Butch visibility

[thedivahrrrself]

I think this may be why so many femmes (including myself) get so defensive of the butch folks in our lives.

I went to the fair last year with my butch friend. We decided to use the restroom. Me, his sister (who is kind of androgynous), and his niece waited in line for the bathrooms, but he walked across the fair to the portapotties. I asked his sister why, and she said it's because he has encountered problems in the bathroom several times before. I immediately got mad. I would stick a heel in someone's head for giving my friend shit! And if the person being attacked was my lover, I would probably even ruin a pair of Louboutins!!

But I'm a fighter. I've been out in Oklahoma since I was a teen, and I don't care much about what people I don't know think of me. I know some people aren't wired that way, and I know some people are tired of having to fight.

I see the things you're talking about. I see men look like they are ready to fist fight when a butch woman walks into their store. What can we femmes do? Every instinct I have says to hold tight to your hand and ask that fucker what he's staring at! In the bathrooms, I've noticed that just the act of me saying "no, she's in the right place" will generally keep things from escalating.

So a good question for you who feel the sting of ultra-visibility, is there anything your gf's or femme friends can do to show their support in these situations?




Maybe this is just a case of the grass being greener, but I think I'd prefer the perks of visibility. There really aren't any perks to invisibility as I see it.

[Ascot]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I think this may be why so many femmes (including myself) get so defensive of the butch folks in our lives.

I went to the fair last year with my butch friend. We decided to use the restroom. Me, his sister (who is kind of androgynous), and his niece waited in line for the bathrooms, but he walked across the fair to the portapotties. I asked his sister why, and she said it's because he has encountered problems in the bathroom several times before. I immediately got mad. I would stick a heel in someone's head for giving my friend shit! And if the person being attacked was my lover, I would probably even ruin a pair of Louboutins!!

But I'm a fighter. I've been out in Oklahoma since I was a teen, and I don't care much about what people I don't know think of me. I know some people aren't wired that way, and I know some people are tired of having to fight.

I see the things you're talking about. I see men look like they are ready to fist fight when a butch woman walks into their store. What can we femmes do? Every instinct I have says to hold tight to your hand and ask that fucker what he's staring at! In the bathrooms, I've noticed that just the act of me saying "no, she's in the right place" will generally keep things from escalating.

So a good question for you who feel the sting of ultra-visibility, is there anything your gf's or femme friends can do to show their support in these situations?




Maybe this is just a case of the grass being greener, but I think I'd prefer the perks of visibility. There really aren't any perks to invisibility as I see it.

You pose great questions. My first inclination is to say that probably the best thing to be done is to simply act as though nothing out of the ordinary is occurring, because when it comes down to it, nothing is. As an aside, on behalf of the butch nation, I want to issue the most sincere and deeply felt gratitude to every fierce femme who has ever taken umbrage when they perceive a butch has been mistreated. To every brave woman who has taken a stand in defense of someone wronged because somehow they don't quite fit someone else's idea of acceptable, normal, safe or decent, you have my utmost respect. Regarding what's to be done, I suppose it comes down to the specifics of the situation, the offense and the parties involved, doesn't it? Mostly, just be there for us. Allow us our reactions, concerns and vulnerabilities. If you want to punch someone in the neck, I'll hold your purse and have your back. (No, of course I'm not actually advocating violence) Just be with us. You might be amazed at how much of a balm just your existence and love is. For that, many of us would willingly walk through hell. Many of us do.

The visibility vs. invisibility thing...I really don't know what to say about that. Both have their pros and cons, don't they.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I think this may be why so many femmes (including myself) get so defensive of the butch folks in our lives. ...

I'm very quick to defend the butch women in my life, and butches in general. Last night I was told by someone who should know better that she can't "get women who act just like guys."

Deep breath.

I told her that it's more likely that guys act like butches. The butch women I know have innate, natural masculinity that bubbles up through them like an Arkansas hot spring. Straight guys are constantly posturing and trying to figure out how to not get called 'faggot', so their masculinity is often forced and performative. While I've witnessed butches sometimes aping the the worst aspects of straight male culture, the butch women in my life are just behaving naturally. I often think that men would do well to model their behaviours on butch women.

[Ascot]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I'm very quick to defend the butch women in my life, and butches in general. Last night I was told by someone who should know better that she can't "get women who act just like guys."

Deep breath.

I told her that it's more likely that guys act like butches. The butch women I know have innate, natural masculinity that bubbles up through them like an Arkansas hot spring. Straight guys are constantly posturing and trying to figure out how to not get called 'faggot', so their masculinity is often forced and performative. While I've witnessed butches sometimes aping the the worst aspects of straight male culture, the butch women in my life are just behaving naturally. I often think that men would do well to model their behaviours on butch women.

This is exquisite. Thank you.

That "women who act just like guys" sentiment...damn that rankles me. Come to think of it, I fucking hate it. It's often cheek and jowl with "If you're going to be with a woman who looks like a man, why not just be with a man?" Sometimes in the face of such ignorance, even I, who usually never shuts up, am speechless. I love, love what you said, " that men would do well to model their behaviours on butch women."

Imagine such a world.