How to be a femme ally

Medusa · 05-14-2012, 10:51 AM

I'd like to see this thread come alive again. So many wonderful things said here and so many great examples of what it looks like to be an ally!

Talon · 05-14-2012, 11:29 AM

I came across this thread just now...and I love *any* type of female empowering threads. I think being supportive of one another is so vital to our well-being as femmes, and as women...and especially for the bond that exists between us.
This is precious, and needs to be appreciated more. I want *all* of my femme and female sisters to feel important, uplifted, appreciated, and needed within my world...even if I don't always understand where they're coming from or agree w/ their pov. It honestly doesn't matter to me, it's far more important that we are a strong alliance, because the bottom line is...we need to be. The world is not always a kind place, so if we can't extend kindness to one another..well, that's just a damn shame...and we will never succeed in the many battles we must face as a community.

imperfect_cupcake · 05-14-2012, 01:23 PM

I expect the same level of comradery from anyone, regardless of gender, sexuality or ID. I used to have butch friends who I could count on for blah and femme mates I would ask for yaddah.
But it's become so mashed... straight girlie girls, tomboy straights, yoga-esque hippy lez, butch-to-me non-ID, straight male army, baby dyke with a guitar, femme, femme daddy, butch, old school butch, post modern butch, performance artist pro-domme....

I just expect all of them to show me a certain level of care... which is individual to the person. some people can show it by sitting up all night with me talking, some show they care by helping me with my garden and loaning me money for groceries. Some show they care by seeing a text I could use for school in a flea market and buying it for me. Some by letting me take care of them. Many by getting very protective (aw. thanks guys. I appreciate it, even though I know quite well I can look after myself, the fierceness of your desire to stop anyone from hurting me is very sweet).

push me hard, give me advice, listen, offer to help, laugh with me, laugh *at* me when I'm a dick, make me laugh when I'm scared or angry or sad, treat me valuable, pile on the compliments, sleep with me when I haven't been laid for a while (ahem, those special kind of friends), take me out for an ice cream, let me look after you when you need love and care.

Quintease · 05-14-2012, 02:59 PM

How to be a femme ally?

Don't assume we fuck men.

Don't look surprised if we get offended if you assume we fuck men.

Try to look past the hair/nails/shoes/dress/frills/whatever and realise from the outset that while she may not have the ''look'' you expect, you may still be looking at a woman who is just as (or more*) lesbian than you.

If you're a fellow femme, don't ask her to lend you her clothes if you don't intend to give them back

*'more' is a judgement to be sure, but when you've had absolute certainty about your lesbianism for 15+ years and you may even be a gold star (I'm not) it's really offensive for some 20-something lesbian (or man) to assume you're about to run off with the first bio-guy who clicks his finger at you.

~ocean · 05-14-2012, 03:06 PM

I love my femme sisters ... I am never jealous of their beauty inner or outer . I always compliament them ..and appreciate their exsistance

i cam be friends w. all ages .. even tho i do like talking w. woman my own age. helps when u have to figure out some things ur going threw. ROCK ON Ladies

)

cara · 05-14-2012, 06:17 PM

I was just talking to one of my femme allies about this over the weekend!

I think some of the most important ways to be a femme ally have already been mentioned in this thread. To me, being a femme ally is also about being willing to do the work to form a bond or connection that is both healthy and sincere. A femme ally may not be your closest friend/s, but by very definition of the word, they *are* a friend. When push comes to shove, you know they'll have your back. If there is any doubt in my head about that, it's up to me to take the initial step to cultivate that ally-ship. And if the other person turns out to be a flake/user/butch's femme/whatever than it's important for me to recognize that, acknowledge it, and move on if needed.

Here are some real-life examples of how you can fuck up a femme ally-ship (yes, these things have all happened to me):

Withholding love/concern/friendship because you're not happy with me or a decision I've made
Going after my girlfriends (has happened twice by two different "best friends"!)
Talking negatively behind my back
Purposely leaving me out because I'm not ______ enough

And because I'm not perfect and know I've got my own work to do (Always!), here are some real-life examples of how I have fucked up some femme ally-ships.

Being afraid to bring up subjects that are difficult to talk about
Burying my head in the sand/refusing to take sides in an argument when deep down I know better and should be supporting my femme ally. (Note: This still doesn't mean I'm going to involve myself in your personal drama)
Gossiping
Being too stubborn to apologize when I realize I was in the wrong

To me, femme allies are just as important as my family, if not more so. Like everything important in life the more you put into an ally-ship, the stronger it will be.

cara

deedarino · 05-14-2012, 07:07 PM

This is a BEAUTIFUL thread!!!

Femme Ally:

Tells me; You DO look fat in those pants and don't ever put them on again...
Sticks up for my partner when I am bitching and reminds me how wonderful I think they are and how lucky I am to have them...
Worries about me when I am sad over a stupid mistake and texts stupid jokes trying to make me laugh
Giggling over "damn girl....she's/he's hot" with each others partner or potential partner, KNOWING there is never any way we would hurt each other over a butch.
Listens to the most boring details of my story, just because it is important to me...
Encourages my dreams no matter how many dreams have came and went...
Tells me when she knows someone is bad for me, even if she is afraid it will hurt me...especially then.

PS: I would do everyone of these things for her...I love my sisters.

05-14-2012, 10:51 AM	#1
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,686 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000025	I'd like to see this thread come alive again. So many wonderful things said here and so many great examples of what it looks like to be an ally! __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch

05-14-2012, 11:29 AM	#2
Talon Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Divine Feminine Preferred Pronoun?: . Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: . Posts: 4,921 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,246 Thanked 10,223 Times in 3,305 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Thank you for bumping this thread, Medusa. I came across this thread just now...and I love any type of female empowering threads. I think being supportive of one another is so vital to our well-being as femmes, and as women...and especially for the bond that exists between us. This is precious, and needs to be appreciated more. I want all of my femme and female sisters to feel important, uplifted, appreciated, and needed within my world...even if I don't always understand where they're coming from or agree w/ their pov. It honestly doesn't matter to me, it's far more important that we are a strong alliance, because the bottom line is...we need to be. The world is not always a kind place, so if we can't extend kindness to one another..well, that's just a damn shame...and we will never succeed in the many battles we must face as a community.

05-14-2012, 02:59 PM	#4
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,817 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10560327	How to be a femme ally? Don't assume we fuck men. Don't look surprised if we get offended if you assume we fuck men. Try to look past the hair/nails/shoes/dress/frills/whatever and realise from the outset that while she may not have the ''look'' you expect, you may still be looking at a woman who is just as (or more) lesbian than you.* If you're a fellow femme, don't ask her to lend you her clothes if you don't intend to give them back *'more' is a judgement to be sure, but when you've had absolute certainty about your lesbianism for 15+ years and you may even be a gold star (I'm not) it's really offensive for some 20-something lesbian (or man) to assume you're about to run off with the first bio-guy who clicks his finger at you. __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

05-14-2012, 06:17 PM	#6
cara Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer/lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Married to my love 08.15.15 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 3,401 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,995 Thanked 13,255 Times in 2,725 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I was just talking to one of my femme allies about this over the weekend! I think some of the most important ways to be a femme ally have already been mentioned in this thread. To me, being a femme ally is also about being willing to do the work to form a bond or connection that is both healthy and sincere. A femme ally may not be your closest friend/s, but by very definition of the word, they are a friend. When push comes to shove, you know they'll have your back. If there is any doubt in my head about that, it's up to me to take the initial step to cultivate that ally-ship. And if the other person turns out to be a flake/user/butch's femme/whatever than it's important for me to recognize that, acknowledge it, and move on if needed. Here are some real-life examples of how you can fuck up a femme ally-ship (yes, these things have all happened to me): Withholding love/concern/friendship because you're not happy with me or a decision I've made Going after my girlfriends (has happened twice by two different "best friends"!) Talking negatively behind my back Purposely leaving me out because I'm not ______ enough And because I'm not perfect and know I've got my own work to do (Always!), here are some real-life examples of how I have fucked up some femme ally-ships. Being afraid to bring up subjects that are difficult to talk about Burying my head in the sand/refusing to take sides in an argument when deep down I know better and should be supporting my femme ally. (Note: This still doesn't mean I'm going to involve myself in your personal drama) Gossiping Being too stubborn to apologize when I realize I was in the wrong To me, femme allies are just as important as my family, if not more so. Like everything important in life the more you put into an ally-ship, the stronger it will be. cara __________________ "The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." ~Wade Davis

05-14-2012, 07:07 PM	#7
deedarino Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Woman Relationship Status: In recovery. Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Oregon Posts: 632 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,518 Thanked 1,955 Times in 496 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	This is a BEAUTIFUL thread!!! Femme Ally: Tells me; You DO look fat in those pants and don't ever put them on again... Sticks up for my partner when I am bitching and reminds me how wonderful I think they are and how lucky I am to have them... Worries about me when I am sad over a stupid mistake and texts stupid jokes trying to make me laugh Giggling over "damn girl....she's/he's hot" with each others partner or potential partner, KNOWING there is never any way we would hurt each other over a butch. Listens to the most boring details of my story, just because it is important to me... Encourages my dreams no matter how many dreams have came and went... Tells me when she knows someone is bad for me, even if she is afraid it will hurt me...especially then. PS: I would do everyone of these things for her...I love my sisters. __________________ Squint your eyes and look closer. I'm not between you and your ambitions. I am a poster girl with no poster. I am thirty-two flavors and then some. And I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head~Ani I want to think again of dangerous and noble things; I want to be light and frolicsome; I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing as if I had wings Mary Oliver

05-14-2012, 01:23 PM	#3
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I expect the same level of comradery from anyone, regardless of gender, sexuality or ID. I used to have butch friends who I could count on for blah and femme mates I would ask for yaddah. But it's become so mashed... straight girlie girls, tomboy straights, yoga-esque hippy lez, butch-to-me non-ID, straight male army, baby dyke with a guitar, femme, femme daddy, butch, old school butch, post modern butch, performance artist pro-domme.... I just expect all of them to show me a certain level of care... which is individual to the person. some people can show it by sitting up all night with me talking, some show they care by helping me with my garden and loaning me money for groceries. Some show they care by seeing a text I could use for school in a flea market and buying it for me. Some by letting me take care of them. Many by getting very protective (aw. thanks guys. I appreciate it, even though I know quite well I can look after myself, the fierceness of your desire to stop anyone from hurting me is very sweet). push me hard, give me advice, listen, offer to help, laugh with me, laugh at me when I'm a dick, make me laugh when I'm scared or angry or sad, treat me valuable, pile on the compliments, sleep with me when I haven't been laid for a while (ahem, those special kind of friends), take me out for an ice cream, let me look after you when you need love and care.

05-14-2012, 03:06 PM	#5
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,018 Times in 4,724 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I love my femme sisters ... I am never jealous of their beauty inner or outer . I always compliament them ..and appreciate their exsistance i cam be friends w. all ages .. even tho i do like talking w. woman my own age. helps when u have to figure out some things ur going threw. ROCK ON Ladies )