Forgiveness

JustJo · 08-10-2012, 08:05 AM

Okay, so this may sound a little weird....but I don't believe in forgiveness. Not out of a "hanging onto anger" place, but just that I don't feel it's up to me. For me, saying "I forgive you" also implies, in a small way, that I have judged you and found you wanting.

When I have been hurt, I do my best to understand....understand what happened, understand my part in it, understand the other's part in it....and hopefully learn some lessons.

Then, I stick it all in a mental/emotional box, tie a ribbon around it, and stick it in a deep, dark closet in my head. It's still there....and I can revisit it if I must, or if I choose to.

Having said that....I grew up around angry, narcissistic, bullying people....and I never....ever....forget.

spritzerJ · 08-10-2012, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo

Okay, so this may sound a little weird....but I don't believe in forgiveness. Not out of a "hanging onto anger" place, but just that I don't feel it's up to me. For me, saying "I forgive you" also implies, in a small way, that I have judged you and found you wanting.

When I have been hurt, I do my best to understand....understand what happened, understand my part in it, understand the other's part in it....and hopefully learn some lessons.

Then, I stick it all in a mental/emotional box, tie a ribbon around it, and stick it in a deep, dark closet in my head. It's still there....and I can revisit it if I must, or if I choose to.

Having said that....I grew up around angry, narcissistic, bullying people....and I never....ever....forget.

I don't forget either.
Forgiveness includes letting go of responsibility to fix it for others and myself. I made a mistake, acted badly, hurt someone. I repair and acknowledge what I can and can't fix.

KayCee · 08-10-2012, 08:36 AM

If something happened or was said that was really really hurtful that would need forgiveness but I can't ever forget, not even over time, no matter how much I try, then for me there is no forgiveness either.

Miss Scarlett · 08-10-2012, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KayCee

If something happened or was said that was really really hurtful that would need forgiveness but I can't ever forget, not even over time, no matter how much I try, then for me there is no forgiveness either.

i totally understand...i've had some seriously nasty, unfair, false and/or unjustified things said or done to me over my lifetime...just because i've forgiven does not erase the memory of what happened and forgiveness is not automatic or immediate for me...it takes time.

There is no right or wrong way, everyone must take their own path and do what is best or what works for them.

spritzerJ · 08-10-2012, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KayCee

If something happened or was said that was really really hurtful that would need forgiveness but I can't ever forget, not even over time, no matter how much I try, then for me there is no forgiveness either.

I no longer feel that forgetting and forgiveness need to go hand in hand. If I don't forget it means I learned from the situation or what was said.

Forgiveness comes when I can feel I've learned and the "hold" on me lessons. It (the event, what was said, etc.) becomes a memory, a moment in time, a touchstone a reminder of the lesson. Forgiveness is faith, trust that I've learned, let go of ill for myself or others, and moved on.

If I can't forgive I can't move on. And I really want to continue my journey.

Blade · 08-10-2012, 05:35 PM

Sometime forgiveness is about understanding. Perhaps understanding why you or someone else behaved/responded a certain way or didn't. Perhaps understanding that it just is what it is. I am suprised when I hear folks say they don't forgive. I wonder how they move forward. You can't just ignore or remove yourself from every situation or person in life who has wronged you. I guess in the same token you can't forgive everyone who has wronged you either.

I have to forgive or it eats me alive inside. This doesn't mean I'm satisfied with whatever the situation was. It just means that I have dealt with it on my end and I've come to an understanding of why I feel/felt the way I did in a given situation. As a person who believes in God, I feel it is my duty to find a way to forgive. If my God can forgive me when I fall short of His expectations, what makes me above that, that I wouldn't/shouldn't forgive. Especially when someone falls short of my expectations. That's on me isn't it. You can't set the bar of expectations at the same level for everyone. You lower that bar for some and don't expect as much out of them. Usually because you accept them like they are...flawed...you forgive their flaws.

I'm sure I've said oh I'll never forgive so and so for this or that. Usually this would be before I've figured it out in my head and heart. However there are a few things I don't think I'd ever forgive someone for. Those would be horrible things. But I can't think of anything anyone has done or said to me personally that I couldn't find forgiveness for.

A grudge is a heavy burden to carry. The road traveled is much less troublesome, carrying forgiveness than a heavy burden

Just_G · 08-10-2012, 05:50 PM

I think I am harder on myself than I am with anyone that has ever done anything to hurt me over the years. It seems that the older I get, the harder it is to forgive myself because half the time I know better, but I continue to LET people do things that hurt me.

I try to remember to be kind to myself about it and that it is more important for me to forgive myself than to forgive the person that did it.....I gotta live with myself, and I usually put separation between me and the people that hurt me anyway. It doesn't mean I don't forgive them...I just choose not to let them in my hula hoop ever again.

Canela · 08-10-2012, 08:17 PM

But, I have learned not to carry around negative stuff from others and what they've done to me. It weighs too heavy on me. I am pretty hard on myself, so I don't need extra stuff.

I do get mad, hurt, angry, etc...I will yell, hurt, cry, whatever...when I get that out, I am ready to work on it...forgive it and then release it. I don't need it to hinder me.

And if I expect forgiveness for stuff I've done directly or indirectly to others, I need to forgive, as well. No, it's not easy. It's a process obviously, but it does happen. And I'm grateful--because I understand that I shouldn't ask for something that I wouldn't do for others.

Fair is fair.

That's just me.

08-10-2012, 08:05 AM	#1
JustJo Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: pushy broad Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Follow your heart; it knows things your mind cannot explain. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Southeast corner Posts: 5,633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 24,417 Thanked 25,404 Times in 4,660 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Okay, so this may sound a little weird....but I don't believe in forgiveness. Not out of a "hanging onto anger" place, but just that I don't feel it's up to me. For me, saying "I forgive you" also implies, in a small way, that I have judged you and found you wanting. When I have been hurt, I do my best to understand....understand what happened, understand my part in it, understand the other's part in it....and hopefully learn some lessons. Then, I stick it all in a mental/emotional box, tie a ribbon around it, and stick it in a deep, dark closet in my head. It's still there....and I can revisit it if I must, or if I choose to. Having said that....I grew up around angry, narcissistic, bullying people....and I never....ever....forget. __________________ I'm not tall enough to ride emotional roller coasters

08-10-2012, 05:35 PM	#6
Blade Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: TG Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: once in a while someone amazing comes along...and here I am! Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Down on the farm Posts: 5,501 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,855 Thanked 14,412 Times in 4,058 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Sometime forgiveness is about understanding. Perhaps understanding why you or someone else behaved/responded a certain way or didn't. Perhaps understanding that it just is what it is. I am suprised when I hear folks say they don't forgive. I wonder how they move forward. You can't just ignore or remove yourself from every situation or person in life who has wronged you. I guess in the same token you can't forgive everyone who has wronged you either. I have to forgive or it eats me alive inside. This doesn't mean I'm satisfied with whatever the situation was. It just means that I have dealt with it on my end and I've come to an understanding of why I feel/felt the way I did in a given situation. As a person who believes in God, I feel it is my duty to find a way to forgive. If my God can forgive me when I fall short of His expectations, what makes me above that, that I wouldn't/shouldn't forgive. Especially when someone falls short of my expectations. That's on me isn't it. You can't set the bar of expectations at the same level for everyone. You lower that bar for some and don't expect as much out of them. Usually because you accept them like they are...flawed...you forgive their flaws. I'm sure I've said oh I'll never forgive so and so for this or that. Usually this would be before I've figured it out in my head and heart. However there are a few things I don't think I'd ever forgive someone for. Those would be horrible things. But I can't think of anything anyone has done or said to me personally that I couldn't find forgiveness for. A grudge is a heavy burden to carry. The road traveled is much less troublesome, carrying forgiveness than a heavy burden __________________ Yeah so what if I'm triple dipped in awesome sauce? The best way to predict the future, is to create it.

08-10-2012, 05:50 PM	#7
Just_G Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Switch, Comedian...G...whichever. Preferred Pronoun?: He....with an e! Relationship Status: I'll take kinky & twisted for $200, Alex!! Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in the middle Posts: 2,281 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 874 Thanked 6,165 Times in 1,450 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I think I am harder on myself than I am with anyone that has ever done anything to hurt me over the years. It seems that the older I get, the harder it is to forgive myself because half the time I know better, but I continue to LET people do things that hurt me. I try to remember to be kind to myself about it and that it is more important for me to forgive myself than to forgive the person that did it.....I gotta live with myself, and I usually put separation between me and the people that hurt me anyway. It doesn't mean I don't forgive them...I just choose not to let them in my hula hoop ever again. __________________ Happy are those who dream and are ready to pay the price to make them come true!

08-10-2012, 08:17 PM	#8
Canela Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Babe, she, her, ella Relationship Status: Well loved… Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Texas Posts: 2,375 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,644 Thanked 6,502 Times in 1,694 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	It took a long time... But, I have learned not to carry around negative stuff from others and what they've done to me. It weighs too heavy on me. I am pretty hard on myself, so I don't need extra stuff. I do get mad, hurt, angry, etc...I will yell, hurt, cry, whatever...when I get that out, I am ready to work on it...forgive it and then release it. I don't need it to hinder me. And if I expect forgiveness for stuff I've done directly or indirectly to others, I need to forgive, as well. No, it's not easy. It's a process obviously, but it does happen. And I'm grateful--because I understand that I shouldn't ask for something that I wouldn't do for others. Fair is fair. That's just me. __________________ . . . . . Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

08-10-2012, 08:36 AM	#3
KayCee Member How Do You Identify?: Multifaceted Queer Femme Preferred Pronoun?: It's a secret Relationship Status: And from my lips hye drew the hallelujah Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow clicking my heels Posts: 732 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,646 Thanked 1,722 Times in 521 Posts Rep Power: 8635875	If something happened or was said that was really really hurtful that would need forgiveness but I can't ever forget, not even over time, no matter how much I try, then for me there is no forgiveness either.