Spouses/Partners of Transmen and transwomen...

Spirit Dancer · 09-01-2012, 09:09 PM

It would seem that we all come from different regions, living in a more
metropolitan it would be an accepting atmosphere. However in small
town USA TG couples are more closted and often isolated from their peers or those who accept us.
The other thing i wanted to mention
if you can seem to find a TG community it small town USA it's usually a MtF community with very few if any FtM persons.

aishah · 09-01-2012, 09:25 PM

we are lucky in kansas...i know of quite a few ftm folks here. i'm not sure how much of an organized community there is - there's a big transguy campout planned next year after c. moves here so i guess we'll find out more, and i'm hooked up with a state advocacy/educational organization called kstep. i feel blessed and lucky for the queer and trans communities here.

Mrs Arcstriker · 09-01-2012, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spirit Dancer

It would seem that we all come from different regions, living in a more
metropolitan it would be an accepting atmosphere. However in small
town USA TG couples are more closted and often isolated from their peers or those who accept us.
The other thing i wanted to mention
if you can seem to find a TG community it small town USA it's usually a MtF community with very few if any FtM persons.

Spirit...

In my community there is no other couple like us. In the "JC" where we got married years ago, the town clerk bought a 3-ring binder to hold all the marriage licenses for same-sex couples when civil union and later same-sex marriage became legal. Because I am a shitty bookkeeper we actually lost our original marriage license and had to go to town hall to get a copy...and the town clerk pulled the blue binder off the shelf that had only one page in it...You get the rest of the story here. Granted, when same-sex marriage became legal in CT, she still had us in our own special binder. Shame on her for wasting tax-payer dollars on a 2-inch binder when she could have done just as well with a pocket folder.

Mrs Arcstriker · 09-01-2012, 11:43 PM

BUMP!........

Jaques · 09-02-2012, 01:57 AM

My partner and I have been together 10 years. I came out in my late 40's - thinking I might be gay and it took me a few yrs to realise Im not. She has never dated a bio male, rather had 4 LTR's with very butch women, all of whom looked male. She has been wonderful in her support and encouraged me when going through transition. We occasionally do the gay scene, since when we met i was a drag king and performed mostly in gay clubs. However as time went on and being of an older generation, we dont go to clubs as most are frequented by much younger, single people and prefer to go to the theatre, to friends and give dinnerparties etc at home. She doesnt ID as gay and I have made my way through, absolutely loving the butch/femme dynamic, which I still do. We're easy going so we fit it pretty much anywhere. We've never encountered any problems from anyone gay or straight, even when i looked female.

julieisafemme · 09-02-2012, 12:09 PM

I think the posts here show that every couple has different experiences. The discussion of "passing" is a difficult one for all of us. I put the word in quotations because it is not a word I use or a word I like in relation to my partner and how others view him. The funny thing is how it happens or doesn't on any given day. How do people gender us? Greyson was in a big box store yesterday and had two women helping him at the same time and one called him she and the other he. They seemed to be unaware that they were not in agreement about their perception of his gender. Why or what made one see he and the other see she? Its's hard to know. We have no clue when we go out how we will be seen. Are we a queer couple or straight? There can be multiple variations on the same day in the same area around our home.

We pretty much don't examine it anymore. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. I "pass" as a straight woman everyday. That is the femme invisibility. It used to bother me a lot. It bothers me less and less as time goes on. It is hard for me to truly understand how it is for Greyson to have his gender and his sexual orientation up for debate for all who encounter him on a given day.

My hope is that someday people will have the tools to free them from having to make that automatic perception of what or who someone is. That is pie in the sky at this point but I do hope we get there.

stephfromMIT · 09-02-2012, 01:19 PM

Amanda and I both ID as female, though, to my chagrin I can "pass". When we wed, we will both be "wife".

chefhmboyrd · 09-02-2012, 01:20 PM

we all have a slightly different perspective.

i had always identified as a lesbian before transition, but it never felt quite right on me. i dated many "straight" women, most of which never dated another woman, ever.

once i began to transition, everything made more sense to me, and the past relationships came into focus. i had always been a man, in spirit, if not in form.

when i met my fiance, Gsnap, in 2008, i had been on t for over a year. she is straight, identifies and straight, never been with a woman or even attracted to a woman.
we hit is off right away, and we were friends for almost 2 years (we were both in a relationship at the time)
when our respective relationships fell apart, we started dating. I dated a few other people over the first few months, before i realized that she was all i needed.

people are curious as to how she can identify as straight while she is engaged to a transman, but to question her sexual identity, is to infer that i am not a "man"
as you can imagine, that is offensive to both of us.

Tony · 09-02-2012, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chefhmboyrd

we all have a slightly different perspective.

i had always identified as a lesbian before transition, but it never felt quite right on me. i dated many "straight" women, most of which never dated another woman, ever.

once i began to transition, everything made more sense to me, and the past relationships came into focus. i had always been a man, in spirit, if not in form.

when i met my fiance, Gsnap, in 2008, i had been on t for over a year. she is straight, identifies and straight, never been with a woman or even attracted to a woman.
we hit is off right away, and we were friends for almost 2 years (we were both in a relationship at the time)
when our respective relationships fell apart, we started dating. I dated a few other people over the first few months, before i realized that she was all i needed.

people are curious as to how she can identify as straight while she is engaged to a transman, but to question her sexual identity, is to infer that i am not a "man"
as you can imagine, that is offensive to both of us.

Exactly where all my relationships have also been. Thanks for putting that our here. Sometimes I feel I can't vouce these sort of experiences here for several reasons. Glad to see someone walking the same path I have.

I gave to add tho, I never id'ed as lesbian. Nothing against you, just wanted to clarify who I am.

stargazingboi · 09-02-2012, 06:23 PM

Hmmm interesting thread and thank you for starting it Mrs Ark. I know this may be hard to grasp for many, but oddly enough I have never analyzed the ID of the “we,” and I’m the sort that analyzes everything…just not this.

When I was younger I had no idea what I was…I just knew I felt like a man within and was attracted to woman. I’ve know this about myself my entire life. My first memory of it coming to the surface was with my family, I was two years of age, when I responded to my grandmother’s comment “when you get married and have children.” My response to her “I’m not having any children and I’m not marring no man.” This memory was confirmed by my mother years later when I came out at the age eighteen.

However, back then the world was different...it was not ok to be me, it was downright dangerous to be in a same sex relationship, never mind to be who I truly was…which was and remains TG. My journey has been hard at times and a very long one at that. I had to try and hide myself for many years...tried to fit and appear somewhat like the world expected me too. But, it never really worked. I was to masculine and felt out of place and people could tell I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. As I got older…I started to understand myself more and began to allow myself to just be who I am. The more I did this the more I noticed people accepting me for me. I now live as an openly TG individual in my work and in my social life. I do not ID as anything other than that…sometimes I pass and others I do not. Does it rub me the wrong way when someone uses female pronouns? I would be lying if I said no, but I honestly don’t get offended by it either. How can I really… how can I fault them for seeing the form in which I was born?

Although, I have been known to request people to not use pronouns all together, when talking to or about me to others, for example: my secretary when calling on my behalf or speaking of me, uses my name..not a pronoun, for I am not my gender…I am just me.

It is because of this that I have never sat and pondered on the ID of “we”...let the world see it as they will, it does not affect my daily life, because as long as I know who I am and the person I am with knows who she is, it doesn’t matter.

I do respect those who do though. I find the topic very interesting and look forward to following the discussion.

09-01-2012, 09:09 PM	#1
Spirit Dancer Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Complex but Tender Preferred Pronoun?: ~Ma`am~ Relationship Status: Shotgun Rider Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Following the red road Posts: 4,519 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,304 Thanked 12,913 Times in 3,466 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	It would seem that we all come from different regions, living in a more metropolitan it would be an accepting atmosphere. However in small town USA TG couples are more closted and often isolated from their peers or those who accept us. The other thing i wanted to mention if you can seem to find a TG community it small town USA it's usually a MtF community with very few if any FtM persons. __________________ “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Judy Garland

09-02-2012, 12:09 PM	#6
julieisafemme Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married to Greyson Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In the present Posts: 828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,156 Thanked 3,434 Times in 660 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I think the posts here show that every couple has different experiences. The discussion of "passing" is a difficult one for all of us. I put the word in quotations because it is not a word I use or a word I like in relation to my partner and how others view him. The funny thing is how it happens or doesn't on any given day. How do people gender us? Greyson was in a big box store yesterday and had two women helping him at the same time and one called him she and the other he. They seemed to be unaware that they were not in agreement about their perception of his gender. Why or what made one see he and the other see she? Its's hard to know. We have no clue when we go out how we will be seen. Are we a queer couple or straight? There can be multiple variations on the same day in the same area around our home. We pretty much don't examine it anymore. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. I "pass" as a straight woman everyday. That is the femme invisibility. It used to bother me a lot. It bothers me less and less as time goes on. It is hard for me to truly understand how it is for Greyson to have his gender and his sexual orientation up for debate for all who encounter him on a given day. My hope is that someday people will have the tools to free them from having to make that automatic perception of what or who someone is. That is pie in the sky at this point but I do hope we get there. Last edited by julieisafemme; 09-02-2012 at 12:18 PM.

09-02-2012, 01:20 PM	#8
chefhmboyrd Senior Member How Do You Identify?: man Preferred Pronoun?: beef Relationship Status: Uncle Daddy Snap Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: nashvegas Posts: 1,607 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,411 Thanked 2,846 Times in 898 Posts Rep Power: 14271905	Great Thread!!! we all have a slightly different perspective. i had always identified as a lesbian before transition, but it never felt quite right on me. i dated many "straight" women, most of which never dated another woman, ever. once i began to transition, everything made more sense to me, and the past relationships came into focus. i had always been a man, in spirit, if not in form. when i met my fiance, Gsnap, in 2008, i had been on t for over a year. she is straight, identifies and straight, never been with a woman or even attracted to a woman. we hit is off right away, and we were friends for almost 2 years (we were both in a relationship at the time) when our respective relationships fell apart, we started dating. I dated a few other people over the first few months, before i realized that she was all i needed. people are curious as to how she can identify as straight while she is engaged to a transman, but to question her sexual identity, is to infer that i am not a "man" as you can imagine, that is offensive to both of us. __________________ what's a cowboy got to do to get a drink around here?

09-01-2012, 09:25 PM	#2
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,442 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	we are lucky in kansas...i know of quite a few ftm folks here. i'm not sure how much of an organized community there is - there's a big transguy campout planned next year after c. moves here so i guess we'll find out more, and i'm hooked up with a state advocacy/educational organization called kstep. i feel blessed and lucky for the queer and trans communities here.

09-01-2012, 11:43 PM	#4
Mrs Arcstriker Timed Out How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: her, she...female ones... Relationship Status: married to Arcstriker Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: CT Posts: 143 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 37 Thanked 407 Times in 100 Posts Rep Power: 0	BUMP!........

09-02-2012, 01:57 AM	#5
Jaques Member How Do You Identify?: male/TG Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: England Posts: 220 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 51 Thanked 398 Times in 122 Posts Rep Power: 2583511	My partner and I have been together 10 years. I came out in my late 40's - thinking I might be gay and it took me a few yrs to realise Im not. She has never dated a bio male, rather had 4 LTR's with very butch women, all of whom looked male. She has been wonderful in her support and encouraged me when going through transition. We occasionally do the gay scene, since when we met i was a drag king and performed mostly in gay clubs. However as time went on and being of an older generation, we dont go to clubs as most are frequented by much younger, single people and prefer to go to the theatre, to friends and give dinnerparties etc at home. She doesnt ID as gay and I have made my way through, absolutely loving the butch/femme dynamic, which I still do. We're easy going so we fit it pretty much anywhere. We've never encountered any problems from anyone gay or straight, even when i looked female.

09-02-2012, 01:19 PM	#7
stephfromMIT Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Troll Preferred Pronoun?: she her Relationship Status: engaged to my fiancee Amanda Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: cambridge MA Posts: 230 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 703 Thanked 408 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 0	Amanda and I both ID as female, though, to my chagrin I can "pass". When we wed, we will both be "wife".

09-02-2012, 06:23 PM	#10
stargazingboi Senior Member How Do You Identify?: ~ Preferred Pronoun?: ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ~ Posts: 1,954 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,392 Thanked 8,318 Times in 1,626 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Hmmm interesting thread and thank you for starting it Mrs Ark. I know this may be hard to grasp for many, but oddly enough I have never analyzed the ID of the “we,” and I’m the sort that analyzes everything…just not this. When I was younger I had no idea what I was…I just knew I felt like a man within and was attracted to woman. I’ve know this about myself my entire life. My first memory of it coming to the surface was with my family, I was two years of age, when I responded to my grandmother’s comment “when you get married and have children.” My response to her “I’m not having any children and I’m not marring no man.” This memory was confirmed by my mother years later when I came out at the age eighteen. However, back then the world was different...it was not ok to be me, it was downright dangerous to be in a same sex relationship, never mind to be who I truly was…which was and remains TG. My journey has been hard at times and a very long one at that. I had to try and hide myself for many years...tried to fit and appear somewhat like the world expected me too. But, it never really worked. I was to masculine and felt out of place and people could tell I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. As I got older…I started to understand myself more and began to allow myself to just be who I am. The more I did this the more I noticed people accepting me for me. I now live as an openly TG individual in my work and in my social life. I do not ID as anything other than that…sometimes I pass and others I do not. Does it rub me the wrong way when someone uses female pronouns? I would be lying if I said no, but I honestly don’t get offended by it either. How can I really… how can I fault them for seeing the form in which I was born? Although, I have been known to request people to not use pronouns all together, when talking to or about me to others, for example: my secretary when calling on my behalf or speaking of me, uses my name..not a pronoun, for I am not my gender…I am just me. It is because of this that I have never sat and pondered on the ID of “we”...let the world see it as they will, it does not affect my daily life, because as long as I know who I am and the person I am with knows who she is, it doesn’t matter. I do respect those who do though. I find the topic very interesting and look forward to following the discussion.