Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[froggy674u]

Jet I couldn't have said it better myself. I have never felt like a lesbian.I hate when my mother tells people I am one.I perfectly happy wearing my binder,and dont feel the need for top surgery.I do feel the need for T tho so the outside can match the inside,and for my own personal happiness.I have always dressed in mens clothing.I own nothing that resembles anything like a woman.I finally have my parents calling me Kel insted of my full name which is androgynous anyways.I just want to look like my dad.I already act like him which is a good thing.Hes taught me everything I know about life.My parents are happily married now for 50 yrs.Thats all I want from life as well.Is that to much to ask for?

[alexri]

I really appreciate this thread. I have always known I was different. As a child, I used to sneak downstairs after dark, light candles in the garage, make an altar, and pray to god that I be turned into a boy. I would fantasize about sex but the "man" always had no head. Later I realized it was me. Coming out as a lesbian was part of the process but it took me years later to understand I'm really a trans/thirdgender person. I didn't know about this stuff growing up (diehard catholic family) and even now the trans part of my life is still not revealed to all because so many just don't understand it.

My spirit is male. My personality, my attitude, my inner essence, it's all male. I was a tomboy that played with trucks and legos. I was always the dad when we played house. I've been buying and wearing men's clothes for 20 years. It's always been there. I just never had a word for it. And now that I embrace it more, it flows more freely from me. It's always been natural, comfortable, right.

But I am in a female body. I find comfort from the personal believe that transgenderism happens through reincarnation. It's my belief that our gender is part of that inner spirit that also contains our thoughts, personalities, talents, intelligence, etc., and as it travels from life to life, sometimes it changes and becomes more fluid, and sometimes it reinforces or strengthens the maleness/femaleness. And sometimes that dominantly male spirit drops into a female physical body. For some people it's such an uncomfortable experience that they have to change; for others it's bearable.

I don't want to physically transition because I don't want to altar the person I am physically. I don't want to risk what hormones can do to my personal health. I do not want to risk the loss of sexual function by changing or removing organs/breasts. I enjoy when a female partner pleasures my body, even though they are female organs, because I know it feels good. And the picture in my mind of what is happening may be very different from what is really happening (ex in my mind during oral, I may be fantasizing that I am getting a blow job). There are times where I am frustrated that I cannot be as muscular as I'd like to be, and that I have womanly curves, and I will forever be in sports bras, which compress the breasts pretty well. People will say that this makes me not really trans and instead just butch. But when I slap on those jeans and dockers, button down my shirt, run a comb through my short, wet hair, and hold a door open for a lady, I know who I am.

[Nadeest]

Everyone makes their own choices, based on what they feel is right for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your choice, and don't let anyone tell you differently.

The theory of yours about transgenderism happening through reincarnation is very interesting, and rather plausible. There is no way of proving it right now, but it does seems to explain a lot of things, to my mind.

[Nadeest]

I realize that this column is about FTM's, but let us not forget about the MTF's that are in the same boat. I'm afraid that they generally have a lot less freedom to be their trueselves then FTM's that do not or cannot transition.

[DapperButch]

[QUOTE=Nadeest;616860]I realize that this column is about FTM's, but let us not forget about the MTF's that are in the same boat. I'm afraid that they generally have a lot less freedom to be their trueselves then FTM's that do not or cannot transition. [/QUOTE]

I absolutely agree with you and have thought about this time and time again. I know I am a lucky biological female in that I can pass and that female masculinity is more accepted than male femininity in our society.

[Nadeest]

I've had friends(mtfs) that were in that boat.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

It has taken me almost four months to type the word transgender into the BFP search and find my way here. My very first post in the listening to you thread stated I was hiding even in a community where I did not think I needed to. You know though I felt I do need to hide from the lesbian community. Whether they are butch, femme, dyke, FTM, or any other label on the spectrum of homosexuality. Hell sometimes I still hide from myself out of fear of so many things. Well I made some major decisions today that I have been thinking about for a long time now. So, here I am fulfilling the need and respecting the decision to be truly honest with the BFP community but more so to go back to being honest with myself. I am not a butch on any spectrum have not been for many years now however, I am not a FTM either I have known that for almost as long. I am a transgendered man or as I am discovering the new word is gender queer. I hid here for the same reason I have hid in real life it is real lonely being a trans not fitting into either the butch/femme community or the FTM/MTF community.
I never "came out" of the closet because I was never in one in my mind after all I was not a "lesbian". I was just in the wrong body in my mind so it was perfectly natural for me to be attracted to girls and women when I was a kid. I was always a "tomboy" growing up. I just recalled my 10th Christmas when I received this little wallet that was supposed to go into a play purse and how I just took it and instinctively put it into my back pocket...boy the crap I caught for that lol...but that is just how natural it was for me back then. I hated my birth name it was just wrong. Yet I could not get and still cannot get my bio-family to call me anything but that curse of a name. I am Alix I have always been Alix in my heart, mind, body and soul.
My journey from butch to transgendered was a rough and rocky one. Mainly due to lack of support and information available. Anyway part of that journey included exploring whether I was really a FTM and I finally came to the decision I was not but only because I do not want the surgery. I do not feel I have to change my body to be the man I am. I do not see breast when I look at myself and IF the woman touches me in that area I limit it to the nipple area because hey I know bio men that enjoy that stimulation so I do not find it strange that as a man I do. I have had relationships with women that failed because I refused to be true to myself. However the successful ones I have has happened when I did present as a man. However I have only had that success with bisexual women or women that id as straight but don’t want bio men. I have not had the honor of meeting a woman that id as a femme that wanted to be with me as a gender queer but it could happen. I think that is why I return to the hiding mode so easily. The butch/femme community for me locally is pretty nonexistent never mind the danger of being transgendered here. The sad thing is I do not live in a small rural community either.
Well I am getting close to my number count max and not sure I really said what I wanted to say. So I will end with I am glad I found this thread because sometimes it is hard to be a transgendered man that does not want the surgery. Hi everyone I am a 45 year old transgendered man and it feels good to finally say that on this site.