Long Distance Relationships

Boots13 · 12-26-2012, 02:23 PM

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

MegBluEyz · 12-26-2012, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boots13

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

If I may say...I see it as adding love not lonely. I think that the two people have to work together to keep all of their friends and family regardless of where they are located. Visit them often, have them visit you, cards, letters, so many ways to keep the contact and closeness and be supportive. No one should give up any of their friends or family they should be included. Just my thoughts on this.

Boots13 · 12-26-2012, 03:02 PM

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

MegBluEyz · 12-26-2012, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boots13

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

You're welcome Boots!! Still sticking to my thoughts on this as it can be more than four times a year and really depends on the two people involved. If cared for I do believe there can be wonderful things from this but not all the time as in all relationships. I am sorry about what happened for you.

girl_dee · 12-26-2012, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boots13

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

This is SO true. Sometimes i don't think people have understood my feeling SO homesick for family at times. It's my decision to move away (New Orleans is no place to live anymore) but still, it's where my very precious loved ones live so i need to go several times a year.

Sometimes i just feel VERY far away from them and for no real reason, sometimes i just miss them even though i see them more now, than i did when i lived there.

i do not wish to move back, but sometimes i wanna be there, in a moment.

i think it's awesome that you get that.

Ginger · 12-26-2012, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

This is the most thoughtful thing I've ever read in my life (and I'm not prone to exaggeration!).

I moved from Brooklyn to Long Island to live with someone, and one of the reasons I moved back to Brooklyn, after a couple years, was her unconsciousness of, or disregard for the sense of isolation it caused me, even though I was only about an hour out of the City.

I was terribly lonely; she doesn't have friends out there and for reasons I don't want to share, I gave up trying to be part of the twice-weekly gatherings with her family.

Now that I've returned to Brooklyn, we are back to being just "girlfriends," in what feels like an LDR to me, but probably wouldn't qualify as such to people on this site who've had to use airplanes to get to each other.

So far, it's just what I've been yearning for. We've had more dates, more conversations—she calls me every night, and isn't in a hurry; we talk for up to an hour—than in my whole last year living in her house. To me, a good LDR is way better than a painful live-in relationship, and I just don't feel the compelling need to share a home with someone, that I used to have.

But in getting back to my original point, your awareness of how hard it was for your partner to relocate to Your World, really touched me. I hope you find someone soon, in your town, to be with.

Dude · 12-26-2012, 06:38 PM

Boots,
first off , I am so sorry for the both of you (I was rooting hard for you two)
secondly , what a compassionate person you are to see all that
happening in another human being
you literally just told part of my story but with more class than I could likely ever muster

I believe there are free spirit kind of people who can move around
and adapt easily and there are other people who cant so easily
I am a part of the cant so easily club and know that now

one more time
hell of a classy post

edit.
what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands.
that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person who is a fish out of water, floundering and shit

Boots13 · 12-26-2012, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dude

what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands.
that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person

Dude, thank you for your response. I couldnt (wouldnt?) have left because of my career, but I cant imagine I could have done what you did or what any number of people have done with the grace or confidence that I've seen, that is to move for the promise of a future with the one you love.
The bravest people I know are people who have upended their lives for the promise of love and a future together.

You have my admiration for having tried, as several people here that I know have done.
I understand the courage it takes to do this, I' ve seen it...

Soft*Silver · 12-26-2012, 07:53 PM

the two times I moved across the united states to couple with someone, both times the people did not have the awareness of what I was going thru, like Boots talked about.

It takes a very mature and non egocentric person to understand that just because someone is in a relationship with them, the other per son's world doesn't revolve solely around just them.

and sometimes after doing and LDR, by the time you move intogether, it can FEEL that way, because you organize your time around each other's schedule to talk on the internet, the phone, skype, etc whenever possible to compensate for not being able to be there in person.

rustedrims · 12-26-2012, 08:45 PM

All things concidered it is exciting and scary.With the 25 hours between us it has forced us to talk.We know each others fears and triggers.Is it enough??Probly not.We are both willing to put some time in this and find out if it is going to be forever.The twist to this is we are both willing to move and start over in a place that is not fimilar to either of us.Will this draw us closer together or push us apart?Guess that is the chance we are going to take.The phone calls are great and the words are worth waiting for.We started skyping and i am learning that is only going to happen if one of us has make-up on.

nycfem · 12-26-2012, 08:12 PM

BB's and my relationship was an LDR for the first year (nothing terrible, NY / Boston). I remember lots of exciting phone sex and lots of long bus rides on the Fung Wah line that runs all day and night back and forth between NYC and Boston. In fact I was on the Fung Wah when BB called me and told me a year into our relationship that hy'd just been contacted by a head hunter for an incredible job in NYC. Receiving that phone call was even more exciting than the phone sex

. Wow, I was so ready for BB to move in!

Of course BB was in a much scarier position than me: having to uproot hymself from somewhere hy'd lived for the last 20 years and all that goes with that. On the first day hy moved in instead of being stressed we were laughing through all the stress of the move (not to mention I lived in a 4th floor walk-up), and I recall thinking that was a good sign. We still make each other crack up even when things in life are hard.

Over the years, BB felt the discomfort of having moved into my space. However, I was adamant that we must stay because the bldg was rent stabilized (any NYer will understand my sentiments!). Then when an extended construction on the bldg took place (as in years of the bldg flooding and the ceiling falling in, etc.), BB broke down in tears and said hy was not breaking up but that he was going to move out whether I did or not. Hy went around, looking at 10 apartments a day, and finally found one that was perfect for us, smaller but so much more stable than our current situation. Of course I went with hym and ended up much happier than I'd been in the old apt. I think this was a real positive step in our relationship because this new space was neutral territory, and we planned it out together. It was no longer hym in my space but us in our space. It only made our relationship stronger.

Soft*Silver · 12-26-2012, 08:54 PM

Jenn, I have to say, that having an "our" space instead of a "my" space is a damn good idea for any kind of couple. Even tho chrissy and I are not in an LDR, and he is living with me in my space, *I* feel that tug of "my" space.

but because this is a thread about LDRs, let me continue in that vein of thought...

At times, I hated living with the butches I moved across the states for. It was "their" home, not mine or ours. I didnt have much of a say in how to decorate. Or where the spices went in the kitchen cupboards. I had to have "permission" to make changes.

Having a new space, where no one has historic roots or sentimental memories attached, might help a relationship stabilize faster or better. However, if the relationship isnt meant to work, I doubt ANY environment would make it work.

kissinfemme · 12-27-2012, 04:21 PM

My take on this LDR is that the 25 hours that separate us has indeed forced us to talk, about everything under the sun.... our fears & triggers yes but also what makes us tick, our wants, our needs, desires, dreams, our families (dysfunctional as they are, lol), what makes us laugh & sex of course.

What I do like is the getting to know her without the sex getting in the way & taking over the relationship. It seems to me that building the foundation of a relationship on the old fashioned way of talking is surely more solid than on how hot the sex is.... Right?

It does have it's drawbacks, of course, like we don't know if there's actual physical chemistry, no sex (yet), no dates (yet), no kissing or hugging. When either of us has a bad day/moment there is no physical comfort of a touch.

Her voice & her words bring me comfort & happiness, not to mention laughter & the "stories" I've grown fond of.

But we both agreed we wanted to see where this takes us & are willing to put in the time & effort. Even if one of us has to be wearing make-up when we Skype.

In 26 days we'll know whats what & if what we're feeling is the real deal. And if the chemistry is alive & screaming (small pun intended).

Novelafemme · 01-01-2013, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

{{{Boots}}} I remember rooting for you two and am so sorry things didn't work out. I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote above, and it breaks my heart a little to read such a stark and vulnerable truth.

If I were to ever chose to relocate in order to be with someone, the perfect scenario (in my fantasy world) would be that we both do so together. That way we would both be in the same boat and navigating a new life together.

Novelafemme · 01-01-2013, 10:14 PM

oops...I meant to type "choose"...sleepy me

christie · 01-01-2013, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

Boots -

Thank you for saying this. It is incredibly difficult to establish new community, especially as we grow older. The bars hold no appeal for me and I've also found that as I age, my willingness to put forth the efforts and emotional risks of finding and allowing people into my life is just not that profound.

There are times, in this amazing city, I feel absolutely alone. While all of choo's friends have been incredibly open and embraced me (with one exception), I've not found my "own" friends. Given my position of authority at work, I keep boundaries in place so I don't have the option of forming those close friendships.

I'm not sure of the answers... I've thought to expand out into a couple of crafty classes or something, but home always seems to call my name and I become quite content tending to my virtual chickens on facebook!

I'm glad that you brought this point to light because its not something we speak of, and it can be a really big speedbump.

I don't regret my move. Anything but. I wake every morning (cold feet and all), knowing how blessed I am to have such a love. However, I do wish that this piece of it would fall into place, sooner rather than later!

~SweetCheeks~ · 01-02-2013, 01:21 AM

My Gf and I have been doing the LDR thing now for 14 months, and tho it has had it's tough times with not seeing eachother, I am so happy that in a little over a week we will be reunited.

meridiantoo · 03-04-2013, 03:29 PM

I just found this thread. I'm glad to find it as I see many unique issues in the LD relationship situation/dynamic that you don't experience in r/l relationships. I don't state this as saying my LD relationship is not also r/l, it is. I visit as often as possible with her, about 3-4X a year, which, of course, is never enough.

I will be reading through the posts made on the thread this week, but in the meantime, I wanted to make a post.

We have been LD for *sigh* 3.5 years now. These seems painfully long, and it has been at times, but it has also been necessary due to my situation (caring for an aging parent). This is the single most impacting cause for me to fear relocating. I feel guilt and frustration at the same time with the idea of leaving my mother here alone to care for herself. I can move to a state I don't know well where I know few people - I've done that before, no problem. But, it's not going to be easy, that's for sure, this time as I am not 20-something anymore.

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

I am lucky in that I work from home, so I am afforded the ability to visit her for long periods and be available for daily contact quite frequently; this helps a lot, I think. I can't imagine what we would do if I worked a 'real' job and could only speak for a small amount of time each day.

We have already worked through the 'Is she real or is this an online persona' thing as well as determined our level of trust in one another, so we don't have the deceit issues (Thank God).

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?

thedivahrrrself · 03-04-2013, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

......................

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

TheMerryFairy · 03-04-2013, 04:03 PM

I do need physical contact and knowing that about myself makes it hard to consider doing a long distance relationship. Plus I am going to be taking on a traveling business project so I will likely be moving around every few weeks for as long as I feel the need.

However, if I found somebody who understood and was willing to give it a try, I might attempt it. I still would like visits at least every few months but that is something I could arrange on my end, especially if they had other things to take care of.

I can adjust to any environment but I like alone time and intimacy, even if that is not sexual. I love being around people and I socialize as much as possible so I suppose it comes down to the right connection.

12-26-2012, 02:23 PM	#1
Boots13 Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: No Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PNW Posts: 823 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,387 Thanked 2,313 Times in 428 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Consider this : So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward, consider this: the hardship of relocation. We dated for 2 years before making the move. I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished... We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended. Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away. But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you. It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future... And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future. I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

12-26-2012, 07:53 PM	#9
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	the two times I moved across the united states to couple with someone, both times the people did not have the awareness of what I was going thru, like Boots talked about. It takes a very mature and non egocentric person to understand that just because someone is in a relationship with them, the other per son's world doesn't revolve solely around just them. and sometimes after doing and LDR, by the time you move intogether, it can FEEL that way, because you organize your time around each other's schedule to talk on the internet, the phone, skype, etc whenever possible to compensate for not being able to be there in person. __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

12-26-2012, 08:45 PM	#10
rustedrims Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Northern Ohio close to Lake Erie and ice-cream places Posts: 444 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,123 Thanked 2,553 Times in 367 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	All things concidered it is exciting and scary.With the 25 hours between us it has forced us to talk.We know each others fears and triggers.Is it enough??Probly not.We are both willing to put some time in this and find out if it is going to be forever.The twist to this is we are both willing to move and start over in a place that is not fimilar to either of us.Will this draw us closer together or push us apart?Guess that is the chance we are going to take.The phone calls are great and the words are worth waiting for.We started skyping and i am learning that is only going to happen if one of us has make-up on. __________________ I don't want to be perfect because if I was then I will loose the ability to learn.

12-26-2012, 08:12 PM	#11
nycfem Moderator How Do You Identify?: femme sub Preferred Pronoun?: Baby Grrl Relationship Status: Attached Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NYC Posts: 6,794 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 52,987 Thanked 21,427 Times in 5,101 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	BB's and my relationship was an LDR for the first year (nothing terrible, NY / Boston). I remember lots of exciting phone sex and lots of long bus rides on the Fung Wah line that runs all day and night back and forth between NYC and Boston. In fact I was on the Fung Wah when BB called me and told me a year into our relationship that hy'd just been contacted by a head hunter for an incredible job in NYC. Receiving that phone call was even more exciting than the phone sex . Wow, I was so ready for BB to move in! Of course BB was in a much scarier position than me: having to uproot hymself from somewhere hy'd lived for the last 20 years and all that goes with that. On the first day hy moved in instead of being stressed we were laughing through all the stress of the move (not to mention I lived in a 4th floor walk-up), and I recall thinking that was a good sign. We still make each other crack up even when things in life are hard. Over the years, BB felt the discomfort of having moved into my space. However, I was adamant that we must stay because the bldg was rent stabilized (any NYer will understand my sentiments!). Then when an extended construction on the bldg took place (as in years of the bldg flooding and the ceiling falling in, etc.), BB broke down in tears and said hy was not breaking up but that he was going to move out whether I did or not. Hy went around, looking at 10 apartments a day, and finally found one that was perfect for us, smaller but so much more stable than our current situation. Of course I went with hym and ended up much happier than I'd been in the old apt. I think this was a real positive step in our relationship because this new space was neutral territory, and we planned it out together. It was no longer hym in my space but us in our space. It only made our relationship stronger. __________________ *** How do I... ?** Check out the Members Helping Members thread: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...embers+Helping

12-26-2012, 08:54 PM	#12
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	Jenn, I have to say, that having an "our" space instead of a "my" space is a damn good idea for any kind of couple. Even tho chrissy and I are not in an LDR, and he is living with me in my space, I feel that tug of "my" space. but because this is a thread about LDRs, let me continue in that vein of thought... At times, I hated living with the butches I moved across the states for. It was "their" home, not mine or ours. I didnt have much of a say in how to decorate. Or where the spices went in the kitchen cupboards. I had to have "permission" to make changes. Having a new space, where no one has historic roots or sentimental memories attached, might help a relationship stabilize faster or better. However, if the relationship isnt meant to work, I doubt ANY environment would make it work. __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

12-26-2012, 03:02 PM	#3
Boots13 Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: No Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PNW Posts: 823 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,387 Thanked 2,313 Times in 428 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

12-26-2012, 06:38 PM	#7
Dude Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Perusing Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: exit 5 with an exit 21 goal Posts: 1,725 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,351 Thanked 10,605 Times in 1,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Boots, first off , I am so sorry for the both of you (I was rooting hard for you two) secondly , what a compassionate person you are to see all that happening in another human being you literally just told part of my story but with more class than I could likely ever muster I believe there are free spirit kind of people who can move around and adapt easily and there are other people who cant so easily I am a part of the cant so easily club and know that now one more time hell of a classy post edit. what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands. that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person who is a fish out of water, floundering and shit

12-27-2012, 04:21 PM	#13
kissinfemme Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Footloose & fancy free Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Out west, ya'll Posts: 185 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,131 Thanked 1,112 Times in 164 Posts Rep Power: 17721833	My take on this LDR is that the 25 hours that separate us has indeed forced us to talk, about everything under the sun.... our fears & triggers yes but also what makes us tick, our wants, our needs, desires, dreams, our families (dysfunctional as they are, lol), what makes us laugh & sex of course. What I do like is the getting to know her without the sex getting in the way & taking over the relationship. It seems to me that building the foundation of a relationship on the old fashioned way of talking is surely more solid than on how hot the sex is.... Right? It does have it's drawbacks, of course, like we don't know if there's actual physical chemistry, no sex (yet), no dates (yet), no kissing or hugging. When either of us has a bad day/moment there is no physical comfort of a touch. Her voice & her words bring me comfort & happiness, not to mention laughter & the "stories" I've grown fond of. But we both agreed we wanted to see where this takes us & are willing to put in the time & effort. Even if one of us has to be wearing make-up when we Skype. In 26 days we'll know whats what & if what we're feeling is the real deal. And if the chemistry is alive & screaming (small pun intended). __________________ kissinfemme

01-01-2013, 10:14 PM	#15
Novelafemme Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ........ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ........ Posts: 2,402 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,981 Thanked 8,925 Times in 1,834 Posts Rep Power: 0	oops...I meant to type "choose"...sleepy me

01-02-2013, 01:21 AM	#17
~SweetCheeks~ Member How Do You Identify?: femme-babygirl-brat Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Justin's babygirl Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: So Cal Posts: 733 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,608 Thanked 3,253 Times in 646 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	My Gf and I have been doing the LDR thing now for 14 months, and tho it has had it's tough times with not seeing eachother, I am so happy that in a little over a week we will be reunited.

03-04-2013, 03:29 PM	#18
meridiantoo Member How Do You Identify?: A Speck in the Milky Way Preferred Pronoun?: Her, She Relationship Status: Monogamous relationship Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: The Milky Way Posts: 1,441 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,806 Thanked 2,297 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 16305605	In a LD relationship...just found this thread I just found this thread. I'm glad to find it as I see many unique issues in the LD relationship situation/dynamic that you don't experience in r/l relationships. I don't state this as saying my LD relationship is not also r/l, it is. I visit as often as possible with her, about 3-4X a year, which, of course, is never enough. I will be reading through the posts made on the thread this week, but in the meantime, I wanted to make a post. We have been LD for sigh 3.5 years now. These seems painfully long, and it has been at times, but it has also been necessary due to my situation (caring for an aging parent). This is the single most impacting cause for me to fear relocating. I feel guilt and frustration at the same time with the idea of leaving my mother here alone to care for herself. I can move to a state I don't know well where I know few people - I've done that before, no problem. But, it's not going to be easy, that's for sure, this time as I am not 20-something anymore. The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes. I am lucky in that I work from home, so I am afforded the ability to visit her for long periods and be available for daily contact quite frequently; this helps a lot, I think. I can't imagine what we would do if I worked a 'real' job and could only speak for a small amount of time each day. We have already worked through the 'Is she real or is this an online persona' thing as well as determined our level of trust in one another, so we don't have the deceit issues (Thank God). Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part? __________________ “Human nature is like water. It takes the shape of its container.” ― Wallace Stevens

03-04-2013, 04:03 PM	#20
TheMerryFairy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Pansexual/Sapiosexual femmey dyke who likes to crossdress now and then Preferred Pronoun?: She/her OR ze if I'm crossdressing Relationship Status: Floating and walking My path, happy in life. Join Date: Dec 2012 Location: On my Merry Fairy way! , Canada Posts: 3,630 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,727 Thanked 8,694 Times in 2,987 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I do need physical contact and knowing that about myself makes it hard to consider doing a long distance relationship. Plus I am going to be taking on a traveling business project so I will likely be moving around every few weeks for as long as I feel the need. However, if I found somebody who understood and was willing to give it a try, I might attempt it. I still would like visits at least every few months but that is something I could arrange on my end, especially if they had other things to take care of. I can adjust to any environment but I like alone time and intimacy, even if that is not sexual. I love being around people and I socialize as much as possible so I suppose it comes down to the right connection.