FTM place to vent and talk

[PwrFemme]

Originally Posted by alexri

I know I'm living a double life. It's draining. I'm myself when I can be, and I'm biologically female when I have to be right now... at work, with family, with friends who don't know. But every now and then I have a public experience that makes me have hope, and makes me see what I'm missing.

While I was out training last weekend, I passed a young girl and her mother on a bike path. I heard the girl say, "he's definitely a boy, but he looks like a girl. He must hate that."

A month ago, in an all women's race, I heard a young boy who was spectating say, "hey there's a guy in the race."

Kids get it before their minds are polluted by society. They question because they want to understand, but they don't judge.

Then, I got "sir'd" at the grocery store last night. I had my hat on, and was looking down, when the cashier said it to me. The glow on my face on the ride home could have lit up NYC.

Now, what I need is courage. The courage to stop thinking of all the "what if's" and go legally change my name. I need the courage this of how to handle this at work, especially knowing I am fully supported by HR. I need the courage to love myself enough to be myself all the time.

Alexri,

This brought to mind people saying, "Oh I knew, I was just waiting for you to tell me." I imagine you will come across haters and you will also have your cheerleaders. You always have. If you look back over your life you will realize this and know that you have always come through and nothing stopped you. It sounds like you are an athlete so I am sure you have learned how to get back up when down and keep on going. You have the strength inside to do this. Those who love you and believe in you will continue to cheer you on and you will forget the names and faces of the haters.

[PwrFemme]

I have a question based on another thread. In the other thread they are discussing marriage titles, basically what a butch is called. HeelBilli and I have been legally married for 2 years. I have always referred to Heel as my spouse. Heel is going to trans and we have now been discussing this title issue. I don't really feel comfortable with the title, "husband". I can't explain why. What are your thoughts? Have any of you faced this situation? Thanks

[Linus]

PwrFemme: this thread was meant to be for FTMs to vent and not really meant for conversation or comment, if possible. For your questions, it may be better to go here: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...hread.php?t=92

[PwrFemme]

Originally Posted by Linus

PwrFemme: this thread was meant to be for FTMs to vent and not really meant for conversation or comment, if possible. For your questions, it may be better to go here: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...hread.php?t=92

K thanks...

[little man]

for those of you who don't know me, i'm about 10-11 years in on transition. i'm still pre-op, as a long line of shitty paying jobs does not allow much to save for surgery. add to that a lack of health insurance, and well....here i am. i've been living fully as male for almost that entire time. i'm a short guy, and was worried that would be an issue, but it has not been.

being a veteran, i get my labs and T through the VA outpatient clinic. i was a bit wary at first, but everyone has been absolutely wonderful, no issues at all. although, the radiology clinic (outside the VA) was a bit confused when i went for a mammogram. turns out the x-ray tech that did it has a friend who's trans. small world, ain't it?

about 6 yrs ago, i moved back to the midwest from the east coast, to care for my mom. after she died, i hung out for another year, then decided i could pay bills from anywhere. i am possessed of a gypsy soul, so it was about time to hit the road anyway. i moved to the austin,tx area, so i could focus on photography. since there is so much live music here, i was certain i could get myself situated as a photog here. well, there are a few colleges around here that seem to churn out 10 photography students every 5 minutes. and, they'll shoot for free. as it turned out, i fell into shooting burlesque. yeah, i know...tough row to hoe. i'm getting fairly established in that community, and bless their hearts, they are very queer friendly.

i shot a show last week that had several awesome performances. one of them included black light and the pouring of neon paint over the dancer's body. visually stunning. i talked to the woman who did that performance, and we agreed we need to shoot that outside a performance venue. one thing turned into another and we've decided to embark on a project on women's body image, social expectations of women's bodies and their performance as women, as well as rape culture, domestic violence, reproductive rights...a performance coupled with an art show of images. it's an ambitious project, to say the least. we're hoping that attendance will fund the show well enough that we can travel with it, across the US.

all that said, i've been wondering (and weighing) whether "coming out" as trans would be beneficial to the project (and getting the involvement of other performers around the country). i doubt it would be detrimental to the project, but i do wonder about the impact it would have on my life. my ultimate ambition is to produce fine art and spend the rest of my working years doing something i love. for reference, i'm 55 right now, 56 in the fall.

when i first began transition, i was all about disclosing to anyone who'd listen. it was new, it was fabulous, it was a waking dream. now i've had time to settle into it, i mostly want to live my life and be left alone to pursue the things i'm interested in. i have not dated, nor been romantically involved with anyone since i began transition. the last few years, i've felt ready to dip my toe back in that puddle...but haven't really found anyone who sparks my imagination for very long. well, until recently, but we don't live anywhere near one another, and have not actually spent any time together....y'all know how that goes. so, dating/relationship is not a concern.

quite frankly, i'm not sure what approach to take to this. aside from being a private person by nature, i've not wanted being trans to the the first thing people think of when they hear my name.

thoughts?

[Turtle]

Hey little man, nice to see you, so to speak. It sounds like a great project!! I do a lot of my processing out loud...I'd talk it out with my partner in the project to help myself gain some clarity...kinda hearing the different parts as I push them around to get a feel for them and where the pieces might fit...that's me.


And I could definitely dig a traveling show/shoot/project.


And I've been reading "Letters For My Brothers: Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect" editied by Megan M. Rohrer and Zander Keig....it's very nice to get back into my Berkeley days and read old classmates and meet new ones...

...the book is advise from the post-transition perspective...good stuff to know, for everybody.

[little man]

Originally Posted by Turtle

Hey little man, nice to see you, so to speak. It sounds like a great project!! I do a lot of my processing out loud...I'd talk it out with my partner in the project to help myself gain some clarity...kinda hearing the different parts as I push them around to get a feel for them and where the pieces might fit...that's me.


And I could definitely dig a traveling show/shoot/project.


And I've been reading "Letters For My Brothers: Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect" editied by Megan M. Rohrer and Zander Keig....it's very nice to get back into my Berkeley days and read old classmates and meet new ones...

...the book is advise from the post-transition perspective...good stuff to know, for everybody.

hey, good to see you again, as well.

i appreciate your input, but find myself with the same question. the woman i'm teaming up with for this project has no clue about my status. i don't get the feeling that it'd matter, really, but am still up in the air. would it make life easier or more difficult, i wonder...

[Liam]

Hey little man, nice to hear how things are going for you in Austin. I am guided by my gut, when it comes to "coming out," as a transman. It has worked well for me. I've had some delightful experiences, in situations that I never intended to share that information, and I have not had any negative repercussion from withholding it either. As always, best of luck!