Friends of Bill W.

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

March 19

If I name it do I know it?


Does emotional proximity necessitate a nearer name? Far off I would be called earthling possibly human. On this plain, female maybe woman; in this country Mrs. Theriault; in my home call me Sherrie, but in my bed hy calls me Baby. Do these names offer the requisite information, no further inquires required, is it personal enough? Is the limited nature a stunted interest from without or a privacy fence from within? Does the boundary shift dependant upon the participants or is it an almost universal standard of metered advance and reveal? And do I get more when I give more or does that end in less info and a change of direction? Also who determines what I really need to know? Wanting curiosity; my hungry mind and lonely heart do not direct all the world, yet ceaselessly they strive, shutter and ask again: Who are you?

Step toward yourself


*

JAG

I have the most interesting lawn ornament.
It is long and sleek, low to the ground,
Resting on rubber rolls,
Steep of side and languid front and back

It has glass, glass which slants
And glass which slops into its sides.
It's paint shines when I buff it
And shows dust when I don't.

Inside there are seats and many artistic accessories
I sit on the steps and admire the thing
Then I sit in the thing and admire the porch
That's all there was until I was handed the key.

This is just where I feel at.

I'm askeered of what comes next, although wanting to embrace it and move on to a place I've never been before. Shining a light on the truth is gonna hurt and my addict brain wants to run for the hills; recovery brain says my HP won't let me fall and won't give me more than I can handle.


Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again

[RockOn]

Hi there, Daktari! You have a lot going for you in that you realize it is your "addict brain" telling you to run. I have been there and I am sure I will be there again at some point. For me, the more times I stuck it out, faced fear and pain and did not run, the more I was able to move forward and accept better things into my life. As I go along, I now realize when I have to do these recovery suggestions which involve facing fear or feeling pain, I can now rest assured I won't die from going on and marching through it.

Hang in there!
Best wishes!
Brock

[KCBUTCH]

Originally Posted by Daktari

This is just where I feel at.

I'm askeered of what comes next, although wanting to embrace it and move on to a place I've never been before. Shining a light on the truth is gonna hurt and my addict brain wants to run for the hills; recovery brain says my HP won't let me fall and won't give me more than I can handle.


Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again

The one thing we know to do is RUN, it has served us in the past, but the gift is in front you begging you please accept me, Be still and know all will be OK
"My sponsor always tell me G-d did not save me from drowning in the ocean to let me drown in the bathtub"

Its uncomfortable but only for a short time, it sucks and hurts and makes us want to crawl out of our skin, but if you can be still and just let yourself go through this short moment the next time will be easier and the time after that even more so
Hang in there buddy

[ManOMan]

"Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again..."


I can't help but notice you're talking about step 3.

Might I suggest that if your sponsor isn't available that, in the meantime, you find someone else with time that you trust to share with. It's a good idea to release pressure in a positive way. Then you can fill your sponsor in later.

Just my 2cents worth.

[Soft*Silver]

when I first got back to Ohio, I went to meetings. I quit, because I had a woman stalking me in the meetings. I tried a few months ago, to go back, and again, the same woman and then a man started to pursue me. And they just dont take no for an answer. Even tho I am engaged to be married, they still wouldnt leave me alone.

So, rather than dealing with it, I just stay away from meetings. And its pissing me off. I dont know what to do.

[LeftWriteFemme]

March 20

Bent, Spindled, Mutilated


Injury changes memory, not just the memory of the individual trauma, but the very nature of the mind. The hooks and loops distort and I can’t hold on as I once did. The misses and disconnects become more frequent, then they become expected. Emotional fluff-ups do not suffice, the hardware is damaged and a positive attitude is advisable but the pliers are a necessity. Some things are easier to break than to repair, in fact most things are easier to break, no skill required, though some take it on as skill, most destruction is ignorant or accidental, nothing personal just a part of a pain filled landscape. Direct intervention is not the same as hands-free degradation, though both have their cost. Redemption, restoration, is sought from all comers. Possibilities and probabilities stack; action is a relief, whether or not it is a fix. I take a breath to face the final blow, for when the cost adds up and I look for recompense all I hear is the check is in the mail.





Line the bin so the ick won’t stick

*

20 CART PILEUP

What's the problem here?
Asks my sponsor, as she approaches my apparent impasse.
Well, I've been trying to get these carts lined up
What do you think of my progress?
How many carts do you have here?
A few, quite a few, why?
And how many horses? She asks
Just the one, the same as everyone else, I answer.
And where is this poor animal?
Back here.
Behind the carts
OK, we have a twofold problem here.
First, one horse can handle only one cart.
So pick ONE
Second, that sad creature needs to be in the proper position
To do any good at all.
You had best figure out a way to get him in front
Or you will remain stuck
Even after you whittle down your burden.
I was stunned
She went to her cart
Climbed to the seat
And took the reins
How long did it take you to get yours like that? I ask
Honey it takes every day.
Don't kid yourself
I wake up every morning with the same train wreck
Your standing in now.
Learn to sort faster
And you'll have the rest of today
You can start over
With us tomorrow.

[RockOn]

KCBUTCH is right. It is so damned uncomfortable because we have to step away from our natural inclinations into the unfamiliar. With this program, I no longer have to be "a cut-and-run backdoor Brock." I like me much better this way. All that dodging, ducking and running was wearing me out. I do not miss the pitiful incomprehensible demoralization one bit.

Today, I exit through front doors without holding my head down in shame.

Pretty good deal - this recovery stuff.

Originally Posted by Brock

Hi there, Daktari! You have a lot going for you in that you realize it is your "addict brain" telling you to run. I have been there and I am sure I will be there again at some point. For me, the more times I stuck it out, faced fear and pain and did not run, the more I was able to move forward and accept better things into my life. As I go along, I now realize when I have to do these recovery suggestions which involve facing fear or feeling pain, I can now rest assured I won't die from going on and marching through it.

Hang in there!
Best wishes!
Brock

Originally Posted by KCBUTCH

The one thing we know to do is RUN, it has served us in the past, but the gift is in front you begging you please accept me, Be still and know all will be OK
"My sponsor always tell me G-d did not save me from drowning in the ocean to let me drown in the bathtub"

Its uncomfortable but only for a short time, it sucks and hurts and makes us want to crawl out of our skin, but if you can be still and just let yourself go through this short moment the next time will be easier and the time after that even more so
Hang in there buddy

Originally Posted by ManOMan

"Praying that Ms.Sponse is well enough for our step 3 sharing evening that we post-poned from last Wednesday to this one. I'm sure I'll explode if she's poorly-sick again..."


I can't help but notice you're talking about step 3.

Might I suggest that if your sponsor isn't available that, in the meantime, you find someone else with time that you trust to share with. It's a good idea to release pressure in a positive way. Then you can fill your sponsor in later.

Just my 2cents worth.

Originally Posted by Brock

KCBUTCH is right. It is so damned uncomfortable because we have to step away from our natural inclinations into the unfamiliar. With this program, I no longer have to be "a cut-and-run backdoor Brock." I like me much better this way. All that dodging, ducking and running was wearing me out. I do not miss the pitiful incomprehensible demoralization one bit.

Today, I exit through front doors without holding my head down in shame.

Pretty good deal - this recovery stuff.

Awww you lot are fab...thanks, thanks ever so much for your posts -support, ideas, suggestions, and above all reassurance.

I'm lucky that don't have to even think about sharing step 3 with anyone but my sponsor. Just couldn't do it. I think I have one of the best of the very limited pool of females in the fellowship in this area, there aren't any others that I would trust enough to share a step with...maybe Granny Sponse., despite not having met her in person yet.

It amuses me that as the 'baby' in a line of sponsorship, I'm the oldest by a decade+

Yanno, I like that my addict brain has it's own personality and is getting easier to identify. There are still lots of days I surrender to it but I feel comforted by the knowledge that the more I do 'this stuff' and the work my sponsor expects of me, the easier it is to identify when it's (addict brain) vying for or has control.

It's hearing folks like yourselves and the people in the rooms share that they faced and moved through the fear and pain, only to come out the other side saying it's one of the most loving things they've ever done for themselves that I'm holding onto for dear life....let's face it, this stuff can mean life, death or worse, a living death.

This is the point that I avoided first time round. Avoiding it led to ultimately, after a very long time, to picking up the drug that has been most destructive for me again. I will not, cannot, avoid it again.

I suspect the Bat Addict signal will be up again before too very long as I share step three tonight and we talk about how I'm gonna tackle step 4, without "...analysing the arse out of it." and "...trying to write the great recovery novel". Ms Sponsoliscious knows me so well

Thank-you again for your input and suggestions...I'm so very grateful you lot are here

Yeah, this recovery stuff is a bloody good deal

[ManOMan]

Originally Posted by Miss_Tia

when I first got back to Ohio, I went to meetings. I quit, because I had a woman stalking me in the meetings. I tried a few months ago, to go back, and again, the same woman and then a man started to pursue me. And they just dont take no for an answer. Even tho I am engaged to be married, they still wouldnt leave me alone.

So, rather than dealing with it, I just stay away from meetings. And its pissing me off. I dont know what to do.

Wow, I'd be stark raving sober if I didn't get to meetings. I'm in a min. of 3 a week (and that really is the minimum)....and I've got 26 years.

Do you have a sponsor to talk to about this? In my neck of the woods the old-timer women blast guys that are inappropriate with women in the rooms. Seriously.

Please consider talking to some other women about this. I'd hate to see you go out behind this. I've seen that happen OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Meetings are critical to sobriety.

If you want to talk more about this you can pm me.

- Kevin

[LeftWriteFemme]

March 21


When is enough, enough?


“What is the difference between full and all? Don’t know? Well, let me tell you,” said my sponsor with a wink. “Full is when the broccoli that went perfectly with the entrée leaves a pleasant smile on your face, full is when the arrow on the gas gauge points to F, these are little indicators of full. Indications that you have reached all: the wet scary feeling in your mouth after your second piece of pie, all is the gas pouring down the side of your car because you have to try to squeeze more in.”
“Yes, yes,” I reply, “I know when I’ve overdone it; I resent everyone or at least I am cranky about everything. I know when I’m under doing it, too; I get either a lost feeling or the sense that I should be in charge, but how do I really know that I am doing enough?”
“If your sponsor has a good idea of where you are mentally, physically and spiritually; if the people in your home group can count on you to contribute service regularly. If most people in most meetings know not just your face, but also your name. If your sponsees freely admit that you are their sponsor, those are sure signs. Though the biggest signal for me is how constant my contact is. If I’m reluctant to pray I’m usually not doing enough of something.”




Learn from pain

*

MATH

If this is the solution why aren't I happy?
I ask my sponsor in a piteous whine.
You've run the equation and the solution equals happiness?
She queries, that's the whole and total answer?
How many times did you go through the computations?

What's your point?
Are you saying happiness isn't the answer?
What about joy and freedom?
I heard someone say that was the goal
I know that's what I heard.

Let's think about it for a hot second
What would you think
If I worked the steps as hard as I do
And as a result walked around in a perpetual grin?
I'd think you had lost your mind.

So you're telling me you believe
The product of recovery is idiocy?
The thing we all are aspiring to is bliss and nothing but?
No, I guess not.
Then what is the solution for you? I ask.

A tally which fits the day I'm having
Joy sometimes fits that bill
But other days it's sadness or concern
There have been days when disbelief
And dismay were part of the appropriate response.

For me, the solution is having an equation
That helps me respond to life
Instead of reacting to it.
That's better than unending happiness
That's wholeness she said with a grin

[RockOn]

EDIT:

Hi Friend, I am responding to post of yours. It is not your last post but a couple posts back.

END EDIT



There's an attractive red-haired guy who comes to meetings all around town. He has never been sober or even tried to be -he does a lot of drugs. Anyway, his purpose is to pick up good-looking newbie young women at meetings. When I see him in meetings, I stay after and observe him. Soon as he starts conversing with his next victim, I go over and make sure I am loud when I tell her to stay away from him because he is nothing but a sexual predator and she won't be able to get sober ever if she hangs with him. It is not 30 seconds and other women come over, chime in, back me up.

Yeah, we have a guy or two in this area who are still using and prey on female newcomers. There are quite a number of females and female bodied folks (me) who now monitor this guy's behaviour at meetings and we don't allow him to spend time alone with newcomers. We found he was then preying on the newcomers outside meetings when on public transport to and from meetings. We now try to ensure that female newcomers get lifts wherever possible, just whilst they gain a little strength of their own to deal with this chump.

I suspect that local members are well aware of these folks behaviour in your area; I would suggest speaking to the group servants quietly, or taking the issue to the next group conscience meeting if you feel unable to deal with it on your own...and really, why should you deal with on your own, this is a 'we' programme.

In the NA fellowship there is an IP literature leaflet that deals with inappropriate behaviour at meetings which covers situations like this and others. Does AA have a similar piece of lit.?

Nothing and no-one should keep you from attending the meetings you wish to attend.

I hope you resolve this so that you can go back to meetings comfortably and get re-filled with hope and gratitude.

ILF

[ManOMan]

I'm feeling a big internal shift happening again in my life. This is nothing new. Been there. Done that. Have the shirt. In fact I'm actually pretty excited about it.

When I was new change scared me...a lot. I was so trying to get my feet on the ground that when it started to move I was at a loss. I didn't have alcohol or 'party favors' to take the edge off. The process was alien to me.

I'm really grateful that I had people then and now to make this journey possible. God, expressing as the Fellowship, is what has bolstered me up when I needed it and allowed me to return the favor.

It's all Good.

- Kevin