Everything you wanted to know about dating...

homoe · 11-05-2012, 05:01 PM

Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

*Anya* · 11-05-2012, 05:45 PM

Since I have been doing a bit of dating the last 6-8 weeks, I am more than happy to share my success stories as well as my not-so-successful stories.

I always meet first for coffee. I like having my car in case it does not turn out well and I always pay for myself.

Even though I never say yes without reading profiles first, one never knows what one will find.

The most stable appearing people may not be so much in person. I never let anyone know where I live until I have that first meeting for coffee and never if I don't want to see them again.

I have downed a cup in 30 minutes (when I knew it was not going to work) and have taken 2-hours (when I thought there was potential).

It's kind of like a job interview....disguised as a date.

homoe · 11-05-2012, 06:34 PM

I have to admit I’ve never been fond of the coffee thingy. It is indeed like a job interview and we all know how nerve wracking one of those can be! I think another reason I avoid the coffee date is because I always get the feeling the clock is ticking and I’ve only got a limited amount of time to make a good impression or they are out the door!

genghisfawn · 11-05-2012, 07:01 PM

I generally like to chat for a little while first... when someone says, "I don't like to chat and e-mail endlessly - I just want to ask you out and see where it goes," I know we're not going to be a match. I'm introverted and meeting someone new burns my energy and attention up at an alarming rate, so unless there's something that catches my attention and I really *want* to meet within a few communications, then fine.

I think my worst date ever was with someone who was outright disgusted that I'd ever had a relationship with a man (he was my unicorn, and I genuinely loved him.) She berated me at the table, then excused herself to the "bathroom" (and by that, I mean "never to be seen again.) Cripes.

macele · 11-05-2012, 07:10 PM

sometimes i can trust my first impression sensor deal i have in my 455 rocket LOL, ... and sometimes i need to chill and come back around for a second "whatchoo got up under that hood!".

i miss things. i really do. i'm the nervous type, even though there's no telling what i might say, say just what i'm thinking, ... i'm still so nervous. i like to think she is too.

but i'm not one to give advice on dating lol. you all just give away! i like reading.

Dude · 11-05-2012, 07:28 PM

I love that you started this and I think it will help people
if nothing else than to see other perspectives.

Back in my twenties I had a therapist who told me to go on
practice dates to help me with my non datearound er stuff.
I even told these dates that they were practice dates and
they did not seem to mind. I only had three of them (different
people) and none made me want to pursue a second date.
Then I stopped the experiment ,my ex came back into the picture
and said I needed to date her more , so I did. :]
I still would date her more and again which is why I went
to therapy to begin with. If only we had met later in life , I think
things would have been very different and we would likely still be
together.

Then a few years later I dated two women at the same time. My ego
got big ,thinking I had to choose between them and poof
I ended up with no choice at all.

I used to roll my eyes seeing ads talking about "friends first"
but now I sooo fucking get it.
For me, you have to first be my friend and then stay my friend
or I gotta go.

So, I gotta wonder if that's a reasonable request and if I am
crazy for thinking that maybe a long (?) friendship is the way to
begin. Then , I have also been in situations where it
has been a friendship so long you cant even imagine being
with that person romantically. No sparks.
friendly sparks
is that asking too much?

Then comes the internet stuff , web-caming and what-nots (snort)
I've had woman cam me without even asking
being more than a bit suggestive to get my attention.
oy
and it worked
I was reeled in but I was younger and didnt know jack.
I dont want that for myself , these days.

I think if it is the "right"
someone it will just flow and there will be an equal infatuation
(a desire to learn ALL about each other)
and no rush to consummate things. (Owning "my stuff" as
well here.)
I see things happening at warp speed online and that is
not for me at all. (although I have done the warp speed lust,
I would never be able to say that I loved someone on the
second or third meet up)

sparky , lusty friendship with a heaping dose of kindness
and patience is what I genuinely want

I wont put myself in a position to compete for anyone
nor do I think the person who is "right" for me would
tolerate competing for me.

I've seen many sad endings by people thinking they
have won the prize but it was all just about the winning
and they really didnt even want the prize.

*Anya* · 11-05-2012, 08:22 PM

I do love reading about other experiences and perspectives.

I am an introvert too but find it relatively easy now (other than the first hello) meeting women on a 1:1 basis.

Before that coffee date, some emails and texts are exchanged-I don't go in cold.

This may sound terrible but I don't have a lot of time or energy these days. I want to meet sooner rather than later. Honestly, if I do not have any sexual attraction for the person-I don't get dragging it out.

If I have sexual attraction, then yes, I want to invest the time and attention to get to know them better.

Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex.

I'm no nun. I have jumped.

That is a story for another day...

Greco · 11-06-2012, 10:47 AM

Anya,

Your thread has come just in time. I've tried this once before but now can see how it went the wrong way, you live and learn.

Yes, I have put down my walls and am going to date. For me its been several years, and no not looking for anything but having great talks, fun outdoors, sharing quality time.

Greco

Dance-with-me · 11-06-2012, 11:00 AM

Good thread.

re: Making it clear that it's a date - I think it's equally valid to clarify that it's NOT a date, but is a time to just get to know each other, to see if there is dating potential. I was SO relieved when the response to my asking someone out the other day (first non-online person I've gone out with for over 20 years) was "I can't say that I'm ready for a real date yet, but I would love to get to know you better." That was a great (to me) response and might even be something I might say when approaching someone.

The main dating advice I'd give ties into the u-haul thing: I think there is this u-haul stereotype within our community because too many women find some connection, compatibility and chemistry with someone and immediately start thinking "forever," then when they SHOULD be still just dating, when things start being problems they approach it as "we've made this commitment so this is something we need to figure out how to fix" instead of "wow, I guess we're not as compatible as we thought, and s/he's not quite the person that I thought s/he was." I'm a VERY strong proponent of waiting a couple of YEARS before promising forever and committing yourself to work through whatever issues might come up between you, because you really don't know how that other person is going to be "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" unless you've given it the chance to play out. If the relationship is going to be forever, it can survive waiting a couple of years before making that forever promise. I don't mean waiting two years before promising to be monogamous, maybe not even a couple of years before cohabitation. But an open acknowledgement that we really don't know each other enough yet to promise forever -- a *gasp* period of DATING before getting engaged or married.

Amber2010 · 11-06-2012, 11:23 AM

I agree having a conversation and spending time together just getting to know each other is key. I think I can do that in almost any situation. I am a talker and love great conversations. Friends is key. If you can become friends and have things in common then you have taken the first step. I am never looking for a romance at first I really want the friendship and feel the romance can blossom from that first step of liking each other.

11-05-2012, 05:01 PM	#1
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,548 Times in 14,914 Posts Rep Power: 21474889	Dating.. Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

11-05-2012, 05:45 PM	#2
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,447 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Since I have been doing a bit of dating the last 6-8 weeks, I am more than happy to share my success stories as well as my not-so-successful stories. I always meet first for coffee. I like having my car in case it does not turn out well and I always pay for myself. Even though I never say yes without reading profiles first, one never knows what one will find. The most stable appearing people may not be so much in person. I never let anyone know where I live until I have that first meeting for coffee and never if I don't want to see them again. I have downed a cup in 30 minutes (when I knew it was not going to work) and have taken 2-hours (when I thought there was potential). It's kind of like a job interview....disguised as a date. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

11-05-2012, 06:34 PM	#3
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,548 Times in 14,914 Posts Rep Power: 21474889	Dating.. I have to admit I’ve never been fond of the coffee thingy. It is indeed like a job interview and we all know how nerve wracking one of those can be! I think another reason I avoid the coffee date is because I always get the feeling the clock is ticking and I’ve only got a limited amount of time to make a good impression or they are out the door!

11-05-2012, 08:22 PM	#7
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,447 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I do love reading about other experiences and perspectives. I am an introvert too but find it relatively easy now (other than the first hello) meeting women on a 1:1 basis. Before that coffee date, some emails and texts are exchanged-I don't go in cold. This may sound terrible but I don't have a lot of time or energy these days. I want to meet sooner rather than later. Honestly, if I do not have any sexual attraction for the person-I don't get dragging it out. If I have sexual attraction, then yes, I want to invest the time and attention to get to know them better. Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex. I'm no nun. I have jumped. That is a story for another day... __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

11-06-2012, 10:47 AM	#8
Greco Senior Member How Do You Identify?: GNC, not Trans, REAL. TIME. ONLY. Preferred Pronoun?: REAL. TIME. ONLY. Relationship Status: REAL. TIME. ONLY. Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: In a good life. Posts: 3,200 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,160 Thanked 6,616 Times in 2,285 Posts Rep Power: 0	Dating. Anya, Your thread has come just in time. I've tried this once before but now can see how it went the wrong way, you live and learn. Yes, I have put down my walls and am going to date. For me its been several years, and no not looking for anything but having great talks, fun outdoors, sharing quality time. Greco

11-05-2012, 07:01 PM	#4
genghisfawn Member How Do You Identify?: Femme/Gentlewoman Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Happily married 05/17/14 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,056 Thanked 2,158 Times in 403 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I generally like to chat for a little while first... when someone says, "I don't like to chat and e-mail endlessly - I just want to ask you out and see where it goes," I know we're not going to be a match. I'm introverted and meeting someone new burns my energy and attention up at an alarming rate, so unless there's something that catches my attention and I really want to meet within a few communications, then fine. I think my worst date ever was with someone who was outright disgusted that I'd ever had a relationship with a man (he was my unicorn, and I genuinely loved him.) She berated me at the table, then excused herself to the "bathroom" (and by that, I mean "never to be seen again.) Cripes.

11-05-2012, 07:10 PM	#5
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,230 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	sometimes i can trust my first impression sensor deal i have in my 455 rocket LOL, ... and sometimes i need to chill and come back around for a second "whatchoo got up under that hood!". i miss things. i really do. i'm the nervous type, even though there's no telling what i might say, say just what i'm thinking, ... i'm still so nervous. i like to think she is too. but i'm not one to give advice on dating lol. you all just give away! i like reading.

11-05-2012, 07:28 PM	#6
Dude Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Perusing Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: exit 5 with an exit 21 goal Posts: 1,725 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,351 Thanked 10,605 Times in 1,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I love that you started this and I think it will help people if nothing else than to see other perspectives. Back in my twenties I had a therapist who told me to go on practice dates to help me with my non datearound er stuff. I even told these dates that they were practice dates and they did not seem to mind. I only had three of them (different people) and none made me want to pursue a second date. Then I stopped the experiment ,my ex came back into the picture and said I needed to date her more , so I did. :] I still would date her more and again which is why I went to therapy to begin with. If only we had met later in life , I think things would have been very different and we would likely still be together. Then a few years later I dated two women at the same time. My ego got big ,thinking I had to choose between them and poof I ended up with no choice at all. I used to roll my eyes seeing ads talking about "friends first" but now I sooo fucking get it. For me, you have to first be my friend and then stay my friend or I gotta go. So, I gotta wonder if that's a reasonable request and if I am crazy for thinking that maybe a long (?) friendship is the way to begin. Then , I have also been in situations where it has been a friendship so long you cant even imagine being with that person romantically. No sparks. friendly sparks is that asking too much? Then comes the internet stuff , web-caming and what-nots (snort) I've had woman cam me without even asking being more than a bit suggestive to get my attention. oy and it worked I was reeled in but I was younger and didnt know jack. I dont want that for myself , these days. I think if it is the "right" someone it will just flow and there will be an equal infatuation (a desire to learn ALL about each other) and no rush to consummate things. (Owning "my stuff" as well here.) I see things happening at warp speed online and that is not for me at all. (although I have done the warp speed lust, I would never be able to say that I loved someone on the second or third meet up) sparky , lusty friendship with a heaping dose of kindness and patience is what I genuinely want I wont put myself in a position to compete for anyone nor do I think the person who is "right" for me would tolerate competing for me. I've seen many sad endings by people thinking they have won the prize but it was all just about the winning and they really didnt even want the prize.

11-06-2012, 11:00 AM	#9
Dance-with-me Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: earth Posts: 419 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 1,926 Times in 378 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Good thread. re: Making it clear that it's a date - I think it's equally valid to clarify that it's NOT a date, but is a time to just get to know each other, to see if there is dating potential. I was SO relieved when the response to my asking someone out the other day (first non-online person I've gone out with for over 20 years) was "I can't say that I'm ready for a real date yet, but I would love to get to know you better." That was a great (to me) response and might even be something I might say when approaching someone. The main dating advice I'd give ties into the u-haul thing: I think there is this u-haul stereotype within our community because too many women find some connection, compatibility and chemistry with someone and immediately start thinking "forever," then when they SHOULD be still just dating, when things start being problems they approach it as "we've made this commitment so this is something we need to figure out how to fix" instead of "wow, I guess we're not as compatible as we thought, and s/he's not quite the person that I thought s/he was." I'm a VERY strong proponent of waiting a couple of YEARS before promising forever and committing yourself to work through whatever issues might come up between you, because you really don't know how that other person is going to be "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" unless you've given it the chance to play out. If the relationship is going to be forever, it can survive waiting a couple of years before making that forever promise. I don't mean waiting two years before promising to be monogamous, maybe not even a couple of years before cohabitation. But an open acknowledgement that we really don't know each other enough yet to promise forever -- a gasp period of DATING before getting engaged or married. __________________ Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. ~Mahatma Gandhi

11-06-2012, 11:23 AM	#10
Amber2010 Member How Do You Identify?: Happy, Crazy, Bubbly, Funny, Strong, Outgoing, Friendly Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Complicated Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Florida Posts: 200 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 920 Thanked 594 Times in 154 Posts Rep Power: 3787185	I agree having a conversation and spending time together just getting to know each other is key. I think I can do that in almost any situation. I am a talker and love great conversations. Friends is key. If you can become friends and have things in common then you have taken the first step. I am never looking for a romance at first I really want the friendship and feel the romance can blossom from that first step of liking each other.