Infidelity

[Deborah]

DEAL BREAKER for me...no I'm sorry, no lets try again, no no no no....and that is the first thing I tell anyone that I am going into a relationship with. If your attention is drawn away from me to someone else - I say 'if they can get you they can have you' because you aren't the person I want...end of story....next!

[Apocalipstic]

I think if you know you can't stick to one person (and you do know that) decide to be Polyamorous or have an open relationship.

Lies and secrets suck!

I don't have the nerves for more than one woman. The very thought gives me a headache!

[Apocalipstic]

Oh......

And,

If someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you later?

DUH.

[Random]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Oh......

And,

If someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you later?

DUH.

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Random

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

Agreed. I did have a partner who cheated on me and one who was already moving on before we broken up. That said, I believe that they are faithful to the partners they are with now and are happier. I had tried to resolve things with a partner who had cheated on me but I've found once it's done, it's hard to trust again. It is certainly my own issue (I'll admit to lingering trust and abandonment issues) but it's an issue nonetheless.

I find it frustrating in that if the person had spoken to me about whatever had caused them to stray we could have either resolved together to separate amicably or entered into a poly relationship (if all parties were inclined and opened for that).

Today, if it is happens, the existing relationship will be over and I'll be moving on. Given my previous experience and knowing myself I know it'll be better in the long run.

[Random]

Originally Posted by Linus

Agreed. I did have a partner who cheated on me and one who was already moving on before we broken up. That said, I believe that they are faithful to the partners they are with now and are happier. I had tried to resolve things with a partner who had cheated on me but I've found once it's done, it's hard to trust again. It is certainly my own issue (I'll admit to lingering trust and abandonment issues) but it's an issue nonetheless.

I find it frustrating in that if the person had spoken to me about whatever had caused them to stray we could have either resolved together to separate amicably or entered into a poly relationship (if all parties were inclined and opened for that).

Today, if it is happens, the existing relationship will be over and I'll be moving on. Given my previous experience and knowing myself I know it'll be better in the long run.

Nods.. I know that to my ex, our relationship had ended and she moved on.. lol.. she just forgot to tell me about it.. She did what was best for her.. Just went about it in a not so great way... As far as I know.. Her and her wife are happy as a lark..

For me... If my partner was having an affair, then the relationship would be ended... Because it would mean she chose to put someone else ahead of our relationship (which I view as a living thing on it's own) It would mean that she threw away all the hard work, tears, freaking eons of talking.. It would mean that her priorities had shifted and someone else was more important than the base *US*...

For me.. Being Poly isn't easy.. It doesn't mean that you just do anything you want and your partner is fine with it... It's a lot of hard work and talking, and talking, and defining, and redefining what your relationship is.. It's also talking about what happens if your partner falls in love with someone that you don't like, don't respect, someone who doesn't want to put the work into being more than a paired couple..

If she fell for someone who didn't want to be part of *US*, Someone that I just couldn't stand..And we had talked about it until we were blue in the face.. and kept seeing that person without me knowing it... ummmm.. ya.. no.. That would be a very bad thing and it would cost her me.. Vis versa...

I won't be lied to on that level.. there is not need.. You have to make hard choices sometimes.. What do you want more?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Random

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

In My experience when I have dated someone who cheated to be with Me, eventually they cheated on Me.

I agree, if you are over your relationship, grow a set and break up respectfully.

[Random]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

In My experience when I have dated someone who cheated to be with Me, eventually they cheated on Me.

I agree, if you are over your relationship, grow a set and break up respectfully.

I see a pattern with the people you were dating..

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by Random

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

My cheater told me this (see in red). What he REALLY meant, was he didnt want to hurt himself. He didnt want to go thru the parade of emotions that HIS behavior was going to cause me. He knew I would be hurt and did it anyway (cheated) so MY being hurt wasnt the real issue. What was the real issue was he wanted not to feel the consequences of his deliberate, conscious act of infidelity. Again, being unfaithful is an act of a coward.

[Random]

Originally Posted by softness

My cheater told me this (see in red). What he REALLY meant, was he didnt want to hurt himself. He didnt want to go thru the parade of emotions that HIS behavior was going to cause me. He knew I would be hurt and did it anyway (cheated) so MY being hurt wasnt the real issue. What was the real issue was he wanted not to feel the consequences of his deliberate, conscious act of infidelity. Again, being unfaithful is an act of a coward.

Exactly.. Did not want the consequence that came from breaking up with someone.. Don't want to face the pain and the hurt that his actions caused..

Which in my mind.. (now that I am grown a bit) is silly.. cause unless you just disapper of the face of the earth.. It's going to happen..

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by Random

Exactly.. Did not want the consequence that came from breaking up with someone.. Don't want to face the pain and the hurt that his actions caused..

Which in my mind.. (now that I am grown a bit) is silly.. cause unless you just disapper of the face of the earth.. It's going to happen..

cheaters work on the principal of denial. They think, in their little heads, that if they cover up their steps no one will find out. They think, if someone finds out, they can talk them into believing some other scenario just because they said it wasnt so. They think that if they can get the other person to doubt their own senses and brain power, that they can get away with it and continue. They think that if they get away with it, they hurt no one and they get to have what they want.

They think wrong. All it does is back it all up until it explodes like cabbage night and exlax.

but then, they think that your explosion is indicative of why it wasnt working so they think that they had every right to cheat. ...