PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by TenderKnight

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some really signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responses to this thread and thank you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

So glad to know that the victim is OK.

It is amazing how when we think we have done the work and are all better something can happen and send us right back into full blown PTSD or meltdown mode (as I call it). The hyper awareness, the startle response.

I don't know the answer, my therapist says that the body learns ways of keeping us safe and it kicks in when it feels threatened and overrides all our best intentions.

So sorry you are experiencing this. Know that we are here if you need to vent or share!

Hugs,

Jen

[TenderKnight]

Jen,

Thank you very much for your responce. I feel like I've kinda shut down emotionally on some levels.. It's pretty weird, but it's good to know that I have a place to go if my head is spinning at three am and I need to vent.. lol

-Tony

[Apocalipstic]

I totally get the feeling shut down emotionally thing! Right there with ya!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Tony,

I am so very sorry you endured that trauma. I will be praying for you.

PTSD is not something that just goes away, or if someone tells you to grow up or something rude along those lines - they have not a clue as to what it is to endure the trauma.

As for the shutting down experience, we all go thru that. Oh yes. We all do it. It is our body's way of giving us a "break". You will find yourself "zoning out" too. Another sign of the trauma.

I wish you peace and love, dear brother.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I am overdone, I have been hitting myself in the head with the phone.
I need to stop that.

[TenderKnight]

Andrew, Thank you very much for your post. I have actually experienced the zoning out thing lately. I know it doesn't just "go away".. but part of me wants it to just go away, lol.

Jen, I hope your head doesn't break the phone.. lol (kidding, gallows humer here.) I hope that you get some time out time soon.. I have no idea exactly what you are going through, but if possible, a break from it might help. Even if it's just a little you time in the tub or on a walk somewhere.. My thoughts are with you.

OK, now I want to share what happened last night right outside of my apartment. I'm walking home and I'm half a block away and I see a lot of movement like right in front of my door. I of course go hyper aware and can sense some upset with them.. I get to the door and it's a couple of the homeless guys that hang out at the coffee shop down stairs and some other guy. The other guy is holding his finger. My first thought, "oh shit, i don't need this" but.. being who i am, I ask what's wrong. After a lil evasivness, it turns out, the guy tried to touch/mess with/looked at wrong, one of the homeless men, who promtly slashes his finger open with the blade he always carries.

I go upstairs, get the alcohol, bandages, and some bandage tape and come back down to let the cut guy clean up. The whole time, JC (the guy that cut the other one) is kinda circling and taunting the guy. Long story a little shorter, I think the guy will need stitches and I think JC has a little more respect for me.. lol

All during this, I'm calm, collected.. But another part of me just wanted to shut down and run. I told the cut guy that last week, I helped a guy that almost bled to death, "you may need some stitches, but you aren't going to die. (lower voice) and don't mess with crazy homeless guys with knives," he laughed and calmed down a lot.. He ended up walking away.

I just have to wonder why my Higher Power is setting these things in front of me. I wasn't able to sleep last night until i knocked myself out with nyquil. I've been clean and sober for over a year now and I'm going to pick up my program a bit.. Cause this shit is driving me to want to check out in big ways Talking about it helps a lot, but it is taking a toll and i can tell.

Love and Light,
Tony

[Apocalipstic]

Tony, it sounds like your neighborhood is scary. I would be terrified. I bet you tense up every time you enter your street now?

I totally get what you are saying about remaining calm though. In a crisis, I am calm and organized, then after if when I freak out and can't sleep and so forth. I have done the Nyquil thing before.

I won't go into my whole situation, I don't want to trigger anyone, but I was abused as a child while living in a country which was at war with itself including a coup and martial law and my mother died under bad circumstances and we moved to the US the same week and the abuse escalated...there have been periods of abuse or trauma since then that tend to escalate my symptoms. Feb of last year my father (abuser) died and dealing with all his stuff, selling his house all that has stressed me to the max.

One of the things I have always feared is the phone ringing....well, our receptionist has been layed off at work because of the economy and I am now responsible for answering then phone, and after idiotic call after even more idiotic all, I have started hitting myself in the head with the phone...In know it is insane. My therapist knows and wished I would get laid off work. I can't quit because I have been here 12 years and my G/F lost her job recently and is home going to school full time and my insurance and so forth.

Sorry I am rambling, I kind of feel nauseated.

[Dragonfly]

BIG (((HUGS)))) to everyone here, new additions and regulars of this thread.

If life is a rollercoaster than PTSD is my loop de loops. Disoriented for that moment you dont know what is up or down.... spinning and dizzy today.

Everyone find peace where and when you can.