Yes, this.

Acceptance is different than forgiveness.

It is what it is.

I can not change the outcome. I so wish that it were different but do not have the power to change it.

I accept.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by UofMfan

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!

Originally Posted by deedarino

I love this article...I have always called it forgiveness but sometimes that word just sticks in my throat.

I know acceptance. I can accept that others are just who they are. That they have their own road to travel and how they touch others along their path is their journey, not mine. I can also accept that this person isn't right for my path and move on.

Forgiveness is saved for those who seek it out, who truly work to find it. Who seek true amends.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Yes, this.

Acceptance is different than forgiveness.

It is what it is.

I can not change the outcome. I so wish that it were different but do not have the power to change it.

I accept.

Exactly! Thank you for sharing this article UofM. I had never seen it or heard of this approach and it's absolutely how I feel.

I have never been able to tolerate the idea of forgiving people who have done nothing to deserve it, and who continue to behave in ways that hurt others.

I know I'm pretty much a black and white thinker (and I'm okay with that)....but my reaction has always been "oh hell no." I totally get the idea of acceptance and making peace with what happened so that the injured party can move forward....but I do not support the free ride that total forgiveness gives to those who hurt and keep on hurting without remorse and change.

[Sun]

For me forgiveness is a vehicle to my own inner peace and happiness.

I want to share this meditation that I have found helpful:

Practicing Metta: Loving Kindness

If anyone has harmed me, intentionally, or unintentionally by word, thought or deed, may I forgive them.

If I have harmed anyone, intentionally or unintentionally, by word, thought or deed, may they forgive me.

If I have harmed myself, intentionally or unintentionally, by word, thought or deed, may I forgive myself.

[Gráinne]

Forgiveness for me is something I do for myself.

It's acknowledging that something shitty happened, that it was wrong, and then getting to a point of letting go of the anger and hurt.

When I was dealing with some things that had to be forgiven, I got alone out in a park somewhere and wrote a huge letter, nothing held back. I stayed out there all day. Then I tore it up and literally let it all go into the trashbin.

That doesn't mean that I forget, or that I allow myself to just be abused and forgive them anyway. I got to a point where I had to let go for my own inner health, but be smart enough and love myself enough not to allow them to do that to me again.

[DamonK]

Funny this is showing up today.

For me, forgiveness is a fantastic thing and a bitter thing.

I recently had to find a way to forgive a family member. Like the article UofM posted, the offender offered apologies, started making amends. This one amend allowed me to mostly forgive. Can I entirely? Right now, no. The wounds inflicted were too deep. Did it allow me to begin to move on and heal? Yes. Was trust broken? Somewhat. Not entirely.
Forgiveness... I find it to be necessary as part of life. It's not for the other person. That person has to work for it. I can choose to rise above the issue that caused the rift and drown, or find a way to forgive and rebuild the rift.

That is for serious situations.

Now, say my best friend and I have a squabble. Either she or I may ask for forgiveness of the other. It just shows, hey, we got this, we are just fine.

[Nat]

Yesterday I happened upon a podcast with a different interpretation of forgiveness than I'd heard before. It was on one of "Ariel's DCW Lectures" called "Dynamic Healing."

"I was raised Catholic, and I know that because of Adam and Eve, I am guilty. That's the way I was taught, and that's the way it's gonna be and the only way to get forgiveness is by groveling. And the only way to forgive another is by 2 ways - you can either - from a fundamentalist perspective - say, 'Well, you're bad, but I'm saved now, so I will forgive you,' and put yourself up there and them down here. Or you can say, 'Oh well, we're all rotten, miserable sinners, so it doesn't matter.' And so you're all down here.

But what real true forgiveness is, once you start following your heart and following that peaceful place every day - real true forgiveness is none of that. Real true forgiveness is being able to see past all that other stuff, to see right into the heart of who that other person really is - they aren't their past mistakes, they aren't their temper tantrum, they aren't their disease, the aren't their resume, they are not their body - they aren't any of those things. What they are is a child of the universe, a child of love.

And what you're here to do - the only purpose that you're here is to teach love to them. Not talk love to them. Not beat them over the head with your philosophy. Not lecture at them. But to love them. And it's a silent thing - they don't even have to know you're doing it... In fact, the work is much more potent to do this work internally and keep your mouth shut.
...
Being loving doesn't mean you're enabling people's behavior or that you let people treat you however they want to treat you - that's not being loving. If somebody is treating you in a way that is unloving, 'A Course in Miracles' would say they are calling out for love. They aren't being bad - they are being frightened. It will manifest in all kinds of hideous ways. Condemnation of them is not the answer, but it's also not the answer to enable that behavior. So, oftentimes, 'No,' is the loving response.
...
Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to have lunch with them. Just because you forgive an abusive parent doesn't mean you have to engage in a conversation with them necessarily."

Anyway, I thought I'd post it because I found it worth considering enough to write down. There are elements I like in what he said. I don't know that I accept all of it, but I do like the idea of looking past a person's mistakes and bad behavior and seeing them - if nothing else - as a person. Loving is another matter, which seems pretty broadly defined up there, though I like that he said that 'oftentimes 'no' is the loving response.' And I like that he said the work is often best done in silence. I guess every once in a while, a person may benefit from knowing you forgive them but I don't think that's the point of forgiveness.

[Miss Scarlett]

To me forgiveness brings inner peace and balance. It's not always easy and not always immediate but for me it is necessary and brings about personal growth. No matter what has happened I ask myself "What can I learn from this?" The answers can be surprising and/or upsetting but I prefer to find and embrace the positive in all things.

[Ms. Meander]

I have recently experienced forgiveness in a new way. Because I am a being of love and light who is in a process of empowerment and release, all sorts of things are being swept out of my dark corners.

My mother is still married to the man who abused me my entire childhood. She has never acknowledged the abuse, let alone apologized for any part of it. After more than a decade of not seeing her or speaking to her I decided to be open when she showed up in my life again last summer. Why? Because I love her. Because I know she loves me. Because I love myself well enough now that I can give us both the gift of compassion without it taking anything away from me to do it. I asked myself how can this be okay with me? And I realized that I have forgiven her everything that has gone before and I forgive her for still being a sad, lost soul. My expectations are minimal. I've changed myself in relation to this relationship. I am the strong, loving, wise one here.

Most certainly there is some sort of reckoning on the horizon, whether we come to it together or I go it alone. But I feel we have a chance at a meaningful exchange because I already forgive her and I come in the spirit of love and compassion. I could be disappointed or saddened, but I can not be injured by this situation anymore. It is the greatest gift I have ever given myself.