What do you do for closure?

[Violette]

My boifriend (of a year) broke up with me via email.

We had been struggling for a while and trying to work things through. I had broken up with her a couple of months ago b/c things were just not getting better. When I attempted to break things off, something opened up and we were able to see through muck and it gave us both hope. But the struggling soon came back and I was seriously contemplating whether or not we were well suited for each other. I think she sensed this and did a preemptive break up. Which, would have been fine with me, if she did it in person. I had suggested we make some time to see each other and then I received The Email. I feel so hurt by how she broke up with me. There was no chance at talking things out or breaking up in a loving way (I know that may sound corny, but I believe when you love someone and you realize that it just doesn't work, you can leave things on good terms).

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or any other situation when you didn't feel like you had a chance at closure? How have you come to closure?

Thank you in advanced!
~Violette

[Soft*Silver]

Closure in those situations, come only with time. One day you will just notice its over, inside. Not every relationship can end with words spoken. Some end because the people cant talk within the relationship...so how could they end it talking?

I personally would prefer an email or letter. Something written that I could muse or brood over, ingest and mull it. Thoroughly. Until I drained every bit of emotional blood I could out of it. But without the emotional display of fighting, crying, blaming, displaying, hoping, etc. Sometimes it feels good just to walk away with a letter. Something in my hand. Which probably meant what they gave my heart wasnt much...I just would need time to figure that out...

[macele]

saying goodbye. that's an emotional rollercoaster. time takes care of closure. time and moving on.

i've never been in a relationship that i gave forethought about breaking up and remaining friends. it just happened that way or didn't. depends on the two, i think.

some people are insecure. and they can't say in person for fear of looking like the fool, breaking down, not wanting to be the one that gets left behind, etc. and that's not about you. that's about them. their needs.

i personally think if you are in love, ... there's never complete closure. i'll always have love for the person. but there has to be steps made to letting go. live life. find what you enjoy. time will move you along.

Violette, i'm sorry for your pain. thank you for sharing.

[Martina]

Awwww. I am sorry. Some of it is hard just because it's finally final. Keep that in mind. It might have made it easier to have a better ending, but it still would have been hard. I recommend taking good care of yourself and trying to stay in the moment. Easier said than done, I know.

[Violette]

[quote=Miss_Tia;835464] "Not every relationship can end with words spoken. Some end because the people cant talk within the relationship...so how could they end it talking?"


That's a really good point, Miss Tia. Thank you for your insight!

Originally Posted by macele

some people are insecure. and they can't say in person for fear of looking like the fool, breaking down, not wanting to be the one that gets left behind, etc. and that's not about you. that's about them. their needs.

Violette, i'm sorry for your pain. thank you for sharing.

Thank you for reminding me of this, Macele! And thank you for the empathy! It is greatly appreciated!

Originally Posted by Martina

Awwww. I am sorry. Some of it is hard just because it's finally final. Keep that in mind. It might have made it easier to have a better ending, but it still would have been hard. I recommend taking good care of yourself and trying to stay in the moment. Easier said than done, I know.

Thank you, Martina! Yes, it still would have been hard.


I think part of what is difficult for me is what she wrote. Some things that were said were triggering for me. And of course, we have some mutual friends. I fear that they will think poorly of me because of how she has likely cast a dark shadow about me (I am concluding this by what she said), though I know I tried my best and I felt no malice toward her during this process.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Violette

My boifriend (of a year) broke up with me via email.

We had been struggling for a while and trying to work things through. I had broken up with her a couple of months ago b/c things were just not getting better. When I attempted to break things off, something opened up and we were able to see through muck and it gave us both hope. But the struggling soon came back and I was seriously contemplating whether or not we were well suited for each other. I think she sensed this and did a preemptive break up. Which, would have been fine with me, if she did it in person. I had suggested we make some time to see each other and then I received The Email. I feel so hurt by how she broke up with me. There was no chance at talking things out or breaking up in a loving way (I know that may sound corny, but I believe when you love someone and you realize that it just doesn't work, you can leave things on good terms).

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or any other situation when you didn't feel like you had a chance at closure? How have you come to closure?

Thank you in advanced!
~Violette

I had an ex once who broke up with me over email. We were together over three years and were friends a long time before that. He had asked me for space at one point to deal with his own stuff--and I gave it to him. But I never knew what it was about. Then he emailed me out of the blue and said it was over. No explanation. He refused to talk to me about it at all. I literally never spoke to him again. It was devastating. I had NO way of making sense of it.

I think some really good things have been said already. As far as a situation like this goes--the only way you can find closure is within yourself. I think it's a different evolution than if you had someone else to process it with. But, you CAN process. Journal, vent to friends, write angry letters, do what you have to do. Just take care of yourself. It's an opportunity to be kind to yourself.

The only thing that will bring closure is time. Sometimes just letting go and knowing that helps. It will happen.

[*Anya*]

Sometimes the only closure that there is or that truly matters is the closure within oneself.

There is no one easy answer for what works and it may be different for each of us.

I believe that the passage of time is the only closure that there really is and sometimes there really are no clear-cut answers.

I am really sorry that you are hurting and hope that your heart is able to heal.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I personally don't need closure, if it's over it's over I like to move on. Break ups tend to happen with pre warning signs that we choose to ignore, look at it this way at least you don't have to do the back and forth thing!! Give it time you will heal and move on and be happier... I wish you much luck

[MsBluem]

My closure process usually involves a trip to see close friends, lots of laughter and, in general, a tattoo. A lot of my tattoos mark the end or beginning of important chapters of my life.

[JAGG]

I know it's an old cliche, but truely if you want closure only time can give you that. And you never know how long that will take. But it will happen eventually. I hope your pain passes quickly, and you find all sorts of things to be happy about along the way.

[girl_dee]

by email? Seriously that's just not right.

sorry this happened, no matter what we deserve better than an email in these situations...

for me by the time it's actually over it's been a long time coming and i normally experience a sort of relief.... i don't look back of have regrets so the closure thing isn't present for me.

Good luck Violette........

[Blade]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

by email? Seriously that's just not right.

sorry this happened, no matter what we deserve better than an email in these situations...

for me by the time it's actually over it's been a long time coming and i normally experience a sort of relief.... i don't look back of have regrets so the closure thing isn't present for me.

Good luck Violette........

Have to agree with Dee email sucks IMO. I to usually have seen it coming and sense relief. TLS made a great point about pre warning signs that are ignored. Time will be your friend, don't beat yourself up over it.

[weatherboi]

i disappear in my own space time continuum, never to be seen or heard from again.

[LaneyDoll]

I have found that for me, closure tends to work best when the reminders are gone. That means getting rid of the emails, texts, voice mails, cards or whatever it may be that you can sink into to so that you can get those old feelings again. I also delete pics.

It is not easy though. I have deleted emails in tears and hated myself for doing it. I have absolutely longed for them and hated myself for deleting them. But I know that I am better off for doing so. When I have them, it is like reopening old wounds.

Now, I do still have items that were purchased for me by an ex. Most of the time, they shift to "just things" and I really do not have an emotional attachment to material gifts. I actually still have my old wedding ring. But now, it is just a ring. I forget what the original intent of it was. For some reason, things are just things; but this would obviously not include cards

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think some people truly don't understand how important closure is. Without it, no matter how much we kid ourselves, we never really move on. Not completely. This is why people die with regrets 40 years after a relationship has ended or can't come close to getting over someone who has passed away suddenly.

A sudden, unexplainable loss is devastating. It's like being dropped off a cliff. It's hard to grieve and move on when you don't understand what just happened.

I agree with the advice here. Writing angry letters that you never send or getting creative and writing a story (if you're the creative type) can do wonders for your healing process.

Sometimes, just deciding to let the person go with spiritual love (meaning lovingkindness and compassion) can be the best thing you can do to cut ties and let go even if you don't have the answer you were looking for. It gives you a feeling of empowerment because you are no longer allowing the person to control your life and your emotions.

This is a fresh wound and it will take time. If you are able to talk to your ex to straighten things out for the sake of closure, by all means do. If not, write a letter of "letting go" when you're ready and decide whether or not it's best to send it.

I wish you the best. I sympathize.

[Violette]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I had an ex once who broke up with me over email. We were together over three years and were friends a long time before that. He had asked me for space at one point to deal with his own stuff--and I gave it to him. But I never knew what it was about. Then he emailed me out of the blue and said it was over. No explanation. He refused to talk to me about it at all. I literally never spoke to him again. It was devastating. I had NO way of making sense of it.

I think some really good things have been said already. As far as a situation like this goes--the only way you can find closure is within yourself. I think it's a different evolution than if you had someone else to process it with. But, you CAN process. Journal, vent to friends, write angry letters, do what you have to do. Just take care of yourself. It's an opportunity to be kind to yourself.

The only thing that will bring closure is time. Sometimes just letting go and knowing that helps. It will happen.

Thank you for sharing your experience!! That sounded terribly painful! Yes, I agree, it is a different evolution. Your insight is hopeful and appreciated!

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Sometimes the only closure that there is or that truly matters is the closure within oneself.

There is no one easy answer for what works and it may be different for each of us.

I believe that the passage of time is the only closure that there really is and sometimes there really are no clear-cut answers.

I am really sorry that you are hurting and hope that your heart is able to heal.

Thank you, Anya! I have great hope in healing!

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I personally don't need closure, if it's over it's over I like to move on. Break ups tend to happen with pre warning signs that we choose to ignore, look at it this way at least you don't have to do the back and forth thing!! Give it time you will heal and move on and be happier... I wish you much luck

Yes, we had been struggling. And yes, great point about the no back and forth thing! Thank you!

Originally Posted by MsBluem

My closure process usually involves a trip to see close friends, lots of laughter and, in general, a tattoo. A lot of my tattoos mark the end or beginning of important chapters of my life.

Thank you, MsBluem! Surprisingly, I have been able to laugh a lot lately! I thank my small group of good friends for that (and the fact that I now have ample time to see them)!

Originally Posted by JAGG

I know it's an old cliche, but truely if you want closure only time can give you that. And you never know how long that will take. But it will happen eventually. I hope your pain passes quickly, and you find all sorts of things to be happy about along the way.

Thank you for your kind words, JAGG! I am looking for happy everyday!

Originally Posted by girl_dee

by email? Seriously that's just not right.

sorry this happened, no matter what we deserve better than an email in these situations...

for me by the time it's actually over it's been a long time coming and i normally experience a sort of relief.... i don't look back of have regrets so the closure thing isn't present for me.

Good luck Violette........

THANK YOU!! I don't think it's right either. It would be one thing if we had only been out on a date or two, but we were in love. It does make things a lot more clear for me, that, really, this isn't someone who I could have a healthy relationship with--not just because she broke up by email, it was also what she wrote in the email.

Originally Posted by Blade

Have to agree with Dee email sucks IMO. I to usually have seen it coming and sense relief. TLS made a great point about pre warning signs that are ignored. Time will be your friend, don't beat yourself up over it.

Yes, thank you, Blade!

Originally Posted by weatherboi

i disappear in my own space time continuum, never to be seen or heard from again.

I can really relate to this, weatherboi! I am making a conscious effort not to disappear. But, I am taking a whole lot of space for myself!

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

I have found that for me, closure tends to work best when the reminders are gone. That means getting rid of the emails, texts, voice mails, cards or whatever it may be that you can sink into to so that you can get those old feelings again. I also delete pics.

It is not easy though. I have deleted emails in tears and hated myself for doing it. I have absolutely longed for them and hated myself for deleting them. But I know that I am better off for doing so. When I have them, it is like reopening old wounds.

Now, I do still have items that were purchased for me by an ex. Most of the time, they shift to "just things" and I really do not have an emotional attachment to material gifts. I actually still have my old wedding ring. But now, it is just a ring. I forget what the original intent of it was. For some reason, things are just things; but this would obviously not include cards

I agree LaneyDoll. I have taken down pictures. Haven't thrown away the cards. We shall see what to do with the rest. Thank you for your insight!

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I think some people truly don't understand how important closure is. Without it, no matter how much we kid ourselves, we never really move on. Not completely. This is why people die with regrets 40 years after a relationship has ended or can't come close to getting over someone who has passed away suddenly.

A sudden, unexplainable loss is devastating. It's like being dropped off a cliff. It's hard to grieve and move on when you don't understand what just happened.

I agree with the advice here. Writing angry letters that you never send or getting creative and writing a story (if you're the creative type) can do wonders for your healing process.

Sometimes, just deciding to let the person go with spiritual love (meaning lovingkindness and compassion) can be the best thing you can do to cut ties and let go even if you don't have the answer you were looking for. It gives you a feeling of empowerment because you are no longer allowing the person to control your life and your emotions.

This is a fresh wound and it will take time. If you are able to talk to your ex to straighten things out for the sake of closure, by all means do. If not, write a letter of "letting go" when you're ready and decide whether or not it's best to send it.

I wish you the best. I sympathize.

Thank you, Girl On Fire! YES, to all of it. In the end, I still like her very much as a person (and yes, I still love her as well). I am certain it is better that the relationship is over, so there is a lot of relief present as well. I will eventually get over what was said and how it was done. Different parts of the situation sting on different days. And I have to say, it has been good to just feel even though it is very painful sometimes.

You all have been wonderful and my heart thanks you!

[nycfem]

I prefer to be broken up with, whether by a friend or lover, by phone. I like the phone call to be a surprise so that I don't have to deal with anticipatory anxiety (on my part, I mean). I like to know why but keep it simple and state it nicely, and perhaps be open to brief, respectful conversation about it. I don't want to be in person because I like to be alone when handling something like that. My least favorite is a long email detailing all my shortcomings. I find that to be cowardly. A friend of mine, H, from college, and I share a mutual friend, A, from college, and the 3 of us have been close friends for years (In fact, we were kicked out of college together but that's a different, more interesting story...). So H decided that she does not want to be friends with A anymore for a variety of reasons and told me she was thinking of writing A a long letter letting her know and detailing why. I told H that I considered that to be the easy way out and very hurtful and that I haven't appreciated when it has been done to me. H rethought it and offered to go on a walk with A to talk about things. A said that she already had a sense that H didn't want to be friends with her and that a walk wasn't necessary. H said that if A changed her mind and did want to meet in person that H was always open to it and wished A well. A then said that she appreciated that and wished H well. I was really relieved that A did not get a long letter telling her all the ways she sucks. Such details are only hurtful and very overwhelming imo.

[DapperButch]

I have always felt that the right thing to do when you are breaking up with someone is to do it face to face. I perceive it as giving the person and the relationship the respect it deserves. I never guessed anyone would prefer email. That would be so much easier!

[PoeticSilence]

I think time is really the best thing for me. I've had my share of breakups, whether they were my decision or the other persons decision, and as long as there wasn't a lot of deception and intentional pain being dealt, I think time is the perfect healing medicine. Now if there was circumstances that include deception, I find that even if you give these people a chance to come clean, they will never do it. You can't ever really get closure from that person. You can only hope that over time, it will begin to hurt less and eventually you can get past it. I've never found that it's an excuse to not trust someone else though.

[GeeGina]

With respect to those who seek it, I've never been someone who needed "closure". Reason is that I prefer to just go forward and get on with my life. Seeking closure only makes me feel like a part of me - even a small part - is still living in the past, giving that someone who hurt me more power than they deserve.

Heartbreak is like a hangover - everyone's got their own unique cure that works for them. So, do whatever you need to get yourself healthy and centered again!!