"The Headpat" - A Femme's Place

[Angeltoes]

In real life I encounter a lot of headpatting from bio-men. Whether there's something about my demeanor or my voice, bio-males have always been condescending toward me. It's the attitude of 'aw look, she has an opinion' and everything I say becomes a joke or cute. Most women don't do this to me as far as I've noticed. With bio-men, first comes the smirk, then the voice softens or raises an octave or two, then he speaks slowly to me as if to a child. I know who I am now, but it is frustrating. It caused me to develop all kinds of defensive measures namely my self-effacing sense of humor. I basically learned to beat them to the punch and now it's hard to turn that off. I can be humble and try to be gracious, but truly I'm not weak just because I don't fight back. I will simply assume someone is an idiot and not worth the effort after a few chances. Butches don't do that to me to the same degree, BUT I have felt that many butches make themselves the focus of every conversation. They interrupt me frequently or position conversations so that their thoughts and opinions are the default and everything I say is gauged against the standards they created.

I don't know if that’s just my experience or if there's something I do that triggers that kind of attitude. I refuse to act like someone I'm not just to get someone to take me seriously. I won''t engage people like that. They get tuned out and I lose interest in the conversation.

[julieisafemme]

Lucky for me I am so clueless half the time I do not register snark or head patting online. The only place I can say I have experienced this is talking about religion and that was butches and femmes who did the head patting because obviously I am intellectually inferior because I believe in G-d.

In real time I deal with head patting from butches and cisgendered men on occasion. It does not bother me but does make me sad sometimes. I feel bad for anyone who can't see me as a human being instead of a collection of stereotyped gendered behaviors.

[Nomad]

in r/l, whenever i'm head-patted it's typically because i dont, as a rule, tend to be taken seriously in the first place. this is all a huge change for me. 10 years ago it never would have happened.

in a lot of situations i tend to come across as unsure and awkward, at best, and to be reticent in charged situations. i also dont really take myself seriously anymore. less and less so over the last 5 or 6 years actually. i find it unrealistic to expect that people will treat me respectfully if they see that i lack basic self-esteem or that my self-respect is something that resides on shaky ground.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Why yes, I just did.... Imagine that...

[aishah]

i get head-patted rather frequently in real life, although it's often hard to tell the reason (ageism, ableism, sexism, racism). people frequently treat me as though i'm much younger than i am, and talk down to me. i've experienced some of that here, although i've felt more of it here over my age than because i identify as femme. most of my head-patting comes from older white men (and sometimes women) whom i work with. every now and then it'll be from a woman or man my own age or younger.

[Breezy]

I had to ask someone if this meant literally patting me on my head or was I missing something. I was missing something and the butch did not make me feel badly about having asked.

It has happened to me. It has happened so much I did not realize it most of the time. I thought it was normal. I thought it was just the way butches, some femmes, transmen and some cisgendered men behave. I thought something was wrong with me and I must have said something embarrassing or so totally off base others did not want to hear from me. I was so wrong. I am capable, intelligent, kind and respectful. No one has the inherent right to stop me from speaking, thinking, feeling or going anywhere anytime I please unless it s illegal.

How did it feel? It felt belittling, confusing, condescending, anger inducing, crazy making and it hurt. I would wonder what in the hell is going on? Why am I being shut down? Why can the other person say it but I cannot? Why, when my speaking voice is low and kind, am I being told don't speak to me that way? I discovered this is simply the inner landscape of the person speaking and has absolutely nothing to do with me or what I have/had to say. It had everything to do with the speaker.

Has it happened to me here? If it has happened it didn't register. If it has I also look at it this way, I'd rather be happy than right so knock your socks off. I'll walk away and leave you alone with your head patting once I do realize it.

Universe just handed me an assignment, this thread for reading and speaking. I am recovering from being shut down, shut up and told what I said and did was wrong most every time unless it was supportive of the speaker.

Thank you for posting this.

[always2late]

I think I've experienced this more from bio-men than any other group. I find that it happens most often in conversation...either a conversation between me and another, or if I am part of a small group of people conversing. The person speaking (as I said, usually a bio-male) will use a "big" word, and then pause, turn to me, and feel the need to explain what they just said...dumbing it down, of course. This infuriates me. First, if I don't understand something...I have no problem asking the person speaking to clarify their statement. Second, just because I am blonde (oh those stereotypes at work!) it doesn't mean that my hair has somehow seeped into my brain and strangled it. And last, but not least, the fact that I have a vagina doesn't lower my IQ. When this has happened, I've often said to the person "I understood perfectly what you said and didn't ask for an explanation. What made you assume I didn't understand you?" I've never gotten an answer.