Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

girl_dee · 10-13-2012, 04:44 PM

an acquaintance's ex or online acquaintance.. yes

a good friend - hell no

If you are a really good friend of mine then we have probably shared all of our hard stuff...we've talked and possibly cried.. we've been there for each other through ups and downs..

to me it's just too icky of a situation.

There are also the types of friends who don't turn out to be a real friend at all which is a whole 'nother thread...

tantalizingfemme · 10-13-2012, 05:15 PM

Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....

QueenofSmirks · 10-13-2012, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....

Completely off topic and nothing to do with relationships... we switched places! I moved from the East Coast to Arizona

Back to the thread topic.... for the record, I am not dating your ex LOL

Medusa · 10-13-2012, 06:07 PM

In my mind, anyone who has ever been partnered to or lived with any of my girlfriends is completely and utterly off limits.

And that doesn't mean that my sistergirls aren't partnered to some amazing Butches and Transmen but my primary relationships are with my Femme girlfriends. (I'd say a good 90% of my closest friendships are with Femmes.) Those primary relationships are important to me and reside in a protected place in my heart and no amount of sexytime will change that.

Beloved · 10-13-2012, 06:35 PM

It depends on so many variables. How close you are with the friend, what kind of relationship is had with the ex, how much time has passed etc. In my late teens a friend of mine dated an ex of mine and I was really ok with it. I was kind of strange at first but I didn't want him...she could have him! They broke up but she is still one of my closest friends to this day.

I've never done it, though.

Martina · 10-13-2012, 06:46 PM

I only have one close femme friend, and she is a Top. So it is unlikely that she would date any of my exes. If she did, I'd like to see it. Just be a fly on the wall.

In general, I think that it's none of my business who my ex dates. Sometimes it's hard to hear about because -- and this is my sad shit -- a lot of times, my exes change after me and end up giving the new person stuff they withheld from me. One was a workaholic. It broke us up. The breakup and a minor health scare got her to re-evaluate, and the next person in her life had a different/better experience in most ways. That shit makes me sad. Sad about me. I certainly wish my exes and their new partners the best. But I don't want to witness their new relationships most of the time, and that's when a friend or acquaintance is not involved.

Casual friends dating exes -- I do not care. A close friend? Only if the relationship had been inconsequential or over for a number of years. If it happened short of that, it would be awkward. In terms of my dating a friend's ex, I guess I'd consider it if I were interested. I'd have to check out how much damage it would cause first. But I don't have any hard and fast rules.

Martina · 10-13-2012, 08:24 PM

I agree, belle. It should be about how you'd treat any friend or friendship. It's not a butch femme thing, I'd hope.

Edited to add -- this is not worthy of a sustained discussion. Or at least I don't have that much energy invested.

princessbelle · 10-13-2012, 08:28 PM

I think the butch/femme identity comes up a lot here. I just never see butch/femme as heteronormalitive at all. Actually, i see it as the farthest thing from it. I guess that's where we differ.

It's funny that someone may see butch/femme as heteronormalitive behavior. In fact, it feels like a heteronoramalitive way of looking at things to even think that.

LOL. I know that made no sense.

Martina · 10-13-2012, 08:31 PM

I was seeing the heteronormative part is ASSUMING that we date across genders. That is heteronormative. Not saying butch-femme is. But the assumption that femmes NATURALLY or inevitably date butches and butches femmes IS.

I am not saying it was generally assumed, but in some posts, it was. I guess it's a fair assumption on this site, but it's not, in fact, true of all of us. And sometimes I like to point that out.

10-13-2012, 06:07 PM	#4
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,684 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000026	In my mind, anyone who has ever been partnered to or lived with any of my girlfriends is completely and utterly off limits. And that doesn't mean that my sistergirls aren't partnered to some amazing Butches and Transmen but my primary relationships are with my Femme girlfriends. (I'd say a good 90% of my closest friendships are with Femmes.) Those primary relationships are important to me and reside in a protected place in my heart and no amount of sexytime will change that. __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch

10-13-2012, 08:28 PM	#8
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,496 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I think the butch/femme identity comes up a lot here. I just never see butch/femme as heteronormalitive at all. Actually, i see it as the farthest thing from it. I guess that's where we differ. It's funny that someone may see butch/femme as heteronormalitive behavior. In fact, it feels like a heteronoramalitive way of looking at things to even think that. LOL. I know that made no sense. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

10-13-2012, 04:44 PM	#1
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	an acquaintance's ex or online acquaintance.. yes a good friend - hell no If you are a really good friend of mine then we have probably shared all of our hard stuff...we've talked and possibly cried.. we've been there for each other through ups and downs.. to me it's just too icky of a situation. There are also the types of friends who don't turn out to be a real friend at all which is a whole 'nother thread...

10-13-2012, 05:15 PM	#2
tantalizingfemme Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 4,184 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,957 Thanked 3,984 Times in 822 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....

10-13-2012, 06:35 PM	#5
Beloved Member How Do You Identify?: alive Preferred Pronoun?: um Relationship Status: married Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: on the stars Posts: 460 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,415 Thanked 1,653 Times in 298 Posts Rep Power: 19348704	It depends on so many variables. How close you are with the friend, what kind of relationship is had with the ex, how much time has passed etc. In my late teens a friend of mine dated an ex of mine and I was really ok with it. I was kind of strange at first but I didn't want him...she could have him! They broke up but she is still one of my closest friends to this day. I've never done it, though.

10-13-2012, 06:46 PM	#6
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I only have one close femme friend, and she is a Top. So it is unlikely that she would date any of my exes. If she did, I'd like to see it. Just be a fly on the wall. In general, I think that it's none of my business who my ex dates. Sometimes it's hard to hear about because -- and this is my sad shit -- a lot of times, my exes change after me and end up giving the new person stuff they withheld from me. One was a workaholic. It broke us up. The breakup and a minor health scare got her to re-evaluate, and the next person in her life had a different/better experience in most ways. That shit makes me sad. Sad about me. I certainly wish my exes and their new partners the best. But I don't want to witness their new relationships most of the time, and that's when a friend or acquaintance is not involved. Casual friends dating exes -- I do not care. A close friend? Only if the relationship had been inconsequential or over for a number of years. If it happened short of that, it would be awkward. In terms of my dating a friend's ex, I guess I'd consider it if I were interested. I'd have to check out how much damage it would cause first. But I don't have any hard and fast rules.

10-13-2012, 08:24 PM	#7
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I agree, belle. It should be about how you'd treat any friend or friendship. It's not a butch femme thing, I'd hope. Edited to add -- this is not worthy of a sustained discussion. Or at least I don't have that much energy invested.

10-13-2012, 08:31 PM	#9
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,283 Times in 4,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I was seeing the heteronormative part is ASSUMING that we date across genders. That is heteronormative. Not saying butch-femme is. But the assumption that femmes NATURALLY or inevitably date butches and butches femmes IS. I am not saying it was generally assumed, but in some posts, it was. I guess it's a fair assumption on this site, but it's not, in fact, true of all of us. And sometimes I like to point that out.