Too screwed up to be Loved?

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you very much for everyone that has responed, Yes i have been commited to therapy, it has helped with some issues and problems, but when it comes to abandonment it seems as if I cant kick that one in the ass, Ive worked thru the trust issues,and the jealousy issues, its just the abandonement issues. I have thrown everything I have into relationships, I give everyone the benifit of the doubt, and maybe your right about not seeing it as they gave up and left,maybe most of them did try their best,

[CharmingButch25]

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

[Soon]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

I know a couple people who have walked away from their damaging families, and their lives improved immeasurably.

As for myself, I have gone for extended periods of no contact with a family member, as they were certainly adding to my mental distress (and I am sure I was theirs as well).

There is nothing wrong with looking at these options to begin healing yourself and helping you forge a healthy future with a chance for a healthy relationship.

Best to you.

p.s. That is great that you are in therapy. It is so hard to begin the process, but it's worth it when you find someone you feel comfortable with and are able to see/feel progress on those issues that most of us struggle to address.

[princessbelle]

You have been given some great advice here. I feel for you. I hear your pain and know what it is like to just want someone to love you for who you are.

Many of us have been there, whether we have "issues" or not, and it's painful.

Let me ask you a question...

What would you offer a partner? Meaning, would you give them ...love, devotion, understanding, patience, friendship, honesty, forgiveness, faith and trust? Start by giving ALL of those things to YOU. You deserve to be loved by yourself and that is the most important love there is.

I wish you peace and positive energy.

[Breathless]

Just because you were not able to see it, does not mean that you were not loved. I am certain that you have been loved very deeply, that comes naturally as people care about one another. Just because you didnt see it or feel it.. doesnt make it less true or less real. Just because someone didnt love you the way that you wanted them to, doesnt mean that they didnt love you with all that they had to give. Perhaps look at your defination of what love is?
Love yourself first Charming, let go of the negative, wake up every day BELIEVING that Today is going to be a great day, and it will be!

Exes are probably exes.. because it is EXHAUSTING constantly having to prove their love and devotion. Having to undo all the previous hurts with constant redirection and positive reinforcement, and yet feeling like they have made no head way, when the feeling is constantly no one loves me, no one has ever loved me.

I may be way off base, but that is my 2 cents. Love yourself first!

[alexri]

We are all damaged... we have all been broken... we all have baggage... and many of us have been to hell and back, sometimes multiple times. I understand how you feel. There have been many times where I thought I was unlovable and resigned myself to a life of being alone. For me part of it was the new self-acceptance of being trans.

Sometimes you have to be broken down to build yourself back up. If you are starting new or starting over, love yourself, take care of yourself, and respect yourself first. Let go of any expectations of perfections. No one is. Let go of anyone else's ideas of normal. You are your own normal.

Also look at the patterns in your relationships... the people you dated/fell for... is there something similar? For me it was going for the first person that showed me any sign of affection, because I never got it from my family, and I craved it. So I gave my time and attention to people who used me and people I didn't really fit with. Recognize bad patterns, and challenge them. Replace them with new healthy actions.

Not sure what's going on in your life right now, but you know you are not alone, and you have a whole community of people here to talk to.

Hang in there...

[CharmingButch25]

I have gotten some great advice by posting this, and I do think that I have a lot of stuff to work on, so maybe its not that im too screwed up to be loved, its just I need some work before anyone could be ready to love me, I have done a lot of thinking in the past weeks for various reasons, and yes things always did end the same, but now I am more so thinking as to why they ended that way and I have found the problem now how to fix it I dont know but hopefully I will get there, but for now I am just going to take things as they come and see what happens when I focus on me for once.

[Nadeest]

I think that we all have to love ourselves, first, before we can truly accept someone else's love for us. Keep hanging in there, and keep doing your best to work on yourself, and your life.

I know that it is very, very hard to leave family, even if they are bad for you. I've had to do it in the past, simply to be able to save myself from a horrible fate. It took a lot of help from my friends, before I could realize this, however.

We are here, if you need to vent, or just need to talk. hugs

[Quintease]

I had massive relationship issues, which were compounded by the fact that I was always in a relationship. All my relationships ended in one of three ways. Either I broke up with them as they refused to commit, only to end up getting back with them. Or I broke up with them after a looong period of time in which I was very unhappy. Or they broke up with me as they felt I was distant and uncaring.

I eventually realised I had 3 major issues - Anxiety/insecurity, abandonment issues, and fucked up ideas of what a healthy relationship was. These 3 problems led me to date people people who either exacerbated my anxiety and abandonment issues or people who I felt emotionally 'safe' with (ie: people I wouldn't fall in love with or were slightly crazy).

This led me into a clearly messed up pattern - Fall in love with someone emotionally unavailable, only to leave with a broken heart. Then date someone who could never break my heart, only to end up unfulfilled and unhappy (or make them unfulfilled and unhappy). I put up with so much rubbish from my partners, and in my relationships, as I didn't know where to draw the line, I didn't know where the boundaries were.

Eventually I dated someone who was scarily mentally ill... and somehow that woke me up and helped me to find my darling husband.

My point is, that I can write all this now with the benefit of hindsight. 5-10 years ago I didn't know all of this. I knew my partners loved me as they fought for me when I walked away. I knew how much I loved my partners. Deep down I knew none of my relationships were giving me what I really wanted, but I didn't know why. I can look back now and think 'My issues with -- and -- and -- caused my partners to struggle in their relationship with me, but also my issues caused me to choose partners who were not good for me because of --- and --- and ---'.

A book that really helped me as I was first getting involved with my husband was - Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment by Dr. Amir Levine, M.D and Rachael S.F. Heller, M.A.

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you very much everyone I am grateful some of you understand where im coming from.

[MysticOceansFL]

I've always said that E/everyone has a little bit of Dysfunctional in them and no one is perfect and I also say god made us and if there is something that's broken then it can be fixed!!! So don't be down on yourself so much everyone is in the same boat.

[chris1life]

I am one messed up puppy myself I'm a lot better but am still a work in progress. When I was younger I dated people that i knew were straight or just as messed up as me. I felt if I could fix them or make them love and want me I would finally feel that I was enough. It always ended the same way it took counseling and tons of pain to figure out that it wasn't them it was me. As long as I kept the attitude that it was them and not me I couldn't get better. We all have baggage/demons its what we decide to do about it that matters. I'm not saying we can just decide not to have issues because that doesn't work but speaking for myself once I figured out the what's and whys I have been able to control some of my reactions to situations.
I took a few years and wouldn't get into a serious relationship Because I knew I would revert back to old habits And behaviors. Once I learned to love and care for myself the kinds of women and relationships I attracted was healthier.
I now see my truly screwed up past as a learning experience and though there is a lot I'm not proud of its all part of me. The changing of attitude about yourself is very helpful. Some times I Have to remind myself of these things..
I love myself first and for most.
My past is just that its my past I wont allow it to own me
My current wife IS NOT my family or ex and shouldn't be treated as if she is
I may be messed up emotionally and mentally but that doesn't mean I am a horrible person and what ever issues I still cling to can eventually b worked out
I know that even though I LOVE my wife with all of my heart I am a strong person and I don't have to have her to live my life.
Now the last one seems cold and God only knows if she left it Would break my heart. For me though I had to learn that my lovers do not make me. I don't have to be with someone to be fixed or whole. I am a wonderful person regardless of my issues.
This sounds childish but it has helped me to learn to love myself. Early on I was a wreck but I took time to get to know me. Yea at one time I was to messed up to b in a relationship but after I started enjoying my own company I found I was much more lovable.
Please don't ever think u are worthless, unable to be loved or unable to heal. You can its a lot of work but you are worthy of love. Fight for yourself dig your heals in and hold your head high. Silly as it sounds my counselor had me tell myself every morning and night in the mirror that I loved myself then through out the day I paid attention to what I was doing and if I done something well I'd stop and give myself a mental pat on the back

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

Tough one. my Syr helps me realize that the toxic family members don't serve me well. i still have them in my life but at arms length and do not allow them to come between my partner and myself. i'm learning that blood relatives do not mean self sacrifice.

[CharmingButch25]

Yes your right every person does deserve love. Sometimes its just not the right time for some I guess. Right now it's me time. As far as family thats an even harder one , people suggest therapy but I did that for so long and it never worked,but maybe ill try again

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

Yes your right every person does deserve love. Sometimes its just not the right time for some I guess. Right now it's me time. As far as family thats an even harder one , people suggest therapy but I did that for so long and it never worked,but maybe ill try again

I work in the mental health field and will be the first to say that not all therapists are good or have worked through their own issues.

Sometimes it is just not the right fit even if they are highly skilled. If you truly gave it your best and feel like you never got anywhere, it really is time to find another therapist.

I remember so well my first therapist (thank you Ginny wherever you are) really was awesome as I was trying to work through my parental issues. I was 21 and still asking why my parents didn't love me. She just very firmly, each time I asked this question, said: "Because they can't".

I must have asked 20 times until the lightbulb in my head went off, she broke through the last of my defenses and I understood that they just were not able to love me. They never got the tools from their own parents.

When therapy works, it can be life and soul-saving.

[nycfem]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

....
I remember so well my first therapist (thank you Ginny wherever you are) really was awesome as I was trying to work through my parental issues. I was 21 and still asking why my parents didn't love me. She just very firmly, each time I asked this question, said: "Because they can't".

I must have asked 20 times until the lightbulb in my head went off, she broke through the last of my defenses and I understood that they just were not able to love me. They never got the tools from their own parents.

Anya, your experience hit home for me and made me look up a poem I wrote years ago about a dream I had about my parents:

"Flight of Anger

I dreamed that my anger
propelled me into flight.
I was inside a store,
and my parents were waiting
outside in a car for me.
I felt so angry at my parents
that I rose up to the ceiling.
I cannot recall
why I was angry
but it was such a powerful force
that I flew around the store.
Then I looked at myself from afar
as the girl, a a teenage me,
got into the car with her parents.
I thought about how the girl's parents
did not really love her,
but because they were her parents
they had to allow her
to get in the car with them.
I felt a sense of utter fright and sadness
that the unloved girl
could have just as easily disappeared
and the parents could have driven off
without any sense of loss.
The girl was too young to know
that she was unloved,
that her parents didn't know her,
and that her family was just
an empty social construction."

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you both for sharing, it all means so much to me in figuring out everything

[NJFemmie]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

Yes your right every person does deserve love. Sometimes its just not the right time for some I guess. Right now it's me time. As far as family thats an even harder one , people suggest therapy but I did that for so long and it never worked,but maybe ill try again

I'm not sure what your family issues are exactly, but YOU going to therapy is going to help to some degree, but that isn't going to change THEM. They are probably not going to change either, so, you have to keep in mind that sometimes keeping a safe distance and limiting your exposure to the negativity is the ONLY way you will find a healthy medium.

If your family is making that much of an influence on you, then you really do need to sit back and find out why. They are not living your life, you are. Keeping a distance doesn't mean you don't love or care for them, but that you love and care for yourself more.

[~ocean]

YEAH NJ ~~ ((((( cb ))))) listen to NJ

[CharmingButch25]

It has always been a rough road with my faimly, since as far back as I can remember, but I just keep on staying , I am seriously thinking of just taking the baby and leaving to another town, Not like kidnapping her, I mean legally,but just getting away because I dont want her growing up like them at all.
And I guess now thinking about it,the baby loves me no matter how screwed up I am,So I guess i know at least someone cares