Friends of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

March 13



Wax On


“Sometimes a dish is just a dish,” I said to my sponsor.
“Yes and sometimes it is the world away, which you hold in your hand,” her reply.
I stand at the sink and try to wash the dishes when I am washing the dishes. I try to drive the car when I drive the car. These simple acts of concentration, focus and sooth the jagged mental sutures where I am supposed to be coming together, but ultimately come apart. Anything to break my frenetic gyrations is a blessing, anything to cut away to a closer view and a clearer understanding of where I really am; anything to derail the speeding blur of a life of my creation is good. What I do and who I am are secrets and mysteries when I don’t know how to pay attention and ironies when I do. And if you doubt me, just go ask Arnold.



Contrast confusion


*


BLUE CROWS

Blue crows streak across my dreaming minds sky
They take up their post in a line of trees
I stand at the edge of a burning field

I feel nauseous at the thought of glorifying an 'active' life.
Everything is burned, scared and crumpled
The flashy crows call from the hedgerow.

I know it's time to fly
The fire is out and I have work to do.
To keep the sparks and dormant embers from ruining another harvest.

I must travel with these strange birds
And live an odd but regimented life
I needn't scorch my feet on this ground again.

Like my companions I must spend sometime in survey
If I do not fully assess this damage
I might not fully embrace this dawn.

[LeftWriteFemme]

March 14



Patricide

I never killed my father. Why finish a job that someone is completing all on his own. It’s not that I didn’t wish him dead; I did and do for that matter. Don’t misunderstand me, I wish him no harm, it’s just that he is like a creature so tortured that he is nothing but a danger and a misery. Left to live he is a hazard to everyone he has contact with, an agony to live inside. What can I wish for him, but departure and rest, something he can never give to himself. I don’t plot, don’t scheme, I only know; know in part, the terrible lie he lives and hurt he drags from place to place acting like it is not there and nothing matters; let’s just get by. So, if he is not dead he should be. He is the embodiment of the hurtful impotent god and I don’t kill that man but I kill the image, perish that thought.



Provide for the future of your sanity

*



PRETTY FEET

I look at the line on my heel
Where I must stay vigilant with pumice and the moisturizer
My toes clean and straight but nothing more.

I see my feet as passable, it's hard to see them as beautiful,
Well cared for is the best I can do
But there is a beauty in that.

I think of myself,
I am an alcoholic
There is nothing beautiful about alcoholism either.

The care I take in tending my sobriety
The nurturing I see others use in their own lives
There is a certain loveliness to it.

Crusted over hearts
Scraped and oiled
Fit and ready to beat anew.

Polluted minds, drained and reformed
To turn lives upright
Step work and making meetings

Is just a functionary thing
But gorgeous in its own way
Efficacy is a pearl not to be disregarded.

I needs yer advices/suggestions

My sponsor told me that she does the steps the working guide way...no argument, that is how it is. However, now she's thrown me a curve ball and we're doing step four, not from the working guide and in a way that freaks me out. I have to write about how something might 'affect my sex' - my 'femininity' and woman-ness. WHAT THE FUCK?!

There is not a chance in hell that I'm writing any soddin' columns and boxes that include anything about 'femininity' and woman-ness.

I'm so uncomfortable with this alternative that I've been given, especially with it's archaic, biblical language and assumption that anyone with a female body is feminine or woman that I wonder if my sponsor actually has taken notice of anything I've said about my sexuality and indentity.

[o222Good]

Originally Posted by Daktari

I needs yer advices/suggestions

Hey Daktari. They do mention sex as part of Step Four in the Big Book:

"In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."
On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?"
Page 64 Big Book

But that stuff about femininity sounds dangerous, like it's something your sponsor made up. My advice is, stick to the Big Book.

Originally Posted by o222Good

Hey Daktari. They do mention sex as part of Step Four in the Big Book:

"In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."
On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?"
Page 64 Big Book

But that stuff about femininity sounds dangerous, like it's something your sponsor made up. My advice is, stick to the Big Book.

Thanks ever so much for your reply, I'm sat with the horrible feelings I have about this and no-one local to talk with about it.

I can definitely say that it's not something my sponsor has made up. The document she has sent me is written in that very particular AA archaic (biblical) language so I'm gonna bet that it is from AA. I much prefer the Basic Text and modern language of NA which is what I read on a daily basis.

Panic over.

Silly Ms.Sponse. didn't read the document fully and wasn't aware that looking at 'woman-ness' (whatever that means) and 'femininity' were there. Phew!

We're sacking that version and looking at other boxes/columns ways of doing this. Not that I'm a fan of the boxes and columns, it's not how my brain works but she's trying to find me a way of writing step 4 without, as she says, "...intellectualising the arse of it!"

Ms.Sponse. was doing her best and made a mistake is all. She's not perfect and is way too tall to need a pedestal.

I'm so grateful there's a thread here where folks understand more than just the addict/alcoholic aspects of my life.

[LeftWriteFemme]

March 15

Three Card Monty




When I learn to excel at the good games and learn to leave the bad ones alone I think I will be all right. Simple enough to do when I can take off this blindfold and see the long term consequences of my pursuits. Engage this pastime and have no future; abandon that play and squander hope. Eyes open wide, I see what there is to see, but around the corner I am lost for anticipatory sight and must guess at destinations let alone intention. Tricky, tricky, is this life which toys with me. I think I have the bow in hand, though as life rubs me wrong then right, I see I am played upon as much and as often as I play. I take up the reins, but must also be led, I can lay out the deal, but sometimes, I just have to roll the dice.



Speak with your friends


*

ANGLE OF RETURN

As in a hall of mirrors, it is sometimes hard to tell
If I am moving forward in my recovery
Likewise, as promises are fulfilled
Their obtuse arrival is a quandary

The juxtaposition of acute homecoming
Of former faculties is also startling
How the light reflects itself from sober face to sober face
From open heart to open mind, is the spectral of hope to me.

My soul seeks me day after day
Though I left it so far behind
It brings to me the person of God's intent
And my new acquaintance.

Patience, never my virtue, finds me stacked with packages
Delivered in piles so high I can't keep up with opening them
Never in my life have I known less about my future
Or felt more assured.