Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[bcelly1894]

My scar use to be distrust in people. But I have grown better at trusting others.
I Am Blessed to be good friends with my exes, If that helps to shed some light on my growth.

My scar now is expectation of proper actions in an acceptable time period.
Good old impatience.
Not in the woman wanting to be with me Or in moving in with me.
That doesnt happen right away, I always try to pick femmes who dont want to move in until a year has passed by at least.

My insecurity is not wanting to have my time wasted.
The way that I try not to let that interfere with my relationships, Is combined with how I let any femme interested in me know about my insecurities.
I had such a military attitude about code of conduct and how a person should act and behave in the manner that they say that they do, And not portray characters to me, Or pretend to be someone that they are not.

I was hurting myself alot then, and making myself weaker and less desireable with by becoming full of distrust, anger and impatience.
And in turn I wasnt respecting the woman that I was with.
We were just two good people who shouldnt be together. Not evil or mean women.

I ask a tremendous amount of questions to a woman that has interest in me, or I in her. That is part of my growth.

I was attracting the wrong type of femme for me.
So, In order to break that cycle,

I made a list of what is acceptable and what isnt acceptable for My life.
And then I ask those questions right away.
And if something doesnt match,
I stop myself Or I stop her from the pursuit of romantic interest.

I also did this so that I would not have the baggage of anger or distrust by Me, carrying over into my new relationship.

So, I make sure that Im honest with any femme that likes me romantically.
I keep the communication going by letting her ask me any question that she wants.
And then she decides if she can handle my baggage of impatience.

[Elishat]

I don't trust myself, and I'm terrified of being publicly embarrassed. These issues are holdover from high school and university/grad school. I had a few bad relationships and false friendships, plus I was intelligent, but people skills?...Not so much. I called it the foot in mouth syndrome... I also still had no clue about my sexuality.

When I meet someone I start double guessing myself, did that sound stupid? Was that silly to say? Was it rude? Am I boring them? What do I say next?? Will they think my interest in X is weird? Am I talking too much about myself? They are probably not interested anyway... I get so wrapped up in these doubts, I end up sabotaging myself. Or running away.

I've been working on this, and I have gotten better. A few more years, and working in jobs where I have to talk with various people have helped. But still, when I meet someone I'm really attracted to my old foot in mouth syndrome tends to come back... and the doubts. It's still a work in progress.

[Amber2010]

I always feel like running from relationships.
My problem is I want so much from it and get so disappointed when not even
half of it comes true.
Yes; people start by being attentive and loving and you feel the intimacy growing.
Then I become their caregiver. The one to wake them for work, cook the meals, clean the house, push sexual intimacy, and take care of all of their needs and not getting the same in return.
I have been told I give what I am wanting for myself and get disappointed when the partner doesn't come through for me and then blame them when most likely it is me and my expetations of what a relationship should be.
I do take most of the blame in a break up I am not someone who says it is all the other persons fault. Maybe I am looking for something that just can't be in a long run of a partnership.

I think I should try to stay on a friendship level and if there are benefits that would be a plus.
I may be too needy for most.

[thedivahrrrself]

So, how do you keep these things from impacting your current or future relationships?

What do you work on to make sure you aren't painting someone with someone else's brush? (bad metaphor, but I can't think of any good way to say it)

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For me, my scar equates more to a fear I have, which probably affects my behavior in ways I don't realize. Maybe I am always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. I know I am more cautious than I used to be.

I can be needy sometimes and push people away at others. I often wonder what it is that makes me react differently at different times. I don't trust other people to be able to handle my worst emotions or my pain, so I don't often share those things (but I'm working on it). I have no idea where that scar lies, but I'm sure there must be one there.


So these days, I work hard to be more rational. It's not always easy. I recognize that if someone stops loving me, there's probably nothing I can do to prevent that from happening, so I just have to enjoy the moments where I know I am loved. We never know what the future holds. Que sera, sera... right?

Sometimes easier said than done.

[morningstar55]

fear of .......

abandonment
dis respectfulness on our relationship
lack of honesty
hidden agendas
lack of communication

[Fatale]

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.

[Angeltoes]

Originally Posted by Fatale

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.

I really appreciate that you're honest and upfront because your comment brings to mind one of my fears which is feeling unwanted, as if I'm an intrusion or as if I'm just temporary in hys life and hy knows it. As others have said, I too am needy – no joking. I think even a few people here can attest to that, but I'm also painfully upfront about myself. I don't want to hear, 'you have your friends and I have mine' or 'I need lots of space' because I don't and I don't want to be left wanting more unless it's in the bedroom and just for a little while. I want as much as hy is capable giving and that has to mean sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like the center of hys world. Or at least that our relationship is leading that way. It's much too much for some. I'm intense, ridiculously romantic and very sensitive and if ever someone wants to be with me that person is going to have to welcome that. I'm sure there is a scar that causes me to be the way I am but I'm not aware of it's origin.

Part of me wishes I could be tougher, mentally. I think I'd be much happier if I could not need so much. But it's not going to happen because I'm just not wired that way.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

I really appreciate that you're honest and upfront because your comment brings to mind one of my fears which is feeling unwanted, as if I'm an intrusion or as if I'm just temporary in hys life and hy knows it. As others have said, I too am needy – no joking. I think even a few people here can attest to that, but I'm also painfully upfront about myself. I don't want to hear, 'you have your friends and I have mine' or 'I need lots of space' because I don't and I don't want to be left wanting more unless it's in the bedroom and just for a little while. I want as much as hy is capable giving and that has to mean sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like the center of hys world. Or at least that our relationship is leading that way. It's much too much for some. I'm intense, ridiculously romantic and very sensitive and if ever someone wants to be with me that person is going to have to welcome that. I'm sure there is a scar that causes me to be the way I am but I'm not aware of it's origin.

Part of me wishes I could be tougher, mentally. I think I'd be much happier if I could not need so much. But it's not going to happen because I'm just not wired that way.

Angeltoes, I believe you will get tougher mentally. Life has a way of helping us all out there. Look at where you were 5-10 years ago. Are you a little better now than you were?

Your post pulled at my heart, because I can be crazy oversensitive too. I'm better than I used to be, but it's a terrible burden on all your relationships - be they friendship or love.

I'm incredibly lucky. I found someone who really helps me grow in this area. He addresses my sensitivity and insecurities first, then explains the problem. He doesn't take it easy on me, but I think he approaches me in a different way than he probably would anyone else, because he realizes that I can be super-fragile, and I hold his opinion higher than just about anyone's. Even if he is furious with me, he makes sure I understand that I am loved.

And I think that's something we can all do. Regardless of what MrSunshine says, I think almost everyone goes into a relationship with some kind of baggage. It's our own responsibility to let it go and work on ourselves, yes, but we can all be better at relating to our partners and making sure we address their needs and are sensitive to their scars.

[MrSunshine]

Relationship fears?

None. If I had fears I wouldn't get into a relationship.

What I have learned over the years is this : not all people are compatibile.
If it smells like shit, guess what...

There is no point in bringing past crap into your current relationship, everyone suffers.
Let go and let live.

[MissItalianDiva]

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Fatale

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.

Fatale -- I don't think that makes you callous or horrible in any way! I know some women (more women than men actually) who look at love as something that comes and goes throughout someone's life. Different people come into your life for a while and then things go another way. You learn something from each one and you grow throughout the process. It's not a bad way to look at things. It helps you to appreciate what you have.

I think, for you, dating someone like me would be a nightmare. You would have to find someone who either shares your attitude or is secure enough to realize that you will last as long as things are good and confident enough to think they're going to make it good for a long time.

For me, my ideal would be to love the same person throughout my life (and possibly afterlife), but I understand not everyone gets that. And for some people, it happens more than once. We play with the cards we are dealt.

[Mel C.]

Fear of abandonment. How does it play out in relationships? As a result, I withdraw, hold a little back so it doesn't hurt as bad when things go south. Knowing this, I have to work extra hard to allow myself to be open even though it makes me more vulnerable. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.