Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[Maverick]

Most, if not all of what Alix said in his post I could say in mine. I am finding myself in a depressed state for the past couple of months due to the fact that I don't feel like I can transition and I think I'm in mourning over the life that I can never have. I'm 51 and when I think about transitioning I think "why bother at this point in your life?" All of the things that I wanted to do when I was younger are not now possible whether I am male or not due to my age. I can never be a young man. And after 50 years of family and friends thinking they know me as one thing how possible is it for them to grasp such a huge change as my gender anyway? I feel like it's hopeless and there's really no reason to even think about the possibility of transitioning. I'd like to make some modifications for my own peace of mind but just can't see myself gathering up enough courage to fully transition to male. Perhaps I've said it before here, and I mean no disrespect for anyone as I'm only speaking for myself, but I don't feel brave at all. I feel like if I was brave I would do what my heart and soul tell me is right for me and transition so I can live a congruous life where my soul and body are in alignment. Is it brave to walk the earth as a person who doesn't fit into a gender? I guess so. But, in my opinion, it's braver to be true to yourself no matter the consequences. Harder said then done. I'm not willing to lose everything I've built at this point but perhaps that will change one day. I don't know. Thanks for listening. I really needed to get that out.
Maverick

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by Maverick

Most, if not all of what Alix said in his post I could say in mine. I am finding myself in a depressed state for the past couple of months due to the fact that I don't feel like I can transition and I think I'm in mourning over the life that I can never have. I'm 51 and when I think about transitioning I think "why bother at this point in your life?" All of the things that I wanted to do when I was younger are not now possible whether I am male or not due to my age. I can never be a young man. And after 50 years of family and friends thinking they know me as one thing how possible is it for them to grasp such a huge change as my gender anyway? I feel like it's hopeless and there's really no reason to even think about the possibility of transitioning. I'd like to make some modifications for my own peace of mind but just can't see myself gathering up enough courage to fully transition to male. Perhaps I've said it before here, and I mean no disrespect for anyone as I'm only speaking for myself, but I don't feel brave at all. I feel like if I was brave I would do what my heart and soul tell me is right for me and transition so I can live a congruous life where my soul and body are in alignment. Is it brave to walk the earth as a person who doesn't fit into a gender? I guess so. But, in my opinion, it's braver to be true to yourself no matter the consequences. Harder said then done. I'm not willing to lose everything I've built at this point but perhaps that will change one day. I don't know. Thanks for listening. I really needed to get that out.
Maverick

The brave thing is being yourself in what ever package *you* happen to occupy. Not all of us can transition, due to any number of issues. Living, that is the bravest thing we can do. I'm 54, never to be that boy I know myself to be, or the man other people "see". But my family accepts me as I am, her Husband, their Uncle, their Cousin. That comes because of my being honest with them, and they get it.
We have 1 mirror in the house and it only is the medicine cabinet mirror, so I don't get bombarded with my physical image and can maintain my mental image of my being. It helps me, it may help you as well.

[Maverick]

Originally Posted by Corkey

The brave thing is being yourself in what ever package *you* happen to occupy. Not all of us can transition, due to any number of issues. Living, that is the bravest thing we can do. I'm 54, never to be that boy I know myself to be, or the man other people "see". But my family accepts me as I am, her Husband, their Uncle, their Cousin. That comes because of my being honest with them, and they get it.
We have 1 mirror in the house and it only is the medicine cabinet mirror, so I don't get bombarded with my physical image and can maintain my mental image of my being. It helps me, it may help you as well.

Corkey, I'm glad that you are able to communicate your needs to your family and get the respect you deserve. As for the mirrors, we only have a mirror in our bathroom so that's not an issue for me at all. I think what I'm dealing with at the moment isn't so much dysphoria over my body or how people interact with me. I only realized a couple of years ago that I am transgender...just didn't have the information needed to make that conclusion until then. In trying to decide what to do with this new information I realize that, even if I were to transition today to male the big dreams I've always secretly carried with me can never happen anyway because of my age. There is a mourning going on about this. And, as KnightsBlade pointed out...if I didn't care at all about what my friends, family, society, etc expected of me I might choose differently. I think everyone here is brave to live their lives the way they feel is best for them..which most often is outside of our cultural "norm". We're all bravehearts, yes! Thanks for your input.

Mav

[Maverick]

Apologies, I meant KnightsBlade's post, not Alix's.