Is there a space for women like me?

[Martina]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Lady Snow do you think this should be a no cross talk thread? Also I would like to ask if it is ok that femmes who have never dated someone who has transitioned do not post. What do you think about that?

Maybe only femmes who have dated someone while transitioning or somewhere in the process?

[The_Lady_Snow]

My hope for Femmes is that they can come in here if they date, fuck, are partnered with FTM's that are NOT transitioning (as in body modification), FTM's that are in process of transitioning, and FTM's that are done transitioning.


I personally have a hard time with the word *transitition* because not everyone is going from one phase to another, currently I am with someone who is not choosing to do any kind physical modification because he's a guy, he's not going from one state to another he just is. Then again I get it because for some folks they had no other verbiage to use so they may use *butch* because that is the only word they could maybe identify with, so the next phase of their gender discovery would be FTM. Anyways all I know is when Soon posted in the other thread I understood her state of grief because I have gone through it like she has a couple of times and each time there is a sense of loss for not only what you had or thought you had but because the person you thought you knew suddenly is someone else and you can't figure out why or when or how.

Anyways it's not easy talking this out because it's uncomfortable and honest and sometimes if not all it's us Femmes who once again are dismissed because someone else's shit is more important. That's what is irritating to me is that the continual expectation is that a Femme take a step back for someone else. I say bullshit because as a Femme my shit is just as important as anyone's I am with if not MORE....

[feminality]

Thank you for this thread ... As I begain to put my thoughts down and try to tell my story of transistion the anixity became to much for me. I'm not sure I will ever have in me what it would take to tell my story ...
Just wish to say .... I know there were times when I felt alone, that there was no one else that had gone through what I was going through. It's in times such as this when I stumble on a thread, artical or a blog I relize that I'm not alone ... I am Femme Just a part of a BIG BEAUTIFUL sisterhood ... all you have to do it reach out

Yes there is a space...

[Soon]

The anxiety is really huge for me too, feminality.

Snow, thank you for starting this thread.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I find it extremely distressing that Femmes have anxiety about talking and discussing their experiences. I for one expect that we're able to examine our feelings safely and without uglyness be it from someone coming in and imposing themselves to us being able to speak about out experiences without dragging baggage from past relationships that have nothing to do with the subject at hand.

[The_Lady_Snow]

One of the biggest things I had an issue with my past liaisons was sex. I like sex, I like to talk about sex, have sex, be sexed up, sex up who I am with and not have hang ups when it came to sex. It's been from no sex to sex that was so ridiculously over done as in grunt grunt, I am done. Also the ridiculous reaction to my mentioning Femme cock.

I've had my hand slapped away for having it slip down the chest to far to being scolded for having a relationship with a cock (my own). The attempt to shame me for being a sexually confident woman has been attempted but being I don't roll that way I easily defended and called out someone's own personal shit when it came to that.

Intimacy was a big issue as well, the more cis male traits were adopted or reared their ugly head the more I was aware I was on the path to make a decision that I could not be with someone who feels it's ok to impose isms on me in the relationship. The more someone's body issues interfered with intimacy the more sure I became it was time to stop and move on where everyone was going to be happy meaning no more relationship/dates/sexy time.

[Nat]

this is one of those threads where I keep typing and back-spacing.

I'll try to stop back-spacing now and try to string a few thoughts/feelings together.

My sweetheart believed during her early twenties that she would transition one day. When we met, she said that she'd decided against doing so.

I keep in the back of my mind that it's possible one day she will change her mind. And if that happens, I already know it will break my heart in little ways. Even if I liked every change that happened, there'd be a part of me that would need to mourn those changes too.

I would miss the her that she is to me. I would miss the us that we have. I would miss the person I met and fell in love with. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love the he that emerged or enjoy the us that we would have, but it would be a different fit.

If it made her happier, if it felt right to her, then I would feel it was right and I would be happy *for* her (him at that point), but I'm not so sure i'd be so happy *for* me. I think a lot of that would have to do with how things fell out.

I wouldn't want to lose what small visibility I have as a femme. I wouldn't want my identity as a lesbian to be questioned or threatened. I wouldn't want to spend years relegating myself to gender-cheerleader while watching my own self and identity fade into the wallpaper while *his* emerged. I wouldn't want to lose the sense of community I have with other lesbians. Or the sense of comradery I feel being with another woman. I wouldn't want to live stealth or lie or sublimate myself or my identity so another person could be comfortable in his. I wouldn't want to feel like I had to stay silent or should feel ashamed if I felt angry or guilty or sad over any of the very many things that would change if she transitioned.

There's an ache in me - knowing that other femmes here and among us may be struggling with their heartaches, struggles, fears, grief in secret and alone because being open about it would seem like a betrayal to transitioning partners or even to the community.

There has to be a place for us femmes and enough room for us to be real about things. We are expected to accept, to nurture, to support, to encourage and never to fear or doubt or be confused or discourage or feel angry about whatever gender experiences or feelings or decisions our partners go through (or don't go through). How much of this we place on ourselves or our femme sisters and how much of this is placed on us from outside of this space - I'm not sure.

We are all transforming in one way or another as human beings. It may not always be as dramatic as it can seem when a person transitions from one sex to another. I would hate to see a trend of femme lives stunted while years are spent being rocks for our partners and never getting to find our own wings and pursue our own dreams.

If my love and my life go down the path one day of going through this type of transition, I want to make sure I'm a rock for myself too and that I don't clip my own wings or silence my own voice. If my life one day takes this turn in the road, there will be joy and pain involved. I'm glad that day is not today. I hope if that day comes that I will still have my community, regardless of whether my thoughts and feelings line up correctly with what I *should* think or feel about it.

Anyway, I probably should have employed my backspace more here, but there it is.

I've dated people of various gender identities and stages and definitions of transition, but I personally have never seen a person through a transition. Since I know my attractions, I've known for a long time that I could easily find myself in this position in my life. I learned during my exploratory years that the look, the feel, the chemistry of attraction, the preferences in and out of the bedroom - none of that is a guarantee that a person will or won't identify a certain way or possibly transition - or stop transitioning - or any of that.

So I've become more clear with my own boundaries. I'm never going stealth. I'm never giving up my community. I identify as a lesbian. I have a big mouth. I can be no more of a rock for you than I am for myself. And sometimes I need a rock too. I am happy to watch you stretch your wings and fly, but I want to fly too, to grow too and not just to grow around you. I will accept and encourage and support all I can, but I need support and acceptance and encouragement too. And not just around a partner's transition but about my own finite life and its transformations independent of whom I'm with.

[julieisafemme]

I came out 5 years ago. I left my spouse, told my family and friends and started a new life as a lesbian. I met Greyson and was not looking for a transman or a butch. I just went to a dance. I think the thing that has worked for us is that we have both transitioned together. A teenaged lesbian met a teenaged transmasculine butch! We went through our adolescence together.

I had no anxiety about partnering with a transman because I was not experienced in the butch/femme, lesbian world. I learned pretty quickly that partnering with a transman made me and my relationship different and suspect to many people, queer and straight. In the straight community I was a part of Greyson's gender identity was very difficult to understand. That was surprising to me. It was also surprising to me that in the lesbian community I was not embraced by all. I had the very naive idea that all queer people loved each other.

I am a lesbian femme. I don't feel the need to change my identity. Queer is also a good descriptor for me because that makes it easier for some to understand my relationship.

We don't hang out in exclusively trans or lesbian spaces. We like to and feel most comfortable in queer spaces.

I completely support and understand that some femmes are not interested in partnering with transmen. I don't think they are transphobic. It does hurt when people say "eww" or transmen are this or that. It is not my experience. My partner lived for 30 years as a butch before he decided to transition. He is still a butch. That is his gender and that did not change during his transition.

I do feel invisible as a lesbian. That was hard for a long time. Right now I don't really think too much about it. We are a queer couple and are not stealth. I don't think I could do that. I won't do that.

Sometimes I worry that the "loving a transman isn't easy" puts a huge burden on partners. Loving is hard period! Would my life be any easier if I were partnered with a butch woman? I am partnered with my partner and I love him. It isn't always easy but it isn't always hard either.

There is a space for us. For those who decide that they cannot partner with a transman and those who do.