Long Distance Relationships

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

[TheMerryFairy]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

I agree with the communication. I am pretty good at sensing things through text or over the phone etc but one of my crushes can't really communicate verbally and has a hard time with eye contact. This has led me to adjust my processing a bit but I think if something were to ever come of it, it might work if we took things slow and worked through it.

I process things through my senses which is hard for a lot of people to understand anyway. I can be "overly passionate' at times but I think that is the romantic in me.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

You've given me a lot to think on, particularly regarding making visits "fantastic". You've hit on something there for me. I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times, and so I tend to feel that I have failed or ruined something when things aren't fantastic. That's probably not something I should keep putting myself, or my love, through.

It is good to hear from someone making things work. I wish for you that your situation allowed you to take the next step in your relationship.

[Italianboi]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

I totally agree with u..is what I always keep saying....pity that not many feel the same....

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

I cannot even fathom international...that would be so difficult on many levels. I find across the country hard enough. That's a great point you make - if someone is willing to fly that far (not to mention the airfare involved), then you they must really want to see you.

I think it is worth it for the right person. But, it's not easy, that's for sure. You have to put forth effort to make the connection stay and the trust to blossom.

You've mentioned several things that made me think. Thank you for that insight!

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I cannot even fathom international...that would be so difficult on many levels. I find across the country hard enough. That's a great point you make - if someone is willing to fly that far (not to mention the airfare involved), then you they must really want to see you.

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.


Of course, there are some added complications in an international LDR which arrive if and when both parties want to take the relationship to the "next" level i.e. transforming the relationship from long distance to a physically closer one, whether living together or not.


However, usually, these challenges can be overcome and if you've got to that stage (that's a big if !), then it's hopefully something worth persevering for.


From my perspective, I cannot give advice on LDRs and any advice I would give would, based on my relationship failures, probably not be worth following anyway. All I'd say is keep it grounded and real - as I think some people who can be attracted to LDRs can be blinded by fantasy and overlook reality. But I'd say the same for relationships closer to home too.