Recieving or saying hurtful......how do you deal with it

Teddybear · 08-07-2013, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-Rex

Butch Femme Planet > HEALTH: BODY, MIND, SPIRIT > BREAKUPS, LESSONS LEARNED, HEALING

Or here.

Thank you T-Rex

I was unsure as to where to put it when I started the thread and really thought there may have been one of those topics that was heated.

Thank you for placing it in the right place

Rockinonahigh · 08-07-2013, 01:49 AM

Metro mentioned toxic people and or situations that seam to be with them.Three years ago I chose to cut some people out of my life because of them being extreamly toxic to my mental well being,it didnt start out like this it started with the breakup of a couple I had been friends with since college.Before they ever broke up someone new,who I knew and introduced them to,moved into the situation like a leach.I just didn't see that comeing at all,by time the split was done it had destroid two kids who ended up going back to theire dad's to live, wich imop was best cause the rest forgot they were adults and kids were involved.They stasrted calling me up asking for advice...I wouldn't give any,I told them all I didn't wan't anything to do with the whole mess just leave me out of it.I changed my phone number,stoped going to the gay clubs for a while cause they were always going on the nights I could go cause of work.It has been so much better not haveing that sort of crap to deal with.Now if I even think a toxic situation is comeing in my direction, I am gone.I keep the trouble out of my life as much as I can,if any happends that directly effects me or mine I deal with it then forget it,life is so much better that way.

peachy · 08-09-2013, 01:01 PM

My relationship with my ex husband is hard work because he is extremely rude and ignorant in the way he speaks to me often - but at the same time he has been a good provider and he has been a real man about me coming out. I am really grateful to him for that but I can't stand the way he speaks to me and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to me if I were a man.

He's the father of my child so I have to try and be friends for her sake. If it wasn't for her, even though he has been so good about our divorce and everything I don't think we would see each other any more or be friends. We push each other's buttons too much. If he is rude to me I try to stay calm and not turn it into an argument. I say don't talk to me like that please.

At times I have lost my temper and the way I have spoken to him has been pretty nasty too. When I have calmed down I apologise. Over time we have become a little more mellow with each other but it has taken 10 years.

The older I get the less I tolerate crap. I just walk away now and know that when one relationships door closes another opens. It's hard when there are children though. It hurts them to see anger. The only way I have been able to reach a happy compromise has been to live separate lives from my ex as far as our friendship goes but try to do normal family stuff like holidays and eating together for the sake of our daughter. I wish I could be in a happy relationship for her to see how that works but this isn't flowing right now either.

Ginger · 08-16-2013, 06:41 PM

I remove myself from hurtful people. The trap is to engage with them and I fall into that trap, but not always. My weakness is going numb. That enables me to put up with unbearable things I should walk away from. I'll always struggle with that one, but at least I'm aware of it.

Ciaran · 08-17-2013, 09:20 AM

I am a guttural person and, when passionate, I can say things that are extremely hurtful in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, this is consciously deliberate (i.e. to hurt) and, sometimes, less so.

At the time, it usually feels fine - until, in the cold light of the next day (or next week or month), I've comprehended exactly what I've said and how it may have impacted the other person.

I'm getting better at apologising but still not good at it (would rate myself at 2 out of 10 on the "ability to apologise" scale) and I've also realised that, whilst it's possible to apologise, it's not possible to take back what was said.

On the reverse, I've had many hurtful, sometimes very hurtful, things said to me over the years. In my younger years, words impacted me much more. These days, much less so ...... other than a small number of people I deeply love, it would be hard to say something to me that caused me extreme hurt.

Rather, I'd just walk away and keep walking ...... I don't always think it's a good trait but I am very good at shutting people out of my life without a second thought.

MysticOceansFL · 08-17-2013, 09:28 AM

I usually place people or trouble stir on ignore

Violette · 08-19-2013, 12:47 AM

I really like what Sparkle wrote! I try to do this as well. I think it is so important to acknowledge what you said was hurtful, if, indeed, you were the one doing the hurting. I am pretty sure it is safe to say we have all been on both ends of this.

I am really coming to the conclusion that everyone says mean things sometimes. It doesn't make them, or me, a bad person. It just makes us all human. That is why we have words to express our sorrow about our human moments.

I also know that sometimes I take things to mean something different then what was intended because I come to each and every interaction with someone with my own history of experiences. And sometimes this history flavours the way I (we) hear things. And you know what? That is valid too! You being hurt by what someone else said, especially if what was said wasn't meant to be hurtful, is just another opportunity for you to heal. Of course, one needs to be aware of this in order for it to be a healthy opportunity to grow. Otherwise it can just be one big hurtful mess.

I will never give up on the idea that people have a boundless capacity to grow.

08-09-2013, 01:01 PM	#3
peachy Member How Do You Identify?: Me Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Here Posts: 109 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 492 Thanked 395 Times in 90 Posts Rep Power: 5513869	My relationship with my ex husband is hard work because he is extremely rude and ignorant in the way he speaks to me often - but at the same time he has been a good provider and he has been a real man about me coming out. I am really grateful to him for that but I can't stand the way he speaks to me and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to me if I were a man. He's the father of my child so I have to try and be friends for her sake. If it wasn't for her, even though he has been so good about our divorce and everything I don't think we would see each other any more or be friends. We push each other's buttons too much. If he is rude to me I try to stay calm and not turn it into an argument. I say don't talk to me like that please. At times I have lost my temper and the way I have spoken to him has been pretty nasty too. When I have calmed down I apologise. Over time we have become a little more mellow with each other but it has taken 10 years. The older I get the less I tolerate crap. I just walk away now and know that when one relationships door closes another opens. It's hard when there are children though. It hurts them to see anger. The only way I have been able to reach a happy compromise has been to live separate lives from my ex as far as our friendship goes but try to do normal family stuff like holidays and eating together for the sake of our daughter. I wish I could be in a happy relationship for her to see how that works but this isn't flowing right now either. __________________ life's a peach Caution: contains hard stone

08-16-2013, 06:41 PM	#4
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,295 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I remove myself from hurtful people. The trap is to engage with them and I fall into that trap, but not always. My weakness is going numb. That enables me to put up with unbearable things I should walk away from. I'll always struggle with that one, but at least I'm aware of it. __________________ Reach out.

08-17-2013, 09:28 AM	#6
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I usually place people or trouble stir on ignore __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

08-07-2013, 01:49 AM	#2
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,933 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Metro mentioned toxic people and or situations that seam to be with them.Three years ago I chose to cut some people out of my life because of them being extreamly toxic to my mental well being,it didnt start out like this it started with the breakup of a couple I had been friends with since college.Before they ever broke up someone new,who I knew and introduced them to,moved into the situation like a leach.I just didn't see that comeing at all,by time the split was done it had destroid two kids who ended up going back to theire dad's to live, wich imop was best cause the rest forgot they were adults and kids were involved.They stasrted calling me up asking for advice...I wouldn't give any,I told them all I didn't wan't anything to do with the whole mess just leave me out of it.I changed my phone number,stoped going to the gay clubs for a while cause they were always going on the nights I could go cause of work.It has been so much better not haveing that sort of crap to deal with.Now if I even think a toxic situation is comeing in my direction, I am gone.I keep the trouble out of my life as much as I can,if any happends that directly effects me or mine I deal with it then forget it,life is so much better that way.

08-17-2013, 09:20 AM	#5
Ciaran Member How Do You Identify?: Altocalciphilic Preferred Pronoun?: Papa Smurf Relationship Status: Curmudgeonous spinster Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: London (but from Belfast) Posts: 678 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 471 Thanked 3,654 Times in 602 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I am a guttural person and, when passionate, I can say things that are extremely hurtful in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, this is consciously deliberate (i.e. to hurt) and, sometimes, less so. At the time, it usually feels fine - until, in the cold light of the next day (or next week or month), I've comprehended exactly what I've said and how it may have impacted the other person. I'm getting better at apologising but still not good at it (would rate myself at 2 out of 10 on the "ability to apologise" scale) and I've also realised that, whilst it's possible to apologise, it's not possible to take back what was said. On the reverse, I've had many hurtful, sometimes very hurtful, things said to me over the years. In my younger years, words impacted me much more. These days, much less so ...... other than a small number of people I deeply love, it would be hard to say something to me that caused me extreme hurt. Rather, I'd just walk away and keep walking ...... I don't always think it's a good trait but I am very good at shutting people out of my life without a second thought.

08-19-2013, 12:47 AM	#7
Violette Member How Do You Identify?: woman Join Date: May 2011 Location: Downtown Posts: 327 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,657 Thanked 587 Times in 127 Posts Rep Power: 5354546	I really like what Sparkle wrote! I try to do this as well. I think it is so important to acknowledge what you said was hurtful, if, indeed, you were the one doing the hurting. I am pretty sure it is safe to say we have all been on both ends of this. I am really coming to the conclusion that everyone says mean things sometimes. It doesn't make them, or me, a bad person. It just makes us all human. That is why we have words to express our sorrow about our human moments. I also know that sometimes I take things to mean something different then what was intended because I come to each and every interaction with someone with my own history of experiences. And sometimes this history flavours the way I (we) hear things. And you know what? That is valid too! You being hurt by what someone else said, especially if what was said wasn't meant to be hurtful, is just another opportunity for you to heal. Of course, one needs to be aware of this in order for it to be a healthy opportunity to grow. Otherwise it can just be one big hurtful mess. I will never give up on the idea that people have a boundless capacity to grow.