Your relationship with your mom.

[Wolfsong]

My mom is really sick. It isn't going to get better and this is only the beginning. I am afraid and angry and not ready for this at all. We are not done yet, she and I, but I don't think any amount of time will be enough. I don't think I will ever be enough.

I lost my temper with her the other day and I am ashamed about it. I know she isn't quite herself. Those buttons when pushed just hurt so damn much. I don't know why I'm telling any of you this stuff. I'm not the kind to put my personal shit out there for attention. This isn't happening to me, but to her. I feel so small.

[rustedrims]

My relationship has changed with mom..
I told her a while ago to stop hugging me..It felt uncomfortable..It hurt her feelings..I feel bad for that but i cant do it now..

She didnt stick up for me..
Things got distorted more than i can ever imagine in my life time..


snowballed..


s..

[skeeter_01]

my mom and i have a wierd but wonderful relationship...when i was a teenager she was VERY abusive...and i was her favorite target...

thousands of dollars of therapy later...i have gotten to the place where i have forgiven her...

right now...we have the best realtionship we've ever had...it's NO WHERE near perfect but it's good!...

i just have to say though...as far as unconditional love...that was my gramma...God i miss her!!

[stonewalldog]

I would describe my mom as a land mine. You never know when you stepped wrong and she would go off. But things have been good because I live 1500 miles away. Until recently, I would have said that we had a good relationship.
The key phrase "until recently".

So. I have been out for decades now. My wife and I had a commitment ceremony a long time ago. (I remember the event but not the year!) We got legally married in 2008 during the short window it was legal in California. I don't think about being gay or butch or any of that stuff anymore. Deborah and I hardly have any gay or lesbian friends, male or female, probably because our hobbies aren't that gay conducive. I hunt and fish in California where, in my experience, there is a prevalence of vegen and vegetarian lesbians. Deborah's hobby is competitive Dressage. In our daily lives, lesbian issues don't really come up.

Back to my mother. Deborah is an attorney. She does some legal work for a friend of ours mother who, in lieu of payment, offers us her condo on Catalina Island for a week. We decide to go on the week on my Birthday last February. My mom has been widowed a couple years now so we thought it would be fun for her to come to visit that part of California with us. Deborah has a gay nephew named Ramon in Southern California that we hardly see, so, he and his boyfriend, Shey, were invited as well.

I haven't spent much time with Ramon and Shey. I found them to be delightful, easy going young men. Shey has a big personality. He is very flamboyant and all the flaming queen adjectives. I just adore him.

So, back to my mother. After we leave the island and the first time my mother is alone with me, she starts putting down Shey. Saying that he is "just acting out" and "being a stereo type". She said he made her comfortable. Now, the first time she said these negative things, I just let it go. I probably said something like "if he is happy, who is he harming" so some such thing. Then a couple days later, after we had been back at my home, she brings it up again. This time she says that "if that is what Ramon wants in a partner then he should just get a woman".

I went off. I told her that her attitude is wrong. I don't know but suspect, that Deborah's relatives say the same about me. Why didn't Deborah just get a man! My mom flinched at that or maybe my anger. I don't know which. But I have taken this very personally. I have gone from talking to her everyday since my father's illness and subsequent death to calling maybe once a week.

Am I wrong to still be pissed? Am I wrong to think that she doesn't see Me? I am not the kind of person who holds a grudge but I am having a hard time forgiving my mom over this.

[SimpleAlaskanBoy]

I can't say my mom is the best mom in the world, she's made mistakes, and she doesn't always understand the trans thing. But every thing good in my life I got from her. I know she fought for me from minute one and I know without a doubt that although she may not always understand me she loves me and is proud of me and wants me to be happy.
~SAB

[Wolfsong]

Originally Posted by stonewalldog

... But I have taken this very personally. I have gone from talking to her everyday since my father's illness and subsequent death to calling maybe once a week.

Am I wrong to still be pissed? Am I wrong to think that she doesn't see Me? I am not the kind of person who holds a grudge but I am having a hard time forgiving my mom over this.

SWD -

I don't know your mom or the intricacies of your relationships over the years so I can't say for certain. What I can tell you is that my mom is somewhat the same here in action. I found out in the last month that most of my family knows that I am gay. This is a very freeing revelation for me.

It was always kind of the thing that everyone knew but nobody talked about because I never talked about it. I never talked about it because once a long time ago, my dad and I were talking in private and he said, "I've come to some understandings and acceptance of certain things in life and I don't need to talk about them." I've just kind of always known that was him telling me he knew and didn't want to talk about it.

Mom is completely different. Just when I think she's ok with things she says something that comes rolling in like a rouge wave crashing over the deck and I'm like "WTF just happened?" Most recently she pissed me off, over all things, Glee. Mom likes musicals so I thought this would be a cool show for her to catch. (It never occured to me that it might be "too gay" for her.) When I suggested she watch it she said, "I don't like that show." I was surprised at her adamance, particularly towards a show she had never seen before. I asked her why. She said, "That gay lady is on there." (meaning Jane Lynch) Surprised again, I said, "So? How do you know she's gay anyway?" (playing dumb) Mom replied; "She said so. I don't want to watch it, I don't like gay people."

It was like a knife through my heart for a second....one step forward and three back.....but I didn't say anything to her. I sort of had the feeling that she didn't mean me or even Andi. She meant that she didn't like other gay people. Somehow she has managed to cope with me by separating me from others. Listen, if we were younger and mom wasn't sick I'd probably have made something of it......but I know that time is not on our side. I can't let myself waste a single moment with her because she does not see things in the same way that I do. What is important right now is my relationship with her. I do understand her. It isn't enough for us for her to be the only one doing the accepting.....some of that needs to be on my part too.

Your mom sees you. I'm pretty sure of that.

[arcstriker]

My dad died in July of 2008 from a year long battle with brain cancer. When LL and I met with the Lutheran Minister who did my dads memorial service he said to us. " I am going to make your mother my lifes work to help her not to see your relationship as evil". LL and I both laughed and wished him well with that venture.

I'm convince that Dad was the glue that held our family together he knew how to get us all to table in harmony.

My mother has taken my dads death very hard and she has become increasely more difficult to speak with.

In 2010 my newphew found my mother frozen in a snow drift dressed in her nightgown. Her body temperature was 86 degrees. She was rushed to the hospital. After a week in the hospital she was discharged to a nursing home for rehabilitation. She was confused and down right nasty to everyone except for my nephew. After three weeks in the nursing home they were going to discharge her home. I didn't think that was a wise move because she could hardly walk, care for herself independantly plus she was downright nutty!

I set her up in a very nice Assisted Living establishment under respite care. They made sure she ate well, she was clean and well dressed. She was forced to be social. After 5 months she and my nephew decided that she was well enough to return to her home.

Today she still says some mean things about us but not to our faces. She says mean things about my brother and his wife, but not to their faces.

Those words cut to our very core. I think she has lost her filters but then again I wonder. I remember when I was 38 years old and mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!". I was so hopping mad I refused to call or speak with her. My dad called me to see what the hec was up so I told him what she had said to me. My dad was shocked, and got us back talking again. It took sometime to get over it, but I never forgot it.

Its okay, I am proud of my life, I am proud of my family, and I so very proud of LL and girls. In the end, its my thoughts about my life and my love, and my daughters are all that matter.

I still try very hard to speak with my mom once a week, and its a struggle.

[Wolfsong]

Originally Posted by arcstriker

...mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!".

Hey Arc,

Long time. It's good to see you again. That had to be really hard for you to hear and I am sorry that happened to you. Sometimes I think my mom feels like a failure as a mother (my youngest brother's continued struggle with assholism guarantees him a spot, usually, second on her shit list just a short breath from my sister-in-law who magnificently maintains the top position....in this case I don't mind sharing 3rd with my other brother). I think maybe it's harder for her generation. I know it was harder for her.

There were specific expectations for women in those days (late 50s and early 60s) that were more difficult than I would have ever been able to live up to. I can't really imagine how difficult it was for her to see her only daughter change from a cute little girl in pigtails to........well.....me. People in the neighborhood, old fashioned, watching, judging not just me but her. Her success or failure as a woman and a mother. I remember her always correcting my boyish mannerisms, dressing me the way she thought I wanted me to dress, my hairstyle the way she thought I wanted it. Preparing me to be the woman she thought I'd want to be. There was the disconnect. It wasn't what I wanted, it was what she wanted me to want.

....and oh how I rebelled.

I wasn't that good a kid. I got into trouble in high school, grades slipped from A's wayyyyyy down to where I might have blown my ride to college (I never found out because I enlisted in the Army and went to college later)...just about the same time I realized that I wanted to kiss girls. Oh I didn't do drugs (I was too afraid of my father) or get into trouble with the law or anything like that. At 15 I had my first girlfriend. We went on the lam a couple of times because our parents didn't want us to hang around together. I snuck out at night, went places I wasn't supposed to go, lied to them about where I went and with who......stuff like that. A real Dopeo and Juliet story!

I want to be clear about that because I don't want anyone to think my mother this evil person who tried to make a girl out of her daughter. I earned some of what I get. I know mom loves me. She shows me that in a million different ways. Sometimes, it isn't the way I need her to. The dots don't connect for her when it comes to me. Alot of it has to do with the things that happened to her as a kid.

My own understanding is that I pay a price for living my life my own way. I also understand that my actions and decisions reflect on the people in my family in the same way it would if I won the Nobel Peace Prize or became a serial killer. I love and respect my family. I just wish sometimes it was a little easier to make everything nice and neat for all of us.

[Mrs Arcstriker]

Originally Posted by arcstriker

My dad died in July of 2008 from a year long battle with brain cancer. When LL and I met with the Lutheran Minister who did my dads memorial service he said to us. " I am going to make your mother my lifes work to help her not to see your relationship as evil". LL and I both laughed and wished him well with that venture.

I'm convince that Dad was the glue that held our family together he knew how to get us all to table in harmony.

My mother has taken my dads death very hard and she has become increasely more difficult to speak with.

In 2010 my newphew found my mother frozen in a snow drift dressed in her nightgown. Her body temperature was 86 degrees. She was rushed to the hospital. After a week in the hospital she was discharged to a nursing home for rehabilitation. She was confused and down right nasty to everyone except for my nephew. After three weeks in the nursing home they were going to discharge her home. I didn't think that was a wise move because she could hardly walk, care for herself independantly plus she was downright nutty!

I set her up in a very nice Assisted Living establishment under respite care. They made sure she ate well, she was clean and well dressed. She was forced to be social. After 5 months she and my nephew decided that she was well enough to return to her home.

Today she still says some mean things about us but not to our faces. She says mean things about my brother and his wife, but not to their faces.

Those words cut to our very core. I think she has lost her filters but then again I wonder. I remember when I was 38 years old and mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!". I was so hopping mad I refused to call or speak with her. My dad called me to see what the hec was up so I told him what she had said to me. My dad was shocked, and got us back talking again. It took sometime to get over it, but I never forgot it.

Its okay, I am proud of my life, I am proud of my family, and I so very proud of LL and girls. In the end, its my thoughts about my life and my love, and my daughters are all that matter.

I still try very hard to speak with my mom once a week, and its a struggle.

She made you...Though she calls me "your Situation" and I am far older than that Jersey Shore guy...She is who she is. She came to this country and learned a new language, worked as a nurse (A REGISTERED NURSE!) and shaped who you are as a person in the world. She IS your mother, and to that end she is a HUGE part of you. She drives me NUTTY as hell most days, but she still managed to mark our wedding day with the largest flower arrangement I have ever seen.

And she loved your father, and was lost without him. We were both lost without him for a while...Not you nor she can help that she came at an early age from across a huge pond when the US and Europe were both so fragile in their relationship. I kinda got the same thing from my own immigrant father who was hoping I would be quiet about who I am...and of course now he adores you.

Time changes all, and in some sort of trite sentiment time also heals all wounds...Be patient. I will wait for Godot. I've got nothing but time and time moves quickly when I tick it away with you.