Jokes and things that made you laugh. - Page 12

TimilDeeps · 08-21-2012, 11:25 AM

guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

LeftWriteFemme · 08-24-2012, 07:30 AM

I love this....rumor has it that this is the song that got him fired from the math department at Harvard

WolfyOne · 09-03-2012, 02:53 PM

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO

Janstevie · 10-14-2012, 05:42 AM

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Janstevie · 10-14-2012, 05:42 AM

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...

Dance-with-me · 10-24-2012, 08:40 PM

Required watching for any parent. I'm still laughing.

Gemme · 10-24-2012, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

Required watching for any parent. I'm still laughing.

Ohmygoodness.

Duchess · 10-24-2012, 11:35 PM

lusciouskiwi · 11-17-2012, 03:45 AM

Janstevie · 11-26-2012, 04:22 PM

When i was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream van only played music when it was sold out.
Well played dad, well played.

Janstevie · 02-02-2013, 11:30 AM

I've always wanted to go into an elevator full of strangers and say " I suppose you're wondering why i've gathered you all here today"

Janstevie · 02-11-2013, 07:19 AM

Now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* * TOT- Texting on Toilet

*

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Janstevie · 03-07-2013, 10:44 AM

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X, she's never coming back and dont ask Y.

Janstevie · 03-28-2013, 11:20 AM

There are two words in a person's life that will open lots of doors for them - Push and Pull.

Smiling · 03-28-2013, 01:41 PM

3 men walked into a bar. The 4th one ducked.

lol

Janstevie · 03-31-2013, 04:42 AM

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Janstevie · 04-06-2013, 01:09 PM

My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, i said no we all seem to enjoy it.

Janstevie · 05-29-2013, 02:26 PM

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with
an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge
and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or
answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"

The rancher nodded politely, apoligised and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up
and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the
rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it
seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at
the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge........ show him your BADGE!!!

.

Duchess · 05-30-2013, 09:01 PM

My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for Christmas...

I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

Janstevie · 06-18-2013, 03:40 PM

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex-partner is really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

08-24-2012, 07:30 AM	#222
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,293 Times in 5,185 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	I love this....rumor has it that this is the song that got him fired from the math department at Harvard __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

09-03-2012, 02:53 PM	#223
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,397 Times in 4,140 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

10-24-2012, 08:40 PM	#226
Dance-with-me Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: earth Posts: 419 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 1,926 Times in 378 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Required watching for any parent. I'm still laughing. __________________ Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. ~Mahatma Gandhi

10-24-2012, 11:35 PM	#228
Duchess Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Absolute Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Toe curling :-) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 2,382 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,792 Thanked 5,592 Times in 1,521 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	__________________ *無料のライブ*

11-17-2012, 03:45 AM	#229
lusciouskiwi Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme lesbian feminist Preferred Pronoun?: Anything except for "aunty" Relationship Status: Happy with my butch. Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Aotearoa New Zealand Posts: 2,681 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 25,494 Thanked 9,096 Times in 1,899 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	__________________ happiness is a form of courage. George Holbrook Jackson Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. Katherine Mansfield Motivate yourself or be miserable. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. Wayne Dyer

08-21-2012, 11:25 AM	#221
TimilDeeps Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer fucker Preferred Pronoun?: Mine Relationship Status: I'm dating myself. It's really working out. I think I'm the one!!! Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: To your right and a bit South. Posts: 1,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 108 Thanked 1,470 Times in 445 Posts Rep Power: 19646657	guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

10-14-2012, 05:42 AM	#224
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

10-14-2012, 05:42 AM	#225
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...

11-26-2012, 04:22 PM	#230
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	When i was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream van only played music when it was sold out. Well played dad, well played.

02-02-2013, 11:30 AM	#231
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I've always wanted to go into an elevator full of strangers and say " I suppose you're wondering why i've gathered you all here today" Last edited by Janstevie; 02-02-2013 at 11:46 AM.

02-11-2013, 07:19 AM	#232
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Now Seniors have their own texting codes: * ATD- At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM- Covered by Medicare * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens * DWI- Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL- Living on Lipitor * * TOT- Texting on Toilet * Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

03-07-2013, 10:44 AM	#233
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X, she's never coming back and dont ask Y.

03-28-2013, 11:20 AM	#234
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	There are two words in a person's life that will open lots of doors for them - Push and Pull.

03-28-2013, 01:41 PM	#235
Smiling Senior Member How Do You Identify?: with a distinct flair Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: somewhere else Posts: 1,852 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,623 Thanked 4,388 Times in 1,009 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	lol, I don't care what anyone says; this makes me laugh every time! 3 men walked into a bar. The 4th one ducked. lol

03-31-2013, 04:42 AM	#236
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

04-06-2013, 01:09 PM	#237
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, i said no we all seem to enjoy it.

05-29-2013, 02:26 PM	#238
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out a distant location. The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???" The rancher nodded politely, apoligised and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge........ show him your BADGE!!! .

05-30-2013, 09:01 PM	#239
Duchess Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Absolute Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Toe curling :-) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 2,382 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,792 Thanked 5,592 Times in 1,521 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for Christmas... I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch. __________________ *無料のライブ*

06-18-2013, 03:40 PM	#240
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex-partner is really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.