"The Headpat" - A Femme's Place

[The_Lady_Snow]

I tend to experience this here (online) and via bio men and on a bad day when she's cycling my mother wants to do it. It's mostly when I have something to say that is either an opinion or a correct observation. It pisses me off and when I tend to call the person out on it, the deflection and bull shit back peddling starts.

I experienced it with Femmes more on a academic level, it's hard to pick out if said person can pretty it up with big words.

Either way that kind of shit makes me want to yank someone's hair out or at least that's the kind of feeling that arises when it happens.


I see folks head pat submissives.bottom identifed butches, men, transguys that too is tied to some serious sexism and other ugly shit or with butch women I see it when they have opposite views on hard conversations. It's pretty icky.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I tend to experience this here (online) and via bio men and on a bad day when she's cycling my mother wants to do it. It's mostly when I have something to say that is either an opinion or a correct observation. It pisses me off and when I tend to call the person out on it, the deflection and bull shit back peddling starts.

I experienced it with Femmes more on a academic level, it's hard to pick out if said person can pretty it up with big words.

Either way that kind of shit makes me want to yank someone's hair out or at least that's the kind of feeling that arises when it happens.


I see folks head pat submissives.bottom identifed butches, men, transguys that too is tied to some serious sexism and other ugly shit or with butch women I see it when they have opposite views on hard conversations. It's pretty icky.

this. First thing i thought about when i read the first post of this thread.

i've been head patted by someone who made the mistake of thinking i am subservient to the world because i am someone's submissive.

We got that straightened out.

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

this. First thing i thought about when i read the first post of this thread.

i've been head patted by someone who made the mistake of thinking i am subservient to the world because i am someone's submissive.

We got that straightened out.

This is such a salient point from you and Snowy and really speaks to perceived power. (and I don't mean that disrespectfully).
I'll try to muddle through this as best I can - Like, I think about how some of the head-patting I have been on the receiving end of has been from folks who perceived themselves to be in positions of power over me. Either as a Top, a "Daddy", an older person, a thinner person, a more educated person, etc.

How have you addressed this in your own experiences?

I have usually said something along the lines of "You may be a Daddy but you ain't *my* Daddy" and "That's great that you are older and have more experience but this is what *I* have experienced".

I do try to be mindful of my own head-patting stuff when talking to other folks and keep an open mind so that I can always learn from other folks without my own filter of "already know".

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Medusa

This is such a salient point from you and Snowy and really speaks to perceived power. (and I don't mean that disrespectfully).
I'll try to muddle through this as best I can - Like, I think about how some of the head-patting I have been on the receiving end of has been from folks who perceived themselves to be in positions of power over me. Either as a Top, a "Daddy", an older person, a thinner person, a more educated person, etc.

How have you addressed this in your own experiences?

I have usually said something along the lines of "You may be a Daddy but you ain't *my* Daddy" and "That's great that you are older and have more experience but this is what *I* have experienced".

I do try to be mindful of my own head-patting stuff when talking to other folks and keep an open mind so that I can always learn from other folks without my own filter of "already know".

The occasion i am speaking of was with a butch, where i lived at the time, and on a first time meeting at a gathering of a few people.

They got in my personal space and spoke to me the way that is only allowed by Dominant. Not only the words were disrespectful but the body language is what bothered me even more. i was sitting, they were standing and bent down to get in my face. i said something they apparently didn't feel i had a right to, and addressed me in a VERY disrespectful manner, in front of everyone. This happened after a few head pats and there there you little femme you.

i stood up and stated clearly not to address me that way and i won't be shut down by anyone.

i get vanilla folks don't understand protocol at times. BUT this person was under the impression that submissive is submissive to all and furthermore this person concluded that i needed to be kept in *my place* by just their butch presence.

i also got the impression that this person treats femmes like this at times, vanilla or not.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Medusa

This is such a salient point from you and Snowy and really speaks to perceived power. (and I don't mean that disrespectfully).
I'll try to muddle through this as best I can - Like, I think about how some of the head-patting I have been on the receiving end of has been from folks who perceived themselves to be in positions of power over me. Either as a Top, a "Daddy", an older person, a thinner person, a more educated person, etc.

How have you addressed this in your own experiences?

I have usually said something along the lines of "You may be a Daddy but you ain't *my* Daddy" and "That's great that you are older and have more experience but this is what *I* have experienced".

I do try to be mindful of my own head-patting stuff when talking to other folks and keep an open mind so that I can always learn from other folks without my own filter of "already know".

In real time, it's easier to address and snip it right away so it doesn't take root and grow.

Here on forums when I do continue to claim my space things such as this happen:

Deflection

Accusations of being a bully

Accused of being a Silencer

I am now going to put you on ignore

Othered (verbiage as some, those, others)

or my favorite they go after weatherboi

At that point that kind of head patting and irrational sexist imposition becomes comical to me and I just watch and let the perpetrator hang themselves cause they generally do cause they just can't help it. It's nice that here on BFP that Femme's are not expected to sit quietly and let the butch/man/masculine folk run the forums. Our voices are just as important.