Grieving

Boots13 · 02-04-2013, 08:34 PM

I dont believe in coincidence...but its so odd that this thread should pop up. I'm progressively blessing but trying to calm my busy head, trying to match my swirl of thoughts with a quiet heart.

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of a co-worker I'd known for over 20 years. He retired from the same squad that I work in, after 35 years of service and passed away 3 days later.

But I started counting and grieving. "Gone But Not Forgotten" the mantra for the End Of Watch list. I bless the fact that I had such great friendships with them. I was work partners for years with 5 of them. And 11 of the 16 were friends, 2 of these men were brothers to me.

I stopped counting at 16. I know there are more.

10 shot in the line of duty
2 killed in accidents
2 suicides
1 drowned
1 cancer

One of these men , my little brother that I never had... I loved him like one. He followed me through 13 years of my career and into 4 of my Units, and we worked together in each one. Hair raising experiences that we helped each other through. I transferred out of our unit away from him and less than 2 months later he was killed in the line of duty.

It was an unbelievable time for me. A blur. I was at the hospital before his wife got there, she ran straight to me once she arrived. I delivered the death message and felt such guilt over her inconsolable grief, she was now a single mother to their 2 yo son. He had finally gotten his life together, married this wonderful woman, had the son he always talked about. I stood guard over his casket, my last feeble attempt to be at his side. I rode his funeral escort through blinding tears and heaving sobs. The tears are nearly falling now. I dont know how I didnt send myself and my motorcycle into oblivion on that ride. He's the line of duty death I'll never get over. His anniversary is in March.

And add family deaths over the years...
And throw in a few citizens who've suffered unbelievable truama, Strangers that I held because I didnt want them to die alone.

Its incumbant upon us to carry the blessing of having known and loved these people in your life. And having been loved, admired and/or respected by them.

I dont ever forget how precious life is, how full it is, and how linked we are to the memory of the those who have gone before us.

Without me, you would never have known this very small part of him .
I wish I could tell you briefly about them all.

femmeInterrupted · 02-04-2013, 09:37 PM

Your post made me think of the last ten years i've spent on the front lines in the Violence Against Women/Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence field...and a quote that i can no longer source, but often came to me when working with women and their trauma, was " It's an honour and a privilege to share in my sisters' grief". Your post and your experiences make that quote easily shared with your brothers. We remain absolutely connected in having known and loved them.

socialjustice_fsu · 02-04-2013, 10:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boots13

I dont believe in coincidence...but its so odd that this thread should pop up. I'm progressively blessing but trying to calm my busy head, trying to match my swirl of thoughts with a quiet heart.

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of a co-worker I'd known for over 20 years. He retired from the same squad that I work in, after 35 years of service and passed away 3 days later.

But I started counting and grieving. "Gone But Not Forgotten" the mantra for the End Of Watch list. I bless the fact that I had such great friendships with them. I was work partners for years with 5 of them. And 11 of the 16 were friends, 2 of these men were brothers to me.

I stopped counting at 16. I know there are more.

10 shot in the line of duty
2 killed in accidents
2 suicides
1 drowned
1 cancer

One of these men , my little brother that I never had... I loved him like one. He followed me through 13 years of my career and into 4 of my Units, and we worked together in each one. Hair raising experiences that we helped each other through. I transferred out of our unit away from him and less than 2 months later he was killed in the line of duty.

It was an unbelievable time for me. A blur. I was at the hospital before his wife got there, she ran straight to me once she arrived. I delivered the death message and felt such guilt over her inconsolable grief, she was now a single mother to their 2 yo son. He had finally gotten his life together, married this wonderful woman, had the son he always talked about. I stood guard over his casket, my last feeble attempt to be at his side. I rode his funeral escort through blinding tears and heaving sobs. The tears are nearly falling now. I dont know how I didnt send myself and my motorcycle into oblivion on that ride. He's the line of duty death I'll never get over. His anniversary is in March.

And add family deaths over the years...
And throw in a few citizens who've suffered unbelievable truama, Strangers that I held because I didnt want them to die alone.

Its incumbant upon us to carry the blessing of having known and loved these people in your life. And having been loved, admired and/or respected by them.

I dont ever forget how precious life is, how full it is, and how linked we are to the memory of the those who have gone before us.

Without me, you would never have known this very small part of him .
I wish I could tell you briefly about them all.

Reading this made me contemplate so many things tonight. "...Trying to calm my busy head, trying to match my swirl of thoughts with a quiet heart"...oh, how that resonates with me. I imagine being in your line of work there is not much you haven't seen, felt, or been engaged in. Finding that space where peace and warmth and comfort can be invited into your heart, your soul, your being, can be a challenge at best. So much loss around us all. However - you - are the one that see this kind of thing up close and personal. You see, the rest of us see a blur of tragic headlines or news blurbs. To feel the kinship, compassion, respect and loyalty as you have so eloquently written of gives rise to the respect these men and women have earned in the line of noble work. They - you - made a conscious choice to keep 'us' safe and out of harms way.

Following super bowl Sunday I am certain many folks have picked their hero's. I am here to say it is the folks like yourself, your brothers and sisters in the force who are the heros in this world. You run in - when the others run out. You have given your kindred spirits honor, grace and dignity through YOU. They are keeping their watch over you now. And, that, dear hero, is their honor.

Boots13 · 02-05-2013, 06:43 PM

I guess we're all stories in the end.

I think its so important to honor our connections so that we can carry the imprint of our past into the future.

There is such strength in the kind words of others. Thank you all for your rep comments and messages.
Thank you for sharing your strength.

I'm glad this thread is here. I hope more people post their stories, their thoughts of loved ones, or their words of strength and advice.
Its important for all of us to know who we are, and how we are, in the grieving process.

02-04-2013, 08:34 PM	#1
Boots13 Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: No Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PNW Posts: 823 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,387 Thanked 2,313 Times in 428 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Seeking my quiet heart ~ I dont believe in coincidence...but its so odd that this thread should pop up. I'm progressively blessing but trying to calm my busy head, trying to match my swirl of thoughts with a quiet heart. Today is the one year anniversary of the death of a co-worker I'd known for over 20 years. He retired from the same squad that I work in, after 35 years of service and passed away 3 days later. But I started counting and grieving. "Gone But Not Forgotten" the mantra for the End Of Watch list. I bless the fact that I had such great friendships with them. I was work partners for years with 5 of them. And 11 of the 16 were friends, 2 of these men were brothers to me. I stopped counting at 16. I know there are more. 10 shot in the line of duty 2 killed in accidents 2 suicides 1 drowned 1 cancer One of these men , my little brother that I never had... I loved him like one. He followed me through 13 years of my career and into 4 of my Units, and we worked together in each one. Hair raising experiences that we helped each other through. I transferred out of our unit away from him and less than 2 months later he was killed in the line of duty. It was an unbelievable time for me. A blur. I was at the hospital before his wife got there, she ran straight to me once she arrived. I delivered the death message and felt such guilt over her inconsolable grief, she was now a single mother to their 2 yo son. He had finally gotten his life together, married this wonderful woman, had the son he always talked about. I stood guard over his casket, my last feeble attempt to be at his side. I rode his funeral escort through blinding tears and heaving sobs. The tears are nearly falling now. I dont know how I didnt send myself and my motorcycle into oblivion on that ride. He's the line of duty death I'll never get over. His anniversary is in March. And add family deaths over the years... And throw in a few citizens who've suffered unbelievable truama, Strangers that I held because I didnt want them to die alone. Its incumbant upon us to carry the blessing of having known and loved these people in your life. And having been loved, admired and/or respected by them. I dont ever forget how precious life is, how full it is, and how linked we are to the memory of the those who have gone before us. Without me, you would never have known this very small part of him . I wish I could tell you briefly about them all.

02-04-2013, 09:37 PM	#2
femmeInterrupted Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: she works out well ;) Relationship Status: Happily married. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ontario Posts: 812 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,885 Thanked 3,216 Times in 667 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Your post made me think of the last ten years i've spent on the front lines in the Violence Against Women/Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence field...and a quote that i can no longer source, but often came to me when working with women and their trauma, was " It's an honour and a privilege to share in my sisters' grief". Your post and your experiences make that quote easily shared with your brothers. We remain absolutely connected in having known and loved them. __________________ "If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us walk together." Lila Watson You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shade when its shining. You say you love wind, but when its comes you close your window. So that's why I'm scared, when you say you love me. -- Bob Marley

02-05-2013, 06:43 PM	#4
Boots13 Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: No Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PNW Posts: 823 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,387 Thanked 2,313 Times in 428 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	in the end... I guess we're all stories in the end. I think its so important to honor our connections so that we can carry the imprint of our past into the future. There is such strength in the kind words of others. Thank you all for your rep comments and messages. Thank you for sharing your strength. I'm glad this thread is here. I hope more people post their stories, their thoughts of loved ones, or their words of strength and advice. Its important for all of us to know who we are, and how we are, in the grieving process.