Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Went to another f2f meeting Monday night..
i got me an actual Sponsor and have committed to Monday night meetings every week, and have Monday evenings off which works out well.

For a long time i have had much anger over f2f meetings.. Walking into that building brought me much anxiety, and so now in finally accepting i can't do this alone i realize it's never been about the people in those meetings or the content - but it's been 'me' all along..

It's taken me a full year to fully accept that i am powerless over food and need help, & that i can't do this all on my own.. i have been stubborn in thinking i could, and continue to take my own steps, and continue to work on this and that but, i always , ALWAYS come back to where i started, because i can't climb over that hump that helps me move forward..

Frustrating, yes..
Disappointing, yes..
But, being completely honest here - it's the first time in my life i have felt some sort of understanding of what is going on with me.. It's very baffling, and these last 2 months have been a complete power struggle within myself and i've let go of my program somewhat and am now finding myself in a pickle where it would take me a mere moment to relapse if i'm not completely mindful each and every day..

So this is where i need to pick it up, dust myself off, find my priorities and get back to working hard & not just saying i'm going to..

Posting this post is holding myself accountable..

[sylvie]

Been awhile since i have posted in here, and it's for a reason.
A few months ago i started to lose motivation with my journey..
Working out less, not following my plan of eating diligently, and sadly i was continuously setting myself up a lot.

Over those few months, it got harder and harder to stay on track.
i felt like i was letting go.. And then a couple of weeks ago, it happened.
i broke my abstinence.

i really think it was necessary for that to happen. And the more i think about it, the happier i am that it happened. Sometimes hitting a rock bottom is what is needed to help us grow.. i needed some self acceptance.. i needed to admit to myself i truly 'was' powerless over food.. i was saying i was, but clearly wasn't registering that because i wasn't ever moving forward..

Frustrating, for a long while. But this week, something happened.
i had 4 days off, and i used every single one of those days to the best of my ability to physically change my recovery plan, one step at a time i broke everything down and was completely honest with myself and what i needed.

my Sponsor has been a huge help for me, along with someone else in OA that i've met.. The three of us plan a meet each week, and work the steps together outside of our face to face meeting on Monday nights. The fact i am accepting help now, admitting i cannot do this all on my own as i was doing and embracing my Spiritual guidance as well, are all big steps and knowledge that i am finally starting on the right and much needed path to recovery..

It's been a very difficult, low feeling few weeks especially.
But like usual, i find my way, find my strength and i pull myself up, dust myself off and i learn from my experiences, my thoughts and my inner boo boo's..

Progress, not perfection, right? One baby step at a time, for me.
So this passed week, i reworked my program, my abstinence list, my plan of eating.. i attended meetings, surrounded myself with the support of OA, meditated and sought guidance from my Higher Power and i now feel like i am in a much better place, and ready to keep working through the challenges bit by bit by very small bit..

i can't do this at anyone else's pace, except my own..
And i have plenty of time..

Been putting my progress on my facebook page..
As well as my YouTube channel, which i just started..
it's been very recovery focused for the first couple of videos..
But i have plans for sharing recipes, exercises and many different things that work for me for positivity & positive results.

♥ Hope you are all doing well, those who share & those who read and share with me in private.. love to you all! xx

[sylvie]

Quick update...
i've been embracing my Spiritual path and it's been such an emotional thing in this recovery journey for me. i have had much inner anger towards spirituality, and that's been much to do with my isolation, from everyone and everything for many, many years.

i have really had to take my time in exploring myself and what felt like a fit to me because it is important this comes from within and not any place else. It's something very tender and needed to be very gentle with myself and do some self-evaluating and really get to know that deep, inner struggle i've been fighting through for years within some more.

So having found a spiritual path that not only works for me, but feels like something i've embraced long, long ago.. It's much of who i am and how i've been walking for a very long time.. And it feels amazing to finally be working on not only emotional, mental and physical recovery, but now spiritual as well.

It's all coming together, and i feel myself strengthening and ready to work this as thoroughly as needed. i feel much peace within, mindful of everything around me and grateful, blessed and ready for the next step.

[aishah]

sylvie, it's so wonderful to read your journey here.

i've been struggling a lot the last few months and i started dbt therapy a couple of weeks ago which has been helping somewhat...i have someone to keep me accountable for eating and i'm learning more skills to help so i don't keep falling back down the rabbit hole. i also coordinated things between my therapist and my doctor so my doctor isn't constantly doing things to trigger me a lot. and i saw a nutritionist for the first time in a few years. (just briefly but it helped.)

i've definitely been feeling a bit raw and overemotional lately though. i hate the way things seem to go in circles for me when it comes to recovery. i get complacent and i forget how much i have to consciously be engaged in this process all the time and how much i need to protect my recovery practices, self-care, etc. i feel grateful that i have many more tools now than i used to, so when i am struggling it's easier to get back on track.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by aishah

sylvie, it's so wonderful to read your journey here.

i've been struggling a lot the last few months and i started dbt therapy a couple of weeks ago which has been helping somewhat...i have someone to keep me accountable for eating and i'm learning more skills to help so i don't keep falling back down the rabbit hole. i also coordinated things between my therapist and my doctor so my doctor isn't constantly doing things to trigger me a lot. and i saw a nutritionist for the first time in a few years. (just briefly but it helped.)

i've definitely been feeling a bit raw and overemotional lately though. i hate the way things seem to go in circles for me when it comes to recovery. i get complacent and i forget how much i have to consciously be engaged in this process all the time and how much i need to protect my recovery practices, self-care, etc. i feel grateful that i have many more tools now than i used to, so when i am struggling it's easier to get back on track.

Hi aishah!
Sounds like you have some really great tools in place for yourself which is a positive indeed.. i , too, do therapy (which reminds me i need to rebook for therapy soon), a nutritionist and of course frequent visits with my doctor.. Along with meetings and my sponsor, everything seems to be going well.. It really takes a combination of so many things to even start getting myself to a healthy mindset, so if i am consistent about doing each of those things plus using my daily tools, i've been rocking some pretty strong days. But i can so relate to going in circles, it's like my brain shuts off the part that keeps me mindful about my recovery and what i need to keep myself safe, healthy and focused.. i definitely lose sight of all of that if i am not using all of my tools and keeping my appointments, etc..

Sometimes i do find it quite easy to get back on track as well, but sometimes, i find it extremely difficult.. Depends on the day, the situation, etc.

i am SO grateful that i have really been strong these last few weeks..
i have to say this is the longest time of being this consistent with my recovery - and i've also come to realize that there will be days we fall, but what counts is that we am getting back up and at this every single time..

How fantastic is that? Hugs to you aishah! So thankful for your post today!