Everything you wanted to know about dating...

The_Lady_Snow · 11-17-2012, 09:45 AM

I once had a date with a sweet sweet woman who brought her Star Wars figurine collection with her to talk about during DINNER.

I have to say I was pretty impressed at the condition of her figurines and BORED.

So I payed for dinner, shook her hand and told her it was great but I wasn't interested.

I like to cut things quickly if nothing is going on, some dating lasted longer but if it was just dating then I made it clear it was simply that dating. I didn't have an expectation that a relationship was going to happen nor did I want them to have that same expectation.

That's why dating *for me* is enjoyable, I can date multiple people, or not and take my time getting to know them.

*Anya* · 11-17-2012, 10:03 AM

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

SleepyButch · 11-17-2012, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

Once upon a time... way back in the day... I was attracted to one girl and another girl was attracted to me so I didn't really give her the chance.. at first. The one girl that I was attracted to told me that I can choose who I love.. and after that.. I started dating the person who liked me... eventually fell in love with her and we were together for several years. I was not attracted to her at first but that came with a little time.

I am not saying that this will happen for you. If it's not there.. if there are no sparks.... let go... if her resume is that good.. she will find someone else who will be attracted to her as will you.

Miss Scarlett · 11-17-2012, 10:30 AM

There's nothing wrong with being friends first. I know of several couples who were friends for years before they began their respective relationships. And there's nothing wrong with a dating relationship becoming just friends. It depends on the people involved. You have to do what you're comfortable with...what works for you.

Then again, stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a chance could lead to something very special.

Gráinne · 11-17-2012, 10:46 AM

That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop? And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper? And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

macele · 11-17-2012, 02:22 PM

sometimes two people want the same thing, or agree to the same thing, ... companionship. surely helps with loneliness. we all want to be in love, ... to have that i can't live without you feeling, madly deeply. but a companion can make a world of difference when living life. who knows, being in a healthy relationship with someone that is no more than companionship, ... may lead me to madly deeply with another person (or the same). being healthy in mind and spirit will lead to healthy in mind and spirit people.

this letter to george putnam from emelia earhart is about companionship, to me. it's sad, in a way. but i love the honesty. being mature adults, honesty, ... can lead to happiness.

p.s. a little rambling. who the hell says you've got to get "married" or live together. it's not required to be in love, or whatever each individual calls it.

http://earchives.lib.purdue.edu/cdm4...=0&x=154&y=528

SleepyButch · 11-17-2012, 02:52 PM

So I am back to give some dating advice... take it for what it's worth.

I think one of the biggest things you can do when dating is to pay attention. Listen to the other person and hear what they are saying. Watch their body language.

I think if you pay attention to the little things that she says it can get you some brownie points. So what I mean by this is if you are on a date and she is talking about her likes, dislikes, childhood, etc... if you are truly interested in her, remember some of those things. Later, if you want to get her a gift or do something special for her, use that information that she gave you... like her favorite color... her favorite food... maybe a memory froma her childhood that she cherishes.

Give her flowers (provided you have already found out she likes flowers) in her favorite color, cook her favorite meal, or give her a box of chocolates on a date because one time she mentioned she likes godiva.

Another thing that I find important is to ask about some things before doing. Not everyone wants you to order for them after they have decided what they want to eat. Not everyone wants to be kissed on the first date.

I've been online dating for the last decade or so. It's hard to go on dates with someone who is far away. Sure you can meet on Skype and have a date that way or have a phone date, but it's not the same. When you finally do get together, I think it's important to go on an actual date. I forget this part of it. We meet for a weekend or several days and I don't ask you on date. I just realized this because of this thread. Sure I take her out to eat or dancing but I never say hey.. let's make this a date. I am going to try to make a conscious effort to change that.

That's it for now...

Ginger · 11-19-2012, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop?

If I feel no chemistry, I'm honest about that, and make it clear that if that person and I keep seeing each other, it won't be romantically. The few times this has happened, the other person was cool with it but didn't want to hang around as a friend. Most of us have plenty of friends or don't have time for the few that we have—so, we use our limited free time and energy carefully. I understand that. That said, I know that I've been surprised to realize I'd developed romantic feelings for a friend, once we'd spent a lot of time together, even over a period of years. Sorry, I'm contradicting myself but both realities exist.

And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper?

IMO, because the paper version is just the little sliver of a person he or she wants us to see. In person you see the person's spontaneous reactions to the world, you see how they move, how they sound—all the things they can't control or heighten or whatever, in their presentation to you.

And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

Again, just in IMO—you do all the things that maintain a healthy relationship, focus on communication, etc.—but you know this too, I think.

What I'm hearing between the lines of your questions is exasperation. Quite understandable exasperation. If only the words on a screen were reliable in telling us who a person is and how it will feel to be in their physical presence and how their responses to us will feel to us.

(My responses in purple)

Rope · 11-19-2012, 02:06 PM

Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. So if you'd like to hear it's not a happening thing sooner rather than later, then chances are so would they.

If you wind up going out a little longer than you should have (not always obvious right away), then cut your loses and say goodbye. The longer you linger, or do not tell them it's not happening for you, the longer you're not out there finding the one that is for you.

Chemistry--I don't think chemistry is necessarily there or not right away. I think attraction is or is not there. That is not to say we should act on attraction UNLESS both parties get, that's what they're doing.

Lesbians are horrid at dating---they don't know that the word means 'trying each other on for size'. That said, you may be dating others, and that does not mean you have to choose unless one of those you're dating doesn't understand that dating is not a monogamous venture. I may be making choices in my head but I don't necessarily share them out with those that I am dating.

I say this and not just because I am a person pursuing those interested in polyamorous relationships but rather because it's a part of the U-Haul mentality--SOME can feel you don't really care unless it's exclusive dating, next thing you know, blam you're moving in and you didn't mean to be. Phrases like, 'I couldn't stand it if someone else shared your bed', or 'you'll need to make a choice before this relationship can move forward' are manipulative and people may not even know that's what they're doing---but innocent manipulation is nonetheless, that.

If one of you doesn't make the move--i.e., let's kiss, hold hands, have sex, go our separate ways--then you might as well be best high school girlfriends making cookies on a Friday night. If you're not the aggressor, but you're wishing someone would make a move, then tag, it's probably you that should be 'it'.

Rope--

Ginger · 11-17-2012, 10:45 AM

I agree with Sleepy about all this, and I understand Anya's dilemma. She wants to do the right thing, to be honest, but she is also sensitive to another person's feelings. Sometimes there is no way to do both, be honest and be protective of another person. Sleepy gave some strategies for doing both—don't give certain information unless asked.

All good.

Anya, maybe it's not about the other person, the seemingly "perfect" butch you're just not into that much. Maybe it's about you, that you're not ready, to put it in a tired cliche. That you're still processing your last breakup.

Or maybe, there's something you want, something you haven't articulated to yourself and therefore can't apply to your puzzling non-attraction to the person you're describing.

And in my opinion, you don't have to articulate it. You'll know it when you see it. (Though it's a comment on your own integrity, that you want to analyze it.)

In the meantime, this person is apparently going along with your less-than-smitten response to her, for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn't see it (which says something about how well she sees You). Maybe she doesn't want to see it (which says something about her powers of denial). Maybe she isn't is taken with you as she wants you to think she is.

Lots of maybes, and maybe they don't matter.

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Enough said.

When you do feel it, you'll know it. And it'll be great! You seem so level headed, so insightful, so honorable, so cute. The world is big.

11-17-2012, 09:45 AM	#1
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,670 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Serial Dater I once had a date with a sweet sweet woman who brought her Star Wars figurine collection with her to talk about during DINNER. I have to say I was pretty impressed at the condition of her figurines and BORED. So I payed for dinner, shook her hand and told her it was great but I wasn't interested. I like to cut things quickly if nothing is going on, some dating lasted longer but if it was just dating then I made it clear it was simply that dating. I didn't have an expectation that a relationship was going to happen nor did I want them to have that same expectation. That's why dating for me is enjoyable, I can date multiple people, or not and take my time getting to know them. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

11-17-2012, 10:03 AM	#2
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,446 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times. I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks. I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her. She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch. Oh and she really likes me. I guess I think that I should feel that way about her. Damn. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

11-17-2012, 10:46 AM	#5
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,117 Thanked 7,386 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop? And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper? And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom? __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

11-17-2012, 02:52 PM	#7
SleepyButch Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Dude Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: Taken Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Hidden Valley Ranch Posts: 3,511 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,220 Thanked 11,248 Times in 2,754 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	So I am back to give some dating advice... take it for what it's worth. I think one of the biggest things you can do when dating is to pay attention. Listen to the other person and hear what they are saying. Watch their body language. I think if you pay attention to the little things that she says it can get you some brownie points. So what I mean by this is if you are on a date and she is talking about her likes, dislikes, childhood, etc... if you are truly interested in her, remember some of those things. Later, if you want to get her a gift or do something special for her, use that information that she gave you... like her favorite color... her favorite food... maybe a memory froma her childhood that she cherishes. Give her flowers (provided you have already found out she likes flowers) in her favorite color, cook her favorite meal, or give her a box of chocolates on a date because one time she mentioned she likes godiva. Another thing that I find important is to ask about some things before doing. Not everyone wants you to order for them after they have decided what they want to eat. Not everyone wants to be kissed on the first date. I've been online dating for the last decade or so. It's hard to go on dates with someone who is far away. Sure you can meet on Skype and have a date that way or have a phone date, but it's not the same. When you finally do get together, I think it's important to go on an actual date. I forget this part of it. We meet for a weekend or several days and I don't ask you on date. I just realized this because of this thread. Sure I take her out to eat or dancing but I never say hey.. let's make this a date. I am going to try to make a conscious effort to change that. That's it for now... __________________ . You cannot embrace those things that will not embrace you back.

11-19-2012, 02:06 PM	#9
Rope Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Hy Relationship Status: polyamorous Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: San Francisco Posts: 304 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 79 Thanked 1,277 Times in 212 Posts Rep Power: 8577864	Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. So if you'd like to hear it's not a happening thing sooner rather than later, then chances are so would they. If you wind up going out a little longer than you should have (not always obvious right away), then cut your loses and say goodbye. The longer you linger, or do not tell them it's not happening for you, the longer you're not out there finding the one that is for you. Chemistry--I don't think chemistry is necessarily there or not right away. I think attraction is or is not there. That is not to say we should act on attraction UNLESS both parties get, that's what they're doing. Lesbians are horrid at dating---they don't know that the word means 'trying each other on for size'. That said, you may be dating others, and that does not mean you have to choose unless one of those you're dating doesn't understand that dating is not a monogamous venture. I may be making choices in my head but I don't necessarily share them out with those that I am dating. I say this and not just because I am a person pursuing those interested in polyamorous relationships but rather because it's a part of the U-Haul mentality--SOME can feel you don't really care unless it's exclusive dating, next thing you know, blam you're moving in and you didn't mean to be. Phrases like, 'I couldn't stand it if someone else shared your bed', or 'you'll need to make a choice before this relationship can move forward' are manipulative and people may not even know that's what they're doing---but innocent manipulation is nonetheless, that. If one of you doesn't make the move--i.e., let's kiss, hold hands, have sex, go our separate ways--then you might as well be best high school girlfriends making cookies on a Friday night. If you're not the aggressor, but you're wishing someone would make a move, then tag, it's probably you that should be 'it'. Rope-- __________________ www.ButchFemmeSocials.com

11-17-2012, 10:30 AM	#4
Miss Scarlett Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: . Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: . Posts: 5,530 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,478 Thanked 12,947 Times in 3,419 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	There's nothing wrong with being friends first. I know of several couples who were friends for years before they began their respective relationships. And there's nothing wrong with a dating relationship becoming just friends. It depends on the people involved. You have to do what you're comfortable with...what works for you. Then again, stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a chance could lead to something very special.

11-17-2012, 02:22 PM	#6
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,230 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	sometimes two people want the same thing, or agree to the same thing, ... companionship. surely helps with loneliness. we all want to be in love, ... to have that i can't live without you feeling, madly deeply. but a companion can make a world of difference when living life. who knows, being in a healthy relationship with someone that is no more than companionship, ... may lead me to madly deeply with another person (or the same). being healthy in mind and spirit will lead to healthy in mind and spirit people. this letter to george putnam from emelia earhart is about companionship, to me. it's sad, in a way. but i love the honesty. being mature adults, honesty, ... can lead to happiness. p.s. a little rambling. who the hell says you've got to get "married" or live together. it's not required to be in love, or whatever each individual calls it. http://earchives.lib.purdue.edu/cdm4...=0&x=154&y=528

11-17-2012, 10:45 AM	#10
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,295 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I agree with Sleepy about all this, and I understand Anya's dilemma. She wants to do the right thing, to be honest, but she is also sensitive to another person's feelings. Sometimes there is no way to do both, be honest and be protective of another person. Sleepy gave some strategies for doing both—don't give certain information unless asked. All good. Anya, maybe it's not about the other person, the seemingly "perfect" butch you're just not into that much. Maybe it's about you, that you're not ready, to put it in a tired cliche. That you're still processing your last breakup. Or maybe, there's something you want, something you haven't articulated to yourself and therefore can't apply to your puzzling non-attraction to the person you're describing. And in my opinion, you don't have to articulate it. You'll know it when you see it. (Though it's a comment on your own integrity, that you want to analyze it.) In the meantime, this person is apparently going along with your less-than-smitten response to her, for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn't see it (which says something about how well she sees You). Maybe she doesn't want to see it (which says something about her powers of denial). Maybe she isn't is taken with you as she wants you to think she is. Lots of maybes, and maybe they don't matter. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Enough said. When you do feel it, you'll know it. And it'll be great! You seem so level headed, so insightful, so honorable, so cute. The world is big.