What does the "B-F Dynamic" mean to you?

[Dragonfly]

What does it mean to me personally....

Well, I had lived my life doing things the easy way from age 17 to 30. I knew I liked women, and I knew I was not a typical feminine woman. But I could live inside the hetero world raising my kids without fear of an abusive person taking my daughter away from me. Until 2006, when I met a butch Id'ed (female pronoun) lesbian woman. But before her, my girlfriends were loved and I never had multiple girlfriends at the same time. They all had Id'ed bisexual like I did. Comittment to a woman meant sharing her with her guy for me back then. I had realized I wasn't bi a few years before meeting my first butch but had not been out looking for someone new. Hehe we happened to come across each other on myspace and since we had a mutual friend, my ex girlfriend's brother was good friends with her.... I met her in real world. Took along Foo of course, just in case you know. I was surprised she liked me and vice versa.

I had never been attracted to a butch woman before her and came to online community to learn more about it. In the process I began to learn about myself. I had been described as butch for a long time. Tomboy is a word I struggle with and debate using for myself around here, but in the hetero world it was part of my ID and butch was used to describe me by those around me. I am still not able to say I am one or the other, Butch or Femme. Everyone's interpretation is about energy and sexual tastes. I can't read myself confidently that it is accurate compared to other's. I am pretty versatile sexually and maybe kinky so that makes it more confusing. It is all just so confusing for me still after 4 years. I only know I belong here because I am sexually attracted to the people who belong here.

Some days I just want to start a vote thread and get everyone to weigh in and name me so that I can stop being afraid of being judged as NOT one or the other. Oh yeah I am pretty messed up.

It's like, if I ID as butch and hit it off with someone who is only attracted to butch ... and then they meet me and are angry or disappointed that my "energy" they percieve doesn't match what I portray myself to be. Will they dislike me wearing make up? Will they have expectations sexually that they do not like to reciprocate?

Or if I say I ID as femme and a butch and I hit it off... will they meet me and feel mislead because I wear men's clothes a lot and do not look like what they find attractive ABOUT femmes? Will they be like one of my experiences and (pressure me) want me to present myself more feminine in appearance? Will they let me do the sexual things I enjoy doing with my lover... or only want to do them to me?

Yes all of those things are subject to individual people not the ID's. Yes they are stereotypical. No I dont think of butch and femme as sexual acts but as gender Id. Yes, some people do think of them as sexuality and as what happens in bed. Am I confused by ALL of this? Yes.

But the dynamic itself DRAWS me in. I don't feel like this about any other lesbian related community. Here I feel free to be me, whoever that is.... to figure it all out, and to know that there are people like me that ID as many different things in the community.

Plus, no one here will think that wearing men's clothes means I want to be a man or am feeding into mysogyny against the equality of women by embracing my masculinity. I am not asserting my misguided superiority needs and am proud to be a woman and to have feminine things about me too. I just never let people put me into a box of anything woman are "supposed to" and are "not supposed to" be, do, say, or dress like. I resisted being oppressed and that has nothing to do with the butch femme dynamic except that the dynamic to me is the embodiment of that resistance. No matter what I ID as, butch or femme.

Thanks for being community in the best sense of the word.

[Martina]

The dynamic happens for me when a butch and i read each other as butch and femme. It may have a sexual feel or not. But it always implies mutual recognition and respect. It means we know something about one another. To be recognized as a femme in a world where i am read as straight, to have someone understand that, to know that, in principal, the person finds that desirable -- that is a fine thing. Whether they open doors or whatever is irrelevant. Sometimes i get a zing out of that stuff, sometimes not.

Outright disrespect from a butch (for no reason) does hurt a little more than asshat behavior from someone else. i think it's because there is supposed to be a social contract between us as butches and femmes. We know each other for an important part of who we are, and we are supposed to honor that.

Sexually, i sleep with people who make me feel MORE like a woman. There are femmes who can do that. i have been with butches and femmes who bring out the boy in me. i like the boy, but not in bed.

[MainelyButch]

Dragonfly, I really got alot out of what you said here, this is pretty broad conversation, and one that seems to be happening alot lately within our realm. It's very hard to explain the "butch-femme dynamic" I think, and very hard to explain how it incorporates into one's life...at least I find this to be the case with me. People ask what makes me butch...well I never thought about it until all these labels started to pop up in the culture...which I think was perhaps brought on the the invention of our internet communications and connections. Prior to that I never gave it much thought personally. But when you are behind a screen and trying to describe yourself, it's easier for me to just say "hey, I'm butch...pretty stereotypically so" but I didn't do much to "make" myself butch, it just turned out that way. I obviously have more male traits dominating my personality and physical looks than I do female. And in today's world they call that "butch" I guess! Anyway, I like who I am, I enjoy being butch as it's just my natural state of being. And this particular butch enjoys dating femmes and enjoys the b-f "dynamic"....or as I rather call it ...the "discussion or the dance".

Thanks for that piece of writing Dragonfly, got me to thinking for sure!

[Andrew, Jr.]

B-F for me is the ying/yang of living. It just is. Everyone has their own id, and finding the right mate for yourself is something that takes compatability, love, and work - hard work. All relationships require that.

[Kate09]

The butch/femme dynamic, for me, is where i feel perfectly at home. It feels right, and makes sense to me. I've dated people who dont identify as butch, and it's not the same. There is a certain..balance..to things when i am in a b/f relationship.

I do not believe b/f relationships have to mirror male/female relationships. I HATE being asked who's the guy, or even worse, just having someone assume the person i am with "obviously is". I hate having to justify that being with a butch woman is NOT a small step away from being with a man. And I also hate explaining that just because my date has short hair and wears mens clothing does not mean she wants to be a man. (even tho her dick is prolly bigger than most of those inquiring..)

What burns me the most are some of these comments coming from people with whom i supposedly share a community.

I like what I like. I prefer a b/f dynamic in my relationships. It may not be "hip" and it may not be in fashion, but it's what feels good, and i think that's what really matters.

[AtLast]

The B-F "dynamic" for me is really based on mutual energy that meets each other and well... clicks. In no way do stereotypical roles fit within this dynamic for me.