Long Distance Relationships

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

I agree with a lot of what you said but I do have to disagree that "it's not possible end of story". I think it all depends on the individual and how they view relationships and love. My reply is based only on what works for me and I am in no way speaking for anyone else, or saying that you are wrong. I am only saying that I disagree.

I tend to avoid falling in love and do not long to fall in love. That being said, for ME to fall in love there needs to be an intellectual connection and spiritual connection that exists outside of the physical. This has a lot to do with my past and my life experiences. I do admit that I am a bit on the unconventional side when it comes to love and relationships.

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did. Granted, I was already in the relationship before I took the job, but having the forced online relationship actually brought us closer together. Since we couldn't be physically close we spent a lot of time talking about our hopes, dreams, fears, etc. It made for a much deeper connection than we were able to get being physically close (not referring to sex) during the previous 3 years. Like I said above, I need that intellectual and spiritual connection. If I do not fall in love with your mind and personality I will not fall in love with you. Physical proximity and closeness are needed, yes. But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

I do agree that physically meeting someone has a lot of value and merit and I know what you mean about looking into someone's eyes. But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person. But again, let me reiterate that I am speaking for myself only and I know not everyone feels the same.

I do thank you for your views and I look forward to hearing others' views as well. And I welcome any dissenting opinions to my own. Disagreeing and discussing it is how we learn and grow.

[Sachita]

Everyone has their own definition of what real love is. My idea of relationship is different from someone else. We all require something different. But I do believe in order for a relationship to fully mature you must be in the same space. You can build, learn and nurture long distance.

That one episode of Catfish where she had been doing it for 10 years was sad and ridiculous. Personally if someone can't see me within 3 months then they aren't trying hard enough. I'm just not going to invest a year of my life hoping something comes of it. I know that some people have declined dating me because I could not ever consider relocating- I have the farm, my business and my granddaughter. But the right circumstances could present and the reality is I could. I could move my business and hopefully relocate my family. Tho this is pretty unlikely.

But if we met and spent time together and all the magic is there then you make things happen.

[Ginger]

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

I could easily do this type of LDR. I'm so busy during the week anyhow. I'm dating now and they visit me 3 days a month and longer on holidays. This is because of distance and work. Its 8 hours. If it was only a few hours I'd want to see them every weekend.

[Metro]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night.

Many years ago I had a similar arrangement for over a year w/ a GF (now ex) before she moved in w/ me -- it just became too time consuming and costly to maintain two households (and spend time commuting between the two places in an equitable way). While I require ample "me" time, from my own perspective the day-to-day of a local or live-in relationship (and potential for spontaneity and everyday in-person experiences) vastly enriches any relationship. I learned a lot about the shared household dynamic in the years that particular ex and I lived together... Mostly learning that I function best in a relationship when the one I am seriously involved with is nearby so we can resolve differences, relish achievements, or grieve loss face-to-face. Altho I am not completely averse to the idea of a LDR, and have tried a few times to establish one (unsuccessfully), it just may not be the best fit for me. I like the ordinary things like eye contact, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing that having someone nearby affords on a regular basis, too. To each their own.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Metro

Many years ago I had a similar arrangement for over a year w/ a GF (now ex) before she moved in w/ me -- it just became too time consuming and costly to maintain two households (and spend time commuting between the two places in an equitable way). While I require ample "me" time, from my own perspective the day-to-day of a local or live-in relationship (and potential for spontaneity and everyday in-person experiences) vastly enriches any relationship. I learned a lot about the shared household dynamic in the years that particular ex and I lived together... Mostly learning that I function best in a relationship when the one I am seriously involved with is nearby so we can resolve differences, relish achievements, or grieve loss face-to-face. Altho I am not completely averse to the idea of a LDR, and have tried a few times to establish one (unsuccessfully), it just may not be the best fit for me. I like the ordinary things like eye contact, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing that having someone nearby affords on a regular basis, too. To each their own.

My situation is unusual in that we lived together for two years, then I moved out, and now we have this "commuting" relationship.

I don't consider her eligible to be my domestic partner for reasons I won't go into, but I love her, and she can be a good girlfriend. There is an asymmetry to the arrangement, in that she's the one with the kid, and has no support except for her generous sister who does what she can. So it's easier for me to go out there, than for her to come to my place. Still, I expect her to make me feel special while I'm out there, and to focus on me. If that wanes, I just won't go. I call the shots now.

[Prudence]

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Prudence

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

That's so true! (part I bolded)

What I've been hearing is that people have what they consider optimal ways of falling in love, contexts they trust more than others.

It seems to vary.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Prudence

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

Your experience reiterated above sounds very nasty and hostile. In which thread did you see this attack because I certainly cannot see it here?

Are we meant to be dishonest in how we interact so that we sugar-coat? If so, I certainly won't be involved in such pretense.

If someone asks a question, if I give an answer, it will be an honest one. No ripping apart but don't ask a question if you might not like the answer provided.

[GPS]

i think that LDR work if both parties are involved at the same level. Trust, commitment, friendship. Rare findings in a small little package.

i believe that if you work hard, play nice and enjoy the scenery together that it will all work it self out.

there are times when eye contact is immediate, but on an all in all basis keep your trust level high.

set your goals evenly and love genuinely.

[*Anya*]

My girlfriend lives about 18 miles from me.

It takes about 20-25 minutes to her house (or her to mine).

In the greater LA area, that's what we call living around the block.

I like it.

[kittygrrl]

I'm afraid all advice is such things will not be heard or forgotten, the heart demands all our attention in such matters

[SleepyButch]

There is no right or wrong way... what works for someone else may or may not work for me. All I know is what I have gone through in the past and how I feel about LDRs. I would never force my opinions on anyone else and I would hope they would not do that to me.

I have fallen for someone before we even met.. the physical part of it.. seeing if we connect in person.. are attracted to each other physically.. have great sex.. etc.. adds to that. I don't deny that I need to know if I connect in person but that does not negate any feelings I may have had before that point. Sometimes it works out.. and sometimes it doesn't.

It is true that many people lie about who they are, what they look like or what they do. That is the unfortunate part about starting online. I think if you pay attention at all, you can see that those things don't add up before you let your feelings get into it... although I know that a lot get hurt because of this very thing. I've had my share of experiences so I guess maybe if someone was new to this "game" they may not realize they are being tricked.

And... If I fall for someone.. I will support them whether or not they are having stress with bills, the queen of england, or work in a circus. Relationships are about give and take. I am not going to stop having feelings for someone because they have stress in their life. I would want them to be supportive of me in the same situations.

Also.. I could meet someone online who looks like a super model in person. We may have great sex but if she can't keep my attention in conversation or make me laugh.. really what good is all that other stuff for long term? That's where the learning about someone through talking whether it be on the phone or skype or email or what have you.. comes in handy.

[Boots13]

I think a LDR can set the ground work for falling in love, but really...how much can you know about the "intangibles" without spending real time together.

I shouldnt even be talking about LDR....mine fell apart. There is no fault or blame, so dont read into anything here. But I am talking about the struggle to keep your eyes wide open.

No matter how much time you spend, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months the stays are just that...stays. Mini vacations, exciting rendevous, hot interludes. Those visits are full of Modified behavior (I'm not going into work today) , easy compromises (short term concessions) , financial excursions (lunches, dates, drives and tours) and just the pure elation and joy of spending real time with your chosen one.

But it is not the daily, unending grind of real time living.

The slow erosion of stress and the tolls of circumstance seem to fade away during a LDR and all of the courting, flirting, talking, exploring that comes with them.

I think LDR's can build a base for exploring future potential, and they work for a lot of people...but I wouldnt do it again. Not for me.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Boots13

No matter how much time you spend, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months the stays are just that...stays. Mini vacations, exciting rendevous, hot interludes. Those visits are full of Modified behavior (I'm not going into work today) , easy compromises (short term concessions) , financial excursions (lunches, dates, drives and tours) and just the pure elation and joy of spending real time with your chosen one.

But it is not the daily, unending grind of real time living.

Not true for everyone, Boots. I'm currently on a 3-week "stay", but U and I are both working. I have the luxury of having a job I can do from anywhere, so I'm holed up in the office at U's while he runs errands and goes to his own work. It's only been about 6 months for us, so this is the first time we've done it this way. I think it's good for him to see me in my full ADD mode - my work is demanding and divides my attention 600 ways at once, and I see him tired and grumpy as he trudges into work at 5am. Also, he has now seen me in my ugly pajama pants, God-awful hair, and pimples.

Anyway, the LDR has been good to us so far. The secret ingredient has been blatant, brutal, sometimes asshole-ish honesty. We have icky fights sometimes, but I can honestly say I've grown a little with each one. We don't make big romantic plans for the future (it's too soon for that); we just take one day at a time.

I've had other LDR's. The last one I had went well; we traveled a lot together which was fun, but when the time came where he was in the hospital, I was there. He stayed with me in his recovery, and when I was horrendously ill, he was there too. Nothing "fell apart" with that relationship, we broke up because of the way he felt about himself - which, near or far, is not something you know about someone right off the bat.

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

[Ginger]

Some of us think LDRs work for us. Some think they don't. The only thing I object to is when someone insists that whatever does or doesn't work for her, will have the same impact on someone else.

We don't react the same in all situations.

What's helpful to me is when someone like Diva explains WHY it's working; what she and her partner are doing to make it work.

Sharing strategies for success can be helpful; we all apply them in our own ways and sometimes they trigger our own problem-solving epiphanies.

I'm a big fan of thinking.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

It's okay if you pick on me.. I can take it. I have a different opinion of why those LDRs where people fall before they meet don't work. I don't think it's because someone fell for someone but that it is because "we" tend to jump too quickly into wanting to live together, get married, be together forever, whatever. While I believe you can fall for someone ahead of time.. I think what makes it work is continuing to get to know each other, communication, and honesty.

At this point in my life, I have a job where I can work anywhere in the country so I could move to be with someone and while that may happen some day, I am in no rush to do it. If the right person comes along, will I wait two years to move in together? I doubt it unless we are already living within a certain distance where we can see each other regularly. It may or may not work but I'm willing to take a chance if I think it's the right thing for me and the other person involved.

To each their own. I certainly am not going to doom someone because they've known each other for only two months and are moving across country to be with each other. I've seen those types of relationships fail and those types of relationship thrive.

My last LDR turned into a six year live together relationship after about three months of commuting back and forth by plane. I think if we would have communicated better over the years, that may have lasted but hind sight....

It would be interesting to hear from those of you who were in an LDR and are now living together happily. What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

Not true for everyone, Boots. I'm currently on a 3-week "stay", but U and I are both working. I have the luxury of having a job I can do from anywhere, so I'm holed up in the office at U's while he runs errands and goes to his own work. It's only been about 6 months for us, so this is the first time we've done it this way. I think it's good for him to see me in my full ADD mode - my work is demanding and divides my attention 600 ways at once, and I see him tired and grumpy as he trudges into work at 5am. Also, he has now seen me in my ugly pajama pants, God-awful hair, and pimples.

Anyway, the LDR has been good to us so far. The secret ingredient has been blatant, brutal, sometimes asshole-ish honesty. We have icky fights sometimes, but I can honestly say I've grown a little with each one. We don't make big romantic plans for the future (it's too soon for that); we just take one day at a time.

I've had other LDR's. The last one I had went well; we traveled a lot together which was fun, but when the time came where he was in the hospital, I was there. He stayed with me in his recovery, and when I was horrendously ill, he was there too. Nothing "fell apart" with that relationship, we broke up because of the way he felt about himself - which, near or far, is not something you know about someone right off the bat.

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

Yup Yup and Yup!!!

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did.

Easily confused or playing semantics I'm not sure which.

However, by real life, I mean experienced some time together in close physical proximity (that doesn't mean sex, just in case you are confused again).

A working relationship is vastly different to an emotional, one-on-one relationship. Your question surely wasn't about maintaining communication? Rather, it was about falling in love. Those attributes are vastly different to functional workplace communication.

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

So can I i.e. I loved my young nephew from the day he was born and I first saw his photo, even if I didn't meet him for some months. However, that's not falling in live.

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person.

That's fine and I agree with this. However, I equally maintain that no one can fall in love, at least not in a healthy manner, with someone they haven't met.

Might be a strong crush or an obsession but I don't see it as love.