Showing scars: what are your relationship fears? - Page 2

Teaandroses3 · 07-03-2016, 09:55 PM

Even at my age I tend to be optimistic and romantic. I still have trouble identifying the players until I get hurt. Then I look back and say to myself, duh, should have known!
So then on top of being hurt I feel really stupid.

Chad · 07-04-2016, 06:22 AM

After reading the posts here I have to agree that trust can be an issue. However, any issues that I had in past relationships I leave in the past. The issue belonged to that person in my mind.

Players, I have not thought about players in a long time and I doubt that I could spot one easily. I may have already met players and did not know it.

dark_crystal · 07-04-2016, 08:37 AM

Because financial exploitation was a feature of all my major relationships preceding this one, i get really freaked out when there is any kind of job-related problems.

When Mr. Jenny and I first got together I would freak out any time she hit her snooze button in the morning because I just knew she was going to be late and get fired

She found this very offensive as she has now been at the same job for 31 years and I should have been able to see that as proof that she knows how to not get fired

She's right. It was all my issue

dark_crystal · 07-04-2016, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

This is a big one for me, too. I have had partners that could not wrap their heads around wanting time alone. There was not space in their mind for the concept. They could only see it as a rejection of them.

I am a very tightly wound person, and have had to learn the hard way that self-care is not an indulgence, it is actually necessary for me to be able to function productively in any context.

I started putting hard limits around certain days of the week and certain hours of the day about twelve years ago. If I do not have those periodic discharge/recharge periods between each role performance (director, student, daughter/sister/aunt, partner), I will have regrets for poorly-considered choices, unrecognized opportunities, forgotten talking points, math errors, typos, distractions, talking out of my ass, etc.

My current partner is really easy to be around, though. Sometimes we are on the couch together and I am reading or writing and she is watching HGTV and I actually forget she is in the room. She's totally self-actualized and can enjoy my proximity without demanding any attention at all

But it helps that she works Sundays and I don't, and I work occasional evenings and she doesn't. And that her workday starts four hours before mine does, even when I don't work late.

JDeere · 07-18-2016, 07:37 PM

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

ferret · 07-18-2016, 08:33 PM

Ugh. Where to begin. I'm content being single and am enjoying my life for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm happy. I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone. Yet...I miss companionship and intimacy.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to make the same mistakes I did before - IE - Settling for someone who is absolutely no good for me. Getting with someone because maybe I'm desperate on some level, or...I'm not getting any younger, and the clock is ticking.
My last relationship really did a number on me - being with someone who was controlling, who I felt like I couldn't talk to or completely couldn't be myself around because I was going to be judged. It was just a bad, bad situation all around. Yet loyal me hung in, hoping it would somehow all get better.
So...I suppose I'm torn between my life is fine as is and I'moved enjoying it. I don't want to ruin my happiness somehow by putting someone else in the mix. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be perpetually single, either. I think I'm a genuinely decent human being who has a lot to offer someone.
Sorry if I'm rambling here, but these are things I think about quite often.

Sue

Gemme · 07-19-2016, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDeere

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

JDeere · 07-21-2016, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

giggleluver · 11-22-2015, 08:12 PM

After being alone for 2 years, I am worried how someone is going to be around my animals and how they will respond when I tell them I need my own space.

rustedrims · 05-31-2016, 05:40 PM

trust issues

07-03-2016, 09:55 PM	#1
Teaandroses3 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: Ms Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: Alabama Posts: 5 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1 Thanked 27 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 0	Naive Even at my age I tend to be optimistic and romantic. I still have trouble identifying the players until I get hurt. Then I look back and say to myself, duh, should have known! So then on top of being hurt I feel really stupid.

07-04-2016, 06:22 AM	#2
Chad Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Loved Caregiver Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 6,164 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,746 Thanked 20,315 Times in 5,677 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Relationships After reading the posts here I have to agree that trust can be an issue. However, any issues that I had in past relationships I leave in the past. The issue belonged to that person in my mind. Players, I have not thought about players in a long time and I doubt that I could spot one easily. I may have already met players and did not know it.

07-04-2016, 08:37 AM	#3
dark_crystal Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: jenny Preferred Pronoun?: babygirl Relationship Status: First Lady of the United SMH Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 5,445 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,532 Thanked 26,550 Times in 4,688 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Because financial exploitation was a feature of all my major relationships preceding this one, i get really freaked out when there is any kind of job-related problems. When Mr. Jenny and I first got together I would freak out any time she hit her snooze button in the morning because I just knew she was going to be late and get fired She found this very offensive as she has now been at the same job for 31 years and I should have been able to see that as proof that she knows how to not get fired She's right. It was all my issue __________________

07-18-2016, 08:33 PM	#6
ferret Member How Do You Identify?: As myself. Preferred Pronoun?: Female ones. Relationship Status: Timed out. Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: US Posts: 332 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19 Thanked 887 Times in 277 Posts Rep Power: 5468780	Ugh. Where to begin. I'm content being single and am enjoying my life for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm happy. I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone. Yet...I miss companionship and intimacy. I'm so afraid that I'm going to make the same mistakes I did before - IE - Settling for someone who is absolutely no good for me. Getting with someone because maybe I'm desperate on some level, or...I'm not getting any younger, and the clock is ticking. My last relationship really did a number on me - being with someone who was controlling, who I felt like I couldn't talk to or completely couldn't be myself around because I was going to be judged. It was just a bad, bad situation all around. Yet loyal me hung in, hoping it would somehow all get better. So...I suppose I'm torn between my life is fine as is and I'moved enjoying it. I don't want to ruin my happiness somehow by putting someone else in the mix. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be perpetually single, either. I think I'm a genuinely decent human being who has a lot to offer someone. Sorry if I'm rambling here, but these are things I think about quite often. Sue __________________ There are three things you can't recover in life: The moment after it's missed, the word after it's said, and the time after it's wasted.

11-22-2015, 08:12 PM	#9
giggleluver Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme, Mostly bottom, little Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, girl Relationship Status: Happy, single, polyamorous Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Pacific Northwest Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 93 Thanked 174 Times in 39 Posts Rep Power: 1718000	After being alone for 2 years, I am worried how someone is going to be around my animals and how they will respond when I tell them I need my own space. __________________ Giggle *You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream and that is pretty much the same thing.* Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. ~Leo Tolstoy

07-18-2016, 07:37 PM	#5
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,836 Times in 9,708 Posts Rep Power: 21474864	Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

05-31-2016, 05:40 PM	#10
rustedrims Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Northern Ohio close to Lake Erie and ice-cream places Posts: 444 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,123 Thanked 2,553 Times in 367 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	trust issues __________________ I don't want to be perfect because if I was then I will loose the ability to learn.