Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[The_Lady_Snow]

I guess for me I'm not going to police or expect for people who I'm not fucking/dating/involved with to filter their PDA. If I can't handle my EX's new interest then *I* need to take myself out of that harms way. Personal responsibility is key to a good healthy start when dealing these situations.


It would be uncomfortable for My Pack if i got all uncomfy cause their father was doing something with Lynn cause they went to Niagara Falls and we didn't. It would be unfair to my peoples.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I guess for me I'm not going to police or expect for people who I'm not fucking/dating/involved with to filter their PDA. If I can't handle my EX's new interest then *I* need to take myself out of that harms way. Personal responsibility is key to a good healthy start when dealing these situations.


It would be uncomfortable for My Pack if i got all uncomfy cause their father was doing something with Lynn cause they went to Niagara Falls and we didn't. It would be unfair to my peoples.

I love this.

[Medusa]

Love this conversation!

I think there is a huge difference in dating the ex of a heart friend and dating the ex of someone with whom you've never had an intimate friend relationship.

Scenario: Let's say June and I have been friends for 10 years and have shared extremely personal things with one another in the confines of our private, loving friendship. Let's say that Jackhammer and I are going through hard times and I confide in June about some of it and she offers advice and a shoulder to lean on. Let's say she even offers a "Ohh girl, I think it's crappy that this is happening and can't believe Jackhammer is treating you this way." She listens to me cry, she offers amazing support.

Let's say Jackhammer and I decide to call it quits.

One month later, June is calling Jackhammer (whom she does not have a primary friendship with but whom she likes as a friend) flirting and asking her on a date. What if she has never once in the 10 years of our friendship picked up the phone to call Jackhammer but has chosen this time to express her interest?

Do I get to feel betrayed by that? Do I get to question why my friend of 10 years would essentially smile in my face and offer support during my breakup all the while planning to move in once she feels the time is right. Do I get to wonder if the entire duration of our friendship, she held some kind of secret torch for my then-partner that she was not willing to discuss with me?

What I'm trying to illustrate is the betrayal of the friendship, not an ownership issue with my 'ex'.

I'd probably feel pretty betrayed for having confided in my friend and operated on the knowledge that she cared about the outcome of my breakup because she wanted me to be happy, not because she had a stake in having a chance at my ex. Does that make sense?

I don't even think that is a Femme code. It's a friend code to me. My heart friends, my sistergirls who I will call when I'm at my lowest, those people who get to have access to me when I'm feeling vulnerable? People like Snowy and Arwen and Bubblin' and Juney and Jennifer and Julie and and and, these are people whom I trust to be honest with me and to operate with integrity. I think it's a mutual agreement.

[aishah]

i don't really see that as operating without integrity - that to me is the part where i guess i don't see eye to eye with many posts on this thread. to me the emphasis on values and ethics people have made here makes it feel like this is some sort of moral absolute - which - for me, it isn't. i have values and ethics. two of those are taking personal responsibility for my emotions and communicating fiercely, lovingly, and directly. those are moral absolutes for me when it comes to any relationship. i haven't taken on the friend code folks are talking about in this thread as an unwritten mutual agreement in any of my relationships.

yes, if a friend started dating an ex when they knew it was a rough time for me, WITHOUT talking to me first, i'd be suspicious as hell. but if a friend started doing ANYTHING that they knew in their heart would hurt me without being honest or talking to me about it, or if i thought they carried a torch for my partner for ten years and they didn't feel they could tell me, that's a huge ass communication problem.

then again, if i broke up with someone i'd been with for ten years, i'd expect them to act differently, too. i mean, if rick and i broke up after seven years, i'd expect him to not go out and start acting the fool tomorrow, or totally stop communicating with me. if i thought he'd carried a torch for my best friend i'd be wondering why the hell i didn't know about it for that long.

[JustJo]

Totally get that Medusa, and yes, I would consider it a betrayal by my friend....and also shitty on the part of my ex.

There is an interesting "other side" to that as well. When my sister was married, I became very close with her husband. They were together 10 years, and he became the big brother I never had. I'd go to him for advice and help, whenever I needed that "male perspective" and he stood by me during some really incredibly tough times.

When they split, my sister was furious that I didn't immediately cease any contact with him. For me, that was shitty too. I wasn't saying "oh I talked to Bill today" to her....and he wasn't either...but she expected me to dump someone important out of my life because they couldn't get along.

Loving this convo....important stuff...and good to hear everyone's opinion.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Ding ding ding, girlfriends talk, we talk about the hard shit, the ugly and the joyful. I couldn't even begin to imagine sexy time with JackHammer even 15 years after the break up.

Jack's awesome but it's almost incestual (is that a word) cause you don't have sexy time with family. No bueno!

I'd never fuck/date/move in on my brothers exes (I've no sisters).(born to family)

[pajama]

Y'all know I am a HUGE flirt. Whether people are in or out of a relationship. Some people I flirt more cautiously with, other more sexually with. Both in or out of a relationship. But often (I try to always but always is a big word) I will touch base with people that are in relationships and make sure I'm not crossing a line. I don't see lines very well.

My point to this, is, for me, whether to incestuously date in my community is based on COMMUNICATION. And communication works both ways. If you tell me you are okay with it, then I expect that to be the truth and will move forward accordingly. If you tell me no, then I will back away.

I haven't always communicated well with my partners, but I tend to do it pretty well with my friends. I had an ex that after appropriate time, we became friends, family again even. I found myself falling in love with her partner. As soon as I realized it, I TOLD HER (the ex). For the 10 years that they were together I respected their relationship and even respected my friendship (even when she confided in me that she was having an affair on her partner). (Whole 'nother thread) So, I guess, in part as Snowy said it comes down to each individuals integrity.

I also agree if one is given the green light, be thoughtful and respectful. It may truly be ok with your friend that you date so-and-so, but that doesn't mean it might not sting a bit if she sees it.

Very thought provoking thread Anya. Thank you.

A

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by pajama

Y'all know I am a HUGE flirt. Whether people are in or out of a relationship. Some people I flirt more cautiously with, other more sexually with. Both in or out of a relationship. But often (I try to always but always is a big word) I will touch base with people that are in relationships and make sure I'm not crossing a line. I don't see lines very well.

My point to this, is, for me, whether to incestuously date in my community is based on COMMUNICATION. And communication works both ways. If you tell me you are okay with it, then I expect that to be the truth and will move forward accordingly. If you tell me no, then I will back away.

I haven't always communicated well with my partners, but I tend to do it pretty well with my friends. I had an ex that after appropriate time, we became friends, family again even. I found myself falling in love with her partner. As soon as I realized it, I TOLD HER (the ex). For the 10 years that they were together I respected their relationship and even respected my friendship (even when she confided in me that she was having an affair on her partner). (Whole 'nother thread) So, I guess, in part as Snowy said it comes down to each individuals integrity.

I also agree if one is given the green light, be thoughtful and respectful. It may truly be ok with your friend that you date so-and-so, but that doesn't mean it might not sting a bit if she sees it.

Very thought provoking thread Anya. Thank you.

A

i am a flirt too! it doesn't mean i want you. Some people also confuse being nice with being a flirt...

[Toughy]

It's a shame this is in the femme zone because this so-called code exists in the butch world and actually in everyone's world. I'm with honeyb on this and don't subscribe to any kind of code other than being an adult and acting like an adult.

by Anya

As I have said in many posts since I joined, that is the beauty of the Planet: that we are all entitled to our reactions, both positive and negative and I believe that several folks in this thread agreed and several did not.

I don't believe anyone has advocated dating a close friend's ex without talking to the friend first.

Where folks have had different opinions is about flirting and dating the ex of an acquaintance or someone in your greater social circle.

By the way....like Snow said flirting is not fucking and I have never understood why people get their noses bent out of shape over flirting with someone.....ex of a close friend or not, attached or not.