Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Check Your Email...

[imperfect_cupcake]

I know blocking can cause ramifications. that's why I suggested setting up a rule to "bin" her emails for a while. She won't know as she won't be blocked and you don't get the letters.

It's very hard to get to the place where you won't feel responsible for her feelings. It took me three years with one of my exes. till at one point, it just snapped.

Also, if people are trying to control you in that way, looking at al-anon tools for co-dependancy (not saying you are by any means!!! it's just some of the tools are very, very handy for dealing with emotional black mail) or this book:

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0060928972"]Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You[/ame] (clicky)

I found fantastic to deal with threats of self harm, bullying, etc. I've had some charmers in my life because I couldn't disarm the buttons they use. This book teaches you how to remove the buttons.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I know blocking can cause ramifications. that's why I suggested setting up a rule to "bin" her emails for a while. She won't know as she won't be blocked and you don't get the letters.

It's very hard to get to the place where you won't feel responsible for her feelings. It took me three years with one of my exes. till at one point, it just snapped.

Also, if people are trying to control you in that way, looking at al-anon tools for co-dependancy (not saying you are by any means!!! it's just some of the tools are very, very handy for dealing with emotional black mail) or this book:

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (clicky)

I found fantastic to deal with threats of self harm, bullying, etc. I've had some charmers in my life because I couldn't disarm the buttons they use. This book teaches you how to remove the buttons.

What an awesome link. Emotional blackmail is by far the worst thing I have experienced....it was difficult to bounce back from and it is easy to recognize when that is happening...

Thank you for posting that link. Some good stuff.

The sad part is it happens all the time and some folks just do not realize it until later on.

[Tommi]

Emotional blackmail is a wonderful term. and a must read.
BBL

[yotlyolqualli]

Last spring I ended a 5.5 year relationship with a woman I was truly in love with, at one time. I entered into that relationship fully believing that loving someone was a CHOICE not something that just occurred. I still believe that to some extent. However, if the love is not mutual, if one feels more or deeper than the other, it has great potential to eventually blow up in your face.

The ending of the relationship was somewhat anti-climatic. Two years of couples and individual therapy (which only works if you are honest with the therapist) culminated in a very private and emotionally devastating revelation inside of me. However, that devastating revelation was what was the impetus for me saying, "I can't do this anymore. I think we'll be better off as friends."

She wasn't happy to hear that of course, who would be? However, we tried to maintain that friendship but only kept hurting each other. Finally I cut off all ties with her. She respected that and abided by that. However, I was not only with HER for 5.5 years, I was also a part of her family. Her Aunt was constantly wanting to see me. I was always getting invitations to family functions. I politely declined most invitations, but her Aunt was somewhat persistent, to say the least. So, on occasion, my ex and I were "thrown" together. Slowly, we started to rebuild a friendship with very very clear cut lines, drawn by me. Friendship was all I would ever be offering her again. Period.

Then the flirting started. The compliments, the innuendo's, the sexual suggestions... harmless flirting she claimed. So I took it as that and brushed it off, NEVER flirting back. Ever. Things still progressed. I was pleased, she had been my best friend before we had ever become romantically involved. The loss of that friendship had hurt worse than the ending of the romantic relationship.

It was in Feb, after I had stayed at her house and took care of her pets while she visited her folks in Florida for 3 weeks, that things started getting a little hinky. Now, as I said, we had had several conversations about us, what happened and what lines were drawn and were to never be crossed. So, after picking her up at the airport, I spent the next 4 hours on the drive home, deflecting her offers of sex. No flirting. No innuendo's. Just blatant demands and or plea's for sex. Luckily, for her, my sleeping godson in the car seat in the back, kept me from simply stopping the car and getting out. I was pissed. I told her so. She eventually apologized and I accepted the apology, and we moved on.

About 4 weeks ago, she got devastating news. I was hurt as well. Her mother, who I adore, was diagnosed with stage four cancer. She has a cancerous tumor in her throat, one in her lung and had one in her brain. (They removed it upon finding it) Last Thursday she started chemotherapy. On that day, since her mother is in Florida, and we are here in PA, Jane needed to go out, get her mind off of things, so I agreed to go out for drinks with her. It was fun, at first. We talked, shot pool (I suck at that BTW lol) but we were having a really nice time. It was good to be with a friend!

However, as the night progressed... let's just say that deflecting demands for sex from a sober Jane, is a whole heck of a lot easier than deflecting demands for sex from a drunk Jane. I was angry and more than that, I was hurt! I had never given her any indication that I was into casual sex and had also, several times, clearly drawn boundaries that she kept repeatedly stepping over... which is exactly how our relationship went as well.

So, now I am in a quandry. She apologized, of course and this time I told her in no uncertain terms that if this behavior doesn't stop that our friendship can not and will not be. My quandry is this, is the friendship worth saving at the cost of having to fend off her advances at every turn?

It's been weighing heavily on my mind.

[*Anya*]

My long-term ex would make it a practice to just show up and knock on my door.

I absolutely hate unplanned drop-in visitors and she knew this but repeatedly did it anyway.

It would always be under the guise of "I just wanted to see how you were doing", so I would feel guilty about just shutting the door in her face, which I should have done.

She last did it a year ago after one of my surgeries, when I was at my most vulnerable. She started talking about wanting to take care of me (an easy button-pusher to suck me in) and how she would still like to get back together and how we shouldn't "waste" those 19-years we previously spent together.

I had a screaming melt-down. (Not proud of this).

Just the though of ever getting back together with her (for all the reasons I have posted about over the last couple of years) was all it took to finally, really clearly, set my boundaries with her. I said that we would never, ever, in this lifetime (or the next); ever get back together. (Reminds me of that Taylor Swift song but mine happened before her song came out).

I also said that if she ever just showed up at my door, uninvited, I would close the door.

I have not heard from her since.

I think that because I always struggled with wanting to be pleasant and positive with her, I would feel guilty if I was firm or "mean" (how I thought I would be to be more direct with her), on some level, it always gave her an opening to try again. My pattern with her was to always give in or be persuaded to do what she wanted, regardless of how I really felt.

I am so glad to not feel like that anymore.