Neurodiversity

Liam · 03-19-2010, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by violaine

sent from a friend:

".. There are just relationships between two people -- two complex people -- and in some cases, some of these people have Asperger's. If a relationship fails between an AT and a NT, there are too many factors to say for sure that the cause was Aspergers. Of course, if Aspergers (or ADD or whatever is present), it's easy to point to that and claim (and really feel like) that's the cause. But you can't know that.

In any relationship, both people have their problems. I'm sure that, even as an NT, you're not 100% easy to live with. Relationships work because both people are willing to work on, work through, solve, live with or overlook problems. An Aspie is no different. Aspies may have to work harder at certain things, but they can do the work if they choose to. So once again, it's not about Aspergers, it's about the individual.

So the real question is, can you and your boyfriend/girlfriend -- two PEOPLE -- make it work? No one here can answer that for you. But even if you can't work it out, that says nothing about whether you could have a happy relationship with some other Aspie. It just says you can't have a happy relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend..."

-

I think about this often. I've worked very hard on my communication skills, and I have done a great deal of personal work, yet the happy/healthy partnership eludes me. My close aspie friends bring much joy into my life, and I appreciate them ever so much. There are times when I think that is the group women that I need to be looking at for a partner.

violaine · 03-19-2010, 09:52 AM

liam,

yes. dating someone else who is on the spectrum/AT does seem [at first glance] to present fewer complications communication-wise. a lot of the time, i really believe that i can only make sense to the other person when we are no longer involved. here is something i've been considering of late, please-

we are taught that honesty is the best policy ; psychology books, therapists, parents, friends, partners, siblings, et c- sugget that we 'say what's on our mind' and 'don't hold feelings/thoughts in for it's unhealthy to do so' .

ohk.

outside of times being 'light/happy' i've certainly known conflicts to arise whenever i do speak my truth, and am able to freely admit how i feel [all across the board], answer questions honestly, and communicate 'matter-of-fact' without a hidden agenda, why does it more often than not backfire ? ?

several NT's have told me that AT's [by wiring] do try the right communicative efforts- [ironically, this comes from phrases and books mostly coined / written by NT's!]- yet, NT's are not 'used to it being so easy/uncomplicated/natural/open" and are expecting a host of unsavoury layers- because a lot of insecurities/triggers - already in place from ... ?

much too much to wrap my head round. seems to make relationships set up for failure at the onset then.

i would like to think that there are NT's out there who can have The More Serious-type of conversation [serious does not = Negative!!]. are there NT's who do not personalise to a huge extent ; are not defensive as hell ; and when things turn difficult, matters do not get made worse by adding stuff unrelated to 'issues', and honesty/vulnerability/trust/the relationship/people = can remain intact.

is that asking for the moon?

Apocalipstic · 03-19-2010, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by violaine

liam,

yes. dating someone else who is on the spectrum/AT does seem [at first glance] to present fewer complications communication-wise. a lot of the time, i really believe that i can only make sense to the other person when we are no longer involved. here is something i've been considering of late, please-

we are taught that honesty is the best policy ; psychology books, therapists, parents, friends, partners, siblings, et c- sugget that we 'say what's on our mind' and 'don't hold feelings/thoughts in for it's unhealthy to do so' .

ohk.

outside of times being 'light/happy' i've certainly known conflicts to arise whenever i do speak my truth, and am able to freely admit how i feel [all across the board], answer questions honestly, and communicate 'matter-of-fact' without a hidden agenda, why does it more often than not backfire ? ?

several NT's have told me that AT's [by wiring] do try the right communicative efforts- [ironically, this comes from phrases and books mostly coined / written by NT's!]- yet, NT's are not 'used to it being so easy/uncomplicated/natural/open" and are expecting a host of unsavoury layers- because a lot of insecurities/triggers - already in place from ... ?

much too much to wrap my head round. seems to make relationships set up for failure at the onset then.

i would like to think that there are NT's out there who can have The More Serious-type of conversation [serious does not = Negative!!]. are there NT's who do not personalise to a huge extent ; are not defensive as hell ; and when things turn difficult, matters do not get made worse by adding stuff unrelated to 'issues', and honesty/vulnerability/trust/the relationship/people = can remain intact.

is that asking for the moon?

No, it is not.

I agree that I often get along better with my exes once we break up, beacsue then they can see that there is no hidden agenda.

So,

Cynthia and I, after a 5 year break up where we learned more about ourselves, decided to give it another shot becasue other than the attraction we share many interests, goals, morals, etc. I has been way hard work, but after 5 years back together this June I can say that we are happy and well suited.

It's not perfect and we do have to work at communicating a lot, but we are closer than we have ever been. Every day is a learning experience.

It was not like that from day one. We have had really rough patches, but we both are committed to do everything we can to make this work.

Apocalipstic · 03-19-2010, 09:55 AM

Cynthia and I are both on the Spectrum, but still we have huge differences in communication.

We both have to work hard to communicate and have to ask a lot of questions and be patient with each other.

In a way I think AS helps, in that we are both so self absorbed we know more about ourselves than most people do? and can explain ourselves to each other.

Great post Belle!

Best of luck to you Liam, she is out there somewhere

violaine · 03-19-2010, 10:09 AM

my aspie friends do not get so angry [with me or in general] . forgive quickly and have great bounce-back . see a glass half-full . appreciate the little things . acceptance is in abundance with aspies i've known .

it doesn't matter about looks, $, words tumbling out all wrong, being locked inside for a few moments, space-missions, holding someone's space in sitting with difficult emotions/thoughts is possible any hour!, and the kid at heart

is ever-present <3

Apocalipstic · 03-19-2010, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by violaine

my aspie friends do not get so angry [with me or in general] . forgive quickly and have great bounce-back . see a glass half-full . appreciate the little things . acceptance is in abundance with aspies i've known .

it doesn't matter about looks, $, words tumbling out all wrong, being locked inside for a few moments, space-missions, holding someone's space in sitting with difficult emotions/thoughts is possible any hour!, and the kid at heart

is ever-present <3

Very true!

I pretty much have eliminated anyone who does get angry with me a lot from my life. I have been way happier since.

To forgive quickly is a virtue as is acceptance!

and

The ability to not take things personally when I am in meltdown. For me to be able to say I am freaked out and just leave or take some time to myself.

Darth Denkay · 03-21-2010, 09:14 PM

I hope I'm not intruding, but I read over this thread regularly. I guess you would call me an NT - although I hate using the term 'normal' for anything. The reason for my post is that I just wanted ya'll to know how brave you are for putting yourselves out here like you do. I have learned a tremendous amount on this thread, and admire each and every one of you.

Liam · 03-21-2010, 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WicketWWarrick

I hope I'm not intruding, but I read over this thread regularly. I guess you would call me an NT - although I hate using the term 'normal' for anything. The reason for my post is that I just wanted ya'll to know how brave you are for putting yourselves out here like you do. I have learned a tremendous amount on this thread, and admire each and every one of you.

The N in NT stands for neuro, not normal; NT is the acronym for neuro-typical.

violaine · 03-22-2010, 10:54 AM

i love to write [poetry/haiku/iambic pentameter/screenplay] , draw-pencil, ink , charcoal ,& india. photography is a huge passion . while i was in art school [photography], i decided that social commentary was my responsibility. documenting [image+story] chained dogs began years ago, and i use the photos today in order to better serve outside dogs [the ones we all notice who are 24/7 tethered miserably, and basically forgotten souls.] not glamourous work by any means, like portraiture/wedding photography, but connected are two of my main loves: dogs/photography.

i have so many interests from ants to zoological parks [scheduling lecture series!]. ha. i bet many of you are similar?

Darth Denkay · 03-22-2010, 04:00 PM

Thank you for the correction Liam, and my apologies to everyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liam

The N in NT stands for neuro, not normal; NT is the acronym for neuro-typical.

03-19-2010, 09:52 AM	#2
violaine Timed Out How Do You Identify?: atypical Preferred Pronoun?: plague words and phrases Relationship Status: love wise guys of the avian world Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: wekiva springs basin Posts: 3,236 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,934 Thanked 3,293 Times in 1,301 Posts Rep Power: 0	acceptance- liam, yes. dating someone else who is on the spectrum/AT does seem [at first glance] to present fewer complications communication-wise. a lot of the time, i really believe that i can only make sense to the other person when we are no longer involved. here is something i've been considering of late, please- we are taught that honesty is the best policy ; psychology books, therapists, parents, friends, partners, siblings, et c- sugget that we 'say what's on our mind' and 'don't hold feelings/thoughts in for it's unhealthy to do so' . ohk. outside of times being 'light/happy' i've certainly known conflicts to arise whenever i do speak my truth, and am able to freely admit how i feel [all across the board], answer questions honestly, and communicate 'matter-of-fact' without a hidden agenda, why does it more often than not backfire ? ? several NT's have told me that AT's [by wiring] do try the right communicative efforts- [ironically, this comes from phrases and books mostly coined / written by NT's!]- yet, NT's are not 'used to it being so easy/uncomplicated/natural/open" and are expecting a host of unsavoury layers- because a lot of insecurities/triggers - already in place from ... ? much too much to wrap my head round. seems to make relationships set up for failure at the onset then. i would like to think that there are NT's out there who can have The More Serious-type of conversation [serious does not = Negative!!]. are there NT's who do not personalise to a huge extent ; are not defensive as hell ; and when things turn difficult, matters do not get made worse by adding stuff unrelated to 'issues', and honesty/vulnerability/trust/the relationship/people = can remain intact. is that asking for the moon? Last edited by violaine; 03-19-2010 at 09:58 AM. Reason: i must edit 10x before sending! :(

03-19-2010, 09:55 AM	#4
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,362 Times in 2,838 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Cynthia and I are both on the Spectrum, but still we have huge differences in communication. We both have to work hard to communicate and have to ask a lot of questions and be patient with each other. In a way I think AS helps, in that we are both so self absorbed we know more about ourselves than most people do? and can explain ourselves to each other. Great post Belle! Best of luck to you Liam, she is out there somewhere __________________

03-19-2010, 10:09 AM	#5
violaine Timed Out How Do You Identify?: atypical Preferred Pronoun?: plague words and phrases Relationship Status: love wise guys of the avian world Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: wekiva springs basin Posts: 3,236 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,934 Thanked 3,293 Times in 1,301 Posts Rep Power: 0	noteworthy- my aspie friends do not get so angry [with me or in general] . forgive quickly and have great bounce-back . see a glass half-full . appreciate the little things . acceptance is in abundance with aspies i've known . it doesn't matter about looks, $, words tumbling out all wrong, being locked inside for a few moments, space-missions, holding someone's space in sitting with difficult emotions/thoughts is possible any hour!, and the kid at heart is ever-present <3

03-21-2010, 09:14 PM	#7
Darth Denkay Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: I'm good with whatever Relationship Status: in love and loved Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Tennessee (Memphis, from Chattanooga) Posts: 315 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 456 Thanked 463 Times in 150 Posts Rep Power: 891935	I hope I'm not intruding, but I read over this thread regularly. I guess you would call me an NT - although I hate using the term 'normal' for anything. The reason for my post is that I just wanted ya'll to know how brave you are for putting yourselves out here like you do. I have learned a tremendous amount on this thread, and admire each and every one of you. __________________ Darth

03-22-2010, 10:54 AM	#9
violaine Timed Out How Do You Identify?: atypical Preferred Pronoun?: plague words and phrases Relationship Status: love wise guys of the avian world Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: wekiva springs basin Posts: 3,236 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,934 Thanked 3,293 Times in 1,301 Posts Rep Power: 0	talents & interests - what are yours, please? i love to write [poetry/haiku/iambic pentameter/screenplay] , draw-pencil, ink , charcoal ,& india. photography is a huge passion . while i was in art school [photography], i decided that social commentary was my responsibility. documenting [image+story] chained dogs began years ago, and i use the photos today in order to better serve outside dogs [the ones we all notice who are 24/7 tethered miserably, and basically forgotten souls.] not glamourous work by any means, like portraiture/wedding photography, but connected are two of my main loves: dogs/photography. i have so many interests from ants to zoological parks [scheduling lecture series!]. ha. i bet many of you are similar?