What will happen when you die?

[kittygrrl]

I've actually done a fair amount of musing on my passing of late. I don't think I will have many mouners, and a formal funeral is not to my liking. Creamation I think makes it easier and less expensive. I prefer a forest setting but I am not sure how much that will matter considering. A living will is a good idea.

Insofar as what I think happens after death, I'm fairly certain as I've already been there once in my 20's. I think we go where we are very comfortable and even happy. There is more to do on the other side then there is here, but you love your work there. It's not a burden.

[midwest chick]

My kids and I talk about this every now and then, they have an uncle who works in mortuary sciences...and I'm a nurse...so this isn't for everyone.

I want to have tissue digestion using alkali, aka water reduction, which is only performed/legal in a few states (was banned in Ohio a few years ago) and then be plant food--I was thinking a double blossom Cherry(yeah, pink) tree. The process is much cleaner environmentally than cremation, which creates considerable air pollution, so that's kinda out for me.

Some really good ideas can be perused in the book 'Stiff The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers' by Mary Roach. I thought some parts were hilarious, but keep in mind I'm a nurse, so I'm 'bent' that way...

[princessbelle]

I have my affairs in order, insurance, house all that jazz.

As for me, i will be cremated and i want to go into the tackiest urn ever invented. Bright pink with glitter and maybe flashing lights. I hope i sit on a mantel somewhere and bug the crap out of anyone who sees me. Just as i do in real life.

Or i could end up in a closet.

Wouldn't be the first time.

[Boots13]

My affairs are in order. Will, Insurance to cover mortgage, beneficiaries,etc.

What I've earned :
- I'm entitled to a Military Funeral... gun salute, flag, taps, headstone.

- I've also earned a full Honor Guard while waiting interrment, Full Motorcycle Escort from funeral home to memorial to graveside, due to my current assignment.

- And if its in the line of duty I get the whole shabang...bagpipes, honor guard, flag, horse escort w/ absent rider - boots backwards in the stirrups, military styled procession, and a multi-agency memorial service.


I think the pomp and circumstance of a line of duty death, or a decorated public servant can be daunting emotionally. I'm not sure I want to put people through it, but its standard call of duty stuff. And in a weird way its a cohesive time. Co-workers lay down petty animosities and actually band together.


What I want :
At the end of the day, after all the pomp and circumstance
sprinkle my ashes high on a mountaintop, facing the west so the sunsets can announce another beautiful day is coming to an end.

[PaPa]

When with my ex of 13 years, we had a very similar conversation. I found it odd and morbid that her family had a history of purchasing not only plots for burial but also going to pick out their coffins and paying for them in advance. Within my own family we had the burial plots purchased ahead of time, but held money back for the rest of the expenses to be bought upon death. When with her we would many times each year hold a pilgrimage to visit the graves of those who passed before us. That was also a new tradition for me as my family held the beliefs that if you wanted a person to have flowers and visitation then you should do it when they were alive. There were many differences between our two families. But I found some of my views were to change.

So what did I learn? My ex passed away in 2007 and things were much different than she had expected and we had discussed. Her father had her cremated; she was not in attendance at her memorial service; there was no wake; and there was no big to-do so to speak. The minister accidentally called her by her mother’s name, who had preceded her in death by a few years, and instead of music the attendees got led by the minister in singing Amazing Grace. To this day I cannot even listen to that song because it makes me feel horrible about what happened in her final moments of memory.

That was not her plans. She wanted a wake, a funeral, she wanted family and friends to talk with one another about wild times they had with her. She wanted to be remembered for her best. She wanted to be there in body and spirit. She always added one more thing...the funny part...she wanted buried with Reese’s peanut butter cups and a 6 pack of Pepsi because those were her favorite snacks and she didn’t want to be without them if she were allowed to have them where she was going. She was also diabetic so this added to the amusement when she said it. I can now hear her laugh as I recount this story and it makes me smile, because for three or four years after her death I could not hear her voice or laughter.

Her stuff? Her father came in with some of her children and their friends…he got a huge dumpster and placed it out back and began throwing things away and yard saling the rest. Never once was I asked to come down to assist. In his eyes I had no rights there even though it was the life her and I built together. Yes. I moved back home with my parents to return to school and things had changed drastically with us, but it was still our lifetime together that he just threw away with disregard to any emotional ties whatsoever. I was able to bring one of our dogs home with me, but my mother wouldn’t let me keep the other one too. Since it was my exes dog, she was taken to the pound. The happy ending to this aspect is that I have been very blessed to have her back with me now. I honestly believe she ran away from the adopters because she was hunting me and the pound had picked her up again. She is home now where she belongs and where she will stay.

So this brings me to what will happen with me? I also have pondered these questions in my mind over the years since that experience. I have never wanted cremation...just like my ex didn’t either. However, my perspective has changed. I had our older dog (Scamp) cremated when she passed. I will also have our other dog (Ginger) cremated when it is her time. And surprise surprise...I would also like to be cremated and all of us returned to the soil with her. I would like all of us in the same burial spot. I don’t know if it will happen, but I do know that those are my wishes.

As for your questions, I believe they are multi-faceted not only with self-understanding and thoughts, but also because in many instances our relationships are not honored as such. Thanks for posing these questions because I think it would help to see others' responses as well.

[Virago]

Ciaran
Amazing thread. Thank you.

This isn't a new thought process for me. I lost my parents and grandparents when I was 22, back in '80. Also, as a NY actor I lost so many of my closest friends to AIDS at that time so I have thought on this a lot.

But I am also luckier than many, as my father worked in a law firm that specialized in Estate Law so this topic was desensitized to me and made a part of life. I was also lucky that I had wonderful parents and grandparents in those 22 years.

I am single now, so I am not worried about a fluid transition of my funds to a partner, but I hope those of you who are reliant on your spouse's income along with yours, or who have children, look into different things.

My father had it set up this way (and these laws differ from state to state so please have a specialist help you)
First I'll tell you what he did for my brother and myself. We weren't rich -middle class living paycheck to paycheck, but he had insurance policies and we had a house and knew with his and my mother's illnesses (they died 2 months apart) that my brother and I would be lost in the years that followed. He also knew that people in grief blow through money stupidly. He made a stipulation that all inheritance go into a trust fund for 7 years. At that time interest was 7% so we had personal choice as to take the interest as income or let it roll. I, at 22 an out of work actor needed to take it BUT LET ME SAY THIS -and I think this is important. It wasn't enough for me to live on and waste away. I still needed to work and thus focus, not drink or toke or snort it all away. My brother at 25 with a full time job rolled it and eventually bought a house. At the end of 7 years we got the principle. And although 7 years wasn't enough time to finish grieving, it gave us time to think about what to do with the money more clearly. You can pick a caring and trusted friend or family member to oversee the trust.

I can't remember how he had his funds set up so we were never money locked. I believe it was all in his name in trust for my mother, or maybe it was a joint account. I know all of our accounts were always in our names intrust for another in the family so nothing was ever fully locked. As soon as he passed away, all my mother's accounts had my brother's name on it with hers

I hope this helps some of you with families

[Virago]

and I LOVE the idea of the ashes becoming a tree. My brother and I have plots with our parents back in New York, on the border of Brooklyn and Queens. We have been talking about letting those plots go since I've been in California and he's been in Missouri and doing our own things. My thoughts are I would like to be cremated (I'm claustrophobic so the thought of NOT being dead in that box scares the hell out of me) and I would LOVE to be a tree!

In life I've lived as an oak and I've lived as a willow. Now I'll let the universe pick what I'll be next