Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)

[Ms. Meander]

What an awesome thread! Thanks for starting it, Medusa - and thanks to all for sharing your stories.

There are times in my life when I seem more surrounded by other queers, in real time, but it has been less-so lately. So I have regular opportunities to come out. It is less of a "Femme" issue than a "Gay" thing, except to the extent that I am not recognized as queer by the average straight person.

When people discover who I am (and who I associate with) they are often keen to question me about trans issues. Which is somewhat ridiculous because I am not trans. But I am and have been close to many trans people, and perhaps have a little insight. I at least have enough insight to open the door of understanding to a previously clueless soul. I have great and frequent opportunities to spread awareness and dispel myths and fear. I know I do it imperfectly, but you have to start somewhere.

I have had a few occasions when people have been disturbed and distressed to find that I am a Queer Femme -- something along the lines of, "but you look so normal", "you're such a pretty girl, you could be normal if you wanted to." Yeah. Thanks. I tried that. No thanks. Get used to it!

[deb0670]

I have read a few posts in this forum, and, finally decided to try to share my story..
I have always had a very hard time feeling or thinking of myself as a Femme.. even tho that is what i truly wanted to be..
I was born 10 lbs 7 oz. and was the baby and only girl out of 3 kids. My brothers are 2 and 3 yrs older than me. I was not one of the spoiled lil girls that a lot of people know about, i did without a lot of things that my brothers were privileged to get.. My oldest brother always did Karate, my other brother was in Football, but when it got time for me to join dance or gymnastics, there never was enough money. I grew up watching my mom get a new dress every week, while us kids got new school clothes from K-Mart, once a year.
Due to my size,( i was skinny from ages 1-5 and then again between 15 and 16) but the majority of my life i was heavy set), i never got to have the pretty lil dresses or skirts like my mom did.. most of the time i had to wear my brothers hand me downs. I would see the other girls at school wearing the latest fashions and trend setters, while i was inwardly drooling over them, i was outwardly shunned and cast away, never made to feel "pretty".
I had a few dresses for church, but i was told that if i wore them i could not go out and play or wrestle with my brothers, but sit like a lady, and that got boring.
I was raised in a strict Pentecostal home, where they honestly believe that homosexuals are demon possessed and need to be delivered.. thus the reason why i stayed in the closet most of my life. I went thru the motions of getting married.. more than once.. having my kids, trying to live "right" all the while never feeling comfortable and knowing there was another way for me.
I never really had many friends that were girls growing up, so i never did the makeup and hair thing.. i didn't know how and my mom was too much into herself to see that she had a daughter who needed her.
In my last marriage, i gained a heck of a lot of weight.. mainly due to my ex not wanting me to be flirted with and also having a sit down job for almost 6 yrs.. but i had pretty clothes.. a few dresses, feminine blouses, etc.. When i finally had the nerve to leave that very abusive marriage, and got a job at Walmart as a cashier and got active.. i kid you not.. i dropped 8 pant sizes in less than 6 months. That was wonderful!! None of my clothes fit anymore! Only problem was, i had no clothes to replace all the too big for me clothes, and definitely did not have the same income i did before.. so i had to settle with what i could find.
I finally came out of the closet in May of 2009. Moved away from Illinois and moved to Oklahoma/Arkansas area. Met some gay people and started going to the first and only gay bar i have ever been to. i was still trying to figure myself out, so i started dressing like a soft butch.. but not really feeling comfortable.
I still had/have this stigma about myself that i am not feminine enough.. i don't look sexy enough, i don't know how to even begin to be sexy..
Ethan will say otherwise.. and i thank Him for that. but.. i have never ever been really accepted by women and never had close women friends who could show me how to do my makeup, or what to or not to wear.. sighs..
I first found the other BF site back in late May 2009, and thought it was awesome being able to be a part of so many awesome people.. when it.. well.. i felt lost.. then i discovered the Planet.. and for quite a while i would just observe.. cause i was worried i would not be accepted for whatever reason... like most things in my life.. and i just hid.
Today, i don't hide so much anymore.. i am starting to branch out more..
I know that i am a Femme.. i am not always in dresses and heels and do not always wear makeup.. but i am Femme..
i just wish i knew what it felt like to be sexy.. Never have i thought that i could be sexy and be heavy at the same time.. and since i do not think i will ever see skinny again.. maybe there is hope for me to be the other? shrugs..

I know i have went way left field and back again a few times in my story.. and for that i apologize.. sometimes i get alittle carried away.
i am still searching inside to find the true and real Debbie.. and.. maybe someday i will find her. But i do know one thing about her.. she is Femme.

[Sarafemme]

On some level I have always known I was femme but didn't have the word for it.

Growing up, I was a girly-girl, played with Barbies, wore lots of pink, and it felt right to me. Meanwhile, I had massive emotional crushes on other women (not usually my peers, but teachers, adults I knew, etc.). I was a very lonely teenager; I was introverted and bookish and had no friends and didn't date anyone, even in college. (I had crushes on various guys, too, but they weren't nearly as intense as my feelings for women).

I considered the possibility of my attractions to women for the first time when I was a junior in college. I snuck to the sexuality section of the library and read books on lesbianism. I didn't dare check anything out. I felt guilty. What further frustrated me is that I didn't often feel like I related to many of the women's stories of feeling 'different': I wasn't a tomboy, I didn't want to be a boy, I didn't dream of marrying another girl. Instead, I was girly, I loved it, and figured I'd marry a man someday and forget all about these persistent and highly-charged crushes on women.

After graduation, I stayed in my hometown. I finally met a man who I thought was the one for me. We were both each other's first significant relationship (I was 27, he was 32). He proposed after only 2 months of dating. I accepted on the condition we wait a year to get married so we could get to know each other better, so that's what we did.

We had problems right from the start of our honeymoon. We couldn't achieve having sex (we both had waited; not for particularly religious reasons, though he was Catholic --just because that's how it had happened). My husband displayed a scary temper and yelled at me for not being able to relax enough. The resentment in our marriage started with that. It took us four years (yes, you read that correctly) for us to achieve that. Obviously, resentment had built throughout that time.

I suppose this all should have been a clue about my sexuality issues, but I was still deeply in denial. I took all of the blame for our problems; I was somehow 'faulty' as a woman. Further, while we were in marriage counseling, I came to the realization that I didn't want to have biological children (pregnancy/birth phobia). This reality hurt my husband a great deal, because he always had wanted to be a dad. He wasn't all that interested in adoption either (he actually thought to adopt would 'take away' children from people who couldn't have them biologically).

Finally, my best friend, after realizing I had an emotional crush on her in the midst of all of my marriage problems, called me out on my bisexuality and promised we would still be best friends (and she wasn't freaked out by my crush, either, though she didn't return my feelings). It was with her help that I not only admitted my attractions to women and called it what it was, but that I also began to embrace the inherent 'femmeness' I had always felt: Though I loved the 'trappings' of femininity, I wasn't passive or doing it to please men, not even my husband. That's why I felt so different from feminine-presenting straight women and why I could never fully relate to them: I had always felt like it was an authentic expression of my gender.

[girl_dee]

OMG i have enjoyed reading in this thread.

i love hearing stories from others. i don't feel so alone in my journey.

i knew i was a femme from very young, chasing the tomboys around. Only i was one too, just not as much. i was never into dolls. i rather pretend to be a pilot or a teacher.

i am not a girly girl at all. i can be, for short spurts. Once when i a butch was chatting me up, asked me if i have *nails*... because it was a requirement. Pfft.

it was very very hard to find my way, as the other queer women i knew didn't dress or act like me. i didn't know what i was. i loved masculine energy, and tied it to male. i tried to fix my gay way too many times. i am so glad i found out about butch women. Masculine energy with a female brain.

i am very mechanically inclined and am bold. i fixed my own garbage disposal the other day. i know tools and lawn equipment. i don't wear make up much and i don't have a clue as to how to really.

When my femme sisters are talking about beauty secrets and the best purses to have, i feel so out of place.

However if they ever want to know how to run a chainsaw, i'm their girl.