Corny jokes

ahk · 08-14-2013, 11:59 AM

What do you call an fake noodle?

An impasta!!

lusciouskiwi · 08-15-2013, 03:09 AM

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." ...

Janstevie · 08-15-2013, 05:45 AM

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, but it begins with P something T something R..

ahk · 08-15-2013, 10:14 AM

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

they kept saying "bach, bach, bach"!

Mopsie · 08-17-2013, 01:26 PM

I worked at my part time job last night and saw my client who loves corny jokes. I read her jokes from this thread - most of the ones on page 1 and some from page 2 because we were on a roll... we were both laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes!

Here's the one she told me that started out our fun fest...

Q: Why did the prisoner take a shower?

A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!

ahk · 08-19-2013, 04:57 PM

What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.

Janstevie · 08-21-2013, 08:59 AM

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.

ahk · 08-22-2013, 04:05 PM

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Hollylane · 08-17-2013, 01:56 PM

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.

Hollylane · 08-17-2013, 02:11 PM

An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

Janstevie · 08-19-2013, 06:18 AM

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

puddin' · 08-19-2013, 02:23 PM

what do you call a fake noodle?

an impasta!

08-15-2013, 03:09 AM	#2
lusciouskiwi Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme lesbian feminist Preferred Pronoun?: Anything except for "aunty" Relationship Status: Happy with my butch. Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Aotearoa New Zealand Posts: 2,681 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 25,494 Thanked 9,095 Times in 1,899 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Not sure if this is corny enough ... A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." ... __________________ happiness is a form of courage. George Holbrook Jackson Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. Katherine Mansfield Motivate yourself or be miserable. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. Wayne Dyer

08-14-2013, 11:59 AM	#1
ahk Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: Male Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: NM Posts: 5,317 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,688 Thanked 8,538 Times in 2,630 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	What do you call an fake noodle? An impasta!!

08-15-2013, 05:45 AM	#3
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, but it begins with P something T something R..

08-15-2013, 10:14 AM	#4
ahk Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: Male Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: NM Posts: 5,317 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,688 Thanked 8,538 Times in 2,630 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? they kept saying "bach, bach, bach"!

08-17-2013, 01:26 PM	#5
Mopsie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Female ones Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Shenandoah Valley Virginia Posts: 4,769 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 36,246 Thanked 8,549 Times in 1,856 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I worked at my part time job last night and saw my client who loves corny jokes. I read her jokes from this thread - most of the ones on page 1 and some from page 2 because we were on a roll... we were both laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes! Here's the one she told me that started out our fun fest... Q: Why did the prisoner take a shower? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!

08-19-2013, 04:57 PM	#6
ahk Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: Male Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: NM Posts: 5,317 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,688 Thanked 8,538 Times in 2,630 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.

08-21-2013, 08:59 AM	#7
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.

08-22-2013, 04:05 PM	#8
ahk Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: Male Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: NM Posts: 5,317 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,688 Thanked 8,538 Times in 2,630 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

08-17-2013, 01:56 PM	#9
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.

08-17-2013, 02:11 PM	#10
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,362 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

08-19-2013, 06:18 AM	#11
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

08-19-2013, 02:23 PM	#12
puddin' Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: a genderqueer nuisance Preferred Pronoun?: bitchboi Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: new zealand Posts: 7,120 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,467 Thanked 7,962 Times in 2,340 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	what do you call a fake noodle? an impasta!