Infidelity

[Kobi]

With the Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock ( who in their right mind would cheat on Sandra Bullock????) issues of late. I am wondering what people think of fidelity in relationships these days. Is it an outdated concept?
How do you think you would react if you found out your partner was cheating?

Personally, I still think monogamy is my relationship mode of choice because I like things simple and predictable. And I suspect if I found out my partner was cheating on me, I would be throwing their belongings out a second story window - its the Italian in me.

[layla]

well ppl are different ... ppl want different things...as long as they are open and honest about it all... there should be no problem... life is strange all sorts of thing happen.... we are not to judge anyone what so ever.... we have the right to be or not be involved with ppl based on their actions and things they do... other then that... free will

I personally might be one of very few who still believe in monogamy....
I still believe in love...and yes am a little selfish and prefer my partner to be a little to a lot selfish too... but yes I do believe in finding the one.... Don't know maybe it's a catholic toxin speaking from my brain lol ...but yes... I do believe in commitment and all....
and it is true I am a very very bad and sinful and naughty catholic but still catholic therefor must blame that for serious monogamy view lol now that sounds just so bad...

[bigbutchmistie]

When I partner I give of myself whole heartedly. Heart mind body and soul. I cant even look at someone else without feeling like I am "cheating". Im very old fashioned..

You cant be a partner of mine unless I trust you implicitly. If I found out I was being cheated on its really simple Im done. No taking someone back, working on it. Nothing. Without trust there is nothing.

[Blade]

I was an only child for 8 years so when my sister came along we were to far apart to have the same toys. Besides she didn't like my toys. LOL

So umm I don't share well, actually I don't share at all. If I found out my partner was cheating, I'd have two words for her, THE END. Followed by have a nice life, and remember what goes around comes around.

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by Blade

I was an only child for 8 years so when my sister came along we were to far apart to have the same toys. Besides she didn't like my toys. LOL

So umm I don't share well, actually I don't share at all. If I found out my partner was cheating, I'd have two words for her, THE END. Followed by have a nice life, and remember what goes around comes around.

EXACTLY!!!!! I like that what goes around comes around...

[miss entycing]

god help ya if I found out- or catch ya... for real.

somebody's ass would be stomped.

[MrSunshine]

Cheaters suck! and obviously more than one person. Why bother, grow a set and be honest.

[SuperFemme]

I guess one never really knows what they'll do until they find themselves in an unfortunate and un-negotiated position.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Life changes very drastically at a moments notice. You may be with someone for a day, or 10 years...and boom. It is like a Tyler Perry movie "Why Did I Get Married?" and "Why Did I Get Married Too?". Life is full of chaos. I just roll with the waves.

I was thinking the other day about what has happened to those that I know in real time. This is my list:

*natural disasters
*homeless
*hungry and poor/sick children
*sick (mentally)
*termin. ill
*death
*divorcing
*economy bottomed out
*loss job (full and/or part-time)
*loss of benefits
*loss of car
*addict of some sort

So with this list I have in hand, I think anything can happen anytime to anyone. There are no guarantees in life. Life is hard, unfair, and unjust. It is not our job to judge. We have no idea of what happens behind closed doors. I will let God handle judgement. I am not going to step in His place. Just remember it takes 2 people to tango, not 1. Two people. Unless this is about poly relationships, then I am in the wrong thread.

I am a peacemaker. I try to make people understand each other, to a point of understanding. At my niece's wedding this past weekend, I got my bio-mother to attend. For the last 10 years words were never spoken between my mother and my sister or niece. I am the one who intervened, and got them to talk. Life is too short. We all witnessed it with the loss of our sister JoAnn. Even at the funeral, no words were spoken. Nothing. It was horrible. So, at this happy event, I was not about to let this opportunity go by without at least trying.

[Rook]

I'm under the impression that the underlying message here is that Monogamy is the only way to succeed in trustworthy Love?
There are some who would say otherwise.
Being polyamorous doesn't equate infidelity{if All involved agree with each others limits}, however, in Both there's no guarantees, one is as difficult as the other, if not more in the Trust issue..
If I misunderstood, My apology.
That being said..
Should I catch my companion{s} cheating, or suspect it with valid proof..
I walk..
I don't listen to excuses, lies or wild tales of confusion, if you were capable of going around behind my back, and hiding it, I don't have to hear a peep about just how much you truly care for me, why should I? I won't believe a word anyways, so spare me the drama.

[Soft*Silver]

deep heavy sigh

I have been cheated on. It caused me to lose my family farm. And a 7 year marriage to my butch husband. Gave my 17 year old daughter shingles and almost ruined her college dreams. I had to sell my family heirlooms to her in college. I had to sell all my beautiful horses. Then he called me and said he knows how it felt because she did the same thing to him just a couple months after he left me for her.

I dont know if he wanted pity or to return home. Neither was given.

I almost lost my mind over this. All it would have taken, seriously, was for him to butch up and put on his big boy panties and tell me he wanted to move on. Instead, he told me on a Thursday and was gone with no forwarding address on Saturday. I had a field of horses, a kid graduating and no money in the bank and no hay in the barn. My utilities were on shut off and he hadnt paid our mortage in months...

people turn into totally different people when they cheat.

but then, maybe not. He cheated with the woman before me. She was married and he had a 2 year relationship with her.

So I think, cheaters are cheaters and once done, in any direction, its prone to happen again.

I have had two more people cheat on me since then, but they didnt do as much damage as this one did. This one threw me, and I ended up losing so much that I am still financially recovering from it.

Infidelity isnt, to me, about the fact that my partner is fucking someone else. And thats what it is, because if you are partnered, you are fucking someone else. You can call it making love but trust me, you are fucking them.

Infidelity to me is about the incredible web of lies and deceptions played out on the partner and the assumption that the partner is so stupid that the obvious signs can be denied and therefore, believed. It is such a smack in the face to my intelligence, my sensitivity and respect for me as a woman, let alone as a partner. There is no reason in the world why it is ok for someone who made a committment to someone, to look outside of the relationship for what a partner is suppose to give.

No matter how its justified.

Infidelity strips the clothes off someone, makes them stand nakkid in front of the enture world and humliates them when being stared at as the innocent but stupid victim of the person who everyone knew was cheating but you...

infidelity does indeed harden the nipples, dampens the nether regions, flushes the flesh..but only of the two out of three

the third person gets to howl into the night, cry a river of tears that never seems to end, and blackens their heart so that no one will ever get that level of trust in this lifetime again.

Infidelity is for the weak...they have no backbone to do the right thing. They have no brain to have a conciousness. They have no heart to know the depth to which they are going to seriously injure the person they once promised to love. Infidels are cowards....

in saying all this...it would be a cold day in hell before I would forgive someone who cheated on me, specifically more so if they knew my history of having been victimized by a cheater and his more than opportuned GF.

so no, its not an outdated concept....and no, I would not stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on me....

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by softness

deep heavy sigh

I have been cheated on. It caused me to lose my family farm. And a 7 year marriage to my butch husband. Gave my 17 year old daughter shingles and almost ruined her college dreams. I had to sell my family heirlooms to her in college. I had to sell all my beautiful horses. Then he called me and said he knows how it felt because she did the same thing to him just a couple months after he left me for her.

I dont know if he wanted pity or to return home. Neither was given.

I almost lost my mind over this. All it would have taken, seriously, was for him to butch up and put on his big boy panties and tell me he wanted to move on. Instead, he told me on a Thursday and was gone with no forwarding address on Saturday. I had a field of horses, a kid graduating and no money in the bank and no hay in the barn. My utilities were on shut off and he hadnt paid our mortage in months...

people turn into totally different people when they cheat.

but then, maybe not. He cheated with the woman before me. She was married and he had a 2 year relationship with her.

So I think, cheaters are cheaters and once done, in any direction, its prone to happen again.

I have had two more people cheat on me since then, but they didnt do as much damage as this one did. This one threw me, and I ended up losing so much that I am still financially recovering from it.

Infidelity isnt, to me, about the fact that my partner is fucking someone else. And thats what it is, because if you are partnered, you are fucking someone else. You can call it making love but trust me, you are fucking them.

Infidelity to me is about the incredible web of lies and deceptions played out on the partner and the assumption that the partner is so stupid that the obvious signs can be denied and therefore, believed. It is such a smack in the face to my intelligence, my sensitivity and respect for me as a woman, let alone as a partner. There is no reason in the world why it is ok for someone who made a committment to someone, to look outside of the relationship for what a partner is suppose to give.

No matter how its justified.

Infidelity strips the clothes off someone, makes them stand nakkid in front of the enture world and humliates them when being stared at as the innocent but stupid victim of the person who everyone knew was cheating but you...

infidelity does indeed harden the nipples, dampens the nether regions, flushes the flesh..but only of the two out of three

the third person gets to howl into the night, cry a river of tears that never seems to end, and blackens their heart so that no one will ever get that level of trust in this lifetime again.

Infidelity is for the weak...they have no backbone to do the right thing. They have no brain to have a conciousness. They have no heart to know the depth to which they are going to seriously injure the person they once promised to love. Infidels are cowards....

in saying all this...it would be a cold day in hell before I would forgive someone who cheated on me, specifically more so if they knew my history of having been victimized by a cheater and his more than opportuned GF.

so no, its not an outdated concept....and no, I would not stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on me....

I cant double your thanks so Im a do it here THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU wonderful post my friend...

I am sorry that all of that happened to you

[Rockinonahigh]

One thing I know is that over the years I have lost a lot of trust,expectation,hopes and dreams about ever really trusting anyone because of what I have gone thrue in my relationships both personal and with colse family.I've been to hell and back in my life and it is still takeing me time to realise I now have a real home that unless something really really big happends,will be hear for me to call home and that all the utilities work nd I will be warm when its cold.Many wonder why I dont really take the time to date,have a relationship ect...its just to much to explane to them but they dont need to know anyway.
Yep the liers,cheaters and users of the world can and do take everything out of the ppl they hurt..they dont care they just keep on useing and hurting ppl to get what they want.Folks, u know what? Sooner or later they get it back cause one of these days someone with worse carma than they have will get em good.

[Laidbackgrly]

well ive been cheated on too i do beleive in Karma ive seen it right befor my own eyes

[Soft*Silver]

uhmmm...I dont see karma as a big paddle with holes in it for more effect. Karma is a sacred path that helps people evolve. It raises their consciousness and leads them by the spiritual hand to make ammends, which is so much more than a simple "I am sorry". Real ammends means you have gone thru and done whatever you need to do to make sure it wont happen again. And I think the ammends is also flavored with atonement, where they humbly realize they had faulty thinking and behavior and that upon recognizing it, grow into a larger spiritual being.

I actully am done being mad at him ... I actually understand why he did it. I can even see my part in it. If he needed something more than likely I would try to help him out. But you have to realize it took me years and lots of prayers and burning candles and well, hollering at the moon, to get where I am spiritually with this...

[Random]

For me...

Cheating is my partner developing feelings for someone, acting on those feelings and not telling me about it..

Mic and I define and redefine what we expect from each other, what is cheating, what are hard limits? What is going to cause a crack in our foundation?

If my partner meets someone and there is chemistry or sparks and she acts on that chemistry, spark, attraction.. Then she needs to tell me about it.. Before hand would be nice, but truthfuly, as long as she practice safe sex and has a good time and tells me about it.. It's all good..

That has nothing to do with our relationship.. What she might have with someone else doesn't take anything from our relationship.

Now Lying or Hiding something... well.. that doesn't work.. That would break the rules of our relationship.. That would cause a weak spot in our foundation.. A crack that could be patched, but the scar would always be there.. During a earthquake, it would be a weak spot..

We both have had partners cheat long term on us.. The pain that it caused was quite unnescesary..We both agree.. If it ever came to a place where one of us wanted someone else beyond wanting each other.. Then each other will be the first to know.. not the last... Truth, even when brutally honest, is
the rule...

[Gemme]

The problem with cheating is that the deception and secrecy and lies that come hand in hand with it create a rift. It separates the couple as well as affecting future relationships associated with the person who was cheated on. Not entirely unlike an STD or a virus, it keeps giving itself over and over, with every new partner the cheated on person has a relationship with. It grows and festers and creates a deep-seated distrust of any and all partners, because of the actions of one person. One person's tainted seed ruins all future gardens.

Or maybe it's just me.

[Random]

Originally Posted by Gemme

The problem with cheating is that the deception and secrecy and lies that come hand in hand with it create a rift. It separates the couple as well as affecting future relationships associated with the person who was cheated on. Not entirely unlike an STD or a virus, it keeps giving itself over and over, with every new partner the cheated on person has a relationship with. It grows and festers and creates a deep-seated distrust of any and all partners, because of the actions of one person. One person's tainted seed ruins all future gardens.

Or maybe it's just me.

For me.. you hit it on the nail... It's the dishonesty, the lies.. It effects not only the pair bonding but your trust in yourself... How did I not see that this person was capible of this? How did I not see the signs.. Then there is the ever famous... *I know that xxxx loved me beyond words, I know that is true.. I would have bet my life that they would never lie to me.. Never willingly hurt me... If they could do this to me, being who they are, then how can I trust anyone ever to be honest with me again? How can I belive in a world where the only truth was a lie?*

It shifts your world view and changes who you are...

I know for me... It wasn't all bad.. It made me grow up and see the world as it is.. It made me aware, made me self reliant.. it turned me into someone who is mistress of her own house, her own heart... Lol.. It turned the princess into a Queen...

[Deborah]

DEAL BREAKER for me...no I'm sorry, no lets try again, no no no no....and that is the first thing I tell anyone that I am going into a relationship with. If your attention is drawn away from me to someone else - I say 'if they can get you they can have you' because you aren't the person I want...end of story....next!

[Apocalipstic]

I think if you know you can't stick to one person (and you do know that) decide to be Polyamorous or have an open relationship.

Lies and secrets suck!

I don't have the nerves for more than one woman. The very thought gives me a headache!