PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by DMW

that smiley face on my previous post was supposed to go next to the note about the kitties. i wasn't smiling when i posted. that is for sure.

Apocolipstic...sounds like good advice... avoid the people and places and things that trigger the ptsd. thank you for that suggestion.

It sucks but not as bad as loosing my shit.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

It sucks but not as bad as loosing my shit.

what sucks? avoiding the people,places and things...in order not to lose your shit?


or losing your shit and the animals?



cause i lost most of my shit and my shit and my kitties...so, i think it all sucks all around.


i am confused....but, i bet you mean losing your handle or grasp in the crappy situations...yeah, it is hard. i think just recognizing i am having
physical reactions to trauma and drama and need help is a start.

i mean, this i real shit here. i don't think you can fake it and i sure as hell
have a hard time ignoring it or pretending its not happening. it is as though,
i have lost the ability to be calm sometimes. i don't like that. too many stress hormones or my command center is worn out and it is...ground control to major tom...houston...we have a problem.



i love that... "ground control to major tom"... "your circuits dead. there's something wrong. can you hear me major tom? can you hear me major tom"
never thought i would feel that way when i heard the song before. even in concert.
never would have imagined it...but, i do. so, what now ground control.?what now?
can i get a circuit fix? and a fried nerves fixed? and feel 20 years younger...heheheheh

seriously,
I don't know how some of the people on here survived it for so many years.
I feel for them, because i think it takes a toll on a person.
All my respect.

hang in there...those who are struggling to breathe

[Apocalipstic]

Sorry, I should have been more clear.

By loosing my shit, I mean melting down, or yes loosing my grasp and my handle on things. I have to be able to function.

I have to be very very careful because my body reacts violently to things I think I can handle just fine...but can't and maybe never will.

Loosing things and money is hard, but its just things. Loosing kitties is heartbreaking. I think of them still with me in my mind. When I was little I had imaginary kitties that went everywhere with me, even though my parents hated cats and my father killed kittens. I left my invisible ones on a helicopter in NY and never found them again. I looked and looked. I am still somehow so sad about it.

I don't think any of us are faking, no matter when people think. No matter if they tell me I am using my past as an excuse. I try not to be angry when someone says something like that and just be glad they really don't know how PTSD is and hope they never ever know.

I think my body can't handle bursts of adrenaline any more. Fear, anger, even though I take medication, if I get upset my body reacts. Even on anniversary dates of great stresses, my body knows even if my brain has forgotten.

Things that help for me? Walks, acupuncture, reading, Oprah's life lessons on her new channel OWN, Course in Miracles, candles, prayer, music, dancing, writing, getting plenty of rest even if I can't actually sleep.


I very much relate to Major Tom and also to The Wall (Pink Floyd). Sometimes I am so close, I can't listen to them.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in love, breathe out fear.

[Apocalipstic]

If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet.
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice

[Girl Friday]

I'm just stopping by to say thank you to everyone for being so honest and so open about their experiences. Thank you also for reminding me that everyone has a breaking point and sometimes the breaking point can rob a person of their sanity.

When I was younger and having a moment when I was spiraling downward, my dad used to tell me to come home for a visit. He called it "finding north". At about 3:30 yesterday morning I realized that a recent and significant loss in my personal life equates to the loss of my compass. In short, I'm not sure where north is anymore. So...I'm going to go hang out with that concept and hope that things change. It can't fix what went wrong, but it will prevent further harm.

Take care everyone. Don't forget to breathe.

[yotlyolqualli]

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until two years ago. There are so many things that I've been through, some of my own doing, that sometimes it amazes me that I can crawl out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not going into great detail here, I'd rather not relive the details.

Molested at age 5, neighbor boy.
Molested at age 7, brother (I have to say here, that what happened with my brother, would probably have not even registered, if not for the previous abuse)
Molested at age 9, female cousin
Molested at age 10, elementery school janitor.


The first happened in the dark basement of an abandoned house, our old house. Daddy had built us a new one.
Home no longer felt safe for me. I became terrified of the dark.

The second happened in our new home.
No where felt safe to me, except my woods.

The third happened in my woods.
I was devastated.

The fourth took place over a two week period in the basement of my elementery school.
I had no where to go. He had his daughter call my house and ask for me, then he would get on the phone and just breathe. He was a very heavy man, bald, smelly.
I became perpetually terrified that he would kill my parents and siblings and take me away. A threat he made often.

Of all the incidents, I recall each one in vivid detail. Except, I never remembered what happened in that school basement. I remember him meeting me at the top of the stairs, touching my ass as we walked down those stairs. This happened every day for two weeks. My next clear memory, on each day, was walking up the driveway, crying. My mother, after two weeks, threatened to spank me if I didn't tell her what was wrong. I did. It stopped.


As an adult, I have been raped, by a woman. I have been whipped, beaten, kicked, bitten, burned, punched, flailed and chained.

There are triggers, that can send me into panic mode. The scent of an overweight man. The sound of his breathing. Being approached by someone from behind. Darkness. Basements. The scent of a cigarette. I never know what will trigger me, but the reaction is always the same.

A sick, twisted, vulnerable, churning of my stomach, a need to self harm, a need to rid myself of that memory, that feeling.

Tonight, in the chat room, I was triggered. Nothing happend that was bad, or wrong. Nothing was said that could possibly be thought of as sick or twisted. But just the same. I felt a need to scream, to cut my skin so that the crawling bugs sensation on it would stop. A nausea, and a NEED to scream out NO! Stop!

I hate being triggered. Something else was triggered as well.

In my last relationship, because my partner was not yet ready to "settle down", I was not permitted to openly show a sexual/or even intellectual interest in her, in or on any public forum. Once, I misposted on her myspace, and her reaction was over the top. She screamed at me, ranted at me, made me apologize to her "toy" (her word) of the day who was so hurt by my comment. Made me go delete the comment from her myspace. The relationship was IRL and she made me feel like nothing, over an online comment.

Tonight, I posted something that was meant to be private, on someone's visitor board. When I realized I did it, I started crying. I immediately tried to do "damage" control. I worried and was, quite literally, a basket case.

Until I realized what I was doing, and why. While the post was definitely not supposed to be seen by anyone but the person I posted too, it was not something that would cause an uproar.

I was allowing my past, to project my ex's abusive behavior, onto someone else. Not fair to her, or me. I am still sitting here, nauseous, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've been "triggered."

Anyone else out there, that deals with this kind of thing? Most of my triggers have been physical... scent, darkness, sound... but this was purely psychological.

If not for my faith and belief in God, I would have long since gone off the deep end.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lissa

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until two years ago. There are so many things that I've been through, some of my own doing, that sometimes it amazes me that I can crawl out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not going into great detail here, I'd rather not relive the details.

Molested at age 5, neighbor boy.
Molested at age 7, brother (I have to say here, that what happened with my brother, would probably have not even registered, if not for the previous abuse)
Molested at age 9, female cousin
Molested at age 10, elementary school janitor.


The first happened in the dark basement of an abandoned house, our old house. Daddy had built us a new one.
Home no longer felt safe for me. I became terrified of the dark.

The second happened in our new home.
No where felt safe to me, except my woods.

The third happened in my woods.
I was devastated.

The fourth took place over a two week period in the basement of my elementary school.
I had no where to go. He had his daughter call my house and ask for me, then he would get on the phone and just breathe. He was a very heavy man, bald, smelly.
I became perpetually terrified that he would kill my parents and siblings and take me away. A threat he made often.

Of all the incidents, I recall each one in vivid detail. Except, I never remembered what happened in that school basement. I remember him meeting me at the top of the stairs, touching my ass as we walked down those stairs. This happened every day for two weeks. My next clear memory, on each day, was walking up the driveway, crying. My mother, after two weeks, threatened to spank me if I didn't tell her what was wrong. I did. It stopped.


As an adult, I have been raped, by a woman. I have been whipped, beaten, kicked, bitten, burned, punched, flailed and chained.

There are triggers, that can send me into panic mode. The scent of an overweight man. The sound of his breathing. Being approached by someone from behind. Darkness. Basements. The scent of a cigarette. I never know what will trigger me, but the reaction is always the same.

A sick, twisted, vulnerable, churning of my stomach, a need to self harm, a need to rid myself of that memory, that feeling.

Tonight, in the chat room, I was triggered. Nothing happend that was bad, or wrong. Nothing was said that could possibly be thought of as sick or twisted. But just the same. I felt a need to scream, to cut my skin so that the crawling bugs sensation on it would stop. A nausea, and a NEED to scream out NO! Stop!

I hate being triggered. Something else was triggered as well.

In my last relationship, because my partner was not yet ready to "settle down", I was not permitted to openly show a sexual/or even intellectual interest in her, in or on any public forum. Once, I misposted on her myspace, and her reaction was over the top. She screamed at me, ranted at me, made me apologize to her "toy" (her word) of the day who was so hurt by my comment. Made me go delete the comment from her myspace. The relationship was IRL and she made me feel like nothing, over an online comment.

Tonight, I posted something that was meant to be private, on someone's visitor board. When I realized I did it, I started crying. I immediately tried to do "damage" control. I worried and was, quite literally, a basket case.

Until I realized what I was doing, and why. While the post was definitely not supposed to be seen by anyone but the person I posted too, it was not something that would cause an uproar.

I was allowing my past, to project my ex's abusive behavior, onto someone else. Not fair to her, or me. I am still sitting here, nauseous, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've been "triggered."

Anyone else out there, that deals with this kind of thing? Most of my triggers have been physical... scent, darkness, sound... but this was purely psychological.

If not for my faith and belief in God, I would have long since gone off the deep end.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lissa

Sorry it has taken me so long to post back. I have been and am very very anxious.

I totally get the trigger thing. It can indeed happen when we least expect it. A smell, a song a word and I am undone.

I hate the nausea I feel when I am upset..the burning in my head and ears. How sound pulsates in my head. How I have stims that irritate people I am around.

I have a lot of psychological triggers. Some so bad I hit my head for them to stop. I am learning to set boundaries and just do what I can....if I post something wrong or say the wrong thing I am learning to just let it go and mostly I can...but sometimes out of the blue I just freak and I am a scared little girl again.

Like you, I think the details are not the important thing. How we get through our lives is what matters.

Today I am so anxious, triggered by someone wanting to fix me up with their friend. I don't want to go out with someone I don't know, especially with expectation of sex. HUGE trigger. My brain is on fire. I hate this. I want to be the me people see. Fun and bright and free of the past and pain and the desire to chop myself into little pieces.

Peace to you Lissa!